Categories > Books > Harry Potter > Dragon Fired Crackpipe Visions
1 Crumple Horned Snorkacks Field Manual
Crackfest Drabble Files. Crazy stuff that pops into my head from comments on the forums. Drabbles may be expanded or not.
?Blocked
In the slightly modified words of Sergeant Schultz from Hogan's Heroes (which I also don't own):
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
A/N: A few weeks after the final battle, everyone has been recovering, both from their injuries, and the inevitable hangovers from the celebration over defeating Voldemort. Harry is staying in the Room of Requirement to avoid the crowds, only letting his closest friends see him. Apologies in advance!
Crumple Horned Snorkacks Field Manual
"Harry?" asked Luna, playing with her food as they sat in the Great Hall.
"Yes, Luna?" replied Harry, after swallowing as a gentleman should.
"Would you like to help me hunt for a Snorkack this summer? Now that I am of age, my father has given me my mothers' field manual on the locating, capture, and care and upkeep of them! I'd love for you to help me find one!" said Luna.
"Well, I suppose I could. Ginny is off shagging Dean cross eyed, and Hermione is making Ron her assistant for SPEW, so I do have some free time..." pondered Harry.
"Excellent, although I really think Ronald's poor memory is going to hurt him on that one. He is expecting something entirely different there. Oh well. I am all packed and have a portkey for two. Grab your trunk and we can be off! Hurry, Hurry, Hurry! I only have a limited window of opportunity here!" rushed Luna.
"Wha? But! I didn't agree to" sputtered Harry.
As Luna applied the pitiful puppy dog eyes of guilt and compliance, Harry knew he was outmatched.
"Right, Snorkack hunting it is then. Let me grab my things and we can be off." sighed Harry.
As Harry was headed to the Room of Requirement, a significant change in the current and future order of things was about to occur.
Hermione was sitting at Ron's desk, writing notes about her plans for SPEW, and how they were going to change the world.
"I'm ever so glad you decided to help me Ron! No one else was interested in being a part of SPEW on my behalf" gushed Hermione, writing furiously.
"Right, right! Spew and you! Glad to help!" grunted Ron, as he stuck the sticky copies of Quidditch and Playwizard, as well as several dubiously crusty socks under the mattress. He quickly cast a few air freshening charms, trying to cover the pervasive musty odors of unwashed boy, stale food, and other less savory scents. He looked over to Hermione, who seemed to be reviewing last minute notes before their "meeting".
'Crazy bint tries to schedule everything! Once I get her panties off, I'll teach her the new meaning of fitting me in!' thought Ron with a lusty leer. He quickly shucked off his sweaty shirt and the jeans he had worn for the fifth time without washing. He pulled his skidmarked y fronts down and walked up behind Hermione, slowly stroking himself to attention.
SNIFF SNIFF "Goodness, it smells like a wet orangutan in here! Don't you boys ever clean in here?" asked Hermione, as she pinched her nose trying not to be sick. She turned to cast a freshening charm to rid the room of the horrendous odor that threatened to cause her to pass out.
In her defense, she was slightly distracted by her planning and thought the FAP-FAP-FAP she heard was Ron flipping pages in the reference material from the Wizarding Law book she had asked him to look through.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! There's a mangy, fat orange Wookie loose in the castle! Run Ron! Ruuun!" shrieked Hermione. She was unable to recognize Ron without his clothes on, as his body hair had thickened considerably more than average. Add in the fact he was hunched over with his face in a bizarre rictus of pleasure, and it was no wonder she thought Ron was some sort of beast. She grabbed the book off the desk and swung it at the hideous beast, hoping to stun it long enough to escape.
Unfortunately for Ron, several factors combined at that moment, all of which were not in his favor.
You see, Hermione had been carrying an ungodly amount of books for the past several years almost everywhere she went. While this had given Hermione a well sculpted body and a "cracking arse", it also led to Hermione being considerably stronger than the average witch. Combine this with the fact that the book she happened to grab was the most recent update to the Wizengamot laws, briefs, and addendums, which weighed in at a hefty 3 stone (approx 45 pounds) even with the featherlight charm on it. Hermione had also seen nearly every quidditch match Harry had played in, and had observed the masterful Beater technique of the Weasley twins. Also, due to Hermione's fear of large smelly creatures since her first year, she had a small accidental bout of magic which canceled out the featherlight charm at the moment of impact.
All of these led to the smelly, mangy wook...err Ron, being knocked head over heels and blasted face first into the back wall of the room. Hermione dropped the book and ran like her life depended on it.
"Oh dear sweet baby Merlin help me! Point me Harry Potter!" cried Hermione, thinking that the beast had eaten Ron (or that the cowardly bastard had run off to save himself), and that she had only narrowly escaped. She knew that the only person who she could trust to protect her was Harry.
Meanwhile, Harry had collected his meager belongings, stashed them in his now shrunken trunk, and headed back to the Great Hall to meet Luna. They were at the border of the wards to use the portkey when they heard an extremely out of breath Hermione come running towards them.
"Damn! Lusty idiot must have scared her off! Oh well, this could be interesting as well." grumbled Luna under her breath. "Goodness, she needs a better bra! She's going to give herself a black eye!"
"Huh? What did you say Luna?" said Harry, as he turned away from the amazing sight of Hermione in a full sprint towards him.
"Hmmmm, nothing Harry. You don't mind if we include Hermione as well? My mother had a special section in her manual for exactly this situation. I was going to try the easier sections first, but since she is here..."
"Uh, ok whatever you think is best LuWHOOOF!" Harry grunted as a bushy brown Harry seeking missle impacted on his recently healed ribs. This had the effect of knocking Luna over and all three ended up in a pile on the ground.
"HARRY! GreatbigsmellymangywookietriedtoattackmeandIhititwithabookandIthinkitate
Ronormaybehejustranoffagainbutyouhavetohelpme!" gasped Hermione.
"Wait? What the? Did you say a wookie? Are you..." gasped Harry, trying to overcome the lack of blood to his brain due to being underneath both Hermione and Luna, as well as the fact his ribs were about to crack like a wishbone at a Weasley Thanksgiving.
"Nevermind Harry, Portus!" exclaimed Luna, who had wrapped her arms around Hermione, and hooked her legs under Harry's. As the trio disappeared with the activated portkey, a naked, knobby kneed and wobbly Ron Weasley stumbled out of the Gryffindor dorms and began to wander about looking for Hermione.
A/N: Sorry for the naked wookie! Ron image, but Hermione was determined to not be left behind. What can I say? She is a greedy little witch, and feels she suffered enough under JKR. :)
"I own nothing, I hear nothing, I see nothing, I know nothing! Nothing!"
A/N: A few weeks after the final battle, everyone has been recovering, both from their injuries, and the inevitable hangovers from the celebration over defeating Voldemort. Harry is staying in the Room of Requirement to avoid the crowds, only letting his closest friends see him. Apologies in advance!
Crumple Horned Snorkacks Field Manual
"Harry?" asked Luna, playing with her food as they sat in the Great Hall.
"Yes, Luna?" replied Harry, after swallowing as a gentleman should.
"Would you like to help me hunt for a Snorkack this summer? Now that I am of age, my father has given me my mothers' field manual on the locating, capture, and care and upkeep of them! I'd love for you to help me find one!" said Luna.
"Well, I suppose I could. Ginny is off shagging Dean cross eyed, and Hermione is making Ron her assistant for SPEW, so I do have some free time..." pondered Harry.
"Excellent, although I really think Ronald's poor memory is going to hurt him on that one. He is expecting something entirely different there. Oh well. I am all packed and have a portkey for two. Grab your trunk and we can be off! Hurry, Hurry, Hurry! I only have a limited window of opportunity here!" rushed Luna.
"Wha? But! I didn't agree to" sputtered Harry.
As Luna applied the pitiful puppy dog eyes of guilt and compliance, Harry knew he was outmatched.
"Right, Snorkack hunting it is then. Let me grab my things and we can be off." sighed Harry.
As Harry was headed to the Room of Requirement, a significant change in the current and future order of things was about to occur.
Hermione was sitting at Ron's desk, writing notes about her plans for SPEW, and how they were going to change the world.
"I'm ever so glad you decided to help me Ron! No one else was interested in being a part of SPEW on my behalf" gushed Hermione, writing furiously.
"Right, right! Spew and you! Glad to help!" grunted Ron, as he stuck the sticky copies of Quidditch and Playwizard, as well as several dubiously crusty socks under the mattress. He quickly cast a few air freshening charms, trying to cover the pervasive musty odors of unwashed boy, stale food, and other less savory scents. He looked over to Hermione, who seemed to be reviewing last minute notes before their "meeting".
'Crazy bint tries to schedule everything! Once I get her panties off, I'll teach her the new meaning of fitting me in!' thought Ron with a lusty leer. He quickly shucked off his sweaty shirt and the jeans he had worn for the fifth time without washing. He pulled his skidmarked y fronts down and walked up behind Hermione, slowly stroking himself to attention.
SNIFF SNIFF "Goodness, it smells like a wet orangutan in here! Don't you boys ever clean in here?" asked Hermione, as she pinched her nose trying not to be sick. She turned to cast a freshening charm to rid the room of the horrendous odor that threatened to cause her to pass out.
In her defense, she was slightly distracted by her planning and thought the FAP-FAP-FAP she heard was Ron flipping pages in the reference material from the Wizarding Law book she had asked him to look through.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! There's a mangy, fat orange Wookie loose in the castle! Run Ron! Ruuun!" shrieked Hermione. She was unable to recognize Ron without his clothes on, as his body hair had thickened considerably more than average. Add in the fact he was hunched over with his face in a bizarre rictus of pleasure, and it was no wonder she thought Ron was some sort of beast. She grabbed the book off the desk and swung it at the hideous beast, hoping to stun it long enough to escape.
Unfortunately for Ron, several factors combined at that moment, all of which were not in his favor.
You see, Hermione had been carrying an ungodly amount of books for the past several years almost everywhere she went. While this had given Hermione a well sculpted body and a "cracking arse", it also led to Hermione being considerably stronger than the average witch. Combine this with the fact that the book she happened to grab was the most recent update to the Wizengamot laws, briefs, and addendums, which weighed in at a hefty 3 stone (approx 45 pounds) even with the featherlight charm on it. Hermione had also seen nearly every quidditch match Harry had played in, and had observed the masterful Beater technique of the Weasley twins. Also, due to Hermione's fear of large smelly creatures since her first year, she had a small accidental bout of magic which canceled out the featherlight charm at the moment of impact.
All of these led to the smelly, mangy wook...err Ron, being knocked head over heels and blasted face first into the back wall of the room. Hermione dropped the book and ran like her life depended on it.
"Oh dear sweet baby Merlin help me! Point me Harry Potter!" cried Hermione, thinking that the beast had eaten Ron (or that the cowardly bastard had run off to save himself), and that she had only narrowly escaped. She knew that the only person who she could trust to protect her was Harry.
Meanwhile, Harry had collected his meager belongings, stashed them in his now shrunken trunk, and headed back to the Great Hall to meet Luna. They were at the border of the wards to use the portkey when they heard an extremely out of breath Hermione come running towards them.
"Damn! Lusty idiot must have scared her off! Oh well, this could be interesting as well." grumbled Luna under her breath. "Goodness, she needs a better bra! She's going to give herself a black eye!"
"Huh? What did you say Luna?" said Harry, as he turned away from the amazing sight of Hermione in a full sprint towards him.
"Hmmmm, nothing Harry. You don't mind if we include Hermione as well? My mother had a special section in her manual for exactly this situation. I was going to try the easier sections first, but since she is here..."
"Uh, ok whatever you think is best LuWHOOOF!" Harry grunted as a bushy brown Harry seeking missle impacted on his recently healed ribs. This had the effect of knocking Luna over and all three ended up in a pile on the ground.
"HARRY! GreatbigsmellymangywookietriedtoattackmeandIhititwithabookandIthinkitate
Ronormaybehejustranoffagainbutyouhavetohelpme!" gasped Hermione.
"Wait? What the? Did you say a wookie? Are you..." gasped Harry, trying to overcome the lack of blood to his brain due to being underneath both Hermione and Luna, as well as the fact his ribs were about to crack like a wishbone at a Weasley Thanksgiving.
"Nevermind Harry, Portus!" exclaimed Luna, who had wrapped her arms around Hermione, and hooked her legs under Harry's. As the trio disappeared with the activated portkey, a naked, knobby kneed and wobbly Ron Weasley stumbled out of the Gryffindor dorms and began to wander about looking for Hermione.
A/N: Sorry for the naked wookie! Ron image, but Hermione was determined to not be left behind. What can I say? She is a greedy little witch, and feels she suffered enough under JKR. :)
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