Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Dear Muggle: A Letter From Malfoy

by Roo 8 reviews

As part of a special school assignment, all Hogwarts students had to write a letter to a Muggle who knows about the wizarding world. This is Draco Malfoy's letter.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Draco - Published: 2010-02-10 - Updated: 2010-02-10 - 1081 words - Complete

As part of an attempt to better Muggle/Wizard relations, Headmaster Albus Dumbledore saw fit to have all the students of Hogwarts write a letter to at least one Muggle who knew of the wizarding world, telling them a little about themselves and their world, as well as asking any questions they might have about Muggles.

Some of the students delighted in the task, while others... didn't.

What follows is Draco Malfoy's letter, in full. None of it has been altered, so sensitive readers might want to note that it contains at least one use of a very degradatory term for Muggle-born wizards, as well as some curious remarks about dogs.

Dear Muggle, whatever your name is,

I have my doubts as to whether your small Muggle mind will be even able to read this letter, much less understand so much of a fraction of its meaning, but in the unlikely event that you do -- congratulations! You have just proven yourself to be almost as smart as my classmate Neville Longbottom, which in practical terms means you're slightly smarter than a rutabaga and therefore a genius by Muggle standards.

But then, as I understand it, you are one of the few Muggles out there who are aware of the existence of the wizarding world, and presumably, since you haven't tried to attack us with stone axes or whatever sorry excuses you Muggles use for weapons nowadays, you do have just about enough brain cells to understand that we're your betters and therefore best left alone. Good on you for that much, at least.

Allow me to introduce myself: My name is Draco Malfoy, a name which probably won't mean anything to you, but trust me: It's one of the most important names, if not the most important name, you'll ever hear in your miserable Muggle life.

I am a student of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a truly magnificent place (if somewhat harrowed by certain unwanted elements) that you, thank whatever primitive nature gods you Muggles believe in, will never come close to. And our Headmaster has, for reasons known only to him (and possibly not even to him, come to think of it), decided that the "Muggle-wizard relations should be strengthened" and has decreed that all students, pure-bloods and half-bloods as well as Mudbloods, should write a letter to a Muggle.

Given that it's common knowledge among the right-thinking that Muggles lack not only higher brain functions, but also anything resembling actual human emotions, I doubt you'll be able to grasp this part, but I'm only doing this because I was given the choice between writing this letter and serving detentions every week for the remainder of the school year. And believe me when I say that I seriously considered taking the detentions instead, rather than having to do this. In fact, if the choice was between getting expelled from Hogwarts altogether and write so much as a word to any of your kind, I'd probably have to think twice about it.

Now, you may not have caught on to this yet, so I'll spell it out to you: I loathe you Muggles. And I loathe you in particular. I have never met you, I don't know what your name is, and frankly I don't care. But I loathe you all the same, because I have to write to you, and therefore, for as long as it takes to write this letter, I have to keep in mind that there are people like you out there -- a thought that makes me feel sick to my stomach.

I come from a long line of pure-blooded wizards and witches, and my family name is respected, admired and feared throughout large parts of the wizarding world, and quite frankly, filth like you is, and should be, beneath my notice. I could do things to you beyond your worst nightmares, and I probably will, too, if I should ever meet you in person.

Still, since this is supposed to be about bettering Muggle-wizard relations, I might as well ask you a few questions:

One: Is it true that all Muggles stink so badly because you all spend your time rolling around in the filth with the dogs? And if so, do you do it out of some half-witted delusion that dog droppings are good for the skin, or do you just do it because you think it's fun?

Two: Doesn't it bother you that all Muggle culture is effectively brain-dead, or obscene, or both? (And don't even try to pretend like it isn't; I've seen one of those "movies" that you people are so fond of, and spent the entire time wishing that someone would come and cast the Cruciatus Curse on me to distract me from the pain of it all.)

Three: Given all Muggles' tendency towards brain-dead violence... if I cast a full Body-Bind Curse on a bloke named Harry Potter, and dropped him in the middle of the streets of London, would you kill him? Or at least give him a severe beating? And would it help your initiative if I paid you for it? (I have no idea if you Muggles understand the concept of money, but I could toss you some raw meat or something. I wouldn't even poison it.)

Don't feel you have to write me back with the answers to any of these questions. Of course, since this letter is getting so long, your pathetic Muggle attention span will probably have lapsed long before this point, and you'll have abandoned this letter and gone off to find some dog filth to roll around in. So there's really no point in continuing this, since even if you should remember about this letter later on, you or someone in your family will probably have mistaken it for toilet paper or something, rendering it completely unreadable.

If you should have any questions for me, about the wizarding world, or what it's like to be a person whose life has actual meaning, please don't hesitate to sod off.

Sincerely yours,
Draco Malfoy.

Epilogue: Draco Malfoy was nearly expelled from Hogwarts over the contents of this letter, but thanks to the interference of his father Lucius, and a plea from the Minister of Magic himself, the punishment was softened to detention every day for the rest of the school year.

The recipient of the letter, the Muggle Prime Minister, has not been available for comment.
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