Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Beginning Is Never The End
There was no way this was real. I had to be dreaming.
“Are you alright Elle.” I hear Lia say and I mumbled something back to her that I was and I would talk to her later before hanging up on her.
This wasn’t real.
It couldn’t be.
Unless it was…
I paced the floor trying to make sense of all this. And then I saw my hand. My perfect unscarred hand... I tore my shirt off and looked down at my chest. There was nothing there…No mark. No tattoo. Just my bare breast and I collapsed on the floor in tears. Was this a dream or was this real? If this is real then was all that just a dream? My head was spinning in circles of logic.
There was a knock on the door. I was almost afraid to say who is it. But I didn’t have to. The door just opened slowly and Bobbi-Jo peeked her head in and looked at me curiously.
“Girl what are you doing?” She looked at me somewhat in horror somewhat in amusement. I couldn’t blame her. I was topless on the floor. Curled up in the fetal position trying to stop myself from shaking but when I saw her I jumped up.
“Bobbi!” I cried out and lunged towards the door. She diverted her eyes from me and tried to stop me from hugging her but it was no use. “Oh my god Bobbi” I cried out as she pried me off of her.
“I don’t know what got into you.” She laughed waving her finger at me. “But you better get yourself dressed and off to school missy before you give your granddad a stroke.”
“Papa.” My eyes welled up as I said it and she smiled curiously at me.
I grabbed some clothes from the draw and when I looked back Bobbi-Jo was gone from the doorway. I threw them on and darted down the hall. The house was just as it shouldve been. Filled with my papas things and there he was. Sitting in his chair with his newspaper in the kitchen, Bobbi-Jo was pouring him some tea. The radio was on softly in the background.
“Oh Papa!” I threw myself on to his lap. I missed him so much. If this was a dream it was worth it. “I never got to say goodbye.” I whispered squeezing him tighter.
“Told you there was something wrong with her today.” Bobbi-Jo nodded and my grandpa chuckled.
“Well..” He stammered. “She- she is still going to- to school.” He nodded and I shook my head no finally letting him out of my hug.
“No, I’m staying with you Papa.” I sing out sounding very childish and he swatted his hand in the air at me.
“You belong in school child.” Bobbi-Jo muttered as she sat down across the table from my grandpa. And then it hit me. My papa was still alive. It was 1997. That means Gerard is too… My heart started racing.
I promised Papa Id be home as soon as I could and made him promise he would be there when I got back too. I ran back to my room and grabbed my cigarettes and the oversized purse bag that was hanging on the doorknob and started down the block. My heels clicking along the pavement quickly… I was half way up the block when I realized I didn’t even brush my hair since I ran out so fast. I dug through my bag fixing myself up as I walked. By the time I got to the corner I was done. And that’s when I saw him.
Paul.
Standing by the school gate and I waved. I don’t know why I waved. I guess cause I hadnt seen Paul in probably three and half years now. He waved back as he headed towards me.
"Hey baby" he said scooping me up in his arms and I squirmed as he tried to kiss me. What the fuck was he doing I thought to myself in panic turning my face from his…"Fuck I missed you." He says as started to kiss my neck.
“Paul put me down!” I cried out and he laughed but did.
“You look different babe.” He tells me looking me over and I found myself smiling as I replied.
“Well you look exactly the same as I remember.” I tell him and he grinned.
“Come on.” He went to take my hand and it was like another light bulb went off in my head.
“Nooo Paul wait. I cant we have to talk.” I try to tell him but he was already pulling me towards the school. Paul and I were still ‘together’ and I didn’t want to be together with him. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t!
“What's the matter?” He finally says as were halfway through the door. So I tell him. I want to break up. But it was like talking to a brick wall. I forgot in my mind I was 22 and he was still 17. “Look Elle what ever happened over the summer I forgive you for okay?” He tells me and I couldn’t help but smile. “I know you probably hooked up with a few guys and its cool, but Im back now okay?” He pats me on the head and I feel my blood boil. Was he always this condescending to me?
“No.” I say firmly lifting his hand off the top of my head. “You're not listening I'm telling you it over and that's final.” I start to walk away and realize he's following me. Holy hell! How in Gods name did I ever get rid of him the first time around?!
“Elle!” He called out after me and I just kept walking. I was going to the photography classroom. Even after all these years I remembered where it was. How could I forget. It was where I met Gerard. Well not met Gerard but it was where I fell in love with him…I just couldn’t wait to get inside. “God damn it stop!” Paul cried out grabbing my arm and slamming me into the classroom doorway. He must not have meant to be so rough or maybe it was the look of outrage I was giving him but he quickly dropped my arms and muttered sorry.
“whatever.” I sighed looking into the almost empty classroom. Gerard wasn’t here yet. I was early instead of late for once in my life.
“Look you just cant do this.” Paul motions dramatically and I found myself smiling yet again in amusement. “You just cant announce that's it over.”
“Um sure I can Paul.” I tell him scanning the hallway behind him now. Still no sign of
Gerard... Damn. What's taking him so long?
“Uh no you cant.” Paul insists like its some sort of law and I shook my head at his juvenileness.
“Uh yes I can.” I mimic back at him. “I can do anything I want!” I grinned at him and it was true! I had never felt so alive. So empowered... I had lived my life and was getting a chance to live it again. To make right what once went wrong. If I thought he could grasp the concept I might’ve explained it to him. “I can go where I want, and do what I want and be with who ever I want.” I carried on and he smirked a little at me as he stepped to the side a bit to let Chrissy in the room. He was blocking the doorway, we both were but he more so then I.. “What you don’t believe me?” I question him and he looked like he was about to answer but didn’t have the chance - because just then Gerard stepped into my view.
He looked so.. so… I don’t even know if perfect is the word for it. His hair was still long. He had that damn leather jacket on and was taking it off as he walked past Paul and I in the doorway. I couldn’t help myself. I threw myself at him. Grabbed him as tight as I could forcing my kiss on to him. He didn’t resist. He just seemed shocked. But I know he could feel it too. The energy between us… There was no way he couldn’t…
Suddenly I was yanked back from Gerard. Fucking Paul and his ego. In one swift motion he tore me from my love and pushed me to the side lunging at Gerard. Fists flying- chairs toppling over. Chrissy ran over and helped me up. The teacher Mr I don’t remember his name was screaming. Suddenly they were in the hallway. Gerard, Paul, a small crowd of students, and a man I could never forget- Mr. Bonner, the vice principal.
“Fuck.” I muttered under my breath. This was all my fault. I should’ve known better. I mean what was I thinking! I heard Mr. Bonner say something about taking them down to the office and I stupidly cry out “wait take me too.” But Mr. Bonner just shook his head no and told me to get back in my classroom.
Fuck.
So much for putting right what once went wrong. No. Instead I'm just doing it all again but making new wrongs….
Frankie walked in just as the bell rang. I smiled at him but he wasn’t looking at me. Mr Edwards was making a big deal about how he was late, and how he was going to make an example of him. Made him sit in the oversized stool as he lectured us about the class rules… Finally he was finished.
"Can I go back to my seat now?" Frankie whined. Mr. Edwards shook his head no. Then Frankie said something under his breath but I couldn't hear what it was. Some people laughed and Mr. Edwards turned a little red.
"That's it Frankie" he said ripping a pink slip from his book and handing it to Frankie. Frankie looked down. He knew what that was.
"Off to the Office I go!" he proclaimed as he crumbled up the slip. He didn’t even glance at me as he walked out. It was like he didn’t even know me…
I suddenly felt very sick. Like I didn’t belong here. Maybe I should just go home and try this again tomorrow. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I wonder- can you go home sick on the first day of school?
"Miss Waller…" I heard someone was calling my name. And then again but this time louder. "Miss Waller.." Oh fuck. Mr. Edwards was handing out cameras and apparently it was my turn. So I went up and got it from him and then just stood there.
“Is there a problem.” He said more like a statement and less like a question.
“Um I don’t know where to go after this.” I sorta whispered and gave him weak smile. He just gave me a hard stare back. I don’t know what I expected from him. But he was the teacher. He was an adult, like me sort of. And I didn’t know anyone in the classroom. I mean some of them looked vaguely familiar but it was so long ago. I just couldn’t remember.
“Well then maybe you should go get your schedule from the office.” He mimics my hushed tone back at me and I nodded eagerly. Yes. That was a good idea. Maybe they even had a map of the school I could have too… I slipped the camera in my purse and headed towards the door when his voice boomed out stopping me. “After class Miss Waller.” He scolded me and I sat back down defeated.
Finally the bell rang. Some how I made it to the guidance office. Another wave of anxiety passed over me. This is where I met Bobby…
But this wasn’t before first period anymore. It was after. Bobby was long gone. Probably for the best. Part of me was hoping to see him and part of me didn’t want to. Not after all that had happened…
I went up to the desk and asked for a reprint of my schedule and the woman told me to take a seat.
“Um no, I just need a reprint. that’s what you do - you print them out.” I tell her matter of factly. I wasn’t sure of a lot of things right now, but this I was.
“Well.” She says snidely. “The computers are down. If you were here an hour ago I could’ve printed it but now you wait.” She points me to a chair and I frowned as I sat down. What the fuck.
So I waited and waited and waited. She finally tore something off the printer and hands it to me. I asked her for a map too. She gave me a funny look and reluctantly handed me a student handbook and said there was one in the back.
The bell had just rung and second period was officially over so I headed to where my schedule said third was. Math.
The lights were dim and the overhead projector was humming. A seating chart was shining on the chalkboard. But I didn’t even need to look at it once I saw Mikey.
“Mikey.” I sighed collapsing in the seat next to him. I was so glad to see a familiar face.
“Hey.” He says and I widened my eyes at him.
“You know me?” I asked in disbelief. Could it be possible. Could Mikey be trapped in this alternate universe too?
“Uh yeah, youre Elle.. Elle Waller…”
“Are you alright Elle.” I hear Lia say and I mumbled something back to her that I was and I would talk to her later before hanging up on her.
This wasn’t real.
It couldn’t be.
Unless it was…
I paced the floor trying to make sense of all this. And then I saw my hand. My perfect unscarred hand... I tore my shirt off and looked down at my chest. There was nothing there…No mark. No tattoo. Just my bare breast and I collapsed on the floor in tears. Was this a dream or was this real? If this is real then was all that just a dream? My head was spinning in circles of logic.
There was a knock on the door. I was almost afraid to say who is it. But I didn’t have to. The door just opened slowly and Bobbi-Jo peeked her head in and looked at me curiously.
“Girl what are you doing?” She looked at me somewhat in horror somewhat in amusement. I couldn’t blame her. I was topless on the floor. Curled up in the fetal position trying to stop myself from shaking but when I saw her I jumped up.
“Bobbi!” I cried out and lunged towards the door. She diverted her eyes from me and tried to stop me from hugging her but it was no use. “Oh my god Bobbi” I cried out as she pried me off of her.
“I don’t know what got into you.” She laughed waving her finger at me. “But you better get yourself dressed and off to school missy before you give your granddad a stroke.”
“Papa.” My eyes welled up as I said it and she smiled curiously at me.
I grabbed some clothes from the draw and when I looked back Bobbi-Jo was gone from the doorway. I threw them on and darted down the hall. The house was just as it shouldve been. Filled with my papas things and there he was. Sitting in his chair with his newspaper in the kitchen, Bobbi-Jo was pouring him some tea. The radio was on softly in the background.
“Oh Papa!” I threw myself on to his lap. I missed him so much. If this was a dream it was worth it. “I never got to say goodbye.” I whispered squeezing him tighter.
“Told you there was something wrong with her today.” Bobbi-Jo nodded and my grandpa chuckled.
“Well..” He stammered. “She- she is still going to- to school.” He nodded and I shook my head no finally letting him out of my hug.
“No, I’m staying with you Papa.” I sing out sounding very childish and he swatted his hand in the air at me.
“You belong in school child.” Bobbi-Jo muttered as she sat down across the table from my grandpa. And then it hit me. My papa was still alive. It was 1997. That means Gerard is too… My heart started racing.
I promised Papa Id be home as soon as I could and made him promise he would be there when I got back too. I ran back to my room and grabbed my cigarettes and the oversized purse bag that was hanging on the doorknob and started down the block. My heels clicking along the pavement quickly… I was half way up the block when I realized I didn’t even brush my hair since I ran out so fast. I dug through my bag fixing myself up as I walked. By the time I got to the corner I was done. And that’s when I saw him.
Paul.
Standing by the school gate and I waved. I don’t know why I waved. I guess cause I hadnt seen Paul in probably three and half years now. He waved back as he headed towards me.
"Hey baby" he said scooping me up in his arms and I squirmed as he tried to kiss me. What the fuck was he doing I thought to myself in panic turning my face from his…"Fuck I missed you." He says as started to kiss my neck.
“Paul put me down!” I cried out and he laughed but did.
“You look different babe.” He tells me looking me over and I found myself smiling as I replied.
“Well you look exactly the same as I remember.” I tell him and he grinned.
“Come on.” He went to take my hand and it was like another light bulb went off in my head.
“Nooo Paul wait. I cant we have to talk.” I try to tell him but he was already pulling me towards the school. Paul and I were still ‘together’ and I didn’t want to be together with him. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t!
“What's the matter?” He finally says as were halfway through the door. So I tell him. I want to break up. But it was like talking to a brick wall. I forgot in my mind I was 22 and he was still 17. “Look Elle what ever happened over the summer I forgive you for okay?” He tells me and I couldn’t help but smile. “I know you probably hooked up with a few guys and its cool, but Im back now okay?” He pats me on the head and I feel my blood boil. Was he always this condescending to me?
“No.” I say firmly lifting his hand off the top of my head. “You're not listening I'm telling you it over and that's final.” I start to walk away and realize he's following me. Holy hell! How in Gods name did I ever get rid of him the first time around?!
“Elle!” He called out after me and I just kept walking. I was going to the photography classroom. Even after all these years I remembered where it was. How could I forget. It was where I met Gerard. Well not met Gerard but it was where I fell in love with him…I just couldn’t wait to get inside. “God damn it stop!” Paul cried out grabbing my arm and slamming me into the classroom doorway. He must not have meant to be so rough or maybe it was the look of outrage I was giving him but he quickly dropped my arms and muttered sorry.
“whatever.” I sighed looking into the almost empty classroom. Gerard wasn’t here yet. I was early instead of late for once in my life.
“Look you just cant do this.” Paul motions dramatically and I found myself smiling yet again in amusement. “You just cant announce that's it over.”
“Um sure I can Paul.” I tell him scanning the hallway behind him now. Still no sign of
Gerard... Damn. What's taking him so long?
“Uh no you cant.” Paul insists like its some sort of law and I shook my head at his juvenileness.
“Uh yes I can.” I mimic back at him. “I can do anything I want!” I grinned at him and it was true! I had never felt so alive. So empowered... I had lived my life and was getting a chance to live it again. To make right what once went wrong. If I thought he could grasp the concept I might’ve explained it to him. “I can go where I want, and do what I want and be with who ever I want.” I carried on and he smirked a little at me as he stepped to the side a bit to let Chrissy in the room. He was blocking the doorway, we both were but he more so then I.. “What you don’t believe me?” I question him and he looked like he was about to answer but didn’t have the chance - because just then Gerard stepped into my view.
He looked so.. so… I don’t even know if perfect is the word for it. His hair was still long. He had that damn leather jacket on and was taking it off as he walked past Paul and I in the doorway. I couldn’t help myself. I threw myself at him. Grabbed him as tight as I could forcing my kiss on to him. He didn’t resist. He just seemed shocked. But I know he could feel it too. The energy between us… There was no way he couldn’t…
Suddenly I was yanked back from Gerard. Fucking Paul and his ego. In one swift motion he tore me from my love and pushed me to the side lunging at Gerard. Fists flying- chairs toppling over. Chrissy ran over and helped me up. The teacher Mr I don’t remember his name was screaming. Suddenly they were in the hallway. Gerard, Paul, a small crowd of students, and a man I could never forget- Mr. Bonner, the vice principal.
“Fuck.” I muttered under my breath. This was all my fault. I should’ve known better. I mean what was I thinking! I heard Mr. Bonner say something about taking them down to the office and I stupidly cry out “wait take me too.” But Mr. Bonner just shook his head no and told me to get back in my classroom.
Fuck.
So much for putting right what once went wrong. No. Instead I'm just doing it all again but making new wrongs….
Frankie walked in just as the bell rang. I smiled at him but he wasn’t looking at me. Mr Edwards was making a big deal about how he was late, and how he was going to make an example of him. Made him sit in the oversized stool as he lectured us about the class rules… Finally he was finished.
"Can I go back to my seat now?" Frankie whined. Mr. Edwards shook his head no. Then Frankie said something under his breath but I couldn't hear what it was. Some people laughed and Mr. Edwards turned a little red.
"That's it Frankie" he said ripping a pink slip from his book and handing it to Frankie. Frankie looked down. He knew what that was.
"Off to the Office I go!" he proclaimed as he crumbled up the slip. He didn’t even glance at me as he walked out. It was like he didn’t even know me…
I suddenly felt very sick. Like I didn’t belong here. Maybe I should just go home and try this again tomorrow. I wasn’t prepared for any of this. I wonder- can you go home sick on the first day of school?
"Miss Waller…" I heard someone was calling my name. And then again but this time louder. "Miss Waller.." Oh fuck. Mr. Edwards was handing out cameras and apparently it was my turn. So I went up and got it from him and then just stood there.
“Is there a problem.” He said more like a statement and less like a question.
“Um I don’t know where to go after this.” I sorta whispered and gave him weak smile. He just gave me a hard stare back. I don’t know what I expected from him. But he was the teacher. He was an adult, like me sort of. And I didn’t know anyone in the classroom. I mean some of them looked vaguely familiar but it was so long ago. I just couldn’t remember.
“Well then maybe you should go get your schedule from the office.” He mimics my hushed tone back at me and I nodded eagerly. Yes. That was a good idea. Maybe they even had a map of the school I could have too… I slipped the camera in my purse and headed towards the door when his voice boomed out stopping me. “After class Miss Waller.” He scolded me and I sat back down defeated.
Finally the bell rang. Some how I made it to the guidance office. Another wave of anxiety passed over me. This is where I met Bobby…
But this wasn’t before first period anymore. It was after. Bobby was long gone. Probably for the best. Part of me was hoping to see him and part of me didn’t want to. Not after all that had happened…
I went up to the desk and asked for a reprint of my schedule and the woman told me to take a seat.
“Um no, I just need a reprint. that’s what you do - you print them out.” I tell her matter of factly. I wasn’t sure of a lot of things right now, but this I was.
“Well.” She says snidely. “The computers are down. If you were here an hour ago I could’ve printed it but now you wait.” She points me to a chair and I frowned as I sat down. What the fuck.
So I waited and waited and waited. She finally tore something off the printer and hands it to me. I asked her for a map too. She gave me a funny look and reluctantly handed me a student handbook and said there was one in the back.
The bell had just rung and second period was officially over so I headed to where my schedule said third was. Math.
The lights were dim and the overhead projector was humming. A seating chart was shining on the chalkboard. But I didn’t even need to look at it once I saw Mikey.
“Mikey.” I sighed collapsing in the seat next to him. I was so glad to see a familiar face.
“Hey.” He says and I widened my eyes at him.
“You know me?” I asked in disbelief. Could it be possible. Could Mikey be trapped in this alternate universe too?
“Uh yeah, youre Elle.. Elle Waller…”
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