Categories > Games > Metal Gear Solid > Metal Gear Hollow

Metal Gear Hollow

by adariandreamer 1 review

When terrorists threaten to drop a water balloon on the white house unless their unreasonable demands are met, the government sends in Solid Snake to take care of business.

Category: Metal Gear Solid - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Action/Adventure, Humor, Parody - Warnings: [!!] [V] - Published: 2006-04-22 - Updated: 2006-04-22 - 3756 words - Complete

METAL GEAR HOLLOW: Tactical Espionage Stupidity
By Adarian Dreamer

Warning: Reading the following parody of Metal Gear Solid is like taking a drug in that it may induce side effects such as attention deficit disorder, mental retardation, insanity, and most commonly, a decrease in IQ. Viewer discretion is advised. And oh yeah, my disclaimer - Metal Gear Solid belongs to Konami and Hideo Kojima, who will be suing me if they ever read this. And on a final note, I know there is no detail in the script, but that's kind of the point...

The opening scene has Solid Snake swimming around in a child's ten-inch backyard pool.

SNAKE: Colonel, can you hear me?
COLONEL CAMPBELL: Standing three feet away from Snake Yeah
SNAKE: How does talking in a paper cup allow a person to talk from longer distances?
COLONEL CAMPBELL: Beats the heck out of me. But just try to stop the terrorists from dropping a water balloon on the white house. They demanded two cents but the government was too cheap to give in.
SNAKE: Hey Genome Soldier, could I see that machine gun of yours?
SNAKE: Takes gun and kills all the Genome Soldiers and gets in the elevator.
COLONEL CAMPBELL: Still standing three feet away Now you are going to have to get in the air vent.
SNAKE: Hey, how did you get here?
COLONEL CAMPBELL: The stairs, they were unguarded.
SNAKE: Why the hell didn't you tell me that?
COLONEL CAMPBELL: I'm supposed to keep things from you.

Snake jumped in the air vent then received a call on his codec.

LIQUID SNAKE disguised as MASTER MILLER: Hello, Snake
SNAKE: Master? No, it's Liquid!
LIQUID: WHAT? How the hell did you know?
SNAKE: Master would never wear those hideous sunglasses.
LIQUID: You can see through the codec?
SNAKE: Yeah, I think... I can also do this. Pulls out SOCOM and starts shooting Liquid through the codec screen
LIQUID: Hey I can't die yet. Runs away

Snake drops down from the vent then and takes the elevator.

SNAKE: Damn! The elevator music is getting on my nerves. Pulls out SOCOM and blasts the radio That's better. Now, I gotta find the DARPA Chief.

Snake dropped from the air vent into the cell the DARPA Chief was.

DECOY OCTOPUS disguised as DARPA CHIEF: Who the hell are you?
SNAKE: You're Donald Ander- wait you're Decoy Octopus!
DECOY OCTOPUS: Shit! I knew I needed more than a fake mustache.
SNAKE: The DARPA Chief doesn't even have a mustache, you idiot!
DECOY OCTOPUS: Oh, whoops.
SNAKE: Yeah... so uh, is it possible for the terrorists to launch the water balloon?
DECOY OCTOPUS: No, they're just a bunch of idiots.
SNAKE: Really? How come you're telling me?
DECOY OCTOPUS: Because I'm an them
SNAKE: ...
SNAKE: Foxdie? Isn't it a little early to find out that?
DECOY OCTOPUS: No, because it turns people into....BARNEY!!!
The music that plays when you fight a boss starts playing
Snake pulls out the SOCOM and shoots the living crap out of Barney. Then he pulls out his Codec.
SNAKE: NAOMI!! What the heck happened?
NAOMI: HAHAHA- er I mean he kinda had a heart attack.
NAOMI: Shut up and do your mission.
SNAKE: swearing under his breath
SNAKE: Mei Ling save the damn game.
MEI LING: Not until, you sing the Barney song, Snake.
SNAKE: ... Go kill yourself, please.

Snake walks out then Meryl pulls a gun on him.

SNAKE: Get that gun out of my face you fool!
MERYL: I am a rookie
SNAKE: Oookay

Twenty Genome Soldiers come in randomly.

SNAKE: Pulls out his SOCOMDIE!!!kills all the soldiers
MERYL: Thanks for the help.
SNAKE: Why the hell are you walking like that?
MERYL: Because I'm an idiot
SNAKE: I gotta get out of this nuthouse.

Snake goes to B2, then gets a call.

CAMPBELL: There are holes in the walls that you need to go through to reach the Armstech President.
NAOMI: You can hit them and hear nothing and they should look like they're invisible.
SNAKE: Walks through the hole in the wall and finds Revolver Ocelot and Kenneth Baker, the Armstech President
OCELOT: So it's Snake! Hmmmm... DRAW!!
SNAKE: Pulls out pen and paper then draws a page of manga
OCELOT: WOW! You're just like the boss said.
NINJA: Comes in wearing stealth camo (a white blanket over his head)
BAKER: Stealth Camouflage?
NINJA: Bangs a plastic sword on Ocelot's wrist.
OCELOT: What the hell do you think you're doing?
NINJA: I am trying to cut your hand off.
OCELOT: We'll meet again Snake! runs off
SNAKE: Pulls out SOCOM Who are you?
NINJA: I am like you, I have to get out of this nuthouse.runs off
SNAKE: Baker, can you talk?
BAKER: Yeah, but what do you want?
SNAKE: Do you have a security card or something?
BAKER: A level 2hands Snake a level 2 card
SNAKE: Do they have your code?
BAKER: Yeah...I...talked
SNAKE: You fool, what the hell did they do to you anyway?
BAKER: They made me watch an episode of Barney and threw water balloons at me.
SNAKE: ...
BAKER: Those Pentagon bastards, they went and did it! Suddenly collapses
SNAKE: DAMN!! NOT FOXDIE AGAIN!!!!!! Pulls out SOCOM and blasts Barney then pulls out codec
SNAKE: NAOMI, you traitor you injected me with Foxdie!
NAOMI: Snake, didn't you know that being turned into Barney is the resultant of an excess of a chemical called Carbonicelectronate....foxdiat...ius-
SNAKE: Breaks codec Now I can get some real work done. Steps outside then is hit by a landmine DAMN! Why did I break the codec? Deepthroat would have warned me!

Just then a tank came with Vulcan Raven in there.

RAVEN: This is raven territory!
SNAKE: Who the heck do you think you are, The Baltimore Ravens?
RAVEN: EAT THIS!!Fires Tank's main gun
SNAKE: Jumps on top of the gun and throws gernades in the hatch

A Genome Soldier goes flying.

SNAKE: I need your card.
SOLDIER: Okay you can have it but get back to me by Tuesday okay?
SNAKE: Ummm.... yeah if I remember.opens doorDamn! They closed the door all the way! How am I going to crawl through?puts down a C4 and explodes it opening the door
SOLDIER: What was that noise?
SNAKE: Nothing
SOLDIER: Oh, okay.
SNAKE: Gets in the elevator Damn elevator music! Pulls out FAMAS and blasts the radio
SNAKE: Hmmmmmm..... the scientist Hal Emmerich is here put the room is filled with gas and the floor is electrified.fixes codec then calls Deepthroat
DEEPTHROAT: Hey, how did you know my frequency?
SNAKE: Uh, yeah...... so how do I destroy the power switch?
DEEPTHROAT: You need a remote controlled car
SNAKE: WHAT? Okay here it goes. drives RC car into the switch and it explodes.OOOOOkaywalks into the room to find dead soldiers.
GENOME SOLDIER: It's a ghost a ghost!!
SNAKE: What? It looks like they were shot to death.walks in the room and finds Otacon and Ninja
NINJA: You die now!cocks gun
SNAKE: Hey Ninja!
NINJA: What?
SNAKE: Let's fight!
NINJA: Okay, but only a fool doesn't trust his life in a weapon!fires gun
SNAKE: Gotta go with ya there.shoots FAMAS at Ninja
NINJA: AAHHH! I'm losing myself, I gotta get out of this nuthouse!!!!runs away
SNAKE:odd, wonder what Grey Fox would have said about him.
Codec rings
SNAKE: Jeez, Colonel you don't help me at all.hangs up
OTACON: Is he gone?
SNAKE: Yeah, I guess you can say that.
OTACON: Anyways the only reason I got into science is because I wanted to make giant robot like in the Japanese anime Gundam Wing and take over the world.
SNAKE: Oh, that's nice
OTACON: Here's a level 4 card
SNAKE: calls Meryl
MERYL: Snake I'm at-static
SNAKE: Something's wrong! I gotta go save Meryl.

Snake has to take the elevator to B1.

SNAKE: Elevator music again?! At least its only "The Best is Yet to Come"

The elevator then plays the next song which turns out to be the theme to Barney.

SNAKE: AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! fires stinger missiles at the radio

When Snake gets off the elevator he sees a soldier that walks just like Meryl.

SOLDIER: How are you gentlemen, all your base are belong to us. runs to the women's bathroom

When Snake goes into the women's bathroom Meryl pulls gun on him.

SNAKE: Did you run here to hide from me?
MERYL: No, I just had to pee.
SNAKE: Ooooooookay
MERYL: Let's get to the commander's room.

Meryl and Snake walk into the commander's room.

MERYL: AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!! My head hurts!
SNAKE: Well, there's some Aspirin in the back of the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building .... along with some cocaine... not that I'd know about that though.
MERYL: Points gun at Snake Do you like me?
SNAKE: Not really, why?
MANTIS: Appears behind Meryl I am Psycho Mantis and I have my own Psychic hotline!
SNAKE: fine, then tell me what will happen in the future
MANTIS: Hmmmmmm.....let's see. In the the future you will kill me!
SNAKE: Cool!pulls out FAMAS and blasts Mantis
MANTIS: Ow... dies
MERYL: Disappears to the other side of the cave
SNAKE: Hey how did you do that?
MERYL: Do what?
SNAKE: Now I have to put up with the dogs

Snake walks up to Meryl with dog bites all over him.

MERYL: Thought you were good with dogs
SNAKE: Just shut up!

Meryl then has a sniper rifle pointed at her.

SNAKE: Meryl, get down!
MERYL: starts dancing DDR style and all the bullets miss by inches but then one finally hits her
SNAKE: Not that kind of down! codec rings
OTACON: You will need a PSG1 to fight Wolf with. It in the-
SNAKE: I know, I know it's in the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building.
OTACON: Actually I was going to say right beside you.
SNAKE: Oh, okay thanks hangs up and grabs PSG1 as the codec rings again
CAMPBELL: You don't really need to use the PSG1. Just go up to Wolf and blast her with your FAMAS.
SNAKE: Okay hangs up, runs up to Wolf without getting hit and pulls out FAMAS
WOLF: No you can't!
SNAKE: Oh and why not?
WOLF: It would ruin the challenge!
SNAKE: Lame excuse!fires FAMAS

Just then two guards come in.

SNAKE: Why should I? You have low IQs.
GUARD: Because that's how the game goes.
SNAKE: Damn you, Hideo Kojima!

Snake is somehow captured and taken to the torture chamber.

LIQUID: Do you think there is a resemblance?
SNAKE: No! I don't resemble crap in anyway!
LIQUID: What? Was that complement?
SNAKE: No, you idiot!
LIQUID: Why thank you Snake! Maybe you're not so bad after all.
OCELOT: Mow I will torture you. Press the O button to regain your strength and select to submit. Any questions?
SNAKE: Yeah, can we just not do this?
OCELOT: No, I will make you listen to annoying elevator music!
SNAKE: Hmm....maybe the Otacon ending is okay presses select before the music starts
OCELOT: So, you are human after all. Guards, take him away!

Snake is put in a cell and finds the DARPA chief dead. The guard left to go to the bathroom.

OTACON: Snake, I brought you some food.
SNAKE: Who needs food? Just get me the hell out of here, dammit!
OTACON: But I don't have the card! Crap, the guard's coming back runs away
SNAKE: Hey, guard, can I see that gun and that card?
SNAKE: Opens door and shoots the guard

Snake goes to Tower A, but a bunch of genome soldiers chase after him.

SNAKE: fires FAMAS DIE!!!!!!!!! All the genome soldiers all die due to Snake's request instead of his bullets

When Snake gets to the roof of the tower, Liquid is pushing a two-inch toy helicopter around.

SNAKE: Liquid, what the freaking hell are you doing?
LIQUID: Circling around you Snake. I'm about to go in for the kill!
SNAKE: Calls Otacon on codec Is there any weapon I can use against him?
OTACON:, just step on the toy and push Liquid off the top of the tower.
SNAKE: Umm....okay hangs up
LIQUID: What's the matter Snake? scared?
SNAKE: Steps on toy helicopter and pushes Liquid off the edge of Tower B
SNAKE: See you in hel- err I mean the Land of Fluffy Bunnies, Liquid.

After Snake defeated Liquid, he received a call from Otacon.

OTACON: The elevator working again.
SNAKE: Did you fix it?
OTACON: It just started working again.
SNAKE: That's strange.
OTACON: And I turned off the elevator music for you.
SNAKE: Uhhh, thankshangs up

Snake tried to get on the elevator but it said it was over the weight limit.

SNAKE: What? Must a gained a little extra pounds.codec rings
OTACON: There's something I forgot to tell you
SNAKE: What?
OTACON: Well, there were four stealth suits in my lab
SNAKE: Yeah...
OTACON: So, I thought I might get one for you, but when I went back to my lab there were gone.
GENOME SOLDIER: Too late Snake you die now!
SNAKE: pulls out FAMAS before any of the soldiers can draw and kills them all

When Snake gets out of the elevator, he goes outside to the snowfield, and is suddenly shot from afar.

SNAKE: Hey what the...?codec ringsOTACON! Were there any other stealth suits in the lab?
OTACON: No, it's Sniper Wolf
SNAKE: Wolf?
OTACON: Snake, promise me one thing,
SNAKE: What?
OTACON: Kill that bleep
SNAKE: Okay sure hangs up

Snake easily beat Wolf and walked up to her.

WOLF: I am a Kurd and I lived through war after war until he came.
WOLF: Saladin?
SNAKE: Saladin? He lived like a thousand years ago.
WOLF: No, not that Saladin, I meant Big Boss.
SNAKE: Big Boss? Liquid told me he was my daddy or some shit like that.
WOLF: But you are a hero, who are you Saladin?
SNAKE: No, I won't be a hero after I kill you, dumbass.
OTACON: SNAKE! What the hell are you waiting for? Just kill her!
SNAKE: You are lungshot, I cannot save you! points gun at Wolf
WOLF: NO! wait, give me my rifle, it is part of me
SNAKE: Yeah, you'll just shoot me when you get it!
WOLF: Damn!
OTACON: Snake, just kill the beep
SNAKE: Okay, fires SOCOM at Wolf

After Snake went around the snowfield looking for items, he came to the Blast Furnace. Snake then used the cargo elevator to go to the warehouse.

RAVEN: This is raven territory
SNAKE: Hey you were the one in the tank, must have been a tight fit for a big boy like you.
RAVEN: Tell me about it.
RAVEN: Uh nothing
SNAKE: Hey look its Ray Lewis from the Baltimore Ravens!
RAVEN: REALLY? WHERE? looks behind him

Ray Lewis comes up from behind Vulcan Raven and stabs them and then runs off again.

RAVEN: Aahh! Wait the DARPA Chief you saw die was not really the DARPA Chief. He was Decoy Octopus.
SNAKE: No shit, Sherlock. But why did he impersonate the chief?
RAVEN: That is the end of the hint. dies
SNAKE: That hint was even more useless than a fortune cookie.

Snake then headed for the underground base and saw Metal Gear Rex then spotted Liquid and Ocelot in a control booth behind it.

SNAKE: So it's them. How did Liquid get out of the land of fluffy bunnies?

After Snake took out the guards, he walked to the place where Liquid and Ocelot were, and listened in on them.

OCELOT: Shall we drop the water balloon on Russia?
LIQUID: No, there's been a new target, China.
LIQUID: Because I said so!
SNAKE: Hmm...I wonder why they're not going to drop it on the white house, maybe the government gave them their two cents. codec rings
OTACON: Snake, I hacked into Baker's files. The Pal Key changes shapes at different temperatures. You input the Pal Keys at room, cold, and hot temperatures.
SNAKE: Okay got it.
SNAKE: Um...
OCELOT: shoots Pal Key out of Snake's hand
SNAKE: NO!!!!!Codec rings
CAMPBELL: Snake, you have to go get it!
SNAKE: Oh, really? Dives into acid water

Snake runs through the acid water looking for the Pal Key and finally finds it and runs back up to the booth where Liquid and Ocelot were.

SNAKE: Hmm...they're gone. I guess I'll just input the room temperature key.

After Snake put in the cold and hot temperature keys as well, the alarm started.

SNAKE: What? Why?!codec rings
OTACON: Snake, I hacked into security, I'm opening the door.
SNAKE: Okay thanks.

When Snake rushed out of the room he saw Liquid.

SNAKE: Liquid! what the hell?pulls out SOCOM
LIQUID: You point a weapon at your own brother?
SNAKE: You would do the same, you idiot!
LIQUID: Jumps in Metal Gear Rex hahahahaha-chokes
SNAKE: NO!!!!!
LIQUID: You will die now Snake, because the Pal Keys turned it on not off!
SNAKE: pulls out Stinger and blasts down Rex Did that do it?
LIQUID: Gets back up SNAKE!!!! You die now!

Just then Gray Fox jumps in front of Rex.

SNAKE: Gray Fox?
FOX: My name from long ago. It sounds better than Deepthroat.
SNAKE: So its you!
FOX: Fires gun at Rex
FOX: Snake, I killed Naomi's parents, so I raised Naomi like my own blood to sooth my guilty conscience.
SNAKE: Really?
FOX: No, not really, I did it because that's how this game goes, but Snake I give you one last present from Deepthroat.
SNAKE: Fox! no!!!
LIQUID: THERE YOU ARE!!! shines flash light that looks like a laser beam on Fox's arm
FOX: What the heck do you think you're doing?
LIQUID: I'm trying to cut your arm off!
FOX: blasts Rex Snake, we're not tools of the government or anyone else. Fighting was the only thing I was ever good at- oh wait I can't say this. That's way too deep for this shitty fanfic.
LIQUID: AAAHHH!!!!! You fools! you destroyed it!
FOX: Runs off
LIQUID: DAMN! I failed to kill Fox too.shoots Snake
SNAKE: Huh? gets shot

Once again Snake is brought to the torture chamber.

OCELOT: Now Snake if you submit we will drop a water balloon containing more water than the Atlantic Ocean on the White House. Okay?
OCELOT: Good, I will make you watch an episode of Barney.
SNAKE: NOOO!!!!! You win!
OCELOT: So, you're human after all. guards take him away.
SNAKE: Not so fast!breaks loose and grabs SOCOM pistol and Sneaking Suit
SNAKE: Runs off back to the where Rex was
SNAKE: Codec rings Colonel, I'm sorry. I gave into my pain, I gave into my fears, now the President has drowned by now.
CAMPBELL: No, Snake, remember what Decoy Octopus said?
SNAKE: Huh? what?
CAMPBELL: They're all freaking idiots ... like me. The water balloon they dropped on the White House is miniature sized.
SNAKE: That's a strangely stupid statement, yet the smartest thing I've ever heard you say.
CAMPBELL: Snake, you can still complete the mission Snake.

SOLIDUS: water balloon falls on him DAMN! And this is a brand new suit too!

Snake climbed on top of Rex to meet Liquid.
SNAKE: So it's you again.
LIQUID: Yeah, but the real water balloon is too big to fit in the launcher so we are making it stay here and it will explode in 10 minutes!
LIQUID: And there's Meryl right there.
SNAKE: Meryl?
LIQUID: HAHAHAHA!!!trips on himself and falls off Rex
SNAKE: That was a little too easy.runs to MerylMeryl we have to get out of here.
MERYL: Snake? it was terrible they through water balloons at me and made me listen to elevator music.
SNAKE: Meryl, c'mon let's get out of here.
OTACON: Hey, they've been dropping smaller water balloons here and the water is 4 feet deep now.
SNAKE: Instead of taking a jeep, we will need a motor boat.codec rings
HOUSEMAN: Hello, Snake I am Jim Houseman and Roy Campbell has been arrested for being an idiot.
SNAKE: Thanks, I can't argue with thathangs up

Snake, Meryl, and Otacon all jump in the motor boat and were stopped at a check point.

GENOME SOLDIER: on Jetski FREEZE! fires gun
SNAKE: fires machine gun and kills the soldiers
LIQUID: *It's not over yet!
SNAKE: Liquid! no!
LIQUID: falls out of boat and drowns
OTACON :Look Snake daylight!boat hits a pebble and goes flying
SNAKE: Otacon, Meryl, can you move?
SNAKE: Wonder what happened to Liquid.
MERYL: I don't know but I hope he's dead
LIQUID: SNAAAAAAKE!!!!!cocks gun
SNAKE: Uh oh!
LIQUID: echoesFO....
LIQUID: echoes....FOX?.....
SNAKE: echoesdie
LIQUID: turns in to Barney
LIQUID: falls off the cliff and dies
SNAKE: codec ringsColonel? what happened?
CAMPBELL: Jim Houseman was placed under arrest for being an idiot but I was released after they saw my License to be an Idiot.
SNAKE: Ookay.
CAMPBELL: Snake you completed the mission, no one really expected you to come back alive!
SNAKE: Will I get a hero's welcome?
CAMPBELL: No, the government is too cheap to do that.
SNAKE: Damn.
CAMPBELL: Snake, well I guess we won't meet again.
SNAKE: Hey, maybe I pay you a visit (as much as I would hate to)
CAMPBELL: Really? I'll look forward to that (oh God, stay the hell away from my house)
SNAKE: hangs up
MERYL: So where to now, Snake?
SNAKE: I guess it's time for to start working on the sequel.
OTACON: Hey, Meryl, shouldn't you be dead?
MERYL: Umm.....

OCELOT: The whole section drowned.
SOLIDUS: But they're still alive? Oh well I'll just fight him in Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty.
OCELOT: Okay, Mr. President.
SOLIDUS: That's King George to you.

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