FicWad

This came about from a discussion of how the Horcrux in Harry could not have made it over at CaerAzkaban on Yahoo. I know, I know, stop bashing the gingers!

But it's just so much fun!
I put the specific line in there in italics so you have some idea where the idea came from. Since the posters don't want to be blamed for this I am taking out their names.

I didn't think that Quirrelmort burning was because the blood protection had an offensive measures to protect Harry (i.e. Harry is in danger, must attack the enemy). I thought that Quirrelmort burned because something so evil could not be in contact with Harry.

Part 1

"I know Harry, you've been waiting so long for this moment. Finally we are married, and once we consummate the marriage, we'll be together for ever and ever and ever!" gushed Ginny Potter, as she crawled on top of her husband.

Harry was in sad shape, highly inebriated, and severely depressed. He had planned on pursuing Hermione, after finally realizing that he was an idiot, and that he loved her. Then he saw her kiss that damn carrot topped bastard. He also saw how everyone was pairing up left and right. At the rate they were going, he would end up with Parkinson or Bulstrode. After half a bottle of firewhiskey from Ginny, he remembered the Marauder's Map and figured if a ginger was good enough for Hermione, what the hell?

So he had tracked Ginny down and drunkenly proposed to her through the door of the classroom she was in. The door had burst open, and Harry thought for a moment that he must have been outside one of the restrooms, otherwise why would Ginny be straightening her skirt so frantically? The next thing he knew he was pushed into the adjacent deserted classroom, shoved to the floor, and efficiently stripped.

He bit his tongue, both literally and figuratively as he felt the intoxication began to slough off. He could literally feel the magic humming in his body. 'Maybe we are going to fast here?' thought Harry, as Ginny threw her uniform to the floor. His stomach churned, and he thought maybe he shouldn't have drank so much. The fact that Ginny's pale body seemed to be blindingly white was making him squint, which meant he did not notice the green nimbus of energy that suddenly flared into existence around his naked body.

Ginny however did, and as her hair floated on the currents of magic swirling in the room, she was ecstatic. "Oh Harry! Your magic is responding to me! We're forming a soooouuuuul bond!" She clapped giddily, and rubbed her hands together. She straddled Harry and began to sink down on him.

Just before she managed to mount Harry, he reached up and grabbed her by the hips. "Ginny! Shouldn't we take this slow? I've heard a girl's first time can be rather...painful?" asked a concerned Harry.

"Pish, Posh Mr. Potter! Don't worry your adorable little head! Magic will take care of everything! Now while your hands feel nice and toasty warm on my hips, why don't you put them some where a little higher up. Look, I'm all cold up top!" giggled a smirking Ginny. After all, the girl wasn't really lying. Magic had taken care of that little annoyance after her first time with that Ravenclaw back during her fourth year. With that she gave a quick twist, and slid through Harry's hands and down onto his penis.

Ginny gave a "whoof!" as she realized he was much larger than she was used to. Still, he seemed to be burning up all of the sudden. This looked like it would be fun!

Harry was in shock with his eyes closed. 'No wonder the boy's were all so focused on this! Quidditch was nice and all, but this was amazing! It was wet and tight, and warm...well, come to think of it, it was actually rather hot...you know, this is starting to feel a little uncomfortable?

'What the bloody hell! That burns!'

'I'd read about the witches privates referred to as a steamy cauldron in some of those Parchment Perversions I filched from Hermione's stash during the time in the tent, but this was ridiculous!' thought a panicked Harry.

He froze, unsure of how to deal with the pain he was feeling in his most precious body part.

'Was this all part of some insane bonding ceremony?' wondered Harry. Suddenly he heard what sounded disturbingly like sizzling. 'Was that bacon I just smelled?' thought Harry.

With that Harry popped his eyes open, and saw a sight that justified Obliviation.

Ginny Weasley was astride Harry Potter, and her crotch was literally on fire!

"Bugger this!" shouted Harry as he once more grabbed Ginny by her twitching hips, and proceeded to throw her off and to the side. He grabbed his one true friend, and closely inspected him. Other than some redness and rapidly drying stickiness, everything seemed fine. He looked over at Ginny, who was convulsing on the floor, moaning "Harry! Harry! Soooo hot!!"

Well, she seemed fine, well no more mentally damaged than normal at any rate. Harry grabbed the shredded remains of his clothes, and shook his head in frustration. He grabbed his mostly intact robe and threw it over his head. The fasteners were torn at the top, but at least his todger was covered and somewhat protected. He knew two things.

1. Their was a trip to St. Mungos in his very near future, and hopefully they could cure whatever the hell STD he had just gotten from Ginny.

2. He was going to find Hermione, and get her help at least one last time. Not to mention this could be hereditary! He had always heard comments about redheads and firecrotches, but once again the wizarding world had put proof to the old wive's tales. There was no way he wanted Hermione to be subjected to the horrors he had just experienced!

A/N I thought about killing off Ginny, but then I decided I would probably turn this into a fic. Another part is below. This could be a fun ride.

The Next bit came about from this...

So a magical voice recognition/security system is LESS accurate than a technical one????

Well, considering it's about a thousand years old and unlikely to be made by somebody who had a real in-depth knowledge of magical linguistics, I'd say yes. Plus, there's no real reason to assume he create a totally new voice recognition spell instead of plundering something already known and available (and thus most likely to be designed for recognising words in human/humanoid languages). So it misses out on a language component not known to exist at that time and only works with the part of it produced by the human mouth, a minor subset. And only obscurity and the lack of systematic experimentation hid it as long as it did.

And (this is the part of it I like most) it avoid the "Ron the super parselmouth" issue by having him merely lucky in being able to parrot some sounds correctly.

Omake 2

"Hurry up Mione! I want to get back down there! There was something I really wanted to show you now that we have time!" exclaimed Ron, dragging a protesting Hermione along towards Myrtle's bathroom.

"Honestly Ron! You know I hate that nickname! Besides, shouldn't we wait for Harry? I really think we shouldn't be messing around with some thousand year old charm that was used to protect Salazar Slytherin's private Chamber of Secrets! We may have just gotten lucky the first time! I mean, your brother is always talking about all of the traps and such he has to deal with as a cursebreaker, somehow I think someone like Slytherin would have set up things to keep people out of his affairs more than just hissing "Open" at the doors!" groused Hermione, trying to think of how to get out of this, and break up with the crazy ginger at the same time.

'Really! You would think he would have learned proper hygiene with all of the nagging I have done over the years! Kissing him was like having a rotten calf tongue smeared with cheese sauce and malt vinegar shoved in my mouth. Harry has obviously learned, he always has such nice minty fresh breath. Why, he even made sure to keep up his brushing when we were on the hunt. For that matter, he always would bring back my favorite toothpaste whenever it was his turn to get supplies. Such a thoughtful, caring, sexy...wait! Where did that come from? I mean, sure I peeked occasionally while he was changing, and when he came back from that frozen pond all so soaking wet and shivering, well, if that's what he looks like when he's cold...' pondered a thoroughly distracted Hermione.

So distracted, she failed to notice she had been drug into the bathroom of Myrtle.

"C'mon Mione, let's go down to the Chamber, let's see now. How did it go? It was like a long hiss followed by two shorts maybe?" mumbled Ron.

Hermione felt a spectacular blush bloom across her face, as she realized where she had been dragged. She huffed, wishing she had stayed in that nice day dream at least a few minutes more. 'After all, once she had those wet clothes off of Harry, she did know the best method of preventing hypothermia and frostbite was sharing body warmth, and...What the bloody hell was that ginger moron doing just hissing away over there about! He was ruining a perfectly good daydream yet again!' thought Hermione.

"Honestly Ron, hold on a second! If you are so determined, at least let me set up a recording charm and a auto dictation quill, so we can see what does and doesn't work. I have to admit, I am quite curious if it would be possible to have a written version of the..." said Hermione, as she said the Recording charm, while setting up the quill on a spare piece of parchment to transcribe everything.

"hisssshiiiisss Nope, that didn't work either, let's see, shissssss damn! Oh wait, I remember it started with more of the hi sound! Here we go now! hissssshis" hissed a frustrated Ron.

Suddenly the snake he had been hissing at started to move, and there was a grating of stone on stone.

"There! See Mione! I told you I could do it, old Potter is not the only one who can do amazing things. Ron Weasley is quite the hero today, isn't he? Huh. That's odd. I don't remember the snake looking at me before. Why is it opening it's mouth and hissing at me?" said Ron in a suddenly concerned voice.

Hermione had a bad feeling about this, and began inching away from Ron, who was staring glassy eyed at the serpent that had risen from the sink and was slowly swaying back and forth. She saw the snake rear back and her eyes widened in fear. It was about to attack! "Ron! Run!" screamed Hermione as she fell on her rump, and quickly flipped and began scrambling towards the door. There was a loud grinding noise, and suddenly it was still.

EEP! squealed a suddenly quiet Ron.

"Mione? Help please! Say something so it will let go of me! It burns! Spell it off please!" whimpered a shaking Ron.

Hermione shook her head. 'Foolish prat! She had warned him that they should wait for Harry, but Noooo!! Mr Impatient has to run off and not listen to anyone again!' thought Hermione, as she scowled and drew her wand.

She slowly moved from behind Ron to the right side of both him and the sink. What she saw made her knees weak, and she nearly swooned.

The snake from the sink had grown dramatically, stretched out across the distance separating it from Ron, and had attacked the closest point to it. Ron's growth spurt had put him into an extremely bad position. While the snake would have struck both Harry and Hermione approximately in the stomach, well, it struck decidedly lower on Ron.

Ron's face was paler than at any point she had ever seen him. The snake appeared to have struck directly in his crotch. He was shivering, and whimpering, and there was a dark stain spreading from around the snake's mouth.

Hermione was in a quandary. The snake did not appear to be attacking any further, merely content to keep Ron in place. She cast a quick diagnostic charm, and could see that the runes carved on the snake were not something she would attempt to overcome without the help of an experienced curse breaker. It appeared this was merely the lowest setting on it's active defense system. This was merely the 'detain' setting it seemed.

Hermione frowned. But then why was Ron bleeding so profusely? Judging by the blood flow, he was in serious danger, it appeared that the blood would start pooling on the floor at any moment.

"Mione! It hurts! There is this awful burning, and I...I...I... think you need to suck out the poison!" whimpered a pitiful Ron.

Hermione whipped her head back as if slapped!

She was somewhat nauseated, thinking if his dental hygiene was so bad, how awful would his sanitary methods be for down there! Still, he was one of her best friends. She shivered in revulsion.

'Just think of it like Polyjuice potion! Surely it can't be that bad!' thought Hermione, desperately thinking of any alternative. Surely the defense system did not poison it's victims on such a low setting? With a bit of renewed hope, she cast a diagnosis spell on Ron, hoping to see how bad the damage was.

Hermione blinked.

Then she narrowed her eyes, as her mouth set in a thin white line that would have done Minerva McGonagall proud.

'That cowardly, insufferable, depraved, miserable bastard of a wizard! He's not poisoned! Much less even bit! He's merely pissed himself, and by the smell shat himself as well! Not to mention the snake barely has anything to bite in the first place. As for the burning? Well, it appears Mister Faithful Virgin boyfriend has a raging case of gonorrhea, and what appears to be genital firecrabs!' raged Hermione.

She crossed her arms, tapping the wand on her bottom lip as several possible outcomes ran through her mind.

She shook her head. No use being distracted now!

"Ronnnn, I don't think I can help you, just don't do anything stupid, and I'll be back with Madam Pomfrey or Harry in just a second." cooed Hermione in an overly sweet, saccharine voice. With that, she spun on her heel, and started to stalk off to find Harry. The idiot could wait for all she cared. She frowned and paused.

With a backwards glance, she shook her head. The idiot was poking the stone snakes' head with his wand!

"Petrificus Totalus! Stupefy!" growled Hermione.

With a self satisfied huff, she began her search.

A/N- Yeah, this has already grown on me considerably. I always thought it was stupid that Ron just went hissing at what was a fairly powerful piece of magic. If I am making a Hidden Chamber of Secrets, you can bet your arse, it will be more than just "Open!" to get in there. And if you screw up?Well. Let's just say Ron only got a taste. Or should that be the snake?

This will probably turn into a long one shot, or part of a larger story. I think I have figured out a way to write things out in parseltongue, and that is actually logical.