FicWad

I didn’t sleep that night. Instead I tossed and turned and fretted over the days’ events. I felt a fool for leaving Gerard like that, without an answer. I was a monster, and a freak; what normal kid sees ghosts? But number one of my concerns was the strange, ghostly woman who answered many questions that had been lurking at the back of my mind, though she created many more questions left unanswered. When Monday morning finally came around I was dragged, almost literally, out of bed by my mom and kicked, almost literally, out of the front door. I trudged to school and waited for Mikey by the school gate, not daring to glance across the street to the cherry blossom tree.

My thoughts started to overwhelm me, grabbing my conscious attention and pulling it inside myself, so that I was oblivious to the outside world. Over and over, I replayed the happenings of the day before; the embrace; the kiss; the curious woman who interrupted that perfect moment; and the heartless way I rejected Gerard. I’m a monster, just a monster. I chomped on my lip, hard; it was my way of relieving stress. Then there was the other great steaming problem dumped on my plate. Some strange woman who wanted me to go running after ghosts with her, well fuck that. I’m only doing it cause who else do they have to help them over to ‘the other side’ or whatever. By the way this woman was talking about it; it seems this is the natural order of things. It’s my duty, so I’ll do it.

When Mikey finally turned up, I had almost chewed my fucking lip off. He gave me a quizzical little smile, one eyebrow arched into his meticulously styled hair. We exchanged apologies for the argument we had on Saturday, we’re like an old couple in that respect; we always fight, but we always forgive. Mikey cracked a vague joke about me hallucinating; we both laughed and headed for the main building to begin our lessons.

Mikey was the year above me, and thus we didn’t have any classes together. So I had the whole of the day to mull over the mess of my life and conclude that I fucked up big time. Though I already had a feeling that in the end I would come to that conclusion. The next step was to decide what I was going to do about it. The only logical thing to do was to end it before it began, a relationship wouldn’t do either of us any good.

Then there was the next problem, the ghost hunting session I’m scheduled for after school tomorrow. What have I gotten myself into? I don’t even know the name of miss freaky-mediator-lets-go-prancing-after-ghosts-woman, who is quite clearly the only person who could possibly explain the freak-show of my life to me which doesn’t leave me much choice as to whether I want to help her. Regrettably, I forced myself to accept that I was stuck into it now. Fuck my life.

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-Gerard’s point of view-

“I have to go Gerard. It’s late. I’ll see you around.”

He said in a tone of voice I knew meant that he regretted saying it. But I knew, I knew that no amount of regret on his part would make it all better. He kisses me then decides he doesn’t want to know me. Not that I’d blame him. ‘Cause who am I kidding? The dead and the living do not fall in love, because they’d simply fall apart. I saw him on Monday morning, he knew I’d be here, sitting under the cherry blossom tree, but he wouldn’t even turn his head towards me. That hurt, to be longing for him so strongly and to see he was to cowardly to even look at me.

Frank was leaning against the wall, hands shoved into pockets, and gaze fixed on the ground in front of his feet. He was chewing on his lip furiously, probably fretting over the little play date he had with Miss Julietta Tuesday night. Yes, I know who she is, that’s what I was trying to tell Frank. I’m scared, you see, because I know what she’s going to drag him into. I’m so, so scared; I don’t want Frank to end up like me. I don’t want him to be killed before he really lived.

I choked up a little as I saw a young man walk towards Frank; he was tall and thin, mousy brown hair and wore glasses perched on the end of his nose. Mikey, my dear kid brother Mikey. I felt my heart pang with pain as if barbed wire was wrapped around it, tightening with every breath. He was all grown up; he was already older than his big brother. I remember looking in on his seventeenth birthday, a quiet family occasion marred by the discomfort of a dead son, forced smiles on everyone’s faces. I stayed with him that night, he didn’t know I was there of course, and I watched as he wept into his pillow. The tears did not stop until he finally exhausted himself and gave in to sleep. That hurt to watch. It hurt to see my family torn apart because I was such a fool.

My thoughts were shaken back into the present as I heard something that had become just a memory; Mikey was laughing. Not his real, heartfelt one, but the chuckle for a joke. I looked up and, sure enough, Frank was making my little brother smile, when all I could do was make him cry. I felt a failure as a brother. It was my duty to make Mikey happy, to protect him; I was his best goddamn friend! Tears welled up in my eyes as the voice of reason spoke up, ‘No, he was your best friend, because you didn’t have any others.’ I slumped against the tree, damn that voice, always being right.

I looked up again, catching sight of Frank and Mikey heading towards the school building. I let the tears break over now, knowing that I’d never be part of my kid brothers life again, it’s not like anyone’s going to see me anyway. I pulled my knees into my chest, wrapping my arms around them, sobbing. Sobbing for the family I’ve lost, for the love that will never be, and for the sickening loneliness I felt.