FicWad

I wish I could say it was raining. At least then it would make sense. Sitting in front of the window like I was, just staring out into the fading sun light. But it wasn’t… And I wasn’t moving. Too numb to move, I just sat and stared and waited. My tears were all cried out. My hopes were quickly fading. It’s a strange sensation. To be so far beyond sadness. Beyond the ache, beyond the pain - all that’s left is hollowness.

There was a soft knock on the bedroom door but I didn’t turn around. Didn’t even acknowledge it. Why would I? The door was already open- they stopped letting me close it. Afraid of what I would do behind it I suppose…

“Elle,” I hear him say softly as he entered and I felt myself instinctively swallow as if I was going to respond but couldn’t bring myself to. “Why don’t you lay down for a bit?” He nodded
towards the bed and I looked over at it.

My bed.

My bed in my old room. Here I was in the house I grew up in. After all these years so much had changed yet so much was still the same. I was only 22 but felt a hundred years old.

“Come on.” He nudged me towards it and I resisted.

“Maybe when Gerard gets home.” I replied and it was silent for a moment. I was hoping he would just leave but he didn’t. He just stood there looking at me. Like he was debating what to say so I turned my gaze back on to the window. I would sleep when Gerard came home. I would wait. Wait forever if I had to. I had nothing left with out him.

“He’s never coming home. He‘s gone Elle, you gotta realize that-” The words cut deep into me and I felt my knees starting to give out from under me and he stopped talking. Reached over to steady me but I pushed him away.

This wasn’t how it was suppose to be. This wasn’t how it was suppose to end. Is all I could think as I crawled into my old bed. Burying my face deep into the pillow I was flooded with memories. This is where it all began after all…

Bob hesitated at the foot of the bed. He knew better then to try and touch me. Instead he took a blanket down from the closet and covered me with it lightly. He paused in the doorway for a moment before flicking the light off and walking out the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts…

The last four years ran through my mind, a blur of images and sounds swirling around to a non existent melody. Sucking me deeper and deeper in, I felt reality drifting. My consciousness fading as my dreams enveloped me.

Gerard and I were in that field again. But this time it was different. We were together. Sitting on my papas old blanket under an oak tree, the field full of flowers…

‘You know…’ He says leaning back against the tree.

‘what?’ I say soflty, so eager to hear his voice again,

‘If I had to do it all over again I don’t know that I’d change a thing.’ He declared, pressing his lips together at the end in certainty.

I felt my face scrunch up in confusion and he laughed as he leant forward towards me. Suddenly
everything started going out of focus. The flowers, the field, the tree- it was all getting blurry. Almost like we were in a painting that was being washed away.. I kept my eyes focused on Gerard. I didn’t want to lose him. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. ‘Would you Elle?’ I hear him say as he starts to fade and there’s a soft ringing in the background…‘Would you change it…?’ was the last words I heard.

The ringing was getting louder and louder. So loud now that I jumped up startled from it all. I looked down at my blanket and tried to focus myself awake, but something was wrong. I was in my bed yes, but it wasn’t my bed. I mean it was my bed. It was my room, but it was my room from four years ago. The posters on the wall, the sheets, the vanity tray on my dresser… They were all mine but mine from long ago. The phone on the nightstand was still ringing and instinctively I reached for it.

“Hello?” I said into hesitantly, still taking in my surroundings…

“So lets hear it” Lias voice rang out and I pulled the phone closer to my ear.

“Lia?” I asked cautiously. I hadn’t spoken to Lia in so long.

“Uh yeah who else would it be?” She laughed and I rubbed my eyes a bit. ‘Was I still dreaming?’ I thought to myself but must've said it out loud cause she laughed again. “Come on Elle wake the fuck up I'm waiting.” She yelled into the phone.

“Waiting for what?” I asked still not sure what the hell was going on.

“Your dream stupid. Why do you think I call you every morning!” She huffed at me and I felt like the room was spinning.

“I..um.. I” Was all I managed to get out before she started yelling again.

“I'll come over there if I have to and pry it out of you!" she laughed and I laid back down in bed and gazed up at the ceiling.

“Um well, I was dreaming I was in a field with Gerard-“ I start to tell her and she cuts me off.

“Gerard?” She says like she doesn’t know him. “Gerard Way?” She snickered a little and I frowned.

“Yeah.” I sat back up again and there was silence on the line.

“Well, ga head Im writing.” She finally says.

“And we were sitting on my papas blanket and he said if he had to do it all over again he wouldn’t change a thing and asked me if I would.” I tell her lowering my voice down. Suddenly it was all hitting me at once. I started to tremble and I felt myself dropping the phone from my ear.

“Interesting… definitely interesting.” I can hear Lia say and a rush just came over me.

“Lia.” I cry out frantically pressing it back up to my ear. “What day is it?” I ask almost afraid to hear the answer.

“Um Monday.” She replied and I shook my head a little.

“No. what day is it?” I repeat.

“Umm, the eleventh I think.” She yawned and I felt my heart sink.

“9-11-01” My voice cracked as I said. The worst day of my life.

“Uh no Ellie, 9-11-97.”