Categories > Original > Drama > The Adventures of the Fabulous Four
flockmaster
“Have a nice day”, fake smile, pack bags, fake smile, “have a nice day”. It’s an endless ritual of bullshit. Anyone that thinks being a checkout chick is at all glamorous is seriously deluded, anyone who ever thought that it was a good line of work to get into was fucking crazy. This is the most painstaking and boring job on earth, not to mention it is pretty shit pay. Then again, nothing really pays well, well, nothing normal anyway. Not everyone can be a ‘rockstar’.
The only reason I am working so much is because I need the money. I have bills to pay and another semester of university coming up. Student life sucks; whoever said that it would be the best years of my life was seriously high on something, which of course was pretty believable. The lack of money, the stress of exams/assignments is horrible, the lack of time for anything, and the fact that on top of all of my study load I have to travel obscene amounts of time to get to university or home and work, it’s all just fucked up. Not to mention the fact that even though I am scrapping around to survive now, I am building up and bigger and bigger debt through my student loans. So in reality, my life is not really going to get a hell of a lot better even when I do eventually graduate.
Life is frustrating.
My ritual for calming down after work was to log onto the computer and talk to the girls. Everyone has been so busy lately that it has been kind of hard to do, but I’ve still had the boardies to talk to, which has helped. Although, not a whole lot. Some of the teenage girls on the boards can be so fucking annoying. Teenagers in general can be annoying, I just want to shake some of them and tell them that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that not getting their way on something wasn’t going to end the world.
You have 1 new email.
I was surprised at the fact that I had a new email. I had only been away from the computer for three hours to work an extra shift at the place commonly referred to as hell. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked it open straight away. I didn’t bother to change, I didn’t bother to shower, I just sat at my computer and waited for the browser to load.
Email from searchingtheskies to flockmaster on Friday 15-10-2008
Hey Meggie Moo (I used it again, I have to tell you though, I think it’s starting to catch on with the boys too.....I’M NOT SORRY!),
Holy fucking Jesus H. Christ! I swear to Blog that you are going to shit bricks after you read this! You’ll never guess who just had the best possible fucking day of her life?! Hands down best day! Better than any fucking barrier/front seat concert bullshit ever!
Oh wait, that sooooooo gives it away, but I don’t even care. Megan you have no idea how happy I am right now. I feel like my body is about to split into two from happiness.
WE FUCKING GOT SIGNED! Legitimately signed. We can mass produce CD’s signed!
I am not even joking. We are now a signed band. Fuck, you have no idea how awesome that is to type.
I am part of a signed band, I am part of a signed band. I AM PART OF A SIGNED BAND!!!!!!
Okay I am going to stop freaking out on you. But I needed to tell you. Oh my GOD!
Okay we are going to go and PARTY right now, I mean, SERIOUSLY. WE ARE SIGNED!
I’ll go into MASS details later, I promise but right now I need to celebrate. I feel like exploding from happiness!
I love you long time.
-B.
P.S. OMFG WE ARE CUTTING THE TOUR SHORT DUE TO BEING SIGNED AND I AM COMING HOME NEXT WEEK!!!! I can’t believe that I almost forgot to tell you. We MUST hit up a bar and celebrate.
P.P.S. Jack says hi, and also did a little happy dance in your general direction.
I think my heart just fucking exploded. I don’t even think I am breathing right now.
searchingtheskies
“I fucking love you and I fucking love the world” I screamed into the phone. I didn’t know if it was a scream or a slur, whatever it was I know she could hear me. Well, I hoped she could hear me. I half fell and half flopped onto the couch in front of me, life was about to get a whole lot better for all of us. That was, at least, the only thing I could hope for.
“We got signed Mon” I managed to slur out, somewhere in between the greeting confusion and the concern. There was no better way to explain anything than to simply state that I was drunk. I had been drinking all night with the boys, something that is very out of character for me, but nevertheless I did it. After all, I did have something rather significant to celebrate and this was the only way we wanted to celebrate right now.
When I got drunk it usually lent itself to some sort of drama or disaster, and it wasn’t generally lead by me, there was the odd occasion where I did something stupid. Usually it would be something slightly simple like a phone call to a friend in which I would be brutally honest. Occasionally it had lead to some drunken kissing, or even worse. One time it took me to an almost suicide moment. I guess it could be plainly seen why I avoid the stuff in bulk. Truth be told, I hadn’t really had this much to drink since that near suicide moment. I didn’t want to get close to that frame of mind, ever again and so far avoiding being this drunk had helped. Kind of.
The fact that my family, extended included, abused it to its fullest probably didn’t help. In truth I had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. When I was drinking it I loved it, but when I wasn’t, I hated it.
Somehow I managed to avoid the concern and good-willed lecture from Moni and returned to my state of partying. It didn’t matter what she said to me, in five seconds I would have forgotten it, and by the morning it wouldn’t even be part of a memory.
I was secretly hoping that being signed would mean that I could bring together all my friends for the first time, that I could take away all our problems and that we could all live happily together. No matter what was going on, I needed to believe that this would happen. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to wake up tomorrow and have everything be perfect, but I know all too well that perfection is only a myth. My utopian dream was never going to be put to rest though.
flockmaster
I have been trying to calm Moni down all night. She called me frantically, speaking in a rush and almost screaming at me.
She was worried, which was a normal reaction for her, she had a tendency to over analyse things and in some cases over react. Except in this instance it took me a good ten minutes to even come close to what she was talking about, that alone made it hard for me to even have any effect in trying to calm her down. She had every right to be worried though, Bec had called her completely wasted. At our age you’d think that it would sort of be a ‘normal’ thing to do, or at least something that wasn’t completely unexpected, well for Bec, it wasn’t right. For Bec, it meant that something wasn’t quite right, she never really drank to excess anymore, she been burnt enough in the past for her to not want it anymore. She never drank. I mean never like never, and if she did, it was rarely, if at all, to excess. Something had to be wrong for her to over indulge. It had happened a few times, and each time it had ended badly, and been induced by something even worse. All this, of course, lead to the worry and concern.
“Mon calm down, I know it isn’t exactly like her, but hey, they just got signed” I soothed Moni. This international call must be costing one of us something ridiculous. “The boys will be watching out for her.”
“Megan she never drinks” replied Moni, “never as in doesn’t. I know they got signed, but celebrating for her is baking food for everyone else to eat or going and indulging in expensive ice cream. The girl doesn’t drink! And the boys, please, they don’t know her at all like we do, they don’t know her past like we do.”
“Maybe she decided to let loose for a night or something” I replied. “I know she doesn’t always do it, but getting signed is a big deal. Jack wouldn’t let a hair on her body be harmed. God, he could be so drunk he couldn’t walk and he’d still make sure she’s okay. When it comes to her he is like superman or something.”
“Megan, her getting drunk is a big deal” replied Moni. “She could barely even string a sentence together. She was so far gone, and it is so not like her.”
“She has trouble stringing a sentence together at the best of times” I replied, I was trying to joke to make the situation less tense. It usually didn’t work and just ended up making things awkward, despite lack of trying on my part.
“Megan I am worried” Moni said.
“I know Mon, and I’ll talk to her, but I don’t think we have much to be worried about” I replied to her concerned tone. I was trying my hardest to diffuse all this worry, but she wasn’t budging.
“Well, can you at least make sure she is okay and let me know?” she asked.
“Of course. I’ll call her tomorrow, and I bet she’ll have a hangover but that is it.” I smiled; a hangover was like God’s way of telling you that you’ve gone too far, it was like a hidden punishment. It didn’t matter if you knew it was coming though, it rarely stopped anyone from doing it. Some people even lived blindly by the belief that a hangover was God’ way of saying you kicked ass last night. Sometimes I wonder how people can breed.
mywordsaremyfaith
It had been three days since Bec had rang me, three long days. In my mind I had every right to be worried. Here was a girl whose world was being turned upside down, here was a girl who never drank, and there she was, ringing me in the early hours of the morning completely wasted. I think I have right to worry. Megan tried to play it down, tried to calm me down, but it didn’t work. I faked it for her, made her believe that I was fine when really I was being eaten up inside with worry. I was so good at making people believe whatever I wanted them to.
On the one hand I was happy for her; her life was starting to come together. On the other hand I was worried, her life might seem to be coming together, but I know that it can also be the time that everything else starts to fall apart. Her professional life was going well, her personal life, well I had no idea.
I knew her well enough to know that everything was not okay in her world, whether she was letting people know or not. I knew her well enough to know that her drinking was not a good sign.
beani19
Something happy has come from all my wallowing. Bec got signed. This is the happiest news I’ve had in a long time and I can honestly say that I am beyond stoked. She deserves it more than anyone, and I know the things she has been through to get to where she is.
I also know that music is her passion, and she can write a song that rivals many of the famous musicians that are going around these days. Maybe this was a sign that everything was looking up, maybe it was a sign that everything was about to fall apart. I don’t care; as long as it is a sign that something other than this pain is coming, and I am all in.
My life was slowly returning to normal, the crying was becoming less and less. I had to make it through this, there was no other option, and I had no other options.
searchingtheskies
My head was still ringing from the events of the past few nights. As a band we had gone on a few benders, celebrating mainly, and I have been getting caught up in everything. I found myself joining in the binge sessions. I at least tried to make sure there was something to celebrate though, there had to be something to celebrate for me to even think about partaking.
I’ve done things I promised myself I wouldn’t.
Some nights I find myself in someone else’s bed with no recollection of how I got there, at least so far I have managed to stay fully clothed. I don’t know what all this was about, but I think I am getting slightly out of control. Suddenly our actions have no consequences; our new label is picking up our tabs and paying for everything, not just paying for it, they are happy to pay for it. We didn’t think we’d get a deal this good, we thought we’d have to slum it, but no, they were handing us everything like we were their next golden kids. It’s like we have nothing holding us back anymore, no restrictions, no limits, and we’ve been set free.
Rainy days on the inside, sunny smiles on the flipside
Crashing waves and sinking ships,
She’s got the softest lips.
Take me over, bleed me dry
Hit it up and kiss it goodbye
With all these days of partying, these days of celebration, everything was becoming a bit of a blur. I was having a hard time making sense of my head anymore.
This is not me.
This is not my heart.
This is not my body.
This is not what I wanted.
I couldn’t piece together everything that was going on right now, the world seemed disjointed. I did know that our tour was now over, we didn’t need to sleep in back seats and on people floors anymore. Our label wanted us to go straight into the studio and lay down an EP to be followed up by a proper studio album within the next 6-12 months, which made sense, but after such a long tour the thought of a break plagued my mind. I was still new to all this. This tour was one of the first big musical things I had ever done. It would be fair to say that I had become addicted, but I needed to step back, I needed to take a look at things.
We also still didn’t have a proper manager or anything. We were just a local band that had suddenly been thrust into the corporate music world. I was being thrown head first into the recording world. This was what I wanted though, right? This was the dream?
flockmaster
Something wasn’t right, I could feel it, but there was nothing I could do. The annoying thing about having friends so far away is that when you knew something was wrong there wasn’t a whole lot you could do. You couldn’t just jump in the car and be at their house in a matter of minutes, you couldn’t even just pick up the phone and call, and you could barely do anything but be eaten alive with worry.
I had been working to try to keep my mind of everything, trying to let my worries drift to the back of my mind, but no matter how hard I tried they still stayed there, nagging at me. I had been staring at this stupid fucking assignment for the last 3 hours.
It’s hard to feel so disjointed from all your friends when you think they need your help.
mywordsaremyfaith
This is exactly what I don’t need right now. On top of everything that is going on right now my mother has gone and made it all worse.
We’ve never had a good relationship, ever. In her eyes I am a failure, I’m ungrateful and I am doing nothing with my life. She thinks nothing of me, I am nothing but a burden on her and the entire family, to her, I am nothing compared to my sister, her golden child.
My sister, how can I even begin to explain the fucked up relationship we have?
Some days she loves me, most days she doesn’t. She is only ever really nice to me when she wants something, and usually I end up giving it to her. She’s the prettier one of the two of us, that’s for sure. She’s the one with the good body, the right hair style, and I am the fat one, the plain one, the one that was destined to sit in the background and fade into nothing. I’m the fucking wallflower.
It would seem that no matter how hard I try to make things work between me and my family, no matter how hard I try to make something of myself, all I keep doing is failing, and each and every time my mother likes to tell me all about it. This time she is angry with me because I won’t go back to school, school of course being University. I won’t, or more like can’t go back right now. My mind is not in the right place, there is no way that I could get through it, let alone pass any subjects. My life is too fucked up, my head is too fucked up, for me to even try. I don’t have the will to do it, and without that there is no real reason to bother. Why waste the money and emotions?
So here I am once again, pressed against the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, wishing to be anywhere but here. I can trace all these scars with my fingers and have every memory come flooding back.
searchingtheskies
There is nothing more refreshing than resting your head on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, especially in a moment when you need to escape. The sudden jolt of the coolness is enough to take you out of that horrible moment for even just the smallest of seconds. My head was pounding; last night had been something else. It was the last night of tour, so of course it was everything we were expecting it to be, nothing but mayhem.
So far everything was a complete blur, I couldn’t piece together anything from the moment I walked off the small piece of raised wood we referred to as a stage.
I didn’t even know what time it was, the sun was coming through the small window in the bathroom, but that could mean it was any time of day. I was at least somewhat comforted by the fact that I didn’t wake up in here. I came in here to clear my much cluttered head.
Everything in my life seemed to be moving at the speed of light, suddenly things were going so fast. We had been signed, our tour was over, people’s lives were moving on and I felt like I had nothing to show for all these things happening. A photo of yesterday felt like it was taken years ago. It almost felt like things were moving forward at a rapid pace, and I was doing nothing but slowly walking backwards. I had done so many things within the last month that I could no longer keep track of the milestone or any events in my life, like so many things before it, everything was becoming a blur. I had accomplished so much, and done some very stupid things, I was no longer a virgin, I had a tattoo, I was a singer in a signed band and I couldn’t remember any of it. So many moments that I would have savoured, moments the me from the past would have documented or made last just a little longer, and here I was, not knowing how they happened, or why, but knowing that they had. Was this living life or was this just existing?
I have no idea how to control this life in the fast lane. I was fucking losing it.
beani19
I think I am getting things together, seriously. Somehow I think things are starting to fall into place. I haven’t thought about my ex in days, it has to have been at least a month. I have been throwing myself into school work and I have the good grades to show for it. Suddenly life doesn’t seem so bad. I even find myself enjoying work sometimes, of course, that is only sometimes, I mean how exciting can sitting at the desk of an accountant be?
Email from searchingtheskies to beanie19 on Wednesday 04-11-2008
Hello there my crazy beautiful.
Sorry it has been so long, I have been pretty busy, for all the wrong and right reasons. I swear on my mother’s hair that life is so crazy right now. It feels like forever since I have spoken to you, not to mention the other girls, but I just don’t get much time to me of late. Of course, in the end I can only blame myself.
So, you know I am crazy busy, but how are you? What’s been going on of late?
I wish I could say more but I am squashed into the back of the van and the battery is running out. I love and miss you heaps. xo
P.S. Sorry to hear about you and mr oh so very wrong.
It was nice to get an email from Bec, even if it was really short. I guess she has been pretty busy of late. Megan seems to be slightly worried seeing as she comes online and sends emails less and less, but that is to be expected right? She’s working hard and doesn’t have much time, right? I rushed her a reply and grabbed my bag. I was late myself, I had to get to work before 9 and it was already ten to. At least from work I could log into everything on the internet and give people real updates on my life, and the good news that I felt like I was finally starting to get over my ex.
searchingtheskies
My pale reflection in the mirror was something like a ghost. I was never meant to be this pale and it showed. I looked washed out and the massive circles under my eyes made me look like I was dead. The truth was I was just tired, tired and drained, and this made me look like the walking dead. It was nothing that makeup couldn’t fix though.
I seemed to be finding myself in the most awkward and random situations of late. I’m that clumsy girl, half asleep who has to try to sneak out of someone else’s hotel room in the morning, or their bedroom, the girl who can’t remember when the day started or realizes when it ends. I’m the girl who looks like she is having a blast, but for some reason can’t seem to get it all together. I’m the girl whose dreams are coming true, yet she can’t seem to make her smile reach her eyes. And that was something the media, and the people who were reviewing us picked up on. I guess it all gets out eventually anyway.
This was the time in the day that I put on that makeup mask, the face that made me look like I was perfect, not tired, not exhausted, but perfectly fine. It had become such a routine I almost believed it myself. Only sometimes.
“Becca hurry the fuck up” yelled a tired voice behind the door, complete with heavy impatient pounding.
“Freddy you’re a male” I replied, my hand running through my untamed hair. “That means you have the amazing option of being able to piss almost anywhere.”
“Are you really going to be that long?” he whined, I could hear him jumping from foot to foot.
“Just come in” I sighed, “I didn’t lock it.” I never locked the door anymore, not unless I had to hide something, but I was so comfortable with my band mates that thus far I haven’t needed to hide anything and I was hoping that I never would. We all had these little rules, sock on the door handle, that kind of shit. It made some situation less awkward and others extremely awkward.
“Fuck I think my bladder is going to explode” whined Freddy, bursting into the bathroom. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as I heard the disgustingly awkward sound of him sighing in relief. Fucking boys.
The morning had passed without any major incidents, meaning that we had arrived to our breakfast meeting in one piece. It was a breakfast meeting with our producer, or at least our prospective producer, it all was hanging on the outcome of the breakfast. I could help but be nervous, and the knots in my stomach made me well aware of it. I relished the feeling though, because it was my reassurance that I still cared enough to be nervous.
“Have a nice day”, fake smile, pack bags, fake smile, “have a nice day”. It’s an endless ritual of bullshit. Anyone that thinks being a checkout chick is at all glamorous is seriously deluded, anyone who ever thought that it was a good line of work to get into was fucking crazy. This is the most painstaking and boring job on earth, not to mention it is pretty shit pay. Then again, nothing really pays well, well, nothing normal anyway. Not everyone can be a ‘rockstar’.
The only reason I am working so much is because I need the money. I have bills to pay and another semester of university coming up. Student life sucks; whoever said that it would be the best years of my life was seriously high on something, which of course was pretty believable. The lack of money, the stress of exams/assignments is horrible, the lack of time for anything, and the fact that on top of all of my study load I have to travel obscene amounts of time to get to university or home and work, it’s all just fucked up. Not to mention the fact that even though I am scrapping around to survive now, I am building up and bigger and bigger debt through my student loans. So in reality, my life is not really going to get a hell of a lot better even when I do eventually graduate.
Life is frustrating.
My ritual for calming down after work was to log onto the computer and talk to the girls. Everyone has been so busy lately that it has been kind of hard to do, but I’ve still had the boardies to talk to, which has helped. Although, not a whole lot. Some of the teenage girls on the boards can be so fucking annoying. Teenagers in general can be annoying, I just want to shake some of them and tell them that the world doesn’t revolve around them and that not getting their way on something wasn’t going to end the world.
You have 1 new email.
I was surprised at the fact that I had a new email. I had only been away from the computer for three hours to work an extra shift at the place commonly referred to as hell. Curiosity got the better of me and I clicked it open straight away. I didn’t bother to change, I didn’t bother to shower, I just sat at my computer and waited for the browser to load.
Email from searchingtheskies to flockmaster on Friday 15-10-2008
Hey Meggie Moo (I used it again, I have to tell you though, I think it’s starting to catch on with the boys too.....I’M NOT SORRY!),
Holy fucking Jesus H. Christ! I swear to Blog that you are going to shit bricks after you read this! You’ll never guess who just had the best possible fucking day of her life?! Hands down best day! Better than any fucking barrier/front seat concert bullshit ever!
Oh wait, that sooooooo gives it away, but I don’t even care. Megan you have no idea how happy I am right now. I feel like my body is about to split into two from happiness.
WE FUCKING GOT SIGNED! Legitimately signed. We can mass produce CD’s signed!
I am not even joking. We are now a signed band. Fuck, you have no idea how awesome that is to type.
I am part of a signed band, I am part of a signed band. I AM PART OF A SIGNED BAND!!!!!!
Okay I am going to stop freaking out on you. But I needed to tell you. Oh my GOD!
Okay we are going to go and PARTY right now, I mean, SERIOUSLY. WE ARE SIGNED!
I’ll go into MASS details later, I promise but right now I need to celebrate. I feel like exploding from happiness!
I love you long time.
-B.
P.S. OMFG WE ARE CUTTING THE TOUR SHORT DUE TO BEING SIGNED AND I AM COMING HOME NEXT WEEK!!!! I can’t believe that I almost forgot to tell you. We MUST hit up a bar and celebrate.
P.P.S. Jack says hi, and also did a little happy dance in your general direction.
I think my heart just fucking exploded. I don’t even think I am breathing right now.
searchingtheskies
“I fucking love you and I fucking love the world” I screamed into the phone. I didn’t know if it was a scream or a slur, whatever it was I know she could hear me. Well, I hoped she could hear me. I half fell and half flopped onto the couch in front of me, life was about to get a whole lot better for all of us. That was, at least, the only thing I could hope for.
“We got signed Mon” I managed to slur out, somewhere in between the greeting confusion and the concern. There was no better way to explain anything than to simply state that I was drunk. I had been drinking all night with the boys, something that is very out of character for me, but nevertheless I did it. After all, I did have something rather significant to celebrate and this was the only way we wanted to celebrate right now.
When I got drunk it usually lent itself to some sort of drama or disaster, and it wasn’t generally lead by me, there was the odd occasion where I did something stupid. Usually it would be something slightly simple like a phone call to a friend in which I would be brutally honest. Occasionally it had lead to some drunken kissing, or even worse. One time it took me to an almost suicide moment. I guess it could be plainly seen why I avoid the stuff in bulk. Truth be told, I hadn’t really had this much to drink since that near suicide moment. I didn’t want to get close to that frame of mind, ever again and so far avoiding being this drunk had helped. Kind of.
The fact that my family, extended included, abused it to its fullest probably didn’t help. In truth I had a love/hate relationship with alcohol. When I was drinking it I loved it, but when I wasn’t, I hated it.
Somehow I managed to avoid the concern and good-willed lecture from Moni and returned to my state of partying. It didn’t matter what she said to me, in five seconds I would have forgotten it, and by the morning it wouldn’t even be part of a memory.
I was secretly hoping that being signed would mean that I could bring together all my friends for the first time, that I could take away all our problems and that we could all live happily together. No matter what was going on, I needed to believe that this would happen. I wanted it so bad. I wanted to wake up tomorrow and have everything be perfect, but I know all too well that perfection is only a myth. My utopian dream was never going to be put to rest though.
flockmaster
I have been trying to calm Moni down all night. She called me frantically, speaking in a rush and almost screaming at me.
She was worried, which was a normal reaction for her, she had a tendency to over analyse things and in some cases over react. Except in this instance it took me a good ten minutes to even come close to what she was talking about, that alone made it hard for me to even have any effect in trying to calm her down. She had every right to be worried though, Bec had called her completely wasted. At our age you’d think that it would sort of be a ‘normal’ thing to do, or at least something that wasn’t completely unexpected, well for Bec, it wasn’t right. For Bec, it meant that something wasn’t quite right, she never really drank to excess anymore, she been burnt enough in the past for her to not want it anymore. She never drank. I mean never like never, and if she did, it was rarely, if at all, to excess. Something had to be wrong for her to over indulge. It had happened a few times, and each time it had ended badly, and been induced by something even worse. All this, of course, lead to the worry and concern.
“Mon calm down, I know it isn’t exactly like her, but hey, they just got signed” I soothed Moni. This international call must be costing one of us something ridiculous. “The boys will be watching out for her.”
“Megan she never drinks” replied Moni, “never as in doesn’t. I know they got signed, but celebrating for her is baking food for everyone else to eat or going and indulging in expensive ice cream. The girl doesn’t drink! And the boys, please, they don’t know her at all like we do, they don’t know her past like we do.”
“Maybe she decided to let loose for a night or something” I replied. “I know she doesn’t always do it, but getting signed is a big deal. Jack wouldn’t let a hair on her body be harmed. God, he could be so drunk he couldn’t walk and he’d still make sure she’s okay. When it comes to her he is like superman or something.”
“Megan, her getting drunk is a big deal” replied Moni. “She could barely even string a sentence together. She was so far gone, and it is so not like her.”
“She has trouble stringing a sentence together at the best of times” I replied, I was trying to joke to make the situation less tense. It usually didn’t work and just ended up making things awkward, despite lack of trying on my part.
“Megan I am worried” Moni said.
“I know Mon, and I’ll talk to her, but I don’t think we have much to be worried about” I replied to her concerned tone. I was trying my hardest to diffuse all this worry, but she wasn’t budging.
“Well, can you at least make sure she is okay and let me know?” she asked.
“Of course. I’ll call her tomorrow, and I bet she’ll have a hangover but that is it.” I smiled; a hangover was like God’s way of telling you that you’ve gone too far, it was like a hidden punishment. It didn’t matter if you knew it was coming though, it rarely stopped anyone from doing it. Some people even lived blindly by the belief that a hangover was God’ way of saying you kicked ass last night. Sometimes I wonder how people can breed.
mywordsaremyfaith
It had been three days since Bec had rang me, three long days. In my mind I had every right to be worried. Here was a girl whose world was being turned upside down, here was a girl who never drank, and there she was, ringing me in the early hours of the morning completely wasted. I think I have right to worry. Megan tried to play it down, tried to calm me down, but it didn’t work. I faked it for her, made her believe that I was fine when really I was being eaten up inside with worry. I was so good at making people believe whatever I wanted them to.
On the one hand I was happy for her; her life was starting to come together. On the other hand I was worried, her life might seem to be coming together, but I know that it can also be the time that everything else starts to fall apart. Her professional life was going well, her personal life, well I had no idea.
I knew her well enough to know that everything was not okay in her world, whether she was letting people know or not. I knew her well enough to know that her drinking was not a good sign.
beani19
Something happy has come from all my wallowing. Bec got signed. This is the happiest news I’ve had in a long time and I can honestly say that I am beyond stoked. She deserves it more than anyone, and I know the things she has been through to get to where she is.
I also know that music is her passion, and she can write a song that rivals many of the famous musicians that are going around these days. Maybe this was a sign that everything was looking up, maybe it was a sign that everything was about to fall apart. I don’t care; as long as it is a sign that something other than this pain is coming, and I am all in.
My life was slowly returning to normal, the crying was becoming less and less. I had to make it through this, there was no other option, and I had no other options.
searchingtheskies
My head was still ringing from the events of the past few nights. As a band we had gone on a few benders, celebrating mainly, and I have been getting caught up in everything. I found myself joining in the binge sessions. I at least tried to make sure there was something to celebrate though, there had to be something to celebrate for me to even think about partaking.
I’ve done things I promised myself I wouldn’t.
Some nights I find myself in someone else’s bed with no recollection of how I got there, at least so far I have managed to stay fully clothed. I don’t know what all this was about, but I think I am getting slightly out of control. Suddenly our actions have no consequences; our new label is picking up our tabs and paying for everything, not just paying for it, they are happy to pay for it. We didn’t think we’d get a deal this good, we thought we’d have to slum it, but no, they were handing us everything like we were their next golden kids. It’s like we have nothing holding us back anymore, no restrictions, no limits, and we’ve been set free.
Rainy days on the inside, sunny smiles on the flipside
Crashing waves and sinking ships,
She’s got the softest lips.
Take me over, bleed me dry
Hit it up and kiss it goodbye
With all these days of partying, these days of celebration, everything was becoming a bit of a blur. I was having a hard time making sense of my head anymore.
This is not me.
This is not my heart.
This is not my body.
This is not what I wanted.
I couldn’t piece together everything that was going on right now, the world seemed disjointed. I did know that our tour was now over, we didn’t need to sleep in back seats and on people floors anymore. Our label wanted us to go straight into the studio and lay down an EP to be followed up by a proper studio album within the next 6-12 months, which made sense, but after such a long tour the thought of a break plagued my mind. I was still new to all this. This tour was one of the first big musical things I had ever done. It would be fair to say that I had become addicted, but I needed to step back, I needed to take a look at things.
We also still didn’t have a proper manager or anything. We were just a local band that had suddenly been thrust into the corporate music world. I was being thrown head first into the recording world. This was what I wanted though, right? This was the dream?
flockmaster
Something wasn’t right, I could feel it, but there was nothing I could do. The annoying thing about having friends so far away is that when you knew something was wrong there wasn’t a whole lot you could do. You couldn’t just jump in the car and be at their house in a matter of minutes, you couldn’t even just pick up the phone and call, and you could barely do anything but be eaten alive with worry.
I had been working to try to keep my mind of everything, trying to let my worries drift to the back of my mind, but no matter how hard I tried they still stayed there, nagging at me. I had been staring at this stupid fucking assignment for the last 3 hours.
It’s hard to feel so disjointed from all your friends when you think they need your help.
mywordsaremyfaith
This is exactly what I don’t need right now. On top of everything that is going on right now my mother has gone and made it all worse.
We’ve never had a good relationship, ever. In her eyes I am a failure, I’m ungrateful and I am doing nothing with my life. She thinks nothing of me, I am nothing but a burden on her and the entire family, to her, I am nothing compared to my sister, her golden child.
My sister, how can I even begin to explain the fucked up relationship we have?
Some days she loves me, most days she doesn’t. She is only ever really nice to me when she wants something, and usually I end up giving it to her. She’s the prettier one of the two of us, that’s for sure. She’s the one with the good body, the right hair style, and I am the fat one, the plain one, the one that was destined to sit in the background and fade into nothing. I’m the fucking wallflower.
It would seem that no matter how hard I try to make things work between me and my family, no matter how hard I try to make something of myself, all I keep doing is failing, and each and every time my mother likes to tell me all about it. This time she is angry with me because I won’t go back to school, school of course being University. I won’t, or more like can’t go back right now. My mind is not in the right place, there is no way that I could get through it, let alone pass any subjects. My life is too fucked up, my head is too fucked up, for me to even try. I don’t have the will to do it, and without that there is no real reason to bother. Why waste the money and emotions?
So here I am once again, pressed against the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, wishing to be anywhere but here. I can trace all these scars with my fingers and have every memory come flooding back.
searchingtheskies
There is nothing more refreshing than resting your head on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, especially in a moment when you need to escape. The sudden jolt of the coolness is enough to take you out of that horrible moment for even just the smallest of seconds. My head was pounding; last night had been something else. It was the last night of tour, so of course it was everything we were expecting it to be, nothing but mayhem.
So far everything was a complete blur, I couldn’t piece together anything from the moment I walked off the small piece of raised wood we referred to as a stage.
I didn’t even know what time it was, the sun was coming through the small window in the bathroom, but that could mean it was any time of day. I was at least somewhat comforted by the fact that I didn’t wake up in here. I came in here to clear my much cluttered head.
Everything in my life seemed to be moving at the speed of light, suddenly things were going so fast. We had been signed, our tour was over, people’s lives were moving on and I felt like I had nothing to show for all these things happening. A photo of yesterday felt like it was taken years ago. It almost felt like things were moving forward at a rapid pace, and I was doing nothing but slowly walking backwards. I had done so many things within the last month that I could no longer keep track of the milestone or any events in my life, like so many things before it, everything was becoming a blur. I had accomplished so much, and done some very stupid things, I was no longer a virgin, I had a tattoo, I was a singer in a signed band and I couldn’t remember any of it. So many moments that I would have savoured, moments the me from the past would have documented or made last just a little longer, and here I was, not knowing how they happened, or why, but knowing that they had. Was this living life or was this just existing?
I have no idea how to control this life in the fast lane. I was fucking losing it.
beani19
I think I am getting things together, seriously. Somehow I think things are starting to fall into place. I haven’t thought about my ex in days, it has to have been at least a month. I have been throwing myself into school work and I have the good grades to show for it. Suddenly life doesn’t seem so bad. I even find myself enjoying work sometimes, of course, that is only sometimes, I mean how exciting can sitting at the desk of an accountant be?
Email from searchingtheskies to beanie19 on Wednesday 04-11-2008
Hello there my crazy beautiful.
Sorry it has been so long, I have been pretty busy, for all the wrong and right reasons. I swear on my mother’s hair that life is so crazy right now. It feels like forever since I have spoken to you, not to mention the other girls, but I just don’t get much time to me of late. Of course, in the end I can only blame myself.
So, you know I am crazy busy, but how are you? What’s been going on of late?
I wish I could say more but I am squashed into the back of the van and the battery is running out. I love and miss you heaps. xo
P.S. Sorry to hear about you and mr oh so very wrong.
It was nice to get an email from Bec, even if it was really short. I guess she has been pretty busy of late. Megan seems to be slightly worried seeing as she comes online and sends emails less and less, but that is to be expected right? She’s working hard and doesn’t have much time, right? I rushed her a reply and grabbed my bag. I was late myself, I had to get to work before 9 and it was already ten to. At least from work I could log into everything on the internet and give people real updates on my life, and the good news that I felt like I was finally starting to get over my ex.
searchingtheskies
My pale reflection in the mirror was something like a ghost. I was never meant to be this pale and it showed. I looked washed out and the massive circles under my eyes made me look like I was dead. The truth was I was just tired, tired and drained, and this made me look like the walking dead. It was nothing that makeup couldn’t fix though.
I seemed to be finding myself in the most awkward and random situations of late. I’m that clumsy girl, half asleep who has to try to sneak out of someone else’s hotel room in the morning, or their bedroom, the girl who can’t remember when the day started or realizes when it ends. I’m the girl who looks like she is having a blast, but for some reason can’t seem to get it all together. I’m the girl whose dreams are coming true, yet she can’t seem to make her smile reach her eyes. And that was something the media, and the people who were reviewing us picked up on. I guess it all gets out eventually anyway.
This was the time in the day that I put on that makeup mask, the face that made me look like I was perfect, not tired, not exhausted, but perfectly fine. It had become such a routine I almost believed it myself. Only sometimes.
“Becca hurry the fuck up” yelled a tired voice behind the door, complete with heavy impatient pounding.
“Freddy you’re a male” I replied, my hand running through my untamed hair. “That means you have the amazing option of being able to piss almost anywhere.”
“Are you really going to be that long?” he whined, I could hear him jumping from foot to foot.
“Just come in” I sighed, “I didn’t lock it.” I never locked the door anymore, not unless I had to hide something, but I was so comfortable with my band mates that thus far I haven’t needed to hide anything and I was hoping that I never would. We all had these little rules, sock on the door handle, that kind of shit. It made some situation less awkward and others extremely awkward.
“Fuck I think my bladder is going to explode” whined Freddy, bursting into the bathroom. I pulled my hair back into a ponytail as I heard the disgustingly awkward sound of him sighing in relief. Fucking boys.
The morning had passed without any major incidents, meaning that we had arrived to our breakfast meeting in one piece. It was a breakfast meeting with our producer, or at least our prospective producer, it all was hanging on the outcome of the breakfast. I could help but be nervous, and the knots in my stomach made me well aware of it. I relished the feeling though, because it was my reassurance that I still cared enough to be nervous.
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