FicWad

Silas P Benzedrine was exhausted, as was the whole of Carousel, but for different reasons. Not commenting on the fact that he knew the reason why no one at all had managed to get any sleep at all the previous night, The Guv'nor had pronounced a holiday allowing people to at least rest and recuperate if not sleep. No, there would be no sleep available for at least a few hours yet. The Guv'nor had dispatched Donnie to the Dream World, with sufficient powers to grant dreamless sleep to everyone that wanted or needed it. There were strict instructions and procedures to follow and Donnie would be the first to admit that he was nervous about taking on the role, even temporarily. There were so many checks to perform to make sure that people only slept where and when it was safe to do so. The Guv'nor understood Donnie's concerns, it was good that he was concerned - overconfidence was more likely to cause mistakes than underconfidence. But he reassured him. He trusted him. But, to ease the pressure on him, he had also arranged for Mr Sandman's Chief Weaver and Chief Spinner to be available to assist him.

That just left Benzedrine, exhausted and drained, emotionally rather than physically. That was much harder to deal with. Knocking on the door of his office at the hospital, The Guv'nor waited patiently for a reply but on receiving none, tried the handle anyway. Inside, Benzedrine sat on the wide window seat, his knees drawn up near his chest. Not even turning when the door opened, he continued to gaze vacantly out of the window. Focussing on nothing, he had been reflecting silently on recent and some not so recent events. His father noted that he had showered and changed, but something seemed wrong. The normally immaculately dressed man was much more casually attired than usual, almost as if it had been too much of an effort. His hat rested on his desk and his tailcoat was draped over the back of his chair. This in itself didn't seem too unusual, but his waistcoat fell unbuttoned, his bow tie was nowhere to be seen and the top button of his shirt was unfastened. Perhaps the most telling sign that something was wrong was the lack of make up anywhere on Benzedrine's normally artificially pale face.

“Silas?” The Guv'nor opened.
“What?” Benzedrine asked quietly without even turning, leaving his unfocussed eyes resting on the middle distance somewhere beyond the fairground rides.
“Silas,” The Guv'nor repeated, this time with more insistence.
“I said `what'?” Benzedrine almost snapped, but his tone sounded mostly tired.
“I know you've been under a lot of strain lately, so I'm going to let that go, but I'm not leaving here until you talk to me.”
“I'm leaving The Hills,” Benzedrine announced firmly, still without looking away from the window.
“Leaving? I see,” The Guv'nor replied.

Benzedrine dropped his head forward so that his forehead rested on his knees, letting out a cry of frustration as he did.

“Nothing touches you, does it?” he yelled as, finally, he looked over at his father. Waiting a few moments, Benzedrine swung his legs off the window seat as he received no response. “You've kept me here all this time, looking after you, even though you've been cured of the hatred your Council infected you with years ago… decades ago! And now when I say I'm leaving all you can say is 'I see'!”
“What do you want me to say?” The Guv'nor asked evenly.
“What do I want? Are you serious? I want a real reaction! Something! Anything! I don't know… I guess I just expected you to care… even a little.”
“You want to know what I really think?”
“Oh, don't go to any trouble,” Benzedrine replied bitterly.

“Silas, my little boys grew up a long time ago and it was hard for me to accept that, much harder for me that it was for your mother, in fact. In many respects, your mother has had to deal with three boys. I haven't been the best husband and I certainly haven't been the best father, but none of it was out of malice. I've been very selfish. After Marcus went to the Dream World, I couldn't lose you too. I worked hard to make you feel guilty enough to stay, and stay close at that. When I became ill, I needed you more than I ever have and we grew closer than we ever had. You saved my life, but that only made me need you more. I began to teach you how to take over from me because it was another way to keep you here. By rights, as the eldest, it should have been your brother, but he was never going to leave, he's not the travelling type. He barely wanted to go to the Dream World, but I knew he'd love it once he was there. But you, my dear, Silas, I have knowingly ruined all of your plans and dreams for my own selfish ends, all because I love you and can't bear to let you go. Now you tell me that you're leaving and I can only say `I see' because in my heart of hearts, I can't encourage you to go, but I can't ask you to stay again. I've hurt you enough.”

Benzedrine stood perfectly still, his mouth opened slightly in shock. It seemed a very long time that he stood, unmoving and unable to speak. He had never heard his father be so open and honest with him. It was a shock, but a welcome one. He had often wondered why his father had refused to let him leave and had always assumed the worst - imagining that he had no interest in his son's needs and considered them and him almost worthless compared with his own. Now to have this unreserved apology and confession was more than he could have hoped for. On some level, perhaps he knew? He had always loved his father and sought his affection and approval. Having had, he believed, neither for so many years, it was quite a shock to have it all handed to him so completely.

He didn't remember running, he didn't even remember starting to cry again but he would always remember the feel of his father's comforting arms wrapped around him and his voice telling him over and over that he loved him and how sorry he was for everything. For the first time in decades his family was reuniting. He was beginning to feel whole again.