FicWad

I have always been a sinner. I have always been a pathetic excuse for a human being. But it was not until recently that I have begun to accept that I am much worse than this all. I am an abomination.

When I was much younger, I had noticed that I was not similar to the others around me. The thoughts that clouded my mind were not appropriate for someone of my age. They were not appropriate for someone of my gender. I had been aware of this at the time. Yet, I found a guilty pleasure in thinking these thoughts. And so when they would creep back into my head, I did nothing but enjoy the feelings that overtook me.

As I grew older though, I became more conscious of that fact that these thoughts needed to be taken in a serious manner. I had been taught throughout my life that what I had been feeling since my youth was wrong. My entire existence was immoral.

I was destined for hell for something in which I could not control.

And so I attempted to alter these sinful feelings. When that did not have the slightest effect I decided to ignore these emotions. While this method had succeeded for a short amount of time, it was not enough to end these thoughts completely. They appeared in everyone I saw. They appeared in everything I did. And they appeared in every dream I dreamt, forcing me to awake in a cold sweat as I clawed frantically at my brain.

It was then that I felt I had no other option but to accept the fate that had been handed to me.

And I had known all along that there was no shame in being who I was. I did not understand why someone of my kind should be viewed as doing any wrong. But it had been the others who have flooded my mind with the nonsense that people like me were not worthy of life itself. To them, we had decided to live immorally. We had decided to differ from the rest. And they would not accept us for our decisions.

But we did not choose this life. We did not choose to be looked down upon. We did not choose to hated, discriminated against. We did not choose to feel the shame that others placed upon us.

It is not a decision to be oneself. It is a predestined fate.

And the failure to realize this forces me to feel that I must keep my true self hidden. Others’ ignorance instills a fear in me that I cannot rid of. It is a fear that has caused me to conclude that revealing myself may be too risky of a move. I have everything to lose and nothing to gain.

And so I keep it all a secret. I refuse to allow anyone to learn of the shame and the guilt in which I am feeling. I refuse to love myself for who I am.

And it sickens me to know that this all is simply because I wear the colors of the rainbow.