Categories > Books > Harry Potter > The Unmentionables...?

B is for Bones!

by stick97

All praise the drunken squirrel! Please Read & Review!

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: NC-17 - Genres: Erotica,Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry - Warnings: [!] [X] [?] - Published: 2010-02-11 - Updated: 2010-02-12 - 3147 words

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes
(which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. Susan did not want to cooperate, and was
repeatedly deleted, corrupted and lost. Hopefully things speed up. Feedback
is always appreciated!

Hermione turned Harry back towards the gathered crowd of witches and
smacked him on the arse. "Now go out there and shag somebody!" she cackled.

Harry narrowed his eyes, already plotting his revenge, when he noticed
a witch dressed as some sort of flower. He laughed to himself,
thinking Neville would have loved this girl. She was a dream in
green, white and yellow, and her petals were the things the gods spoke
of in reverent tones. He finally looked up to the woman's unadorned
face and simply shook his head.

Leave it to Susan Bones to make his life easy. She had been hanging
around Harry and Hermione for years, always a fun shag, and pretty
much up for anything. While she was actually quite intelligent, her
bouncy attitude and bust made most underestimate her. At any rate,
Harry had long ago learned not to pass up an opportunity with the
happy former Hufflepuff.

"C'mon Sue, let's go. Love the costume by the way." chuckled Harry,
as he grabbed Susan's hand and walked to the doorway.

Susan started jumping up and down happily, skipping along past several
other disgruntled witches. She stuck her tongue out while crossing
her eyes at one or two witches in particular. Harry noticed none of
this, as he was quite distracted watching Susan nearly bounce out of
her low cut green top.

So distracted in fact, that he missed the opening of the door, and
found the frame of it with his jaw. As he bounced off the frame and
to the floor, he tried to recover his dignity, and ignore the buzzing
in his head. "After you, Ms. Bones." said Harry, politely gesturing
Susan through the door. He shook his head trying to ignore the
ringing noise in his ears. He did take a moment to enjoy the view as
Susan entered the room. She was in a long, green low cut form fitting
dress, that was slit up both sides nearly to her waist. She was
wearing elbow length gloves, along with a white flower petal headpiece that
finished the floral themed outfit off.

As Susan entered the room, Harry enjoyed the view as she swished her
hips back and forth. While most people focused on her front, Harry
was definitely an equal opportunity man, and had a great appreciation
for her tight, delectable arse. He thought back fondly to the one
night with Susan and Hermione, and the bottomless pot of warm
chocolate sauce, marshmallows, and...

"Harry! Aren't you coming?" giggled Susan, crossing her arms under her
breasts and pouting adorably.

'If I kept thinking about that night? All too soon!' thought Harry,
suddenly craving S'mores. He stood up, and after dusting himself off,
entered into the room. He began massaging his jaw, trying to clear
his head, and focus on the woman in front of him. "Wow, I really
rang my bell on that door! My ears are ringing, and I can't seem to
get this buzzing out of my head." laughed Harry, sticking a pinky in
his ear and wiggling it about. "What's with the music Sue? I
didn't know you were in to jazz?"

"Gee, Harry, I can't imagine why you would be hearing buzzing?
giggle Although I suppose you haven't taken a good look at your
costume yet have you?" asked Susan, who was beginning to laugh so
hard, she was in danger of bursting the seams of her costume.

Interestingly enough, it was having a similar effect on Harry's
costume. Harry looked down and wondered 'Why am I dressed in Hufflepuff
yellow and black stripes? More importantly, what in the bloody blue blazes am I doing
hovering a foot off the ground!? Harry was really starting to have
concerns, he suddenly heard the buzzing increase, and there seemed to
be a wind picking up in the room. Harry twisted frantically, trying
to see what was causing the noise and the sudden wind. Unfortunately,
whatever it was that was causing him to float, also caused an effect
similar to the plane he had seen used for training astronauts.

As he spun rapidly in the air, he thanked his father for his skills at
Quidditch. While he now understood why the plane was called the
"vomit comet", he seemed to not have the typical reaction. He was
getting a nice little buzz though.

He calmed down, and slowly his rotation speed reduced. He noticed
that Susan had unzipped the dress down to just below her navel, and her
luscious breasts were on full display. Susan trailed her hands up from
her hips and along hersides, slowly lifting and pressing both breasts
together. Between the throbbing in his loins, the damnable buzzing in
the room, and what felt like an imprint of the door frame in his skull,
Harry was almost overcome. Susan smiled, and with her right hand, lifted
a rosy nipple to her mouth and began to lick it while gesturing with her
left index finger for Harry to come closer.

Harry tried to walk towards Susan, but he didn't seem to be making any
progress. He tried moving faster, until finally he was running in
place. He looked down, and realized he literally was, and he was
still a bloody foot off the ground. He groaned, and shook his head in
frustration. Susan was now bent over, with her hands on her knees,
and seemed to be quite out of breath.

"You know, normally, I like to see a girl in that pose all out of
breath, but right now it stings a bit." grumbled Harry. He was really
starting to get frustrated, and was rapidly headed towards upset.

"Stings he says! chortle Really Harry? snorkle You really should
learn to not just fly into things without being aware of the
situation. giggle Being!" laughed Susan, falling on her arse and
rolling about on the floor, desperately holding her ribs and laughing
herself breathless.

"Ha. Ha. You know if you are just going to roll around on the floor
and wrestle with yourself, maybe I can charm up some jello or pudding,
so I can at least enjoy the show." groused Harry, with his arms
crossed and a rather frustrated look on his face.

"Oh, I don't know Harry, how about some honey instead? It might be
easier to whip up? Snort!" gasped Susan.

"Whatever, I think maybe I'll try and float back outside." said an
extremely frustrated Harry.

"Now, now, no need for that. Here, let me lend a hand, and we'll see
if a little stabilization doesn't clear things up a bit." Susan got
off the floor, and put action to word, grabbing the front of Harry's
costume with one hand and pulling him close for a passionate kiss.
After a moment, she pulled back slightly and licked her lips.
"Morganna, that witch is a genius! She should get an award for this!"
whispered Susan. She slowly dragged her left hand down Harry's chest,
and proceeded to extract his manhood from the costume. "There now.
I've found a nice sturdy handle, why don't you look over your shoulder
and see if we can't clear things up." smiled Susan, slowly stroking
Harry, while occasionally rubbing the thumb of her right hand over the
tip to spread his precum.

Harry shook his head again, trying to clear his head, and wondering
exactly why he would want to look away from Susan sucking on her thumb
with a blissed-out expression. He also noticed the music seemed to
have slowed down and acquired a familiar bass line. Finally, he
slowly looked over his right shoulder and saw a rapidly buzzing pair
of wings! He looked back at Susan in shock, and she simply giggled,
before pointing up at his head. Harry simply goggled at Susan, before
she removed one of his hands from her breasts, and placed it on his
head. He went to instinctively rub at the sore spot on his head, when
he stopped in amazement.

He had a pair of bloody antenna sticking up out of his damned head!
He could feel them waving about furiously, as it all came together.

He was a great, big, honking bee!

Oh, he was going to have Hermione's ass for this. He'd make her wear
those charmed knickers he had come up with the twins when they were
considering opening up an adult division. The ones' remotely
controlled by his wand!

"Hmmm, Harry? Is this great big stinger for me?" asked Susan in a
throaty voice as she bent over, placing the head of her penis in her
mouth and wantonly sucking on him. "MMMM...I think I want some more
of this honey Harrybee. What do you say?"

"Are you asking me to pollinate you Ms. Bones?" asked a now smiling Harry.

"Well, at the very least, you can tickle my pistils. Now, lemmee see
what we can do with this stinger of yours?" purred Susan. With that,
she took one last sloppy lick of Harry's cock and placed it between
her breasts. She pressed her breasts together and began to slowly
slide them up and down. Harry leaned his head back and groaned. He
had to admit shagging Susan's titties was one of his favorite things.
There was just something so nice about being all surrounded by her
soft, warm breasts that made him a happy wizard.

"Harry? You want to stop standing there with your hands on your hips
like some wannabe superhero? The girls are lonely and feeling
neglected. Ahh, that's better. You know, now that I think about it,
you'd make a pretty good superhero. You certainly could fill out the
spandex. Now we just need a name. The Bee? giggle No no. I know,
the Mage! Superwizard! Lightning Man? Ohhhh, I like that.
MMMMMMM...." moaned Susan.

"Funny lady Sue. I think I got enough of the hero thing at Hogwarts.
The only uniform I'll be wearing is an Auror's. Where the hell did you
come up with those names? Super wizard? Really? What has you so
excited about the name Lightning Man anyways?" asked Harry.

"Oh hush, you berk! I was only kidding about the superhero thing! I
was moaning because of what you were doing to the girls. Keep that
up, its heavenly!" said Susan. She definitely seemed to be enjoying
the attention Harry was paying her, as she had sped up her motions,
and was licking the crown of his dick as it came into range.

"Ok. Well, I have to admit, if any of us were to end up in spandex, I
would want it to be you. Although Lightning Man does have a sort of
nice ring to it. Ah, who am I kidding, Hermione would kill me. Of
course, if you keep that up, she'll miss her chance." laughed Harry.

"MMMmmm, no worries Harry, Hermione would never do that. She's got
plans for you. giggle Although, from what I saw of Marietta, you'd
better hope the crone crew doesn't find out about them. They'd have
you chained up, pumping out "Pottergene" and "Harrycox" treatments all day long.
Probably shagging them all bow legged all night long to boot." laughed

Harry shivered.

"Merlin, Sue! I love watching you laugh. It gets your boobs
jiggling like the clouds of heaven crossed with jello. I could spend
the rest of my life doing that. Now if I could just convince you to
keep up what you were doing to me for the rest of your life, I'd die a
happy wizard. Seriously though, how different would what the crones
do to me be from what you lovely ladies are doing?" asked Harry.

"Well, for starters, you chose to come here silly. For another, I'll
thank you very much not to compare me to Umbitch and Molly Weasley,
Mr. Potter. I would think you'd be able to tell the difference
between my girls and the toad and the cow!" huffed an annoyed Susan.

Harry shivered for a much less pleasant reason, and tried to burn that
image out of his mind.

"Sorry Sue, you know I would never confuse you with those monsters.
But between them, the Dursleys and the headbastard's treatment; I've
had enough of being a prisoner and the mushroom treatment." grumbled

"Awww, I'm sorry Harry. I think we scared little Harry, don't worry,
I'll make it up to him." cooed Susan, and she went back to lustily
sucking on Harry's manhood.

Harry knew there was something going on, and he decided he would get
it out of Susan with a little positive reinforcement. He kept one
hand busy with a nipple, while he started running his other through
her hair.

Susan always had a thing for him playing with her hair, and Harry was
taking full advantage of it. He was starting to pinch her nipple
harder, as she bobbed and jiggled along. It seemed the faster rhythm
he pinched, the more excited Susan got. Now that he had her

"Alright Sue, what exactly is Hermione's plan? I thought the SPPEW
thing was just a misprint, but it's all over the place, even on the
banners. Once is a misprint, this many means something. While I'm at
it, what the bloody hell is that scoreboard thing? It reminds me of
something the twins and I saw in a casino we stayed at when we went to
that aduhhh...industry convention in Las Vegas we went to back in
January." questioned Harry. He was now pinching and tugging on
Susan's engorged nipple, and had gathered her hair into a ponytail,
and was gently pulling her hair in synchronization.

Susan's eyes got large, and she quickly began attempting to deep
throat Harry. She was lustily slurping on his dick, and if she kept
it up his crotch was going to spontaneously combust with the amount of
friction she was generating with her breasts.

"MMMppph slurp Thhrry Hrry! slobber cnt tlk, knobgobble mah mths
fll slurpslurp rht nw!" mumbled Susan, as she kicked her fellatio
into overdrive.

Harry's eyes narrowed, he knew she was up to something, but his lower
half, and most of his brain were telling him to shut the hell up and
enjoy himself. "Dammit Sue, I know that she's up to something so why
don't you just be a good girl and tell me what the hell is going on?"
He looked down into her eyes, and she closed them and began swirling
her tongue around the head of his cock. Dammit, if those girls
weren't sharing secrets! They knew his weakness!

"Sus, baby Jeebus! I'm getting close
Sue!" warned Harry, as all gentlemen should.

Susan reacted by pressing her breasts down the shaft, and nestling his
balls into their soft, warm embrace. She began furiously stroking
him, and Harry was worried she was going to suck his brains out of his
head at the rate she was going. Not to mention the wings on his back
were virtually invisible they were buzzing so fast, and he was feeling
light headed.


"Oh gods! Here it comes Suzy!" groaned Harry. With a grunt, he felt
his orgasm come on.

Susan's lips pulled off with a wet POP! and she aimed the spurts all
over her heaving chest. She groaned as she rubbed her thighs
together, enjoying the feel of her lover's seed splashing all the tops
of her slick breasts. She leaned back and rubbed the fluid into her
chest, laughing as she told Harry, "Ah, my favorite moisturizing
cream!" She trailed a fingertip through and popped it into her mouth
sucking it clean. "Mmmm, that's the bee's knees! That witch will win
the Morganna Medal for this!" She wrapped a hand around Harry's cock
and proceeded to give it a thorough tongue bath cleansing. She felt a
tingling in her chest and she gave a sudden squeak.

"Oh Sweet Maeve! I'm coming!" squealed Susan. She shook her head and
looked at Harry in wide eyed wonder. "I just...Unbelievable! So much
easier...goodness!" grinned a heavy lidded Susan.

Harry blinked, waiting for all of his senses to come back on line and
active. Realizing that Susan was standing he looked down and realized
he had been floating the whole time, and she must be talking about the
fact she didn't have to get on her knees. As he slowly floated down
to the ground as the wings stopped frenetically buzzing, he remembered
what he had been trying to ask! "Sue, come on now, help your old
partner out, tell me what's going on with this..." asked Harry.

Susan was ignoring him poking at her breasts in wide eyed wonder, and
hefting them as if surprised by them.

"Sue! Sue! Harry to Suzy! Are you there? You OK?" asked a now
concerned Harry.

"My back doesn't hurt! Harry, my back doesn't hurt, and the girls feel
like when I was 13 again! I gotta go Harry! I need to talk to
Hermione! Thanks! Bye!" squealed Susan, as she ran out the door
calling for Hermione.

"Hmmph! This is getting to be a disturbing trend. I'm going to get a
bad reputation if this keeps up. What with all of the witches running
out of the room, squealing and crying and whatnot!" grumbled Harry.
He sighed, and headed out the door, stumbling as the wings shrunk back
into the costume, throwing his balance off. The yellow stripes slowly
shrank as they black grew, until he was once more dressed in a normal
set of black dress robes. Thankfully, the jazzy buzzing song seemed
to fade away as well.

As he left the room, he noticed almost all of the witches were
clustered around Hermione and Susan, with the occasional witches head
poking up and staring at Harry with a disturbingly hungry look. What
the hell were they all up to over there? He shrugged, as a witch
grabbed his arm and started dragging him off towards...

Just a few notes: I am going for some humor in this one, and to avoid the whole
UberSexGod thing. I am also trying to lay some more hints about SPPEW
and the scoreboard without giving everything away. Did it come across
to similar to the scene with Marietta? Too graphic or repetitive?
Also, any suggestions about better "Brit" versions of body parts and phrases?
I do have the next scene and the overall story roughed out, but
depending on the feedback I get from this, I may take a break for a
Sign up to rate and review this story