FicWad

I went back to my room and tried to get dressed. I wasn't exactly sure what to wear. I mean what do you wear to spy on someone's grandmother? Black was the obvious choice, I mean that's what most spies wear when they're in stealth mode right? But it was Sunday morning not the middle of the night and umm light out so maybe not.

I wanted to blend in. You know camouflage. But we weren't gonna be outside either. In the winter and well, when it rains book club is held inside, in the back in the reference section. I started pulling shirts out of my closet and tossing them on the floor frowning. I had nothing. Piles and piles of clothing and I have nothing!

Gerard walks in, in the middle of this and shook his head a little. He was fully dressed and smiling at me- although his hair was still wet. When he shook his head little drops of water flew off his hair and splashed me. I flinched a little as they hit me. He laughed and did it again. I guess this was what? Payback?

"Stop!" I moan taking a step towards my closet. He stepped towards me and I put my hand up and blocked him from getting any closer. "Come on stop Gerard." I whined. "I still gotta get dressed." I said turning back around and I start going through my closet again.

"Just put anything on." He says shrugging a little.

"I'm trying to find something to help me blend in." I say pulling out a dark green shirt and frowning at it.

"Blend in with what?" He laughs sitting down on the edge of the bed. He was putting his boots on now.

"With the library!" I exclaim tossing the green shirt on the floor. "You know I want to blend in with all the books Gerard." I say and he gave me a funny look. I turned back around and started reaching in to the back of my closet. I gotta have something back here...

Gerard got up and came up behind me. "Elle... You are never gonna look like a book." He laughed wrapping his arms around my waist.

"Why not!" I protest as he slides his hands slowly up my waist.

"Cause books are flat and you're..." he reaches up and squeezes my breasts. "Not." He says breathing into my ear a little. I laughed and tried to push his hands back down tripping forward a little. He still had his hands on me and he pulled me back against him.

"no no wait." He laughed gripping me tighter. As he pulled me back I stumbled again but this time back into him.
"I guess Bob was right." He laughed fondling me a little. He leant over and kissed my neck. I suddenly forgot what I was doing...

"Huh?" I said relaxing a little. I leant back against him and shut my eyes enjoying the feeling of his hands on me.

"About you tipping over." He laughed.

"What?" I gasped laughing a little too. "Wait you heard that?" I said turning around a little. He just nodded. I just looked at him,

"Don't worry babe. I think every little bit of you is beautiful." He says and I smile. "Especially your nose." He says kissing the tip of it. I laugh. "Come on now Elle, I don't want to be late." He says and I sigh.

"Do we really have to go?" I say running my hand through his hair. It was almost dry now... He nodded and I made a face.

I hesitantly got dressed. I ended up in a pair of jeans and a black shirt. I don't even know why I was so worried about what I was gonna wear. Once I put my coat on you couldn't even see it anyway...

We had to take my papas old car. My car was totaled and Gerard's was towed somewhere. I hadn't been in my papas car since before he died. It was strange being in it again. Especially to got to book club no less. I made Gerard drive.

He really shouldn't have been. I know his ribs were sore and he wasn't suppose to be moving around a lot, but I just couldn't drive it...

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asked me for like the hundredth time as we pulled up in front of the library. I guess it dawned on him how awkward this was for me...

"Yes." I say biting my lip a little.

"You're biting your lip Elle." He says as he shut the engine off. He looked over at me as he took the keys out.

"I told you I don't think its right spying on Helen like this." I say and he opens his door and gets out. I don't move. He comes around and opens my car door and holds his arm out for me. I just look up at him.

"Take my hand Elle." He says smiling a little. Fuck. I couldn't resist him. No matter how hard I wanted to. He knew it too... He wrapped his arm around mine and pulled me towards the door. "We're not doing anything wrong." He says and I roll my eyes. "We just happen to be at the library and if you happen to see Theodore... all I'm asking is you point him out... That's all." He says and I frown as we walk in.

We were standing in the lobby. Gerard was looking around. He didn't know which way to go.

"You don't know where book club is do you?" I say smiling at him. He doesn't answer me. "well then lead the way Gee!" I tease and he frowns.

"Come on Elle. Which way?" He says kinda loudly.

"shhh" I hiss at him. "This is a library. You have to be quiet." I say waving my finger at him.

"Sorry." He whispers and I smile.

"Come on." I say grabbing his arm. I dragged him up and down a few aisles just to frustrate him a little. I don't think he's ever been in the library before. I mean the reference section where book club was- was in the far right corner of the building. I made us go to the far left and start in the children's section, taking the longest possible route. He didn't seem to notice...

I stopped at the end of the encyclopedia aisle and peeked around the corner. Yup. There they were. The senior book club... Helen was sitting at a big round table with a bunch of others. To her left was Dorothy and to the right was Millie. Dorothy was knitting something as Helen and Millie looked on. I didn't see Theodore.

"There see." I said and Gerard leant over and peeked around.

"Which ones Theodore?" He says and I shrug.

"I don't see him Gerard." I say laughing a little and he frowns.

"Don't fucking lie to me Elle." He snaps and I take a step back.

"What is your problem!" I say a little louder than I meant to.

"My problem is that's my grandma." He says giving me a real nasty look. "And you think this is some kinda joke." He says to me.

"This is a joke." I say and he frowns. "She doesn't need you fucking looking out for her." I tell him. "Theodore's a harmless old man! And Helens a grown woman. If they want to go out they can" I exclaim and he shakes his head.

"They're fucking going out!?" He hisses at me.

"No!" I laugh.

"This isn't funny Elle." He says clearly upset with me.

"Yes it is." I say and he folds his arms. "I don't even understand what we're doing here." I tell him.

"No you wouldn't understand. Cause you don't give a fuck about anybody but yourself." He tells me.

"You know what I cant do this." I say taking another step back and throwing my hands in the air. "I'm gonna go sit in the children's section... you can come find me when you're done." I say trying not to cry as I turned and walked away.... He didn't stop me.

I know he cares for his grandma. But this whole thing was so ridiculous. I didn't want to get in argument with him either. Over what? I'm not even sure why he was so upset. But I don't need him talking to me like that. Fuck... I was making my way back to the children's section when I spotted Jessica. She was sitting at a table with a few other girls I didn't recognize. They must've been working on a report or something cause they had a whole bunch of books and papers spread out. She saw me and waved and smiled that fake smile of hers. I ignored her and kept walking. I so could not deal with her now...

Does he not know how hard it is for me to be here? How could he say I don't care for anyone? If anything I care too much. Everyone I've ever loved is gone...Its not my fault I'm all alone. All I want is someone to care about. And some one to care for me back... I sat down in an empty beanbag chair and shut my eyes for a second. Trying to re center myself.

After a minute or two I opened my eyes and stretched my arms a little. I picked up a book some kid left on the floor and started thumbing through it. I didn't recognize it. I don't think I've ever seen this book before. I started reading it. It was called Papa, please get the moon for me. The little girl in the story asked her dad to get her the moon and he did... It was a pop up book. I opened it back up to page where the moon popped out and ran my hand along it.
I couldn't believe that the dad in the story moved heaven and earth to bring this whiny little bitch what she wanted. It didn't seem fair. I slammed the book back shut. And looked at the back cover. Apparently this is some kinda award-winning book. The back says that after reading this "the children will come to realize that even a seemingly unreachable goal can actually be attained" What a load of crap. The next line was even worse. "They might not always succeed, but if a man were able to get the moon for his daughter, he'd do so." I tossed the book down in disgust and got up. That's the power of love...

Gerard still hadn't come looking for me. I had never felt so alone. So un loved...Is my dad out there? Does he love me? Would he get me the moon?

I walked back through the library slowly trying not to let my emotions take over me. I didn't see him anywhere. I needed Gerard so badly. I didn't even care about before. If he wanted me to apologize I would... for what I still don't know. Maybe he was right. He was seriously worried about his grandma and I was kinda mocking him. I went back to where I left him. He wasn't there...Book club was over too. Maybe Helen spotted him and he was with her. I went outside and Helens car was gone. Mine was still there. I would've got in and waited but Gerard still had the keys and all the doors were locked. I sat down on the bench and lit a cigarette up. He'd have to come out eventually. I sat on the bench watching the people walking by slowly smoking my cigarette. And then I thought I heard his voice. I looked around. I didn't see him. I didn't see anyone. But I could hear him.

I got up and walked along the building. His voice was getting louder. I could see shadows coming from the side of the building. He was talking to someone. As I got closer I recognized who. It was Jessica... Fuck...

I leant against the building when I heard her voice. They were only a few feet away. Just around the corner but they couldn't see me...That's when I realized what I was doing...I was spying on them... Fuck. He was saying something about Paul using girls and him not liking it. I wasn't surprised, I mean I knew he was gonna confront her, I just didn't think it was gonna be today... Then she said that if he really cared for her that he'd leave me and go back to her... Bitch... He told her it doesn't work that way... Damn right it doesn't... She said then I guess you never really loved me...Sorry Jess, but it looks that way...

I was just about to take a step forward around the corner so they would see me but I froze suddenly. His words cut through me unexpectedly...

"Of course I loved you... and I still do Jess..."

Hearing him say those words... my heart felt like it was torn in two. He said he loved her. But not just that he loved her but that he still loved her. I couldn't breathe. I could think. I couldn't... Fuck... I couldn't stand to hear anymore. So instead of confronting him, I ran... I ran away.

I ran back around to the front of the building. I had to get away from here. From them...I felt sick. Sicker than I've ever felt...I cant believe I ran. My papa would've been so disappointed. He raised me better than this. I knew I should go back and confront him...but I couldn't... I just wanted to go home and crawl up in ball under my blanket and die. Fuck! Gerard still had my keys...If I wanted them Id have to go back... You know what he could fucking keep them. I'm never speaking to him again... Ha! I'm sure once him and Jessica get back together he wont be speaking to me anyway!
Aah.. I have to get out of here. I reached for the payphone by the door and dialed the only number I could think of.
As soon as he picked up the phone I started sobbing.

"Can you please come get me..."