FicWad

Gerard pulled out at the last second and came all over my stomach since we didn't have any condoms. It was at that moment I decided to go on birth control. I mean I love him. I really do. And I will have his baby. Someday. One day, when the time is right... When I'm not falling apart.

I went into the bathroom and showered off trying not to get my arm wet. It didn't work out so well. Maybe cause I was still a little fucked up. I ended up taking the brace off. I mean its metal and I got it wet. What if it rusts? Like fucking rusts shut and I can never get it off not ever?? So I took it off and tossed it out onto the rug. Then I got the gauze wet. Which probably would've been okay except somehow it ended up getting soapy too... So I ended up taking that off too and having to re wrap my arm in gauze when I got out. It wasn't so bad. It was mostly the stitches on my forearm that were re-sewn. I guess cause I had my fist clenched shut the stitches on my hand and wrist were okay...

I went into my room and Gerard was already sleeping in my bed. I grabbed some underwear and a tank top and tossed them on and looked over at him. He was lying fast asleep in just his boxers with his arms stretched out over his head. His hair was kinda messy, sweaty like. It was stuck to his forehead a little. I reached over and ran my hand through it. He really should've taken a fucking shower too... I guess he felt me touching him and woke up slightly, cause he grunted a little and reached up and with his eyes still shut he grabbed me and pulled me down in to the bed next to him. He rolled over on his side and pulled me close against him, wrapping his arm around me and sliding his hand up my tank top a little, before he settled down and fell back asleep.

As I laid there wrapped in his arms my mind started wandering. I was still kinda freaked about almost losing him. I'd die if I lost him... I don't ever want to lose him...Especially not to Jessica... fuck...Why am I thinking of her now?... Maybe Lias right and I should just not say anything ever about her. I still don't even know what happened between them... I wanted to wake him up and ask him about her. Ask him if he still cares for her and if he says he doesn't then why does he care if she's with Paul??...Fuck-Lia's right... If I make a big deal about him not wanting her to be with Paul he's gonna think its cause of Paul...That I'm jealous of her being with him...That I still care from him. Which I don't! I don't care who he's with or what he does. But Jessica... I know she wants him back.. I just know it... She can't have him... He's mine and I'm never gonna let him go.

I stared up at the ceiling for a while trying to figure out what to do... Eventually sleep caught up with me and I dozed off.

I was dreaming. Well actually it was more of a nightmare. It was Friday night. We were all at the dance. Everyone was dressed up in suits and pretty dresses and shit and I was wearing that goddamn tiger costume I had tried on for Gerard. Complete with the ears too! And no one thought it was strange. That's how I knew it was a dream. Gerard and I were dancing slowly. He pulled me close and kissed me. Then he said he wanted to tell me something. He pulled me outside and told me that he still loved Jessica. That he was just using me to make her jealous and now he was done with me. I started crying and ran off through some woods. And then somehow I swam across a lake and I ended up in an abandoned building. There was a guy there. A real creepy looking guy. I sat at the bottom of the steps crying and he came over. He said he could help me forget. That he could make me forget if I wanted. I said yeah and he pulled out a big needle and grabbed my arm. I couldn't move. He pulled out a rubber band and pulled it around my arm and shot me up full of heroin. I tried to scream. I begged him to stop. He said not to worry so much that he was my dad and this is how he helped my mom to forget her problems... I just stood there looking at him. Then he grabbed me and kissed me. He forced his tongue into my mouth and tore at my tiger costume ripping it apart. I was crying, screaming for him to stop.

And that's when I woke up. I jumped up in bed shaking a little. I was sweating so badly too. I could see some light streaming in from the window. It was morning... Thank God! I startled Gerard when I jumped up. He sat up too and he put his hand on my back lightly.

"You okay Elle?" He says rubbing my back. I nodded a little and shut my eyes and laid back down. "Mmm bad dream?" He asked lying back down next to me and taking my hand in his. I still had my eyes shut. I could hear him exhale as he squeezed my hand a little. Then it was silent...

"Aren't you gonna ask what it was about?" I said without opening my eyes. I can hear him take a deep breath.

"I want to... but I don't want to pry Elle." He says and I open my eyes quickly.

"Pry?" I laugh sitting up a little. "Are you serious?" I say and he smiles a little letting go of my hand and stretching his arms over his head.

"I dunno Elle." He says yawning. "I figure if you want to tell me you will... I just love you ... I don't want to push you if you're not ready to talk about it." He says softly.

I make a face and lay back down. He thinks my dream was about Brutus... "That's not what is was...I mean why the fuck are you so caring anyway?" I say and he laughs rolling over towards me. He pushes the hair from my face.

"Aw cause I love you Elle." He says and my heart melts a little.

"I love you to." I say and he smiles.

"Well then tell me." He says running his hand down my cheek a little. Fuck... good going Elle. Now what? Tell him my nightmare wasn't about Brutus... That it was about Jessica? Let him know you're some kinda nut. Doubting his love... I don't answer him. "Hmm... come on now." he says leaning over and kissing my cheek lightly. "Tell me what's got you so upset it woke you from your sleep my love." He says to me.

"Since when do you call me my love?" I say laughing a little. That's what Paul use to call me...

"Since you started calling me Gee." He laughs and I smile and roll over and face him. I bet that's what Jessica use to call him. Fuck she called him it that day in study... I gotta stop thinking about her...

"It wasn't really a bad dream.. It was kinda stupid actually." I say sighing a little. "It was mostly the part about my dad that got me upset." I say and he nods.

"So your dream was about your dad?" He says and I shrug a little.

"mmm mostly." I say and he looks up at the ceiling like he's thinking about something.

"You yelled for him to stop." Gerard says sitting up a little.

"He had a heroin needle and he said he could help me and he stuck it in me and then he was trying to..." I sighed a little. Gerard leant over and kissed my cheek.

"It was just a dream." He said and I nodded.

"Yeah I know." I sighed. "Hey, do you think I'm ever gonna find him." I ask as Gerard gets up out of the bed.

"Who Elle?" He says opening up my nightstand drawer and looking in it.

"Nick." I say and he looks at me like he doesn't know what I'm talking about. "My father Gerard!" I exclaim and he makes a face and shuts the drawer.

"You don't know he's even your father Elle." He says opening the top drawer of my dresser now and looking in.

"What the hell are you looking for?" I say as he shuts the drawer and starts to open the next one.

"Your cigarettes." He tells me making a face.

"Aw try my purse." I say and he reaches for it and pulls them out. "And Nicks gotta be my dad Gerard." I say stretching out on the bed. He just looked over and didn't say anything. "If you don't want to help me find him that's okay its not a big deal." I say pulling the blanket over my head. I was gonna try to go back to sleep. Gerard reached over and tugged the blanket off of me. "Hey!" I protest trying to tug it back. But he's got two hands. I've only got one...

"Its not that I don't want to help you Elle." He says sitting down on the edge of the bed looking over at me now blanket less. I sit up and take the cigarette from him. "I just don't want to see you get hurt babe." He says as I take a drag from it.

"Get hurt?" I say making a face.

He reaches over and takes the cigarette back from me. "What if he's not what you think?" He says and I frown. "Look what happened with Mr. Watson Elle." He says and I roll over pouting putting my back to him. "I hated seeing you torn up over that." He says grabbing me and rolling me back towards him.

"It wont be like that again." I say and Gerard sighs. "Nick's not...."

"He was a fucking heroin dealer back then Elle." He interrupts. "He fucking shot your mom up." He says a little disgusted. "what do you expect him to be now" He tells me. I shake my head a little.

"I know, I don't expect him to be anything Gerard." I say and he looks down at the floor. " But I am gonna look for him with or without your help." I say and he frowns.

"You could be so fucking stubborn some times." He says taking the last drag from the cigarette and mashing it into the ashtray by my bed. "If you're gonna do it. Then I'm gonna help you." He says and I smile. "Fuck I cant believe I'm gonna say this... why don't you go see Mr. Samuel then." He sighs exhaling the smoke.

"He's the one who told me about Nick!" I say loudly. "What the fuck? Were you even listening to me that day? He said he doesn't know anything else about him Gerard!" I say a little frustrated.

"Yeah but he may know someone who knows your mom too from before that may know where he is or what happened to him." He says and I jump up and grab him and give him a quick kiss.

"You're so fucking smart baby!" I cry out kissing him again. I never even fucking thought of that. "Oh no wait!" I say stepping back from him a little. "I can't ask Mr. S." I sigh.

"Why not Elle?" He laughs. "I'm sure he'd love to get you alone in his office again." He says pulling me close to him and running his hands up my back.

"Stop!" I say smacking his chest a little. "This is all your fault" I say trying to pull back. He wrapped his arms around me tighter. "You and fucking Ray with your fucking ideas." I tell him "You know I took off out of there on Friday cause of you." I say and he loosens up his grip on me a little.

"You what?" he laughs a little.

"We were talking and I started getting freaked out." I tell him and he frowns.

"Freaked out about what Elle?" He says still frowning.

"It was just my imagination." I say opening my drawer and pulling out some clothes. He was still frowning. "I'm serious Gerard. It was nothing. Just my imagination, I really don't want to talk about it." I insist.

"Well I do." he says and I frown. "we'll talk about it when I get out of the shower Elle." He says grabbing his clothes from the floor. His mom brought clothes for him to change into to the hospital yesterday. I mean he wore them last night for a little while so they were still kinda clean.

"Wait-you want me to throw them in the wash for you?" I say trying to change the subject. I reach over and try to take them from him.

"We wont have time." He says shaking his head no.

"Time for what?" I laugh. "You got a date or something." I tease.

"Its Sunday Elle...We're going to book club." He says plainly and I try not to laugh.

"Come on Gerard seriously... what do you got planned?" I say and he makes a face.

"Uh I told you. I gotta go check this Theodore out." He tells me. He was serious too.

"Gerard!" I laugh. "Don't go making trouble...he's just a harmless old man!"

"Well if he really is harmless like you say..." He says leaning over and kissing my cheek. "then there shouldn't be any trouble should there..."

"I am NOT going with you to spy on your grandma Gerard!" I say and he frowns.

"Its not spying Elle." He says shaking his head at me as he walks out. He went down the hall and into the bathroom.

He turned on the shower and got in. I jumped up and sat on the sink counter.

"It is too spying and I don't want any part of it." I say loudly so he can hear me over the water.

"It's not fucking spying!" He laughs and I don't say anything. "We'll just happen to be at the library and if you happen to see Theodore just point him out to me... that's all I'm asking." He tells me.

"You're a naughty boy Gerard asking me to help you spy." I say jumping down and looking at myself in the mirror. I twist my hair up the best I can with one hand and manage to put some kinda clip in it.

"Hey what happened to if you need anything let me know? Huh?" He yells out from the shower and I smile remembering last night. "If I remember you were a pretty naughty girl yourself." He laughs.

"oh you liked that!" I yell over the water.

"Aw hell yeah baby." He says and I laugh. "I love it when you're bad!"

"Then you're gonna love this Gerard." I said reaching and flushing the toilet as I walk out...