FicWad

Beautiful

My body is trembling as my fingers grip tightly onto the edge of the sink. My green eyes gaze at my reflection, my breath hitching slightly. What are these thoughts invading my mind?

I raise one shaking hand and run it through my brown locks. It's not too late to say no. I can just leave and forget these thoughts ever ensnared my mind. Yes, I just have to get up and leave.

But, it's only once after all, right? I know that's a lie, but I desperately want to believe. I want to be able to return to it. I need so desperately just to experience it one more time.

I pull away from the sink and turn my head so I don't have to look into my own shamed eyes. I'm disgusting.

Disgusting, pathetic, so incredibly sinful. Even as I know this I kneel down in front of the porcelain toilet, my fingers trailing to my mouth.

I'm not going to get into this again...or at least that's my chant as my finger creeps to the back of my throat. I feel myself gag and tears come to my eyes, but it's not quite enough. I try again and this time I feel a twist in my stomach. My dinner empties itself from my body in a rush.

My mouth tastes putrid and burns slightly, my whole body shivering. I guess I can't escape after all. I'm still here in this cold, white tiled room on my knees once again.

I slump against the wall and bury my head in my hands. I don't want to acknowledge the hot tears that burn down my cheeks. This isn't me. I'm not this broken.

The bathroom door opens, but I don't even look up. I just want to hide my face, but a hand reaches down to catch my chin and forces me to look up.

His crimson eyes bore deep within me as he spoke firmly "You are beautiful."

Something inside me tears, the strength leaving my body. He has no reason to say such a thing to a monster like me. If he only understood, if he could only see.

I feel my tears being brushed from my cheeks, but I push his hand away in protest. I'm so weak right now it's pathetic. No one should see me like this. It's too..too shameful.

My eyes slide close and I refuse to acknowledge him any longer. Maybe if I just pretend, he'll go away.

"Gojyo?" comes a feminine voice from the hallway. Apparently he's brought a friend home with him.

"I'll be there in a sec, babe." His smooth voice calls out and I flinch.

Suddenly I realize I don't want him to leave, I need him. I feel my shaking increase and my eyes snap open.

Gojyo is no longer kneeling in front of me, but watches me wearily from the doorway. There's such an odd glint in his eyes, as if he were very far away.

"We all have different ways of dealing with our pain." He says softly before turning on his heel and leaving me sitting there alone.

I tremble slightly as I hear him greet his woman friend. Not even minutes later I already hear them moving for the bedroom and my stomach twists once again.

That's when I realize Gojyo can't help me. After all, he can't even help himself.