FicWad

It's finally finished.

Am I finally free? I have this nagging sense that I should be celebrating, rejoicing in triumph. But my heart is a deflated balloon in my chest. No one knows what happened, no one will believe me, no one will cry with me. A hollow victory. I should be smiling, but to see the facade so clearly on my face would destroy the last shred of strength I have left.

Fifty thousand tears I have cried, their tracks scaring my cheeks, a constant reminder of where I have been and for what... nothing. After all this time and nothing have changed. Nothing but me. I think it is this that frightens me the most, having finally escaped my cage, have just put myself into another?

Can I go back to who I was?

Knowing and seeing what I have?

Learning what I have leaned?

Will anyone notice the change in me?

Will it be obvious in my face?

Probably not.

To feel so old, yet remain the same, gives one a great sense of foreboding. I am so scared for the future. After so long, I never thought I would have one. Who am I to become? What makes me? The fundamentals of my life have be twisted and manipulated, will I ever be able to continue on the path I had originally begun? Dear Merlin, I hope so. Will they think it strange for me to...

My thoughts keep getting lost. The maze I constructed within my mind is losing integrity, I no longer know where each turn will lead, nor what lies around each bend. I am running around in the dark. My never ending maze is growing wild, it's creature turning savage. Nothing is as clear as it once was. The once mystical beings that live within the green walls, used to stun and awe me. Now they cause me to feel trepidation and fear. Around every turn, every bend I encounter something more twisted and uncomphrehendable them before. My thoughts.... they confuse me, nothing seems to fit, when I see what is meant to be a memory que I am at a lost as to what it is meant to connect to. I have all these thoughts, all these memories but I don't understand any of it. Will I ever get the answers back?

Only time will tell.... Time?

Minutes. Hours. Days. Months. Years. They have all pasted me by in a day and it all means nothing. It's as though I fell asleep, only to wake from an impossible dream. For it can only be impossible, can't it? Sometimes I fear I made it up, that my imagination was playing a horrible trick. But then I see... right before me so clear, so vivid. I can smell, I can touch, I can taste it. I feel it all again, as I did for all that time and I know with every fiber of my fragile being that a feeling such as that can be no trick. An imagination can not conjure up such jagged emotions, it plays with your mind, not your heart. Oh Merlin, I pray down on my knees that, that is true. That there is truth in my reason, for if there is not I fear I know nothing and everything I have believed in for so long has all been a lie.

I realise my thoughts make no sense, but I can find no other way to explain it so that it may come out logical, reasonable, believable. After time, I think I have grown accustomed to explaining things in a round about way so that nothing is truly revealed. A little trick I learned from someone. It's easier to get the information when the person opposite you is not asking unnecessary questions. After a while, there is no question you have not heard and not answered a thousand times before. You know every outcome, every turn of events. There is no point. Ironic as it may seem, you simply do not have time for it.

Ah time, there it is mentioned again.

I want to believe that the thing that carries me through is not just the crazy delusions of an old mind. I don't want the only thing I gained for this whole torment to be a lie.

I don't want to look back and realise ....

- - - N . E . S - - -

There it was again, he could feel it in his every muscle, that piercing heat on his skin. Like every time before he scanned the hall, searching for the source. But in a sea of eyes, none caught his. He could never find it no matter how long he searched, but for the last month he felt it always, watching him and his every move. It was unsettling, he had been taught to be wary of one's enemies, so he was wary but he was also intrigued. Who was this invisible foe? How were they evading him? Why were they watching him? What did they want? He wanted the answers, but deep down he knew it was not for the obvious reasons. He was curious. It maybe his one fault, though not many knew it he could not hide it from himself. Those concealed eyes drew something out of him, something that was filled with questions thirsty for answers.

Bowing his head, his hands resting in his hair, he closed his eyes. Simply feeling. It never wavered. He found himself laughing to himself at how comforting it felt to have someone always keeping watch over him. Constantly tuned into his every action, his every movement. His guardian angel. Oh how he wished to meet this creature. To look into those gazing eyes and see the soul that lay within them.

Crystal blue orbs glowed in the darkness before him. Sparkling with hints of light, reflecting the hidden source like a river, flowing freely in peace with its surroundings. It didn't seem possible, but it was beautiful and he couldn't help but smile. Could it be possible for these eyes to be real? Was his imagination going wild? Where had they come from? They were so vivid, as though he had seen them a thousand times over. He couldn't have dreamed them up, could he? How could his mind create such detail, such imagery from nothing?

A thunderclap echoed within the hall, violently wrenching him from his black abyss. The loud talk of everyone in the hall filled his ears, the hot air weighed down on his skin, the firey light from the candles met his eyes. All of this was real, he could sense that with everything inside of him, but in his mind those blue eyes seemed more real then all of it.

With a sigh, he gathered his bag, got to his feet, gave one last look around the hall, shook his head in resignation and simply left it all behind.