FicWad

In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):

"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"

Chapter 5 A Giant Problem

He shrugged, as a witch grabbed his arm and started dragging him off towards a nearby doorway. He tried to maintain his balance but as he crossed the threshold of the door he fell flat on his arse.

"Oi! What's the bloody idea of making me fall on my arse? I've been pretty good natured about this whole thing, but I am more than a magic dildo!" ranted Harry as he tried to regain his footing. He rolled over and stood up, and came face to crotch with an enormous witch.

'Goddamnit Hermione! You are getting a paddling when I get my hands on your pert little arse! I get drunk that one time and Madame Maxime gets ahold of me, and now she can't get enough of me. Like it's my bloody fault that Hagrid took after the small side of his family where it really matters to witches! Merlin! I don't want to have to face Pomfrey again. I really doubt she will buy the whole shattered pelvis by rogue Bludger thing again.' thought Harry as he desperately tried to think of a tactful, well, any method of extracting himself from what he felt could rapidly become a train wreck. He had no desire to have an angry or crying, or heaven forbid, angry and crying giantess on his hands.

Harry looked around frantically, pleading that the infamous "Potter Luck" would bail his arse out of this one. All things considered, beating Voldemort was a mere footnote. The fact that he had ended up with his best friend, instead of the rabid ginger fan girl was a miracle. Throw in the tidbit about said best friend being a insatiable bisexual, who had attacked their sexual education with a intense and fanatical fervor that made her infamous study habits at Hogwarts seem like the effort a stoned Dudley would put forth to learn Advanced Thermal Dynamics?

Well, let's just say Harry thanked his father and mother for the lucky charm they had cast upon him when he was an infant. Sure, it took a little while to kick in, but the benefits outweighed the negatives by far.

As this all ran through his head, the intelligent part of Harry finally started to put things together. The intelligent part of Harry had always been there, nearly beaten into submission by the Dursley's, and smothered by the MoRon and his clan, but thankfully Hermione had been able to nurture it and bring it to the forefront of Harry's character.

It seemed that Hermione had learned that intelligence was actually what she was so in awe of when it came to authority figures. So when the intelligent and intuitive, analytical side of Harry had peeked out during their time in the tent? Hermione had once and for all written off Ronniekins and his pigheadedness and insecurities.

Along with her knickers, except for "special occasions".

So there poor Harry was, about to be mauled by a horny, insatiable giant cougar, when the intelligent part of him noticed a very important detail of his surroundings.

Everything was bigger than him! Not just the witch in the room, everything in the room was bigger! Which meant the witch was not a Giantess, but that he had shrunk! He took a calming breath, and looked closer at the witch who had forcefully drug him into the room.

She was wearing a formal dress pair of robes, but they did not seem to fit her. Almost like a young girl dressing in her mother's robes. She seemed irritated, uncomfortable, as she shifted her feet back and forth. Just as he was craning his neck up to look at her face, he heard a disturbingly familiar voice.

"Potty! Get to work, and undress me, or I'll have you ironing your ears!" hissed the voice of the widow, Pansy Malfoy!

'Oh Hell No!' thought Harry. 'There is no way on God's green earth I am shagging this skanky bitch!' Harry closed his eyes, and shook his head furiously, only to open them wide in shock. He felt his ears flapping back and forth, as they actually struck him about his bald head. He blinked furiously, as he took in the details of his costume. His skin had a pale, sickly green tint, and all he was wearing was such a filthy threadbare excuse for a pillowcase that any sane elf would have been ashamed to be seen in. More disturbingly, he could see his twig and berries hanging free, almost dragging the ground.

His first instinct was to run and throttle Hermione for suckering him into this whole thing.

Unfortunately for Harry, the costume seemed to have a mind of it's own. And it was that of a meek, eager to please house elf!

Harry felt bile rise in his throat, as he scurried over behind Pansy, and began to remove her dress. What at first glance had seemed a regal Lady's formal dress, upon closer inspection revealed more about the woman in front of him. It seemed the former Lady Malfoy had fallen on difficult times indeed. She was wearing a shabby rental costume from a store in Knockturn Alley that catered to hags. It covered a body that had never been amazing, but that had definitely gone to seed. Her skin was pockmarked, and covered in scabs and lesions. Pansy had contracted Dragon Pox at some point, along with who know what else.

"Come on Potty! Move your filthy arse and get me undressed so I can have my way with you! I'll show you what you've been missing sullying your line with mudbloods and dark creatures!" cackled the hideous woman. While she had always slightly resembled a dog or a pig with her pug nose, she now smelled like a diseased, wet mangy dog. It seems that the so called inner beauty truly fit the outside now.

Harry shivered, and thought he began to understand why Dobby had always been on about closing his head in the oven, and bashing his head against the walls. Harry knew he had to come up with something fast, or he would be looking to bathe in battery acid, and gargle bleach.

"Damnit Potty! You always dressed like a miserable house elf, so obey me like one, and do as I say! The costume makes you take on the characteristics of whatever I want, and I want a subservient elf to abuse! Bet you weren't expecting that one were you "hero"? Yes, it's amazing what you can find out when you are down in the seedier parts of Knockturn Alley, Potty! This party has been the talk of the witches' grapevine, it has. Too bad for you, I managed to get a mock up of the invitation for myself! Your old "friend" Mundungus really never forgave you for making him give back what he took from the Black Mansion. He was more than willing to negotiate out a fair trade for the ticket and this costume. When I am through with you Potty, your precious mudblood and all your friends won't want anything to do with you!" raved the unhinged witch, spitting and waving her arms about.

Harry knew he needed to stall, while he tried to figure out a way out of this situation. At least the crazy bitch was monologuing, so he had a few precious seconds to come up with a solution. What the hell was he going to do to get out of this one?

Harry knew that if he didn't come up with something quickly, he would definitely regret it. He realized he was wringing his hands and hopping from foot to foot like he was standing on hot coals. The panic he was feeling was alien, and totally out of character for him. He was the Man who Shagged, the Pureeer of Pureblood Ponces, and Victor over Voldemort! Why the hell was he so worried about some slag trying to shag him?

More importantly, why in the seven hells was he worried about making the mistress happy?

'It is Potty's job to make the mistress happy, or else he must be slamming his twiggses and berries in the ovens door!' thought Harry.

'What the FUCK was that! Where in the blue blazes did that crazy arse shit come from!' thought a severely panicking Harry Potter. Harry now knew that there was something seriously wrong, and that it seemed like the costume was actually having an effect on his thought processes, not just his outer appearance.

'Either that or all those dark curses had finally managed to scramble his brain like a 3 day old omelet.' said a small part of him, trying to either lighten the mood, or make him realize he was bat shit loco.

He'd have to toss a coin later to decide for sure.

"POTTY!" hissed Pansy Malfoy, snapping her glistening fingers in front of Harry's crooked nose. Between the loud snapping noise, and the horrid odor, Harry was quickly brought out of his mental short circuit. He quickly looked up from the gooey fingers in front of him, and suppressed a shiver and what felt like a little bit of bile rising at the back of her throat.

It appeared that while no longer a member of society's elite rich and spoiled, Pansy was still an impatient bitch. She had removed her fourth or fifth hand costume and was standing in all her knobby kneed, scabby glory. Harry felt his vision start to swim, while his stomach put in notice of an impending strike. He could feel more and more connections to sanity stretch, and almost snap...

...snap...SNAP!!!

'Bugge, eh, no wait, don't even think that one Harry. I look like an elf, I am thinking like a bloody elf, so act like a proper bloody elf, you great plonker!' laughed Harry to himself.

He smirked, and raised his left hand menacingly. He glared at Pansy and placed the tip of his middle finger against the pad of his thumb.

"Mistress Skanky Stinky flower shall not harm Harry Potter!" growled Harry, as he snapped his fingers loudly. He waited for Pansy to break down in tears, curse his name and flee in terror.

'Wait for it.'

'Anytime now.'

'Halllooo out there?!? Snappy fingers means no more playtoy for psycho lady!' thought Harry, as he got an ominous, hollow feeling in his stomach that reminded him of the first time riding the cart to his vault.

snap

snap!

SNAPSNAPSNAPSNAP!!!

'shit.'

"What's wrong little Potty? Is your big bad elf magic not working?" sneered Pansy as she circled Harry like some deranged cougar looking at a tasty snack.

Harry put both his hands in the air, and pushed back imaginary sleeves on both arms. He glared once more at Pansy before he frantically began snapping the fingers on both of his hands, in any matter he could think of.

While it was an impressive display of magic, and flowers appeared, the dirty costume disappeared, things went flying and dipping about the room, while every door or drawer opened and closed itself while their contents performed an intricate aerial ballet; nothing happened to Pansy.

Other than the skanky slag being reduced to tears as she laughed herself hoarse.

"What's wrong there Potty? Don't you realize you can't do anything to hurt me unless I give you clothes? Of course, the only article of clothing left that you haven't vanished are my knickers. So why don't you come over here and take them off with your teeth!' cackled the insane hag. "After all, you're the reason I only wore them once, it's all too fitting you have to remove them, since you killed my husband you bastard!"

Harry had the strong and sudden urge to retch, but was feeling compelled to move towards Pansy all the same. He was screaming in his mind, but merely hunched over, and proceeded to hobble over towards the diseased witch. He shook his head mentally, and thought to himself, 'I beat Voldemort and the inbred idiots, and I'm going to be done in by Skankzilla and her diseased arse. Wonder where the hell that was in the prophecy?'

"Come along now Potty! Time to earn your keep, you miserable bastard! You may have killed Draco, preventing me from having an heir, but I'll get your seed in me, and be able to claim both the Potter and

Black vaults as well now. You should have just left things as they were, but NO!" screamed Pansy as she paced back and forth, waving her arms wildly. Harry was forced to follow her, trying to fulfill her earlier command. "You and that damnable elf have to go play the heroes, and come to arrest Draco in the middle of our Honeymoon! He was so drunk, he couldn't even get it up, so I was left with nothing but a title! Miserable ponce tried to apparate away, leaving me to your mercies and left behind his upper torso. Hell, if he had at least left his lower half, I could have still had a child! Well, this will fix that right up, and I'll be the richest witch in the hemisphere! Maybe, I'll keep you around as my house elf if you do a good job tonight, Potty. Now get over here and make us a heir!" ranted Pansy.

He was able to at least slow his pace, but it was as dreadful as the time watching that cake slowly float over the heads of Uncle Vernon's guests when Dobby had been so intent on protecting him. If only Dobby were here right now! He had disappeared a few months ago, something about a new business venture dealing with cash that Hermione had suggested to him, and Harry had seen neither hide nor floppy ear of him since.

"Potty wishes friend Dobby elf was here to be savings his arse rights now." grumbled Harry under his breath.

POP!

Suddenly, Dobby appeared in the middle of the room, resplendent in a 70's plush crushed red velvet pimp suit, loaded with gold chains, and gold and diamond earrings weighting his ears down. He was wearing basilisk skin platform shoes, and had a extravagant hat on with what looked like two of Fawke's long tail feathers in it. In one hand, he was twirling Lucius Malfoy's Pimp Cane, and had the shrunken Goblet of Fire in his other. He turned, and smiled at Harry, who was nearly blinded by the diamonds and gold that adorned his teeth.

"Master Harry Potter calls for Dobby?" asked the madly grinning elf.

"Thank god you's is here, Dobby! Crazy Mistress Skanky Stinky Flower is wantsing to be knocksed upsed by Potty elf!" whined Harry.

Dobby stopped spinning the cane, and turned with a low, rumbling growl towards Pansy.

Pansy paled, which was impressive, as she already would make a vampire look tanned, and said only one word. "Bugger."

Dobby took a swig from the shrunken, flaming Goblet, and handed it to a befuddled Harry. "Holds this whiles Dobby is takesing cares of Dobby's business." growled the enraged elf. Harry took a look into the swirling, flaming liquid in the jeweled Goblet of Fire, and seriously considered taking a nice, long drink. It couldn't make the scene any odder after all. As he lifted the Goblet to his mouth he felt a sharp rap on his noggin, from the pimp cane in Dobby's hands.

"Bloody Hell Dobby! That hurt!" exclaimed Harry, rubbing his forehead, as he squinted in pain. 'Damn, that elf can really pack a whallop. I feel dizzy as hell, I think he gave me a concussion!' thought Harry. He swayed drunkenly, and when he opened his eyes upon hearing a loud thunk, blinked several times as his jaw dropped.

Harry had returned to natural form, and was once more wearing what appeared to be the default setting for the costume. He ran his hands over the dress robes, and proceeded to check to make sure he had hair, and that his ears were once again normal.

He sighed in relief, and then gasped, as his eyes came upon Pansy.

She was green, not from nausea, but from the fact that her skin was changing color, while she shrank down, and her ears elongated to points. She looked enraged, and was whimpering like a struck crup.

She was once again mercifully covered, now with a ratty tea towel, and was shaking her head. Suddenly, her eyes widened, and she glared once more at Harry, grinning evilly as she rose her hand in the air, and started to snap her fingers. "Pansy be getting you, Harry Potter sir, and yours little elf too!" she cackled.

POP!

With a vicious backhand, Dobby had knocked Pansy across the room, and into the sooty fireplace.

"Holy shit Dobby! What was that!" asked a shocked Harry, although part of him had enjoyed seeing Pansy bitchslapped into next week, he had always had a problem with violence against women. He noticed Pansy stumbling out of the fireplace, covered in soot, and trying to get back to her feet.

"Sometimes, Dobby has to smack the bitches, Master Harry Potter sir!" explained a calm Dobby, examining the rings on his fingers.

"Bitches? As in more than one Dobby?" asked Harry.

"Oh yes, Master Harry Potters Grangy, she tolds Dobby elf how to deals with crazy bitches. They was too many, and Mistress Grangy was worried that they would hurts her Harry Potter! So Mistress Grangy told Dobby to takes care of them, so's Dobby did!" said the happy elf.

Harry groaned, "And how exactly did she do that Dobby?"

"Mistress Grangy made Dobby watch Dolemite, and tolds Dobby to start dealing with cassh!" replied the grinning elf.

"Cash?" asked Harry.

"C.A.S.S.H. Crazy Ass Sluts Stalking Harry." said Dobby with a smile.

"Merlin. I love that witch, but what the hell is the deal with her and acronyms?" groaned Harry. "And how are you supposed to do that Dobby?" asked Harry.

"Dobby is turning them into elves, Master Harry Potter sir. Then Dobby Elf puts the bitches to work!" grinned the elf.

Meanwhile, Pansy had grabbed the fireplace poker from the stand near the fireplace, and was about to brain Dobby with it. Harry saw her out of the corner of his eye, and started to warn Dobby.

Dobby merely arched an eyebrow, snarled and spun.

POP!

And Pansy went flying through the air, arse over teakettle, crashing into a couch and overturning it.

Harry winced, and asked "Dobby, do you have to hit her quite so hard?"

"Oh, Dobby is always having to punish bitches for something, sir. They lets Dobby gets on with it, sir. Sometimes they reminds me to do extra punishments, they do..." said the evilly grinning house elf.

"Huh. Well, certain witches I know seem to like getting spanked, so who am I to judge, Merlin knows I was getting excited about the thought of ironing my ears when I was stuck in elf form earlier." mused Harry.

"Dobby elf finds the crazier the bitch, the more she likes the smackses" nodded Dobby with a serious face.

"Fine then, so what happens to Pansy now?" asked Harry. "More importantly, just how many times have you done this?"

"Oh Dobby has a fine stable of bitches now. Dobby has Pansy, Trixies, Skeety, and Cissy elves. Dobby works them hard, and keeps them outs of troubles now." replied the elf.

"Hermione is ok with this? Are the bitches...err... elves paid or something?" asked Harry warily.

"Bitches is not paid, Master Harry Potter!" said the shocked house elf. "No, no, no. Dobby says to Bitches, Dobby says, go find yourself a nice family and earn me some money, Bitches! They is getting up to all sorts of high jinks, sir, what is unbecoming to a bitch. You goes racketing around like this, Bitches, Dobby says, and next thing Dobby hear you's up in front of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, like some common goblin."

Harry facepalmed.

"Well at least she's off freeing all the elves, now." smirked Harry. "Alright, well you take good care of the elves...bitches Dobby. I am going to go have words with a certain bushy haired witch."

Harry shook the elfs' hand, and handed him back his Pimp Goblet. He then straightened out his costume, and headed towards the door. Finding it locked, he growled, and placing his palms upon it, proceeded to transfigure the door into a sheet of paper, which he crumbled up and threw at Pansy.

Turning back around he saw a cluster of witches who all had their wands drawn, several of which were smoking, as he noticed the surrounding entrance was heavily charred and missing chunks of stone.

He raised an eyebrow, and suddenly had his arms full of crying, bushy haired witch.

"Oh Harry! Are you alright! I don't know what happened! You disappeared, the board started going haywire, and we couldn't get into the room. What did that whore do to you!" weeped Hermione.

Harry rolled his eyes, and proceeded to sooth the distraught witch. Obviously, she had not expected anything like this, and was terrified. "I'm fine, Hermione. Dobby saved me and added Pansy to his "Stable" I believe." whispered Harry, as he ran his hands through her hair,trying to calm her down. He still had plans for Hermione, but this experience was not something she had planned after all.

After a few moments, she sniffled, and straightened. She cast a cleaning charm on Harry's wet costume, and said "I need to find out what happened Harry, I want you to stay with someone I trust while I figure out how this occurred. Unless. Unless you want me to stop this." She looked into his eyes with her own watery chocolate brown ones, and Harry sighed.

"You promise this is for a good cause?" he asked warily.

"Absolutely! The most important cause ever Harry!" said Hermione, bouncing on the balls of her feet.

"Damnit, stop that! You know what it does to me you minx!" growled Harry.

"And you know what that growl does to me, Mister Potter!" purred Hermione.

"Fine, fine, throw me back in the briar patch Miss Hermione!" laughed Harry.

"Alright then!" laughed Hermione, as she nodded to someone over his shoulder.

Harry spun around and saw a vision.

Wearing laced up hiking boots with thick wool socks, a pair of wand holsters strapped to her thighs, a miniscule pair of khaki shorts, and a straining baby blue sleeveless top, stood Fleur Delacour, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a pair of dark sunglasses perched on her adorable nose.

"Care for some 'omb Raiding, 'Arry?"

A/N- um. yeah. Don't ask me where the hell that all came from. Thanks to Keronshara for the help with the elf speak! And thanks to everyone else for the feedback. Next chapter should be much more fun and smutty. I figure I have to do something to make up for this one. :)

Let me know what you think, and if I should change anything or tone it down. Remember this is obviously a cracky! AU, so no comments about how anyone is dead or such!

As long as the site stays up, I will keep posting here, but I will be posting first over at fanfiction dot net.