Categories > Original > Humor

No Brains, No Shirt, No Service

by KurtPikachu2001 0 reviews

Sergei seeks revenge on Stan by using a mind control device when he spots Roger at the beach while on a holiday.

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor - Published: 2010-06-23 - Updated: 2010-07-08 - 2584 words - Complete

American Dad

Fanfic Title:

"No Brains, No Shirt, No Service"

Opening Credits Scene:

Roger's disguise: Winfrey.

Scene 1:

The Smith Family SUV is parked at a gas station. Francine is waiting for Stan who's in the gas station while Roger and Klaus pester her. Roger is dressed as a Depression-era little boy.

Roger & Klaus (chanting): We want Wizzers! We want Wizzers! We want Wizzers! Wizzers! Wizzers! Wizzers!

Francine (sighs exasparatedly): These two clowns make me so beep mad!

Stan comes out of the gas station.

Francine: Why do you two always butt in on me and Stan's affairs? Hayley and Steve never do.

Roger: Don't mind us, Frannie! Klaus and I just watched 'Very Bad Things' last night.

Klaus: Jah! You should've seen what happened to a prostitute in the movie! Great stuff!

Roger: Believe it or not, Ripley. Stan invited us!

Francine: On our anniversary? When we're supposed to be alone?

Klaus: He wants us to feel like we're part of the family.

Stan comes into the SUV with 2 drinks, chips, and chili dogs.

Stan: Look what I got us, honey. Chili dogs! We'll be like Jack and Diane in that John Mellencamp song!

Francine: Did you really invite them?

Stan: No! Of course not. We have to choice but to take them along. Since they snuck in.

Francine (disgusted): Fine. Stay away from the chili dogs.

Roger: A chili dog? Moi? Those things give me chronic dirreah until 5 in the morning.

Klaus (holding a tube of Preparation H): Ja! and I got just the thing for it!

Roger (angerly): Put that back you German asshole!

Stan: If you don't stop fighting, I'm going to turn this car around!

Scene 2:

Stan, Francine, Roger, and Klaus were all at the beach.

Francine: I'm so glad you didn't forget our anniversary this time around.

Stan: A Smith always learns from his mistakes. Didn't want you to go on another rampage!

Francine (laughs and stops): At least Dizzy and Dopey left us alone!

Stan: I got them a Guitar Hero that plays 60's music. Heard about it on Twitter and then got it on Craigslist!

Roger and Klaus were playing the Guitar Hero in Stan's SUV. Roger was playing guitar while Klaus played the drums.

Roger (singing): You're gonna cry! Cry! Cry! Cry! Now! You're gonna cry! Cry! Cry! Cry! Now! 96 Tears!......C'mon let me hear you cry now! 96 Tears.........

In a distance, Sergei is up in a tree and watching the Smiths through bonoculars. Sergei is unknowingly in his underwear.

Sergei: Excellent! Now I got some dirt to use against Stan! Get my revenge once and for all! Communism will prevail....(notices his lack of pants)

Then a champanzee who was farther up in the tree was squealing as he held us Sergei's pants!

Sergei: You betrayed me Bonzo! You son of a bitch!

Sergei tries to fight Bonzo, but loses and Bonzo runs away with his pants.

Scene 3:

The next day at CIA Headquarters as Stan was going home, Sergei sneaks inside. Bullock is at his desk.

Sergei: Bullock?

Bullock: Sergei! What do you want you commie bastard?

Sergei: I think Stan Smith might be keeping an alien!

Bullock: Bullbeep! I know Stan. He'd never do such a thing! Besides, that alien is long gone!

Sergei: I saw him at the beach yesterday.....

Bullock: You've always had it in for Stan! Get your commie ass out of here before I have you deported!

Sergei leaves the CIA Headquarters despondently, until he sees a remote control in the parking lot that says 'Mind Control' on it.

Sergei (picking up remote control): I may have some use for this......

Later that day, Sergei was lying in wait for Stan to come to his house.

Sergei: Come on out you yankee beep!

Stan comes out of his house and Sergei presses the remote control. Stan is now in a trance and has lost his memory.

Stan: Who am I? Why am I here?

Sergei (walking up to Stan): Let's just say that I am your friend? And you love communism! Your favorite sport is Russian Ballet! Your favorite actors are Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and Dolph Lundgren!

Stan: You're right, I love them!

Scene 4:

Stan is at Sergei's house. Sergei is giving Stan instructions and telling him who he is.

Sergei: You are Stan Smith, my lifelong comrade. And I an Sergei the Great!

Stan: You're Sergei the Great!

Sergei: I have a mission for you. The house across the street is the Smith House.

Sergei shows Stan a picture of his family.

Sergei: This is Francine Smith and her family. They are keeping an alien in their house. They're a family of troublemakers!

Stan: Francine....

Sergei: You will go to there and pretend to be her husband and the kids father. Take pictures of the alien and send the pictures to the CIA!

Stan: Yes, sir. I will obey you!

Sergei: The Smith family house is right across the street.

Stan goes the opposite direction.

Sergei: No! No! This way.

Stan goes to the direction of his house.

Scene 5:

Back at the Smith House, they're wondering why Stan didn't come home.

Francine (looking out the window): Stan didn't come home. And what is he doing at Sergei's?

Hayley: That's very worrysome....

Steve: Yeah, like you care. You keep defying and rebelling against him!

Roger: Oh, look. Here he comes now!

Stan walks into the house.

Stan: Hello! (long pause) Family!

Francine: What were you doing at Sergei's?

Klaus: Were you building a V2 rocket?

Roger: You know a lot about that, don't ya, saurkraut?

Stan: He wanted to tell me a joke. Want to hear it?

Hayley: Okay. This better not be racist or sexist!

Stan: How many yankees does it take to fix a light bulb? None of them! (laughs)

Stan goes upstairs and his family is confused.

Steve: Why would Dad tell an anti-American joke?

Francine: That _was_ weird! He loves his country. Hey, Steve. Why don't you go to Sergei's house and see what him and your father are up to?

Steve: Do you want me to spy on them?

Francine: No, no, no, I just want you to.....

Klaus: Ja, ja, ja, go ahead, spy!

Steve goes to spy on Sergei. For the rest of the day, they observe Stan and notice how weird he's acting. Stan is watching a ballet.

Francine (dusting): Stan? Why are you watching ballet? You hate it! Wouldn't you rather watch the Hoyas?

Stan: Football is an American redneck captialistic sport! I much prefer Russian ballet! Now that's athleticism!

Then at the dinner table.

Stan: Want to know what the worst day of my life was? The day the Berlin Wall fell.

Everyone looks at Stan in utter disbelief.

Scene 6:

The next day, Stan is looking for Roger. Then they unwittingly run into each other.

Stan (sees Roger): You're......Roger!

Roger: Of course I am! Who were you expecting? Ke$ha? Say, I got her album, would you like to hear it?

Stan: Nah, I'd much rather take pictures of you! Would you like that?

Roger: You bet! Are you doing a calendar? If so, can I be October?

Stan: You can be whatever month you want. Then I'll send the pictures to Kim Kardashian!

Roger: I'll do it! Kim Kardashian is my main squeeze! I love her in that reality show she does!

Song: Weezer's Beverly Hills plays

Stan takes pictures of Roger in the attic. Steve just got back from Sergei's and goes to the attic. Without them knowing, Steve sees Stan taking pictures of Roger.

Steve (gasps): I gotta warn Mom!

Song Ends.

Stan was done and runs into Steve.

Stan: Do you know where the bathroom is?

Steve: Don't know you're own house, dumbass? It's over there!

Stan: Thanks, comrade! Down with captialism!

Steve: Weird! Now I know why!

Stan is in the bathroom and calls Sergei from his cellphone.

Stan: Yo, Sergei the Great my main man! I got the pictures of the alien!

Sergei: Greetings, comrade. I assume you're on your way to the CIA?

Stan: Uhhhh, no exactly......

Sergei: Listen you incompetant little......Oh, Stan, Stan! Dear, dear boy! Time is of the essence here! Get your beep over to the CIA and give them those pictures!

Stan: Right sir! (runs to his SUV)

Sergei: Get there right away! Over and out! (hangs up)

Steve: So that's what this is all about! Sergei's controlling Dad's mind!

At Sergei's house as he watches from a distance.

Sergei: Bingo! Bingo! Yes! Yes! Da! Da! Tonight, Sergei the Great destroys the Smith family! (laughs evilly)

Scene 7:

Steve goes to warn his family about what's happened to Stan

Steve: I've been spying! I know what's going on!

Francine: What is it?

Steve: Dad's been acting weird because Sergei has been controlling his mind with a remote controlled mind control device!

Hayley: Oh, no! That's why he's been bashing America and talking like a communist!

Francine: You bash America and talk like a communist all the time, Hayley? Why does that concern you?

Steve: You haven't heard the worst part. Sergei told Dad to take pictures of Roger and he's on his way over the CIA to show them the pictures!

Francine: Let's go! We haven't much time to lose!

Hayley: Dad took the car!

Francine: We'll have to borrow Greg and Terry's car.

Roger (dressed like a Gypsy and panicking): He told me he was going to send those pictures to Kim Kardashian! I knew somehow there was an ulterior motive!

Meanwhile at the CIA, Stan was slowly and surely approaching the enterance.

Stan: Must show these pictures. My name is Stan Smith. I love Russia! My favorite movie is Reds. My favorite sport is ballet, my favorite actors are Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, and Dolph Lundgren!

Right when Stan was about to approach the enterance, Francine drove Greg and Terry's car near Stan.

Francine (getting out of the car): Stan! No! Don't do it!

Hayley: Don't you know who we are? We're your family!

Steve: How could you do this to us? You never defect to the enemy.

Stan: You guys are the enemy! Sergei the Great is my only friend.

Roger: I believe this calls for some telepathy. Believe it or not, I do have powers.

Klaus: You could've told us that from the get-go.

Hayley: Use them, Roger.

Roger: Okay, Stan. Look into my eyes.

Stan does so and Roger's eyes flash in all colors.

Francine: It's like an EEG test!

Roger: Fight Sergei!

Stan slowly and surely goes back to his old self and rips up the pictures of Roger.

Stan: I know who I am! I am Stan Smith! You guys are my family. My favorite movie is The Longest Day! I love football, and my favorite actors are James Colburn and Helen Mirren! I'm an American! Not a Russian communist!

Steve: In the words of Dr. Zoidberg, Hooray! Dad's back!

Francine: We have a mission for you! Go to Bullock and tell him Sergei stole that mind control device.

Stan: I most certainly will.

Stan was about to go inside the CIA and Francine stops him.

Francine: Stanley?

Stan: Yes, beautiful?

Francine (hugs and kisses him): I'm glad you're back!

Stan: It's good to be back!

Scene 8:

Stan was in Bullock's office telling him about his ordeal. And how Sergei stole the mind control device.

Stan: Sir, I'm here to warn you that Sergei has stolen the CIA mind control device.

Bullock: We must stop that commie bastard at once! (points to the viewscreen) Now he looks like he's taken over the neighborhood! Get in the van, Smith! We'll disarm that device and make sure it's never used again!

Stan: Right away, sir. (runs to the CIA van)

Roger comes in dressed in a Geek Squad uniform.

Roger: I want to help! My name is Zach Craff! I work at Geek Squad. I'm great at disarming electronics!

Bullock: Excellent. We can use him. Drive the CIA van to your neighborhood. And stay out of sight until I tell you it's okay.

Stan, Bullock, and Roger all board the CIA van and drive to Stan's neighborhood. Francine and the others drive behind them.

Scene 9:

Sergei used the mind control device on almost everyone in the neighborhood. Greg and Terry, The Whites, and even Snot, Barry, and Toshi.

Sergei: That's right! This whole neighborhood is mine now! All in the name of communism!

Al Tuttle (screaming from a distance): Keep dreams you freak!

Sergei (uses the device on Al Tuttle): Very well, fatass!

Al Tuttle (in a trance): I love Russia!

The CIA van and Greg and Terry's car arrive in the neighborhood.

Sergei: I have taken over by remote control!

At the CIA Van Stan, Bullock, & Roger were about to work the computers inside to disarm the device.

Roger: He wants us to take over.

Stan: What are we waiting for?

Bullock: Turn the dials!

Stan, Roger, and Bullock all turned the dials on the computers and everyone was free from the mind control. The device was destroyed without Sergei's knowing. Bullock then hands Stan a remote control.

Bullock: You know what to do with this....

Stan takes the remote control and gets out of the van.

Sergei: All right you people of Langley Falls, who's next?

Stan (running up to Sergei): You are, ass! (uses the remote control on Sergei)

Sergei (in a trance): Who are you?

Stan: I'm Stan the Magnificent!

Roger: We want you to do stuff for us! Like dances!

Stan: Yeah, first do the electric slide.

Sergei does the electric slide and the whole neighborhood laughs.

Roger: Now, dance like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever! And then strut like he does in Staying Alive!

Sergei does disco dancing and then struts.

Everyone: (laughs)

Roger: Now do the YMCA! And sing it!

Sergei (singing): YMCA! It's fun to stay at the YMCA! It has everything for a man to.....

Stan: Now let's move up to my favorite decade! The eighties! Breakdance!

Sergei breakdances and everyone claps for Stan.

Roger: Flash forward to the nineties, do the Macarena!

Sergei does the Macarena until the collapses into a deep sleep. Everyone goes home.

Bullock: Well done, Smith. You saved us all from certain disaster! (walks back to the van)

Stan: It was a pleasure! (saluting)

The Smith family heads back to their house and goes inside.

Francine: What exactly did you do to Sergei?

Stan: Let's just say the next time he sees an alien, he'll lead someone on a wild goose chase!

Roger: That's what I call poetic justice!

Klaus: Oh, boy! Now I get the last line in the episode and......

Roger smashes Klaus fishbowl.

Roger: Oh, no you di'dnt!

Scene 10 Conclusion:

Sergei awakens from his deep sleep. Then a police car comes and out comes Turlington.

Turlington: No sleeping in the sidewalk!

Sergei: Hello, police officer, sir. I just found an alien!

Turlington: Oh, really? And where is this alien?

Sergei: How about I take you to him. I'll take you there, right now!

Turlington drives to a swamp land and both get out of the car and walk around.

Sergei (leading the way): Just a little farther officer!

Turlington: My patience is wearing thin...

Sergei: He's right up ahead and.....

Turlington: That's it! I'm taking you in!

Sergei: I see him now and (screams)

Turlington leads Sergei back to his police car as he yells and screams in protest.


Closing Credits
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