FicWad

The sound of breaking glass from downstairs made me judder
I sat in the corner rocking back and fowards with my hands over my ears as hard as they could go
And my eyes screwed shut.

The darkness around me didnt bother me. Not one little bit, It was the fighting downstairs.
The raised voices of the people who were ment to love each other, My parents.

"YOUR NOTHING BUT A DIRTY LITTLE SLAPPER!"
"I am not!"
"COURSE YOU ARE, WHERE ELSE WHOULD FRANK GET IT FROM?!" I heard my parents screaming at eachother.

I hated it when I was involved.

I had Life Of Pain, Black Flag on repeat as loud as it could possiably go.
But some how the sounds of breaking things wouldn't even leave me alone in my own head.

My parents were allways like this coming down off drugs, I hate it... soo much, I just want to live in a loving and caring enviroment.
once they have another hit or what ever it is they have everything will be fine.

I pulled my pink pillow from my bed crying into it.

"Frank, Are you in here!" Said my Dad trying to stumble in the door.

Maybe if I get low enough he wont see me.

"Frank?" He switched on my light.

"Why did you not answer me? are you deaf or something?"
"..I-I'm sorry Da-"
"Shut the fuck up and hear what I have to say".

He scares me when hes like this.

"This is all your fault Frank, Everything"

I didn't get what he ment.
"What do you-"
"Don't be smart to me. You were the one who would come home every day and say 'I just want to be normal.. Go to a normal school' So we sent you to one.
Now you come home complaining you 'Have no friends, you get picked on for being different, You get beaten up' and all this other shit".

He came millimeters away from my face.

"THATS BECAUSE YOUR A FAGGOT FRANK. YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS... NO LIFE... AND NO ONE LOVES YOU!"
Could a father really say that to his only child?

"I have friends" I wimpered.
"no Frank, no you really dont. Pretend ones do NOT COUNT!!!"
"Well I'm sorry"
"What for.. Ruining me and your Moms lifes?"
"no... for wanting to be unique!!!" I screamed pushing past him.

I ran to the bathroom locking the door, turning the cold tap on and sitting in the shower.

"You cant hide in there for ever Frank" He screamed through the bathroom door.

I tried to block it out.
I tried my hardest to block it out, it just wasn't happening.

"You know Frank, You fucked up our lives" My mother called as well.

They both usualy gang up on me.

"I tried to tell your Mom to have an abortion, but she really wanted to give this parenting thing a go"
"We thought we did well, Untill you started listening to music, playing guitars, Your nothing but dissapointment to your Father and Me!" she called again.

I cried just sitting in my shower.
Once I found strength to stand up I took a good long hard look in the mirror. And hated what I was seeing,everything about me.

My weight, My Height. The way I dressed. How ugly I was, I smelt bad. I looked homeless.

I went into the cubboard taking Dads razor.
I've never tried this before.

I ran it over my wrist.
It burned. My teeth clenched as I dug it deeper and deeper.

The thoughts of my parents acception surrounded my head.
Causing me to do it again, and again and again.

I did it for everything I hated about myself.

For being raped by my Mom and Dad.
For being Fat.
For being ugly
For having no friends
For having no life
For being a problem
For not doing the right things
For not being something for my Mom and Dad to be proud of
For just being me in general.

"Frank...Frank.. you'll have to come out soon you know!"
"GO AWAY!"
"Or what you'll hate us, We can return that" I did it agian, and again.

I have a razorblade romance.
It relieves me of the things I hate.
it makes thing seem better. Like your hurting yourself for acceptance.

The way it trickles down your arm into your hand.
It surgers from the tiny little gap.
That you inflicted it your self.
That was my escape other than music.

I think my parents were passed out now.
I went to the door, still keeping my distance.

"Cunt face, Are you out there?"
nothing...

"Dad?"
....Still nothing.

I quietly turned off the shower.
And carefully opened the door.
I looked left then right to see my parents asleep in the hall.

I tiptoed to my room.
Taking my school bag and ramming everthing I possiably could into it.

I got both my guitars carefully putting them in their cases, Then I pushed the rest of my belongings into the cases.
I pulled my homophobia is gay top on, With a green top underneath and a Black Flag hoodie.
I quietly pulled on my jeans and gloves, Picked up my cases, invaded the pantry for anyfood I could find and left for the door.
Quietly pulling it shut.

"please dont wake up, Please dont wake up" I wispered walking out the door into the cold Jersey nights.

I walked up the street, The streetlights getting me every few seconds.
I had no idea where I was going but anywhere was better than at home with those druggies.