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As we walked out of the house my mind was spinning. I had kissed Gerard goodbye, but it was more like an automatic reaction. I was just numb. Halloween. Hall-o-ween. Halloween. It just kept running through my mind. Lia and Gerard were together on Halloween... While I was... oh god...

"I can't believe you're not pissed!" Frankie said to me as he climbed into the backseat of my car. I didn't answer him. I was too busy thinking. I wasn't with Gerard at that point. I was with Paul. So why does it hurt so much to think of her with him...

'Halloween' I mumble starting the car. I swear that was like the worst day of my life... It was all making sense now. Lia never really was in love with Gerard, but when he hit on her and then took it back- fuck...She probably swore to make his life miserable and used me to do it... That's why she told him I wasn't interested. That's why she told him about how I hooked up with Jay that day and I was going to call him again... Fuck... "If only..."

"If only what?" Mikey says looking at me funny.

"Huh?" I say.

"You said if only..." Mikey nods a little at me. Fuck... I was talking out loud again.

"I don't know." I say shrugging a little. Mikey's looking at me. He wants me to go on. I just look at him blankly.

"You know it didn't mean anything." Mikey says raising his eyebrows a little at me.

"Whatever." I say trying to blow him off.

"No I'm serious Elle." He insists.

"Then why didn't anyone say anything sooner." I laugh a little.

He shrugged as we pulled up to the school. I saw why Frankie was in such a rush to get here. Chrissy was standing by the door in a real short skirt. Frankie jumped out of the car and ran over to her. I opened my door slowly.

"Look Elle." Mikey said quietly as we walked. "Ray was only with Lia so that Gerard could hang around you."

I stopped walking and made a face. "That's bullshit Mikey." I laughed a little.

"Well okay maybe Ray did like her but honestly we only went to hang out over there so much cause of Gerard." Mikey said softly. He was a little nervous too as he spoke. He had to be telling the truth.

"Yeah and-" I said as we walked towards my locker.

"And..." Mikey shrugged. "And when you didn't show up on Halloween." Mikey said as he twisted the lock open for me. "Ray had had enough and I don't know.I guess Gerard gave up on you." He sighed. I shrugged.

When I didn't show up... "So it was my fault for not showing up?" I say sarcastically.

Mikey shook his head no. "It didn't mean anything." He says again sounding an awful lot like Gerard.

"Its not a big deal Mikey. It was a long time ago and we weren't together then so..." I say sighing a little. "I just don't like not being told things." I say pulling some books out.

"I guess so." Mikey frowned a little.

"No its true." I say slamming my locker shut. "I can take care of myself, believe me Mikey." I say and he smiles a little. "I just have so much else going on that I cant..." I started to feel nauseous again.

"You okay?" Mikey says looking at me funny.

"I think I'm going to be sick." I cry out pushing past him into the girl's bathroom.

I threw up for like five minutes. I was splashing some water on my face when I heard the warning bell ring. What the fuck is wrong with me? I thought staring into the mirror. I never get sick. Not ever! And for the past 2 weeks I've been doing nothing but throwing up. It must be all the stress. I dug through my bag but couldn't find anything but a little bit of coke. I went back into the stall and inhaled it. It wasn't much, bit it was enough to take the edge off...

I walked back into the hall Mikey was gone and the first bell was ringing. I wonder if I can talk to Mr. Samuel today. He would know if my mom was- BAM! I'm not watching where I'm going and I slam into some freshman. He must've been carrying like a hundred papers and they all fell all over the hall. He fell to the floor with them.

"Oh I'm so sorry." I say as the kid tries to get up. I can hear snickering behind me. I look over and Jeff and Adam and a few other guys are standing there laughing as the kid gets up off the floor and is trying to pick up the papers. The door at the end of the hall was open and they were blowing around a little as he tried to grab them. I think he was that student council guy... um, what's his name again...

"Good going Andy! You fucking spaz!" I hear Jeff say laughing a little. I roll my eyes at Jeff a little and bend over and start-helping Andy pick up the papers. It looked like a flyer for something... Jeff is still laughing, as he kicks at the pile of papers that landed by his foot.

"What the fuck Jeff!" I say shaking my head at him as I bend over and start picking them up in front of him.

"What?!" he says sarcastically.

"You just gonna fucking stand there looking at my ass or are you gonna help pick this shit up!" I say looking over my shoulder at him and Adam.

Adam blushed a little. "Sorry Elle." He said as he picked some up. Jeff didn't move.

"Naw I kinda like looking at your ass." Jeff said folding his arms and smirking at me. I handed Andy his papers back and turned back to Jeff, who was kinda leering at me.

"You don't remember do you?" I said stepping closer to him and Adam.

"What?" Jeff laughed a little.

"That night...you don't remember it." I said laughing a little. Fuck... That's why Jeff is always looking at me. He was way too wasted and couldn't remember... Jeff got a funny look in eye for a moment and I knew it was true.

"Naw." He laughed a little and I nodded smiling at him. He shrugged a little. "Alright so-" He smiled at me funny. "So what? You wanna try again Elle." He said licking his lips at me. "Just me and you." He says reaching his hand out and touching my shoulder.

"No!" I laughed. "I do remember and believe me it wasn't that great!" I say and Adam laughs.

"You were begging me!" Jeff says loudly shaking his head a little.

"Begging you to stop!" I snap at him taking a step back.

"Oh shit!" Adam says laughing a little.

"You're a bitch Elle." Jeff says pointing his finger at me as the bell rang.

"So I hear." I tell him as I duck into the photo lab. Frankie had his chair slid real close to Chrissys'. I went and sat across from them. Frankie was whispering something to her and she was giggling. I'm so glad I stopped in the bathroom and puked already, cause they were making me sick.

Apparently from what I could over hear- Frankie was trying to guess what color underwear Chrissy had on.

I tried to ignore them but her fucking giggling was driving me insane... When the bell rang I took off with out saying goodbye to either one of them.

I made it all the way to lunch with out having a nervous breakdown, which was good I guess. Heather told me in study hall that there was some kinda dance coming up. I guess that's what those flyers were that Andy had. I just kept nodding to whatever she was saying... I had gone by Mr.S's office but the lady said he wouldn't be in till later so I ended up in the cafeteria again. Which was fine cause honestly I didn't feel like going out anyway. And I knew Paul was suspended too so I wouldn't have to worry about seeing him.

I went and grabbed a tray and got a bagel and some ice tea. I was so looking forward to sitting alone and just clearing my head. I sat down at an empty table and let out a sigh of relief as I spread the butter onto the bagel. This was great... it was quiet... just what I needed- so you know it wasn't going to last long.

"Can I sit here?" Saras voice called out from behind me. I should've said no. But she is Rays girlfriend... I guess. I don't even know. I shrugged. Sara said she was surprised to see me back in the cafeteria. I wasn't in the mood for this... I made small talk with her over lunch. She really did seem to be a nice girl.

When we got up to leave I started to feel sick again.

"Wait Sara I just have to go in the bathroom and throw up." I said covering my mouth. I ran into the bathroom and threw up... again...

When I came out Sara was standing by the sink. She was looking at me funny. I walked past her and started to run the water.

"Sorry." I mumble.

"Are you bulimic?" She whispers.

"What?" I say laughing a little.

"I mean you don't look like...uh." she stuttered.

"You think I'm bulimic!" I laugh.

"Well no." She smiles a little back at me. " I mean yeah I guess not... you're not even that skinny!"

I frown. "You think I'm fat." I say pretending to be angry. Saras face dropped.

"No..I.." She got a little flustered.

"I'm just teasing you Sara!" I laughed.

"Oh yeah..uh.. Chrissy said you were pretty funny." She said unsteadily. I made a face.

"I just don't feel well, that's all." I say shutting the water and staring at my reflection.

"Well the cafeteria food can be-" She started to say and I shook my head no.

"I threw up this morning too." I say examining my eyes. They were real bloodshot... I wonder if I have any visene...

"Oh that sucks." Sara says sighing a little. "I hate throwing up. Its so nasty." She says putting on some lip-gloss.

"When my sister was pregnant she threw up all the time..."

Sara kept talking but I stopped listening. Pregnant?

No there's no fucking way... I mean...no... I remember Lia waving that box of condoms at me on New Years... But no... It couldn't...

I was feeling a little faint. I leant over the sink and shut my eyes a little.

Oh Gerard...I sighed a little.

Wait what if it's not Gerard...

What if it-

It-

Fuck.

Brutus...