Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The End Is Only The Beginning part 3
The next morning my mind was racing as we drove home. I mean we weren’t driving together. I had my truck and he had his car but the whole way home I couldn’t concentrate… I mean I just slept with my husband! It was weird… All these years that we were married and now… now…
Now I don't know. I don't know where we stand. I mean I love him and he loves me - that much I do know. So maybe shit wont be so complicated? Like, were already married. We already live together right? So when we go home- And that’s where my mind froze. Home… fuck…that word stuck in my head. I pulled into the driveway and just stared at the house… I could never see this place as a home again…
“What's the matter honey?” Bob says as he came up behind me. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me back against him, nuzzling his face into my neck. It was obvious last night wasn’t just a one-time thing to him… And why would it be? I mean I was his wife. He loved me. Gerard was dead and we were together now…
“I cant do this.” I pulled back from him in horror.
I ran in the house and found myself drawn to my window. I had retreated back into it. It was like that night with Bobby didnt happen. I wouldnt acknowledge it. And I couldn’t explain it… Days passed and I just sat.
I wish I could say it was raining. At least then it would make sense. Sitting in front of the window like I was, just staring out into the fading sun light. But it wasn’t… And I wasn’t moving. Too numb to move, I just sat and stared and waited. My tears were all cried out. My hopes were quickly fading. It’s a strange sensation. To be so far beyond sadness. Beyond the ache, beyond the pain - all that’s left is hollowness.
There was a soft knock on the bedroom door but I didn’t turn around. Didn’t even acknowledge it. Why would I? The door was already open- they stopped letting me close it a long time ago. Afraid of what I would do behind it I suppose…
“Elle,” I hear him say softly as he entered and I felt myself instinctively swallow as if I was going to respond but couldn’t bring myself to. “Why don’t you lay down for a bit?” He nodded towards the bed and I looked over at it.
My bed.
My bed in my old room. Here I was in the house I grew up in. After all these years so much had changed yet so much was still the same. I was only 22 but felt a hundred years old.
“Come on.” He nudged me towards it and I resisted.
“Maybe when Gerard gets home.” I replied and it was silent for a moment. I was hoping he would just leave but he didn’t. He just stood there looking at me. Like he was debating what to say so I turned my gaze back on to the window. I would sleep when Gerard came home. I would wait. Wait forever if I had to. I had nothing left with out him.
“He’s never coming home. He‘s gone Elle, you gotta realize that-” The words cut deep into me and I felt my knees starting to give out from under me and he stopped talking. Reached over to steady me but I pushed him away.
This wasn’t how it was suppose to be. This wasn’t how it was suppose to end. Is all I could think as I crawled into my old bed. Burying my face deep into the pillow I was flooded with memories. This is where it all began after all…
Bob hesitated at the foot of the bed. He knew better then to try and touch me. Instead he took a blanket down from the closet and covered me with it lightly. He paused in the doorway for a moment before flicking the light off and walking out the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts…
The last four years ran through my mind, a blur of images and sounds swirling around to a non existent melody. Sucking me deeper and deeper in, I felt reality drifting. My consciousness fading as my dreams enveloped me.
Gerard and I were in that field again. But this time it was different. We were together. Sitting on my papas old blanket under an oak tree, the field full of flowers…
‘You know…’ He says leaning back against the tree.
‘what?’ I say soflty, so eager to hear his voice again,
‘If I had to do it all over again I don’t know that I’d change a thing.’ He declared, pressing his lips together at the end in certainty.
I felt my face scrunch up in confusion and he laughed as he leant forward towards me. Suddenly everything started going out of focus. The flowers, the field, the tree- it was all getting blurry. Almost like we were in a painting that was being washed away.. I kept my eyes focused on Gerard. I didn’t want to lose him. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. ‘Would you Elle?’ I hear him say as he starts to fade and there’s a soft ringing in the background…‘Would you change it…?’ was the last words I heard.
I sat up in bed. Gerards words echoing in my head. The phone was ringing and then it stopped. I guess Bob picked it up in the kitchen. I really didn’t care. I immediately went back to my window. The sun was coming up now but I just wasn’t feeling it…
“Why did you die on me Gerard?” I cried out into the morning air.
The warmth of the sunlight seemed to dance around me, and all I could feel was this cold ache in my heart. Saying those words out loud, that was he was dead, was like admitting defeat…
He was gone and not coming back… not ever… He left me here. Left me here to make it on my own and I didn’t know if I could…I mean I don't even know what the hell I was doing with my life anymore… I mean I had a good life, -didn’t I? I mean I had a lot. A lot more then most people, and I wasn’t exactly alone. I had Bobby…Aw fuck Bobby… I found myself wondering if Gerard would approve. If he hated me for it…
I found myself praying, which I never do, not ever… But I was… I wanted a sign. Something to tell me if I was making the right decision, like being with Bob and all… Like if that’s what Gerard would’ve wanted… I squeezed my eyes shut and silently begged for something, a whisper, a sign, a feeling, anything…
I strained to hear his voice in the wind, to feel his touch on my skin, but nothing. The only sound was the chirping of the early morning birds and the only thing I felt was my tears on my cheeks...
So it was decided… Gerard wanted me to suffer forever with out him. And I would… I would end it with Bobby, I would drown myself in my own tears if I had to and then suddenly this overwhelming sensation came up on me, it felt like someone had sat down next to me… it felt like Gerard…
“Gerard.” I gasped as I opened my eyes and looked to the left, but he wasn’t there… Not literally at least. There was a small bug sitting next to me on the bed now…He must’ve come in through the open window. I looked at it and it looked at me. It was little and it was green and it had its hands pressed together. It was a praying mantis and I just knew it was from Gerard.
He didn’t want me to suffer. He was praying for me. He wanted me to be happy. I mean that’s all he ever wanted for me… I was drying the tears from my eyes when Bobby came into the room. Clutching a cup of coffee.
“You okay honey?” He says and I nodded slowly.
“Yeah…I will be…”
The End..
This is the end I suppose. I mean I could write forever. This story is my life. And I don't mean that in the figurative sense that it’s become my life with all the time I've invested in it. I mean like this story is my life, it’s my life story. Sure some things have been changed. Like a lot of names had been changed to protect the innocent. Not me cause if you read this far, then you know I'm not that innocent. I condensed down a lot of facts, twisted some things to fit, left out other things. But everything in it is based in truth. Everyone in it is someone in my life whom I loved, who I still love.
When I lost Brandon I thought my life was over, I couldn’t deal for a long time, I still can’t. But it’s gotten better and writing about it helped, it helps you know? It was something I had to do and if you take anything away from it, let it be that life is short, that tomorrow may never come. ‘Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.’
Ive been obessing lately about how things might have been. If I could go back and redo it. Knowing then what I know now. Hence the sequel..
Now I don't know. I don't know where we stand. I mean I love him and he loves me - that much I do know. So maybe shit wont be so complicated? Like, were already married. We already live together right? So when we go home- And that’s where my mind froze. Home… fuck…that word stuck in my head. I pulled into the driveway and just stared at the house… I could never see this place as a home again…
“What's the matter honey?” Bob says as he came up behind me. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me back against him, nuzzling his face into my neck. It was obvious last night wasn’t just a one-time thing to him… And why would it be? I mean I was his wife. He loved me. Gerard was dead and we were together now…
“I cant do this.” I pulled back from him in horror.
I ran in the house and found myself drawn to my window. I had retreated back into it. It was like that night with Bobby didnt happen. I wouldnt acknowledge it. And I couldn’t explain it… Days passed and I just sat.
I wish I could say it was raining. At least then it would make sense. Sitting in front of the window like I was, just staring out into the fading sun light. But it wasn’t… And I wasn’t moving. Too numb to move, I just sat and stared and waited. My tears were all cried out. My hopes were quickly fading. It’s a strange sensation. To be so far beyond sadness. Beyond the ache, beyond the pain - all that’s left is hollowness.
There was a soft knock on the bedroom door but I didn’t turn around. Didn’t even acknowledge it. Why would I? The door was already open- they stopped letting me close it a long time ago. Afraid of what I would do behind it I suppose…
“Elle,” I hear him say softly as he entered and I felt myself instinctively swallow as if I was going to respond but couldn’t bring myself to. “Why don’t you lay down for a bit?” He nodded towards the bed and I looked over at it.
My bed.
My bed in my old room. Here I was in the house I grew up in. After all these years so much had changed yet so much was still the same. I was only 22 but felt a hundred years old.
“Come on.” He nudged me towards it and I resisted.
“Maybe when Gerard gets home.” I replied and it was silent for a moment. I was hoping he would just leave but he didn’t. He just stood there looking at me. Like he was debating what to say so I turned my gaze back on to the window. I would sleep when Gerard came home. I would wait. Wait forever if I had to. I had nothing left with out him.
“He’s never coming home. He‘s gone Elle, you gotta realize that-” The words cut deep into me and I felt my knees starting to give out from under me and he stopped talking. Reached over to steady me but I pushed him away.
This wasn’t how it was suppose to be. This wasn’t how it was suppose to end. Is all I could think as I crawled into my old bed. Burying my face deep into the pillow I was flooded with memories. This is where it all began after all…
Bob hesitated at the foot of the bed. He knew better then to try and touch me. Instead he took a blanket down from the closet and covered me with it lightly. He paused in the doorway for a moment before flicking the light off and walking out the room. Leaving me alone with my thoughts…
The last four years ran through my mind, a blur of images and sounds swirling around to a non existent melody. Sucking me deeper and deeper in, I felt reality drifting. My consciousness fading as my dreams enveloped me.
Gerard and I were in that field again. But this time it was different. We were together. Sitting on my papas old blanket under an oak tree, the field full of flowers…
‘You know…’ He says leaning back against the tree.
‘what?’ I say soflty, so eager to hear his voice again,
‘If I had to do it all over again I don’t know that I’d change a thing.’ He declared, pressing his lips together at the end in certainty.
I felt my face scrunch up in confusion and he laughed as he leant forward towards me. Suddenly everything started going out of focus. The flowers, the field, the tree- it was all getting blurry. Almost like we were in a painting that was being washed away.. I kept my eyes focused on Gerard. I didn’t want to lose him. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. ‘Would you Elle?’ I hear him say as he starts to fade and there’s a soft ringing in the background…‘Would you change it…?’ was the last words I heard.
I sat up in bed. Gerards words echoing in my head. The phone was ringing and then it stopped. I guess Bob picked it up in the kitchen. I really didn’t care. I immediately went back to my window. The sun was coming up now but I just wasn’t feeling it…
“Why did you die on me Gerard?” I cried out into the morning air.
The warmth of the sunlight seemed to dance around me, and all I could feel was this cold ache in my heart. Saying those words out loud, that was he was dead, was like admitting defeat…
He was gone and not coming back… not ever… He left me here. Left me here to make it on my own and I didn’t know if I could…I mean I don't even know what the hell I was doing with my life anymore… I mean I had a good life, -didn’t I? I mean I had a lot. A lot more then most people, and I wasn’t exactly alone. I had Bobby…Aw fuck Bobby… I found myself wondering if Gerard would approve. If he hated me for it…
I found myself praying, which I never do, not ever… But I was… I wanted a sign. Something to tell me if I was making the right decision, like being with Bob and all… Like if that’s what Gerard would’ve wanted… I squeezed my eyes shut and silently begged for something, a whisper, a sign, a feeling, anything…
I strained to hear his voice in the wind, to feel his touch on my skin, but nothing. The only sound was the chirping of the early morning birds and the only thing I felt was my tears on my cheeks...
So it was decided… Gerard wanted me to suffer forever with out him. And I would… I would end it with Bobby, I would drown myself in my own tears if I had to and then suddenly this overwhelming sensation came up on me, it felt like someone had sat down next to me… it felt like Gerard…
“Gerard.” I gasped as I opened my eyes and looked to the left, but he wasn’t there… Not literally at least. There was a small bug sitting next to me on the bed now…He must’ve come in through the open window. I looked at it and it looked at me. It was little and it was green and it had its hands pressed together. It was a praying mantis and I just knew it was from Gerard.
He didn’t want me to suffer. He was praying for me. He wanted me to be happy. I mean that’s all he ever wanted for me… I was drying the tears from my eyes when Bobby came into the room. Clutching a cup of coffee.
“You okay honey?” He says and I nodded slowly.
“Yeah…I will be…”
The End..
This is the end I suppose. I mean I could write forever. This story is my life. And I don't mean that in the figurative sense that it’s become my life with all the time I've invested in it. I mean like this story is my life, it’s my life story. Sure some things have been changed. Like a lot of names had been changed to protect the innocent. Not me cause if you read this far, then you know I'm not that innocent. I condensed down a lot of facts, twisted some things to fit, left out other things. But everything in it is based in truth. Everyone in it is someone in my life whom I loved, who I still love.
When I lost Brandon I thought my life was over, I couldn’t deal for a long time, I still can’t. But it’s gotten better and writing about it helped, it helps you know? It was something I had to do and if you take anything away from it, let it be that life is short, that tomorrow may never come. ‘Dream as if you’ll live forever, live as if you’ll die today.’
Ive been obessing lately about how things might have been. If I could go back and redo it. Knowing then what I know now. Hence the sequel..
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