Categories > Original > Drama > The Caffeinated Diaries
19th July 2010.
21:59, TL.
I'm going to plot down my main problems at them minute:
"Depression"
Self-Harm
Self-conscience
Being female.
I need to talk about this. So bad, it's unreal. To someone. But for now, I'll type.
Every day. Every morning I wake up I pray for some sort of miracle that maybe I'm not a girl, every night before I go to bed I curse that I'm going to wake up as a girl. It's hard to understand, and even harder for me to type out. It'll probably come out all crap and sarcastic. How I cover things up.
I don't feel female inside. I laugh and complain jokingly that I want to be a guy. But I know I'm being serious. Sometimes it drives me so insane. I feel sick sometimes when I look at myself. I hate having to say or write or whatever that I'm female. People looking at me and treating me as female. I don't like it. Sometimes I just want to end my life, because I'm female. I know I'm doing a crap job of explaining this to myself and anyone who for some reason found this. No one has notice, but when I write stories, I never write it as a girl's P.O.V. I just had to point that out.
Yes, I wear make-up and wearing female clothes, because how can I not? I would love to go out looking like a guy, because that's how I feel, but I can't. I won't. Because I don't want people to think things of me. Yes. I care what people think of me. It scares me to no end that I know that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life. I've cried, cried and cut myself over being who I am. It sounds patheic but it cuts through you like a steak knife. It goes through your head in every little thing you do.
This is the frist time I've ever talked about this properly, to anyone really, in any sort of way. I mean, this is the first time I've ever really showen those thoughts to myself even. It's scary. I always think what I'd be like if I was a guy. How my life would be like. Typing this out really made me realize I am going to be like this forever.
21:59, TL.
I'm going to plot down my main problems at them minute:
"Depression"
Self-Harm
Self-conscience
Being female.
I need to talk about this. So bad, it's unreal. To someone. But for now, I'll type.
Every day. Every morning I wake up I pray for some sort of miracle that maybe I'm not a girl, every night before I go to bed I curse that I'm going to wake up as a girl. It's hard to understand, and even harder for me to type out. It'll probably come out all crap and sarcastic. How I cover things up.
I don't feel female inside. I laugh and complain jokingly that I want to be a guy. But I know I'm being serious. Sometimes it drives me so insane. I feel sick sometimes when I look at myself. I hate having to say or write or whatever that I'm female. People looking at me and treating me as female. I don't like it. Sometimes I just want to end my life, because I'm female. I know I'm doing a crap job of explaining this to myself and anyone who for some reason found this. No one has notice, but when I write stories, I never write it as a girl's P.O.V. I just had to point that out.
Yes, I wear make-up and wearing female clothes, because how can I not? I would love to go out looking like a guy, because that's how I feel, but I can't. I won't. Because I don't want people to think things of me. Yes. I care what people think of me. It scares me to no end that I know that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life. I've cried, cried and cut myself over being who I am. It sounds patheic but it cuts through you like a steak knife. It goes through your head in every little thing you do.
This is the frist time I've ever talked about this properly, to anyone really, in any sort of way. I mean, this is the first time I've ever really showen those thoughts to myself even. It's scary. I always think what I'd be like if I was a guy. How my life would be like. Typing this out really made me realize I am going to be like this forever.
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