FicWad

There Is No Mathematics to Love and Loss



I miss the days where we knew who we were. Where we could spend all day outside and never grow tired, or hungry. The days where we knew that we would be together forever and that nothing could get in the way of that. But then again, we swore that we would not let time touch us that the hands of time would not move, it is obvious that we have failed. Every year I grow a little older, I see the grey starting to settle in, the lines deepen. I suppose that our wishes never came true, that we were holding onto thin air.



He told me that things were going to change soon. That I shouldn't be afraid because the changes were going to be for the better and that it would help us to keep a hold on each other. It didn't work that way though. He broke me. I believe that was his plan. He said he would try to repair us, but sometimes you cannot fix something that is broken. I guess that I am just one of those things. To be broken so badly, that life does not hold any appeal. I hope that none other has to ever feel this pain.



The house is dead, no one talks anymore. I know it's because of me and my mistrust of him, but I cannot do anything while I feel like this. I cannot just pretend to forgive him to make the family happy. I am self sacrificing, but I cannot go back on my morals, if I was to do that then who would I be? I would lose myself and never be able to hold myself to the ground. My thoughts would fill my head so much that I would lift off the ground and never be able to regain control. I cannot have that. I must stay grounded, or how else could I live? I would not be a person, just a shell, an empty husk of human never actually living, only being guided and shaped like a piece of artwork by a master artist.



He came to wake me today, but I sent him away. I cannot trust him anymore. He broke my heart once and swore he would never, is that not enough to warrant banishment? I know they say "forgive and forget" but how can I forgive him when he broke his word?He has always been the only one I've ever wanted, I would never betray his trust, and if I ever did I could not ask forgiveness, for I feel like I could not live with the knowledge that I did something, so horrible, to someone that I say repeatedly that I love. I have given up on him. I have to move on and rebuild myself. Sadly I feel like I can never find my other half, but I shall still continue as best as I can.



I am a tree and they are the ocean. I have been swept away in a river of duty. It appears that I cannot feel anything for myself anymore either. The family say that I must fold to their will, and reclaim my ties to him. The thought of having to go back on my morals kills me. How can I do it? How can my family do this to me?Do they not care a thing for me? Why are they making me break my word? All I know is that I will not make it through this alone. Perhaps it is time to"forgive and forget"... no I know I cannot do that. Maybe I can forgive him this, but I know that I will not be able to forget. I shall not hold a grudge, but I will always remember.



The news soon floods the world. I have let go my grudge, the man has been forgiven. When word reaches his family's ears, they come. At first he is cautious, but when he discovers I will not attack he warms, but does not become reckless. He knows that I am strained and that I am uncomfortable. His arms enfold me, bringing back memories of smells, sounds, tastes, sights and textures. I remember days where the world made sense. But these arms are different. I can feel something that's not quite right. The smells seem off, the tastes are bitter. The sights are too bright but too dark all at once, the textures are kisses of fire on bare skin. I know that this time will be different from the first, that we cannot hold this peace for long. We will not give, and I know with a great certainty that this will end with death. The question is who will lose?



He stands right next to me, yet he is so far away. I reach for him yet I cannot get to him. He asked me to trust him and of course I yes. How could I not trust him? I ignore the voice that laughs bitterly and says easily. He is the one who holds me together. I am the bricks and he is the mortar. That is what the family has said, so it must be law. Yet now the wall is crumbling, and I feel like a lost cause. I hope that he comes back soon, I feel like I will lose myself and slip away while he is gone. No one else has ever had this affect on me, its terrifying and so frightening. To have my weakness exposed so. But it is not him that has exposed my weaknesses so violently. The family's word is law, it is religion. I follow like a lamb after its mother. I am still losing myself. The whole wall will collapse soon. They said they would protect me but yet, they are not here. Maybe he can save me? But he is not here, he is too far away. The lights are growing dim and sound has faded. I can see him coming back, slowly, so very agonizingly slowly. I feel myself falling too fast. He's too slow, I've lost...