Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
THE BOOK OF SCOOT (THE BEGINNING)
(’CAUSE IT’S A GOOD PLACE TO START)
In the beginning, there was something.
But no one knoweth what it was, yet, though no one knoweth what it was, it is said to have been good.
Very, very good.
Whatever it was, it was so good, the Ancient Gods didst fight and kill the Titans over it, though no one knoweth from whence the Titans came.
It was damn good.
To celebrate their brutal victory, all of the Ancient Gods didst get together and have a great feast.
From Egypt came the Sun God Aman Ra; Osiris, God of the Dead, and his wife, Isis, and baby Horus; the dreaded Set; Anubis, the Jackal of the Netherworld; that bird-brained moon-god, Thoth; Ptah the artisan of Memphis (the only one who didst not look like he was dressed for Halloween) and his lion-headed wife, Sekhmet the Plague-Bringer; Hathor the Feminist, and Goddess of Free Love; and so came their entourage.
From Olympus came Zeus the Thunderer and his lovely wife Hera (and hanging on his arm, of course, the young intern nymph, Monica); Poseidon, Ruler of the Seas; Hades of the Underworld, and his gangland cronies, as well as the beautiful Persephone (custody case still pending); Pallas Athena, bespectacled Goddess of Wisdom, and her two beautiful sisters, Aphrodite, the Slut of the Gods, and Artemis the mighty virgin Huntress; Ares, the God of War, and his Joint Chiefs of Staff; and Dionysus, the God of Partying Down, as there is no such thing as a great party without him; and so came their entourage.
From Asgard (where they still didst battle the Frost Giants over Whatever It Was), came wise one-eyed Odin, and his wife, Frigga; and Thor of the Whomping Hammer and his wife, Sif; Loki, the Doer of Good and the Doer of Evil; the venturesome god, Frey and his sister, Freya; the great swordsman Tyr; Iduna, Keeper of the Golden Apples of Eternal Youth, and her husband, Bragi, the God whose tales have no end; Baldur the Innocent and his blind brother, Hödur; as well as Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Horses; and so came their entourage.
From Babylon came Anu of the North Star; Enlil, who lost the Tablets of Destiny to his gambling habit; Ishtar, Goddess of Love and War; the Rainmaker Adad; Girru, the God of Fire; from Arabia came Ahura Mazda, the Source of all Goodness and Light, and his shadow, Ahriman, the God of Evil; from Africa, the trickster Eshu; and so came their entourage.
From the Far East came Brahma the Creator: Vishnu the Preserver; and Kali the Destroyer, the multi-armed Death Goddess; the Jade Emperor and his entourage; the Merciful Goddess, Kuan Yin, the War Prince Nataku, and Lao Tsu with his latest alchemic creations; the Monkey King, and Great Sage Equal to Heaven, Son Goku, and his monkey entourage; Ganesha, the God of Worldly Wisdom; Mu King, God of Yang, and Hsi Wang Mu, Goddess of Yin; the lightning god Rayden, greatest fighter of the Elder Gods; Dai-koku, God of Wealth; and so came their entourage.
And from the largely uncharted Western Hemisphere came the War God Huitzilopochtli; Miclantecutli, God of the Dead; Huiracocha, the Sun God; Gucumatz, the Plumed Serpent; Ikto, Creator of Words; the great Thunderbird Wakinyan; Kokopelli, the Spirit of Music and Creativity; les Mystéres Baron Samedi, Guardian of the Cemetery, and Baron de la Croix and Captain Zombi; Madame Pélée of the short fuse; the Tiki Gods didst crash the party uninvited; and so came their entourage.
And they didst gather and have a great feast. And there was eating, and the drinking of Wine, the smoking of the Pipe, and finally, of course, the eating of the ’Shrooms, which Loki didst provide in the guise of hors d’oeuvres.
And so it came to pass that the world was formed by the pipe-dreams of the Ancient Gods; all of Reality was a figment of their imaginations.
And they didst have a bad trip, a very, very bad trip.
‘Whoa! Verily I say,’ quoth Dionysus, ‘this is some good shit!’
The Ancient Gods didst decide to have parties such as this all the time, which caused many a strange and disturbing thing to happen in the reality of the mortal world.
But as time wore on, the Ancient Gods didst grow old and become flabby and weak, and Quetzalcoatl, the Great Aztec God of the Billowing White Wings didst finally return unto the land of Mexica, as a sign of the end of the reign of the Western Gods.
On that fateful day, tired of the reign of the Ancient Gods, some angry, uptight fool didst think up an upstart bitch called Jehovah, who sprang forth from his forehead armed with Guillotines, crosses and kerosene to overthrow the Ancient Gods.
Through persecution, book-burning, witch-hunting, and bloody crusades Jehovah didst depose the Ancient Gods, and didst place them in an old folks home.
And Jehovah didst start a worldwide propaganda campaign and didst claim credit for the world which the Ancient Gods’ bad trip didst create.
After that, Jehovah didst spread ignorance, intolerance and uptightness, and didst take all the fun out of religion; there were no more orgies, no more sacrifices, and no more strange and disturbing quests for great heroes.
And for two thousand years didst Jehovah campaign to destroy all other views but his own, save for some who didst continue to resist his will.
Two of these were open-minded young men called Matt and Derrick, who had grown tired of being mortals, and they didst decide to become Gods.
To this end, they didst go unto the Sensory Deprivation Tanks and they didst stay in there for a hell of a lot longer than anyone should. In time, their consciousness didst become one with the Universe and they didst become Gods.
And Derrick didst become the God of Fist-Pounding, of Dammit, of Stupidity, of Orange Juice Drinking, of Humor, of Hawai’ian Shirts, of Magic, and of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.
And Matt didst become the God of Everything Else.
‘Sensory deprivation doth kick ass!’ they didst agree.
‘Now that we are become Gods, what the fuck shall we do?’ spake Derrick.
‘Verily I say, we shall call ourselves the Gods of Hondo,’ spake Matt. And a wickèd smile didst cross his face. ‘Reality is about to be hijacked.’
As they both didst agree this was a fun idea, they didst set forth to hijack Reality.
And to this end, they didst do battle with Jehovah.
And ’twas with radical force that the mighty Gods of Hondo didst subdue the agèd deity. And so the Gods of Hondo didst lock Jehovah in the closet and would not let him out.
They then subdued Jesus and didst stuff him into a pet-porter, but promised to let him out at the next millennium if he didst behave himself.
Then didst the Gods of Hondo let the Ancient Gods out of the old folks home and didst give them a decent retirement plan, and a better price for their medication.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Thou hast defeated the anal Jehovah and made the world safe for fun!’ the Archangel Michael didst proclaim from the end of his cute new leash, ‘What wilt thou do next?’
‘We shall go unto Disneyland!’ spake the Gods of Hondo in unison, and with great enthusiasm.
(’CAUSE IT’S A GOOD PLACE TO START)
In the beginning, there was something.
But no one knoweth what it was, yet, though no one knoweth what it was, it is said to have been good.
Very, very good.
Whatever it was, it was so good, the Ancient Gods didst fight and kill the Titans over it, though no one knoweth from whence the Titans came.
It was damn good.
To celebrate their brutal victory, all of the Ancient Gods didst get together and have a great feast.
From Egypt came the Sun God Aman Ra; Osiris, God of the Dead, and his wife, Isis, and baby Horus; the dreaded Set; Anubis, the Jackal of the Netherworld; that bird-brained moon-god, Thoth; Ptah the artisan of Memphis (the only one who didst not look like he was dressed for Halloween) and his lion-headed wife, Sekhmet the Plague-Bringer; Hathor the Feminist, and Goddess of Free Love; and so came their entourage.
From Olympus came Zeus the Thunderer and his lovely wife Hera (and hanging on his arm, of course, the young intern nymph, Monica); Poseidon, Ruler of the Seas; Hades of the Underworld, and his gangland cronies, as well as the beautiful Persephone (custody case still pending); Pallas Athena, bespectacled Goddess of Wisdom, and her two beautiful sisters, Aphrodite, the Slut of the Gods, and Artemis the mighty virgin Huntress; Ares, the God of War, and his Joint Chiefs of Staff; and Dionysus, the God of Partying Down, as there is no such thing as a great party without him; and so came their entourage.
From Asgard (where they still didst battle the Frost Giants over Whatever It Was), came wise one-eyed Odin, and his wife, Frigga; and Thor of the Whomping Hammer and his wife, Sif; Loki, the Doer of Good and the Doer of Evil; the venturesome god, Frey and his sister, Freya; the great swordsman Tyr; Iduna, Keeper of the Golden Apples of Eternal Youth, and her husband, Bragi, the God whose tales have no end; Baldur the Innocent and his blind brother, Hödur; as well as Epona, the Celtic Goddess of Horses; and so came their entourage.
From Babylon came Anu of the North Star; Enlil, who lost the Tablets of Destiny to his gambling habit; Ishtar, Goddess of Love and War; the Rainmaker Adad; Girru, the God of Fire; from Arabia came Ahura Mazda, the Source of all Goodness and Light, and his shadow, Ahriman, the God of Evil; from Africa, the trickster Eshu; and so came their entourage.
From the Far East came Brahma the Creator: Vishnu the Preserver; and Kali the Destroyer, the multi-armed Death Goddess; the Jade Emperor and his entourage; the Merciful Goddess, Kuan Yin, the War Prince Nataku, and Lao Tsu with his latest alchemic creations; the Monkey King, and Great Sage Equal to Heaven, Son Goku, and his monkey entourage; Ganesha, the God of Worldly Wisdom; Mu King, God of Yang, and Hsi Wang Mu, Goddess of Yin; the lightning god Rayden, greatest fighter of the Elder Gods; Dai-koku, God of Wealth; and so came their entourage.
And from the largely uncharted Western Hemisphere came the War God Huitzilopochtli; Miclantecutli, God of the Dead; Huiracocha, the Sun God; Gucumatz, the Plumed Serpent; Ikto, Creator of Words; the great Thunderbird Wakinyan; Kokopelli, the Spirit of Music and Creativity; les Mystéres Baron Samedi, Guardian of the Cemetery, and Baron de la Croix and Captain Zombi; Madame Pélée of the short fuse; the Tiki Gods didst crash the party uninvited; and so came their entourage.
And they didst gather and have a great feast. And there was eating, and the drinking of Wine, the smoking of the Pipe, and finally, of course, the eating of the ’Shrooms, which Loki didst provide in the guise of hors d’oeuvres.
And so it came to pass that the world was formed by the pipe-dreams of the Ancient Gods; all of Reality was a figment of their imaginations.
And they didst have a bad trip, a very, very bad trip.
‘Whoa! Verily I say,’ quoth Dionysus, ‘this is some good shit!’
The Ancient Gods didst decide to have parties such as this all the time, which caused many a strange and disturbing thing to happen in the reality of the mortal world.
But as time wore on, the Ancient Gods didst grow old and become flabby and weak, and Quetzalcoatl, the Great Aztec God of the Billowing White Wings didst finally return unto the land of Mexica, as a sign of the end of the reign of the Western Gods.
On that fateful day, tired of the reign of the Ancient Gods, some angry, uptight fool didst think up an upstart bitch called Jehovah, who sprang forth from his forehead armed with Guillotines, crosses and kerosene to overthrow the Ancient Gods.
Through persecution, book-burning, witch-hunting, and bloody crusades Jehovah didst depose the Ancient Gods, and didst place them in an old folks home.
And Jehovah didst start a worldwide propaganda campaign and didst claim credit for the world which the Ancient Gods’ bad trip didst create.
After that, Jehovah didst spread ignorance, intolerance and uptightness, and didst take all the fun out of religion; there were no more orgies, no more sacrifices, and no more strange and disturbing quests for great heroes.
And for two thousand years didst Jehovah campaign to destroy all other views but his own, save for some who didst continue to resist his will.
Two of these were open-minded young men called Matt and Derrick, who had grown tired of being mortals, and they didst decide to become Gods.
To this end, they didst go unto the Sensory Deprivation Tanks and they didst stay in there for a hell of a lot longer than anyone should. In time, their consciousness didst become one with the Universe and they didst become Gods.
And Derrick didst become the God of Fist-Pounding, of Dammit, of Stupidity, of Orange Juice Drinking, of Humor, of Hawai’ian Shirts, of Magic, and of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.
And Matt didst become the God of Everything Else.
‘Sensory deprivation doth kick ass!’ they didst agree.
‘Now that we are become Gods, what the fuck shall we do?’ spake Derrick.
‘Verily I say, we shall call ourselves the Gods of Hondo,’ spake Matt. And a wickèd smile didst cross his face. ‘Reality is about to be hijacked.’
As they both didst agree this was a fun idea, they didst set forth to hijack Reality.
And to this end, they didst do battle with Jehovah.
And ’twas with radical force that the mighty Gods of Hondo didst subdue the agèd deity. And so the Gods of Hondo didst lock Jehovah in the closet and would not let him out.
They then subdued Jesus and didst stuff him into a pet-porter, but promised to let him out at the next millennium if he didst behave himself.
Then didst the Gods of Hondo let the Ancient Gods out of the old folks home and didst give them a decent retirement plan, and a better price for their medication.
And there was much rejoicing.
‘Thou hast defeated the anal Jehovah and made the world safe for fun!’ the Archangel Michael didst proclaim from the end of his cute new leash, ‘What wilt thou do next?’
‘We shall go unto Disneyland!’ spake the Gods of Hondo in unison, and with great enthusiasm.
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