FicWad

"What do you mean she bit him?" cried Haury in horror.

He was talking to his producer and she had just informed him an upcoming guest had attacked and bitten a member of his security team on the ear.

"I'm tellin ya," said Lucy. "The girls crazy."

"Well, she came to the right show," muttered Haury. "They're all insane here."

"It makes for great T.V though, doesn't it?" Lucy winked at him and sauntered off.

Haury sighed and popped two Aspirin in his mouth. He had a feeling he was going to need them.

*

"Welcome back the the final portion of the show!" he said cheerfully, hiding his tiredness like an expert. "I have to say, this has been one the most memorable shows we have ever done, wouldn't you agree?" The audience clapped and cheered to show they did.

"But it's not over yet. We have a few guests still to come!" He smiled. "I've been told they're quite feisty." The audience was thrilled to hear this. Feisty guests meant drama, and they loved that. "First let's see how Gerard is doing."

He walked onto the stage and sat down next to the extremely bored looking man who had caused chaos earlier. While Haury had been taking a much needed coffee break, Gerard had taken it upon himself to 'interact' with the females in the audience and collect as many phone numbers as he possibly could. Unfortunately his jilted lovers had not responded very well to this blatant act of rudeness and all hell had broken loose.

The pregnant Amy had proved herself to be a formidable adversary when she had gotten out of her seat and pushed a male producer into Gerard who had at the time had his back turned. Gerard had fallen into the crowd-and right into the lap of a busty blond. While he had tried to get to his feet, his hands had 'wandered' here and there. Unfortunately for him, the lady had been accompanied by her boyfriend who got up and punched Gerard right in the face. Gerard had responded by spitting in the mans face and kicking him in his neither regions. A burly security guard had to pick Gerard up and literally carry him away to break up the fight.

"How are you doing, Gerard?" asked Haury kindly.

"I'm just peachy," replied Gerard sarcastically. "I'm having the time of my life. Being attacked is soooo much fun."

"It was your fault and you deserved it!" growled Amy. "You'll hit on anything with a pulse."

"I'm guessing he'd give it a shot even if it didn't have a pulse," remarked Cassie dryly. The other girls nodded their heads in agreement.

"What on earth were you thinking, Gerard?" asked Haury. "I thought you said you were through with sex?"

"I am," said Gerard. "I only wanted their numbers so I could talk to them, you know, make friends."

Everybody laughed, even Haury. Gerard on the other hand looked outraged. "It's true!" he yelled. "I just wanted to talk."

"Even when you grabbed that woman's boobs?" smirked Rebecca. "Is that how you communicate with woman these days?"

"Excuse me, I was trying to get to my feet," huffed Gerard. "How is it my fault her chest got in the way?"

"Dude, you tried to put your tongue down her mouth," chuckled Mikey. "And you're upset her boyfriend punched you."

"It's not like I was going to take her home with me," snapped Gerard, then turned his attention to the woman. "Unless she wants me to."

"Fuck you!" yelled her boyfriend angrily.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" smirked Gerard. "Everyone wants a piece of me."

"Gerard," said Haury in a warning tone. "Behave."

"He started it," muttered Gerard petulantly.

Haury held out his hands. "I don't care who started it, all I know is it stops right now. We have a show to finish."

"Fine," sighed Gerard. "But I'm getting tired of people hitting me, man. Your security is shit." The security guards glared at him. Gerard glared back.

"You certainly know how to make friends, don't you?" said Haury with raised eyebrows. "Anyway, forget it. Let's get on with the show."

He turned to face the camera. "Now, before the break we were talking to some more woman who claim to have had relations with Gerard. Another woman-Cheyenne, came out and revealed she was pregnant, but not with Gerard's baby, oh, no. she revealed she was carrying Gerard's brothers Mikey's child. Now that was a shock for you, wasn't it, Gerard?"

"Yeah, I never fucking saw it coming," replied Gerard hotly. "It's the ultimate betrayal."

"You can talk about betrayal!" yelled Aria. "You've never been faithful to anybody or anything a day in your life!"

"Yes I have!" said Gerard. "I've been going to Starbucks for years now."

"Starbucks is not a person!" spat Cassie.

"Knowing him he's probably tried to have sex with a Starbucks!" giggled Emily.

"Ladies, please," said Haury, as Gerard fumed beside him. "Let's not upset him."

"Yeah, we don't wanna make the Queen angry, do we?" said Rebbecca.

"Shall we just bring out the next guest before things get ugly out here?" cried Haury, so everyone's voices were drowned out. The audience clapped. "Okay. Our next guest is someone who knows Gerard intimately, if you know what I mean. He-yes, I said 'he' has been a guest on The Haury Show before." Gerard looked up sharply. "Last time it was because his partner was being unfaithful. And his partner was none other then Gerard here."

Gerard's face fell as he comprehended what he was being told. "No," he breathed in horror. "Not him."

"Yes," nodded Haury with a smile. "Him. Everyone put your hands together for Frank Iero!"

There was wild cheering as a slim man with a lot of tattoos joined them on stage. He wasn't very tall but there was a fierceness in his eyes that made it clear he was no pushover.

"Hey, Haury," he said, kissing Haury on both cheeks.

"Hello, Frank," smiled Haury. "How have you been?"

"Great!" said Frank enthusiastically, taking a seat. He ignored Gerard who ignored him back. "I've never been happier."

"That's great," said Haury, "because I remember a time when you were very upset all the time."

"Yeah," agreed Frank. "That's because I used to be in love with this douche." He jerked his thumb in Gerard's direction.

"Hey!" cried Gerard. "I'm sitting right here!"

"I've called you worse names," retorted Frank sassily

"But afterwards you used to tell me you loved me. That shit meant a lot to me," said Gerard.

"Well, I don't anymore," said Frank.

"You know you still love me, Frank," said Gerard arrogantly. "You always have."

"No I don't!" snapped Frank. "I'm totally over you."

"Then explain what happened between us at your girlfriends birthday party," said Gerard with a sly smirk.

There was a collective gasp around the room. Haury was stunned. "Frank, you didn't!" he cried.

Frank had suddenly gone very pale. Gerard grinned widely. "We did."

"Frank!" gasped Haury. "I thought you had a girlfriend?!"

"He does," said Gerard. "But that didn't stop the little animal from getting freaky with me in the garden."

"The garden?" repeated Haury with a raised eyebrow.

"Yeah, man," said Gerard. "I love nature and all that shit."

"You promised you wouldn't say anything!" hissed Frank, clearly upset.

"Did I?" Gerard looked at him innocently. "I'm sorry."

"You motherfucker!" yelled Frank. "You're doing this on purpose! You're just jealous of me and Steph!"

"Dude, I didn't force you to do the things you did to me," smirked Gerard.

"I was drunk!" shouted Frank. "I didn't know what I was doing!"

"I beg to differ," said Gerard. "You knew exactly what you were doing. Tell me, Frank. When did you become such a freak? Not that I'm complaining. It was fun."

"Screw you!" screamed Frank, totally losing it. "And don't even say what I know you're going to say!" He twisted around in his seat and punched Gerard on the arm.

"Hey!" cried Gerard. "This counts as domestic abuse, you know."

"Domestic abuse?" Frank shook his head. "We are not in a relationship!"

"Not yet," corrected Gerard. "But soon. If I feel like it."

"Gerard, do you love Frank?" asked Haury.

"Yeah, man, I love him like I love drinking coffee," replied Gerard seriously.

"But I love my girlfriend!" insisted Frank. "In fact I'm going to propose to her today!" The audience clapped.

"But will she marry you after she finds out you slept with Gerard?" wondered Haury.

"There was no sleeping involved, trust me," chuckled Gerard. "Good times."

"How could you let this happen on your girlfriends birthday?" asked Haury in disapproval.

"I told you I was drunk. All I remember is one minute I was standing in the kitchen checking on the cake-which I baked! Then I turned around and he was standing behind me. I don't want to know what happened next." Frank held his head in his hands, clearly distraught. "I hope Steph forgives me."

"Isn't she the girl who got into a fight with our security guard backstage?" inquired Haury curiously.

Frank nodded. "Yeah. I think that dude called her a hobbit or something."

“She jumped on his back and bit his ear. Is that correct?" asked Haury.

Frank nodded. "Mike Tyson is her hero."

"I'm almost afraid to bring her out," shivered Haury. "Gerard I suggest you be fully alert. I have a feeling things could get out of hand."

"I can take her," boasted Gerard. "She's just a chick. But, you know, I don't hit girls."

Haury sighed. "Let's just bring her out, shall we? Everyone please welcome Stephanie!"

A girl with creamy skin and long dark hair walked out. She, like Frank, wasn't very tall, but the silver baseball bat in her told everyone that she, like Frank, was no pushover.

"Erm, hello, Stephanie," said Haury nervously.

"Hello, Haury," she said, in an English accent.

"May I ask what the bat is for?" he asked, trying to hide the tremor in his voice.

Steph shrugged. "No reason. I just like carrying it around."

Gerard looked at Frank and mouthed, psycho. Luckily for him she never noticed. "Have a seat, please," said Haury.

Steph sat down next to Frank, but not before planting a kiss on his lips. "Hey, babe," she said.

"Honey," began Frank, eying the bat with trepidation. Couldn't you have left that at home?"

"Baby, we're in New York!" cried Steph. "You never know when it might come in handy!"

Frank gulped and looked at Haury for help, who gave him a you-totally-shouldn't-haven't-slept-with-Gerard look. He sighed in defeat and turned to her. "Baby, I brought you here to ask you something." He paused. "But I have to confess something before I do."

"Oh?" Steph raised an eyebrow. "What's that?"

"Remember a few weeks ago when I threw you that birthday party at our house?" She nodded, a small smile on her young face. "Remember how when I told you I was inviting Gerard and you said it was a bad idea?"

She narrowed her brown eyes dangerously. "Yes, because I hate him."

"The feelings mutual, sugar," called Gerard from beside Haury.

"Baby, you were right," said Frank quickly. "I shouldn't have invited him!"

"And why is that?" inquired Steph quietly. Everybody noticed her grip on the bat had tightened considerably.

"I-uh." Frank gulped. "There was an incident."

"WHAT SORT OF INCIDENT?" she yelled suddenly.

"We had sex in the garden," squeaked Frank and ducked his head in shame.

"WHAT?!" screamed Steph, jumping to her feet. "YOU HAD SEX WITH HIM ON MY BIRTHDAY?!" Frank nodded in terror. "IN MY HOUSE?! IN MY MOTHERFUCKING GARDEN?!"

"Actually it was by the rose bushes," said Gerard helpfully. "You've done a great job out there, by the way."

Steph let out a scream like a warrior does before going into battle, and swung the bat around her head. "I'LL KILL YOU!"

No-one knew whether she was referring to Gerard or Frank, but everyone on stage ducked as she threw it in their general direction. It hit Frank in the stomach who gasped in surprise. "Baby, calm down," he pleaded. "I'm sorry. It'll never happen again."

"I KNOW IT WON'T BECAUSE I'M GOING TO KILL YOU ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!" screamed Steph in pure rage. She took a running jump and was on Frank in an instant.

Frank caught her as chairs went flying in every direction. They toppled backwards onto the floor. Steph punched Frank three times before Gerard grabbed her hand.

"Get off him, sugar. You'll break him in two," he said. Steph growled and bit him on his hand.
"What the fuck!" yelled Gerard.

"Kick his ass!" encouraged Amy. In fact, all the ladies on stage were encouraging her to "beat his ass".

Steph got to her feet and rounded on Gerard, who didn't seem very concerned. "Honey, you better calm down before you break a nail."

Steph responded by kicking him in his man area, a classic manoeuvre on The Haury Show. "I'll make sure you never have sex with anyone again!" she yelled.

"Frank!" cried Gerard, doubled over in pain. "Control your woman!"

Frank got to his feet and tried to touch her. She pushed him roughly away. "Baby, please. It was a one time thing!" insisted Frank.

"Fuck you!" she yelled. "How could you do this to me?"

Haury re-joined them on stage, he had been bravely hiding behind his security the whole time. "That's enough, Stephanie," he said sternly. "I've seen enough."

Steph sniffed once before running into his arms. "How could he do this to me?" she sobbed. Haury was shocked at her sudden burst of emotion. "I thought he loved me."

"Baby." Frank approached her carefully. "I do love you. I'm sorry this happened, believe me."

Haury patted her on the back like he did with every emotional guest. "I never expected tears from you, Stephanie."

"She's really gentle inside," revealed Frank. "Like a cat."

"A wild cat," smirked Gerard. Frank glared at him.

"Baby, please," he said, trying to touch her. "Talk to me."

"If you touch me one more time I'll rip your hand off," she threatened.

"I wonder what she's like in bed," mused Gerard to no-one in particular.

"You can just shut the fuck up!" yelled Steph, ripping herself from Haury's arms and turning to face him. "You just want to sleep with everyone in the world, don't you?"

"Honey, there are six billion people on earth. I ain't got time to sleep with them all," drawled Gerard.

"You are such a slut!" she screamed.

Gerard yawned. "I've heard it all before, sugar. It didn't hurt then, and it ain't gonna hurt me now."

"Maybe this will hurt you!" To everyone's surprise she sprinted across the stage and rugby tackled Gerard to the ground. "I always could beat the shit out of you!"

"Honey, I let you beat the shit out of me. It's like foreplay," chuckled Gerard, as she fiercely rained blows on his chest.

Security intervened and pulled them apart. "You know you want me," said Gerard with a smirk as he got to his feet.

"When hell freezes over!" she spat, wrestling to be freed.

"Why does everybody forget this is not the Jerry Springer Show?" huffed Haury.

"Dude, I love that show, but they won't let me go on it," said Gerard.

"You know you're a scumbag when Jerry Springer doesn't want you," giggled Emily.

"Okay," said Haury, tiredly. "Steph, what are you going to do about your relationship with Frank?"

Frank turned huge hazel eyes on her. "It's over," she said simply. "We're through."

"But, baby, I love you," insisted Frank. "It was a one time thing, I swear!"

"You don't love me," she argued. "When we get back to Jersey, I'm throwing your ass out along with the garbage!" The audience were delighted to hear this.

"Baby, please, believe me. It's you I love. He doesn't mean anything to me, I swear," grovelled Frank.

"My ass!" hissed Steph.

"You've got a fine ass, if you ask me," said Gerard. "I wish I'd met you first."

"You keep your filthy hands off my girl!" shouted Frank angrily.

"She's not yours anymore," Gerard pointed out. "Do you mind if we hook up, or what?"

Haury shook his head. "This is not the time to be planning 'hook ups', young man."

"If you touch her I'll kill you!" threatened Frank.

"There's no need for that. You can join us if you like," offered Gerard. "You know my saying: The more the merrier."

"Gerard!" cried Haury. "Enough! Everyone back in their chairs! Now! We've still got one more guest to arrive."

"Another one?" moaned Gerard. "I don't think I can take any more, dude."

"This is all your own doing," sniffed Haury. "If you knew how to control your urges we wouldn't be in this mess."

"He can't control himself," said Rebbecca. "He's an animal."

"It takes one to know one, sugar," replied Gerard.

"Calm down, you two," ordered Haury. "Now, before I bring out our last guest, I want to ask you something, Gerard."

"What? You wanna take me out to dinner?" said Gerard.

Haury rolled his eyes. "No. I want to ask you if there is anything at all you are keeping from us?"

"Like?"

"Like, something you may have done while on a trip to a certain State?" pressed Haury.
"A state such as Las Vegas?"

Gerard gulped. "Oh. That."

Haury nodded in satisfaction. "I'm glad you know what I'm talking about."

"What is he talking about, Gee?" wondered Mikey. "What have you done now?"

"Dude, it's a long story," replied Gerard, shaking his head.

"Well, long or short, we're about to hear it right now. Everybody please give a warm welcome to Jo!"

A curvy woman with wavy dark hair and brown eyes joined them on stage which was, by now, completely crowded. When Gerard saw her his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

"Honey!" he cried, getting to his feet. "How are you? You look great."

"I'm fine," she replied, not too happily.

"Have a seat Jo," said Haury kindly. "Tell me, how are you?"

Jo took one look at Haury's warm blue eyes and burst into tears. "Aww, sugar," Gerard cooed, patting her back. "What's wrong?"

"What's wrong?" she sniffed, slapping his hands away. "You know damn well what's wrong!"

"What did I do this time?" said Gerard, looking bewildered.

"Hello?" Jo waved a hand around the stage. "Look around you."

"Aw, sugar, they mean nothing to me," he assured her. "You do, though. I mean, you are my wife, after all."

A collective gasp reverberated around the room. Everyone seemed too stunned to react.

"Wife?" whispered Mikey finally. "You guys are married?"

"Yeah, we got hitched in Vegas," explained Gerard. "It was a beautiful ceremony."

"It was performed by a drunk guy dressed as Elvis!" cried Jo. "And you made me dress as Princess Leia so you could wear that stupid Darth Vader outfit!"

"Hey! It was the only white gown I could find for you!" cried Gerard.

"How on earth did the two of you end up getting married in Vegas?" inquired Haury.

"I'll tell you what happened," said Jo before Gerard could speak. "I was in Vegas on vacation with a group of my friends. We were in a Casino when I spotted this creepy guy staring at me. The creepy guy turned out to be Gerard. When he saw me looking he walked over and began chatting to me. At first I thought he was a little weird, but the more we talked I realized he was quite sweet and attentive-or at least that's how he came across to me. It turns out he is an excellent actor who will say anything to get anyone into bed. Unfortunately this is something I found out after we got married."

"Which was two days later," revealed Gerard.

"You married him after knowing him for only two days?" asked Haury. "That's insane."

"I thought I was in love with him!" cried Jo. "I know it sounds crazy, but I really did. It didn't help when he began turning up wherever I went with my friends. I thought it was fate!" she sobbed. "What I didn't know was that he was practically stalking me. All because he wanted to get me into bed!"

"I still don't know why you agreed to marry him," said Haury, shaking his head.

"Let me explain that one," interrupted Gerard. "Jo, here, doesn't believe in sex before marriage, which I totally respect. So, I figured the right thing to do was to marry her, then she could sleep with me and not feel guilty. See? I was thinking about her feelings the whole time." He lit a cigarette and blew smoke in the air. "And you people say I'm a heartless bastard."

"Oh, Lord," whispered Frank. "It just gets worse and worse."

"He tricked me into thinking he loved me so he could sleep with me!" cried Jo. "That's the only reason he married me!"

"Did he tell you he loved you?" asked Haury.

"No, he SANG it to me. We were in a restaurant having dinner when he jumped up and ran to the stage. The next thing I know he's singing, "I Will Always Love You," by Whitney Houston!"

"Gerard!" yelled Haury. "This is too much!"

"What did I do?" said Gerard, looking hurt. "I put a ring on her finger, didn't I?"

"Yes," nodded Haury in exasperation. "But for the wrong reasons."

"That's not all!" said Jo.

"There's more?" said Haury dubiously.

"Yes," nodded Jo. She took a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"Really?" said Gerard. "Congratulations."

"With YOUR baby, idiot," she snapped. "I'm carrying your child."

Gerard went paler then ever. "Seriously?"

"Yes!" she said. "You're the only guy I've slept with. And you are my husband, right?"

"Holy shit," muttered Gerard, running his fingers through his hair

"Hey! What about me?" yelled Amy from across the room. "I'm having his kid too!"

"Gerard, haven't you heard of contraception?" asked Haury, as Gerard sat there looking more and more alarmed.

"I want a DNA test!" he said suddenly. "For both kids."

"You mean you'll be back on the show?" Haury looked devastated at the thought. "I wonder how many other girls you've gotten pregnant?"

"Not this one," said Mikey, putting a protective arm around Cheyenne. "This baby is mine."

"This baby is Gerard's," said Amy, pointing to her stomach.

"And this one," added Jo.

"You better step up and be a father to these kids, Gerard," said Cassie quietly.

"Or what? You'll set the Mob on me?" chuckled Gerard. She gave him a look that suggested that, yes, she would set the Mob on him.

"All I'm gonna say is dude's a ho. Once a ho, always a ho," said Rebbecca.

"I'm so glad he's out of my life," sighed Aria.

"Me too," chimed Emily. "We're better off without him."

"Hey! I do have feelings, you know!" said Gerard angrily.

"Yes, but so do all the people in the rest of the world. Maybe you should try remembering that the next time you try to get someone into bed," advised Steph harshly.

"Baby, are you still mad at me?" asked Frank fearfully.

"Is the sky blue, dumbass?" she replied.

"Can we go home now?" asked Mikey. "My fiance needs to rest."

"At least one Way is a gentleman," said Jo approvingly. "The other Way is a dick."

"Okay, if you're all going to be assholes, I'm leaving," warned Gerard, getting to his feet.

"Don't go too far. You'll have to pay child support for these babies soon," Amy told him.

"What about your marriage to Jo?" asked Haury.

"Well, she is my wife. I should take her home with me. I should warn you though, honey. I live in the basement," said Gerard.

"I am not going home with you," said Jo. "And I want a divorce."

"WHAT!" yelled Gerard. "What about the sanctity of marriage and all that shit?"

Jo got up. "Fuck you," she said and walked off. Gerard followed her.

"Sugar, don't leave me. What will I tell my mom? She's gonna kick my ass."

"I'm out of here as well," announced Steph, walking off backstage.

"Baby, please!" cried Frank, following her. "I love you!"

"Get away from me, you midget," she snapped.

"But baby," spluttered Frank. "You know I love you."

Haury shook his head and looked at the camera. "Well, it looks like we've come to the end of our show today. It looks like Gerard didn't learn his lesson in rehab, but may just have learnt something today. I really hope this has been a chance for him to mature because I truly believe he can become a fine young man like his brother Mikey.

Will Gerard change for the better? Will he be a good father if those children turn out to be his? Heck, will he even live to see another day with the Mob on his back? You'll only find out here at The Haury Jovich Show, as I have a feeling this isn't the last we'll be seeing of him. In the meantime I advise everyone-and I mean everyone, to run for the hills if you see Gerard Way approaching you! Goodnight!"