FicWad

note: This goes by the anime's plot not the manga's. Certain 'things' about Akito are not the same.


Chapter One

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I need anyone. I'm desperate. I'm desperate for someone to love me or pretend to love me. Anything to escape this emptiness in my soul.

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Akito felt his head began to ache in the junction in between his eyes and he almost wanted to let out a groan, but he refrained. These frequent headaches were beginning to get on his already stressed nerves, but Hatori had not provided an answer for him yet, despite his constant badgering. Lolling his head back against the rough cloth of the armchair, he managed to release some of the pressure. He felt his body begin to shiver and his skin prickled as though a cool draft had just wafted through the room.

He was seated rather lazily by the fireplace that had been built in his room, but despite the roaring fire's zealous attempts Akito could feel none of its warmth. Akito felt his fingers twitch oddly of their own accord and his body began to slowly seize up in panic. Not this again...He begged, but his pleas were not heard. The attacks were beginning again.

First Akito felt his mouth grow dry and it seemed to him like his tongue had swelled tenfold in his mouth, a mass of swollen flesh that rolled around in his mouth preventing him from making any coherent sense as he began to cry out wildly. His vision spun as he grasped violently to hold onto the arms of the chair, but still he felt like his feet were being upended from him, tossing him savagely across the room. He tried desperately to stand up, but his knees began to buckle and he felt rough hard wood against his skin.

Tears formed unwanted in his eyes, spilling down, unable to be held in check as the pain in his head doubled till he could barely think. All he could hear was a faint buzzing that drove him crazy and made him want to rip his own ears off. Pain lashed through his body and he felt his arms and legs jerk of their own accord. His indiscernible cries continued, unnoticed like a blade of bent grass on a vast lawn .

The pressure in his head escalated and the climax of his attack approached. Crimson streamed down his face, pouring from his nose as his eyes rolled crazily back in their lids, eyelashes fluttering as though they were trying to defeat some unknown opponent. His back arched on the floor and his hands gripped frenziedly in the air, and when finding nothing tangible to grasp onto his heart spasmed again.

Slowly the tremors subsided and the pain faded from his head, but nothing could erase the throbbing in his heart. He gasped frantically onto the wooden floor, his breath leaving moisture, sticky and wet on it's surface. Tears were falling softly from his eyes and landing with soft splashes on the polished wood, a touch of imperfection marring flawlessness.. He could taste bitter blood on his lips, the sweet pungent tang of life itself and he gently reached his fingertips to brush away the warm liquid only to stare disbelievingly at the deep scarlet that stained the paleness of his hands.

Akito rested his head back down on the hard ground and closed his eyes, trying to hold back his sobs. His arms drew around himself in a steadying embrace, his arms shaking weakly as he struggled to regain control over his weakened body. I called...He thought feverishly to himself...I called but no one answered...no one came...to help...

"Ha...Hatori!" he managed to call out as loud as his struggling lungs would allow him to. Still there was no answer. "I'm all alone...again.." he found himself whispering, a numbness washing over his entire body.

Bracing himself on the ground he gingerly pushed himself up and stood on wobbly feet. His robes hung looser than ever on his scrawny body, barely a frame for the thin cloth to cling to. The room before him swayed back and forth and as Akito tried in vain to take his first step, he stumbled and felt himself smack back down on the ground, a new spurt of blood emerging from his dripping nose. His fingers lay still in defeat, barely twitching as he succumbed to the horrible cold darkness that swallowed up his aching heart and left nothing behind but the empty shell of his being.



Akito woke two hours later, his eyes fluttering open with exhausted reluctance and the first thing he saw was the dried blood pooled out before him. His aching limbs told him that he was still lying on the floor and no one had found him. It figured though, no one was ever in a rush to see him. His pulse seemed to have returned to normal as well as his breathing and he felt his joints crack in protest as he sat up. He shivered, pulling his loose robes tighter around his body and he sat in a huddled silence.

The attacks had started again. He had thought he had gotten rid of them as a young child. A whole different kind of shiver racked his body and he wanted so bad to scream or cry or yell, but none of it would change anything. He could feel it approaching, the silent cold pall of death was looking upon him with a renewed gaze.

"I'm not ready yet.." He gasped wildly, closing his eyes in disbelief as he gripped his hands tight into fists. This wasn't fair at all....not fair at all. How was he supposed to live like this? How was he supposed to continue on with so much pain and no one that was willing to share it with him?

His feet lifted himself up off the ground and he managed to only slid slightly on the smear of his blood. Step after step he managed to slowly stumble his way across the room. He had to find Hatori....had to tell him...Had to tell anyone. He needed someone so badly right now. He didn't care, just as long...as he didn't feel the chilly hands of loneliness squeezing his heart anymore.

He burst into Hatori's office a few minutes later to find the doctor deep in thought. Akito stood their panting for a full minute, too wearied to say anything, for an entire minute before the man looked up at him. Hatori's eyes widened slightly at the sight of blood, but he seemed to shrug it off as a normal occurrence with Akito and looked at him expectantly.

"Yes. What was it that you wanted, Akito." Hatori asked coldly, as though he was annoyed at being interrupted.

Akito stumbled forward a little in disbelief before he managed to regain his cool composure. "It happened again...my attacks..." he managed to say with a reasonable amount of control for his condition.

Hatori 'hmmed' a little and nodded his head. "I'll be sure to write it down in my book. " he said absentmindedly as he turned away and returned to his work.

Akito felt something inside his break and his face tightened up as he struggled to keep control of his emotions. "Yes then..." he whispered venomously as he turned away and stumbled back through the door.

The day was bright and clear and Akito felt himself annoyed by it. Still the peaceful cheeps of the birds drew him to the windowsill and he felt his face twist in a smirk. Cautiously he extended his index finger and sure enough his beautiful fair bird drifted down to rest upon it. Twittering it looked up at him with such trust and devotion in its eyes, the innocence and simplicity of a being that knew naught of the anguish of the heart was evident in this peaceful creature.

It's body crushed amazingly easy in his tight grasp, crimson dripping from his squeezed fist. The bird emitted frightened shrieks, but they were soon silenced as Akito's daft fingers snapped it's neck effortlessly in two. The bird dropped limp from his fingers to plunge down to the floor with a dull thud.

"You see..." Akito whispered softly to the dead bird, his eyes dull and apathetic. "Trust no one...you dumb bird..."

And as Akito's footsteps faded away, the bird lay there in the dust, the shadows soon covering it's blood-covered broken body.


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The bright sun taunted his sore eyes as he stepped out the front door, quickly shutting it behind him. He was dressed in the clothes that a normal teenager should have been wearing. His skin itched at the tightness of the cloth, unused to such restrained clothes. He had never been one much for these kind of things. There was no real point. It's not like he went outside very often anyway.


He turned his face up to the sun, letting his face bask in it's rays, only to find that he disliked the feeling of the sun burning his flesh. His eyes watched the leaves as they drifted lazily back and forth on the trees, restrained only by their branches that kept them from floating away into the world. Soon when it turned to autumn, they would be released, allowed to fly across the sky and find their own spot to rest. And yet there would always been that one little brown leaf, dried and rotting, it's branch still clinging tight onto it, never letting it go. It would never get a opportunity to see the world and it would die alone there on it's branch, jealous of it's brothers that got a chance to soar.

Akito let his breath out slowly, his dark hair falling over his eyes and shading them from all the beauty around him that he despised. It was this whole world that had cursed him, that had rejected him, that had never given him a chance. It wasn't like he had ever wanted much. It wasn't like he was being picky. And now his heart was so full of hate that he couldn't restrain it anymore. It was pouring from him and he was helpless to stem the flow. And everyone blamed him, when...when...

"Akito, what are you doing out here?" Hatori's cold voice cut into his thoughts and Akito quickly spun around in surprise.

"Why is it any of your damn business, Hatori?" Akito retaliated harshly, his eyes flashing.

Hatori's fingers gripped tightly around Akito's upper arm in a grip that would be considered normal to any other person, but to Akito's worn and weakened body it was considerably more painful. "You aren't supposed to go out alone."

"I can do as I please." Akito stated, his eyes cold as he pried Hatori's fingers away from his arm.

"And what if you were to get hurt, or lost or..." Hatori began.

"Oh yes, let's think of that, Hatori. If I was to die, then I wouldn't be here to suffer for your stupid little curse, now would I?" Akito said sarcastically. "What a shame that would be. But why the hell does it matter anyway. We all know I'm going to die soon. Why not just make it sooner? No one would freaking care...no one would care at all."

"Akito, it's my job to take care of you. You are very weak now and if you were to have another attack out in the street..." Hatori rationalized, but Akito was beyond rational thinking.

"Yes, exactly, it's just your job, nothing more. It's not like you really care. I'm leaving for a while." Akito said simply as he turned away and started to walk out onto the street and away from the Sohma estate.

The summer afternoon was bright in contrast to Akito's sombre mood. The streets were full of people at this time of day. Akito knew not which day it was, but he figured that it had to be a school day considering that fact that boys and girls of various ages were wandering around in their school uniforms, probably on their way home from school.

Akito's eyes lingered over the faces of the people that passed him by. They had their lives ahead of them, no matter how long or how short, they were not burdened with the knowledge. They could lives their lives happily because no matter if it was true or not, they could always look forward to the future ahead of them. They had no reason to fear death because they could believe in a long future. They could look forward to the next morning, thinking of it as a renewal and a new chance to carve a future for themselves, when all he could think of it was one less day that he had left to live.

Akito's eyes hardened. All these people here, would never understand what it was to be him. They would never know the pain. They were all born for a purpose and the only purpose Akito was to serve was his death. This wasn't life, this was just a lie. All he could do was watch them all, going on with their lives, and he would sit there inside of that empty house, separated from the world by a sheet of glass. Staring out the window he would watch for hours at what he knew he would never be able to get.

When he was younger he had cried himself to sleep many times, the tears soaking his pillow, but he soon discovered that tears would change nothing. The more that he cried the more that everyone just said that he was afraid, that he was spoiled, that he was selfish. The truth was that, yes, he was afraid of death that loomed inevitably in his future, he was scared of not living anymore. As a kid it's hard to handle that burden, but he was forced to carry it. It had all been decided when he had born and no one had even asked him. The more he grew up, the more he hurt and the more that he released that sorrow onto others.


Akito drifted down past the park, his feet sounding oddly loud on the pavement as he ran his hands through his dark hair. A cynical smirk drifted onto his lips. All these people would find the truth out one day. They would realize that people aren't beautiful, they're ugly creatures yearning for their own desires, willing to hurt others to get what they want. They were all so ignorant. Didn't they realize that they would spend their entire lives working for something only to find that it meant absolutely nothing at all? Still he envied them. In their ignorance they were able to find happiness, unlike him.

Akito's body grew tired speedily, his feet slowed as he wandered over to a park bench and sat down. He was beginning to grow annoyed with the noise of the city and the people that he despised so greatly, but his body was too tired to move him from that spot. He hated that he was so weak, that this body was slowly fading away from him no matter how hard that he tried to keep it going. He looked down at his palm and slowly squeezed his hand into his fist. He needed so bad to hurt something, but there was no one and nothing he could take his anger out on right now. It would just have to remain all in his aching heart for now.


The afternoon faded away into evening, dying as it did everyday, letting a darkness surround the earth. Akito was still sitting silent on that park bench when the street lamps clicked on, their sickening yellow glow flickering and causing shadows to form on his features. Slowly he stood and turned down the abandoned streets. The night seemed to beckon him, but he knew he must return. He no longer had a desire to see the world. He wanted nothing more than to be home where he could do as he pleased, even if it hurt to be trapped inside of there.

The streets were quiet. Akito enjoyed the silence very much. It was the kind of lonely hurting silence that he was so accustomed to. Even though it was painful, it was something that he enjoyed. Shadows cast heavily on his face, shadows of melancholy, silhouettes of detestation. His footsteps were heavy with the weight of his soul.

The night was cool and a light breeze tugged at the ends of his shirt, making it move gently back and forth. His hair fell down to leave his face deep in the shadows, as though when you stared into his face you were staring into the face of nothing itself, an endless pit of stagnant emotion that pulled you in, an infinite void.

Down the darkened streets he went, past glowing neon signs, past tramps on the street, past all the ruffians out in the street and the crazy parties. All that which he could not relate to. All that which he begun to hate. He despised the crowd of people as they swarmed around going about their little insignificant lives. Why did they try so hard? Didn't they all know that it was all worthless because they were just going to die in the end. Why did they work and sweat for all these things that would mean nothing to them in the end?

Akito felt a sudden urge grow within him. This wild desire that burnt through his veins, that coursed through his very being. It was calling to him and his soul longed to answer. He yearned to feel their throats in his hands, crushing those delicate slim necks, hearing them scream as he felt the fear coursing through their bodies. He wanted their blood to spill fresh and crimson onto his hands and he would laugh because he knew this was true life. It was nothing, but a pathetic lie and the only thing that could ever come from it was death itself.


He turned away from the main street, his breath coming in short as he gasped trying to restrain his mounting desires. Into the alleyway he fled, unable to take the noise and the crowd any longer. Filth littered the cement ground in the tiny space between the two buildings, old cardboards boxes littered here and there and bright graffiti painted on the walls. He leaned against its slimy surface for a moment, trying to regain his composure.

His eyes rolled back in his head and he moaned. This desire was too overwhelming. It was more than he'd ever felt before. It was almost like...he was coming alive just thinking about that pure sweet blood and how it must taste on his lips, smearing on his face, dripping down onto the ground. He pounded his fist hard against the rough bricks trying to clear his head, but it only made things worse when he saw the blood accumulating on a small wound on his hand.

It was only a small drop of blood, that ran like a tear down his hands, looking so horribly tainted as it ran down his pale innocent skin. It burned like fire on his skin and his soul lapped it up like it was holy water. Blood was truly the most beautiful thing in the world.

Akito rose from his daze with fearful eyes and he stared down at his bleeding hand in horror.

"What have I become?" he asked weakly as he began to stumble along, deeper into the maze of confusing alleys. His whole mind was becoming confused. So many things that seemed like illusions, passing visions of hatred and violence that just would not go away. They haunted his every step until he had no idea if he even existed anymore.

A scream interrupted his thoughts and he dodged back into the alley where he had just come from. Peering through the shadows of darkness he glimpsed a young girl out on the dark street. Another man, tall, shadows obscuring his features had appeared and grabbed her tightly by the wrist.

"Shut your fucking mouth before I blast your frickin' brains out." His harsh voice threatened as he pressed a gun up hard against her head.

The girl whimpered and Akito just see a sparkle of tears in the sick glow of the streetlight. The thug dragged her into the nearby corner where no one could see what he was doing. Akito sighed and walked out of the alleyway and down the street. The screams of the girl faded away into the night, her frighten yells begging for anyone to save her were nothing but an annoying buzz to Akito's ears. He didn't even flinch when a loud gunshot was heard, silencing the night.

The moon was high in the sky, leering over the world by the time that Akito reached the Sohma estate once more. He was again stoic, his heart overcome with the stillness and solitude of his sadistic being. It was though something inside him had twisted, disabling him from feeling anything. And true night descended upon him and he felt a new sort of longing. A longing for the beautiful flesh, and pain, and suffering. Ah yes, sweet ecstasy.