Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘Wow!’ spake Derrick as they didst watch Pippin TV, ‘verily I say that was a kick-ass show!’
‘Five fuckin’ stars!’ David added.
‘But thou art still not able to upstage me,’ spake Bree, the Goddess of Being Mean.
‘Hell yeah!’ spake Matt. ‘Who would have thought Pippin the Bastard wouldst go back to work and slip acid in the new drink machine?’
‘Or that the whole town wouldst start trippin’ out?’ spake Derrick. ‘And Pippin didst tell his boss that God had called in sick today, and he was His replacement?’
‘Or that part where the village bicycle was found passed out just out of town after a joyride down Main Street?’ spake Heidi.
‘Or how the entire Football Team ended up with fishes stuck up their ass!’ spake David.
‘Or how they found out that the Great Othwog was still alive, and that Pippin’s bastard son had to go back in time and kill it!’ spake Matt.
‘Or when Pippin found out that Darth Vader was really his father!’ spake Derrick, the God of Stupidity.
‘What the fuck art thou talking about!?’ the others didst demand in unison.
‘Hey!’ cried a shrill voice from the closet, ‘why didst thou have to tell me? Didst thou not know I hath not see that yet?’
‘Thou hast not?’ spake Matt. ‘Thou art pathetic!’
‘I was a busy God…’
‘Pipe down there!’ spake Matt as he didst tap the closet door with his broom.
‘Or who would have guessed that Pippin’s boss wouldst turn out to be an inbred Hick?’ spake Bree.
‘Aye!’ Matt didst laugh. ‘When the old family tree doth get cut down to a “family shrub” it doth not cover much!’
‘Especially once thou’rt in the shallow end of the gene pool!’ spake David.
‘But what wouldst thou call the offspring of a man and his sister?’ spake Derrick.
‘I believe such a thing wouldst be called a ‘couser’ or a ‘sonner’ if ’twas with his mother,’ spake Matt. ‘For either way, ’twould be one fucked-up family tree. How wouldst thou chart that?…’
‘I wonder,’ spake Bree, ‘if Pippin wilt ever get his pants back. For he really wasn’t much to look at.’
‘Hey!’ spake David, ‘let us watch something else now. I am become bored with Pippin the Bastard.’
And so the Gods of Hondo didst spend the next hour fighting over the Remote.
‘Five fuckin’ stars!’ David added.
‘But thou art still not able to upstage me,’ spake Bree, the Goddess of Being Mean.
‘Hell yeah!’ spake Matt. ‘Who would have thought Pippin the Bastard wouldst go back to work and slip acid in the new drink machine?’
‘Or that the whole town wouldst start trippin’ out?’ spake Derrick. ‘And Pippin didst tell his boss that God had called in sick today, and he was His replacement?’
‘Or that part where the village bicycle was found passed out just out of town after a joyride down Main Street?’ spake Heidi.
‘Or how the entire Football Team ended up with fishes stuck up their ass!’ spake David.
‘Or how they found out that the Great Othwog was still alive, and that Pippin’s bastard son had to go back in time and kill it!’ spake Matt.
‘Or when Pippin found out that Darth Vader was really his father!’ spake Derrick, the God of Stupidity.
‘What the fuck art thou talking about!?’ the others didst demand in unison.
‘Hey!’ cried a shrill voice from the closet, ‘why didst thou have to tell me? Didst thou not know I hath not see that yet?’
‘Thou hast not?’ spake Matt. ‘Thou art pathetic!’
‘I was a busy God…’
‘Pipe down there!’ spake Matt as he didst tap the closet door with his broom.
‘Or who would have guessed that Pippin’s boss wouldst turn out to be an inbred Hick?’ spake Bree.
‘Aye!’ Matt didst laugh. ‘When the old family tree doth get cut down to a “family shrub” it doth not cover much!’
‘Especially once thou’rt in the shallow end of the gene pool!’ spake David.
‘But what wouldst thou call the offspring of a man and his sister?’ spake Derrick.
‘I believe such a thing wouldst be called a ‘couser’ or a ‘sonner’ if ’twas with his mother,’ spake Matt. ‘For either way, ’twould be one fucked-up family tree. How wouldst thou chart that?…’
‘I wonder,’ spake Bree, ‘if Pippin wilt ever get his pants back. For he really wasn’t much to look at.’
‘Hey!’ spake David, ‘let us watch something else now. I am become bored with Pippin the Bastard.’
And so the Gods of Hondo didst spend the next hour fighting over the Remote.
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