FicWad

In the Outer Lands, there lived a man whose name was remembered. And these art the descendents of the man whose name was remembered:

The Man Whose Name Was Remembered begat Dumah. And Dumah begat Korah the Heretic. And Korah the Heretic begat Ja-alam. And Ja-alam begat Hrothgar. And Hrothgar begat Bashamath. And Bashamath begat Nahath the Free-Thinking Anarchist.

And Nahath the Free-Thinking Anarchist begat Chilion. And Chilion begat Frostilicus. And Frostilicus begat Zerah. And Zerah begat Shammah. And Shammah begat the Boy Who Beat Up the West Side Posse. And the Boy Who Beat Up the West Side Posse begat Mizzah.

And Mizzah begat Teman. And Teman begat Siddim “Shitheels” of Mo’ ab. And Siddim “Shitheals” of Mo’ab begat Omar. And Omar begat Togarmah. And Togarmah begat the Man Who Invented Pants, for the sons of men used to wear that which is now called ‘underwear’ whilst they were about.

And the Man Who Invented Pants begat Wyglaf. And Wyglaf begat Shobal, whose name means The Man Who Knew Too Much. He didst not live long, but his brother begat Zibeon.

And Zibeon begat Zuar. And Zuar begat Jezer. And Jezer begat Uri. And Uri begat Extreeeme Jake. And Extreeeme Jake begat Nahshon. And Nahshon begat Eliab the Inconvenient. And Eliab the Inconvenient begat Ephraim. And Ephraim begat Manahath. And Manahath begat Shedeur. And Shedeur begat Casey.

One day, whilst Casey was digging a ditch by the wayside, three men and a Faerie came along. And Casey didst wave to them in greeting.

‘I shall give them the Universal Greeting,’ quoth Brian Fritz as he gaveth Casey his pinky finger.

‘Ba-weep-granna-weep…’ Trampus didst begin to chant.

‘No! No! No!’ cried Nori the Cursing Faerie, ‘This is the Universal Greeting!’

And she didst give Casey a very different finger.

‘No, Nori,’ quoth Scoot, ‘that is just in California.’

‘Dost thou lift thy middle finger at me?’ asked Casey.

‘No,’ quoth Nori, ‘I do but lift my middle finger.’

‘But dost thou lift thy middle finger at me?’

‘Many pardons,’ quoth one of the men, ‘I hate to interrupt thy spirited debate, but who art thou?’

‘I am Casey,’ quoth Casey. ‘But who art thou? And why didst thy Faerie flip me the bird?’

‘My manners have deserted me,’ quoth the man. ‘I am called Scoot the Ko’An, and these art Pope Trampus and Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch. We seek the evil Technomage, whose Holo-Demon preventeth us from posting the Commandments of Hondo on the Internet. Wilt thou help us, Casey?’

‘But of course!’ quoth Casey. ‘Would I pass up a chance to change the world?’

‘Not so fast,’ quoth Scoot. ‘First thou must prove thyself worthy.’

‘For the Gods of Hondo shall make thee men who eat fish-sticks!’ added Trampus.

‘I need not prove myself to thee!’ quoth Casey, for he was a man of great stature. ‘I shall kick thy sorry ass from one side of this road to the other!’

Scoot didst lean on his staff.

‘Beware,’ quoth Brian Fritz. ‘For Scoot canst stand backwards.’

‘He can,’ Nori didst insist.

And to prove this, Scoot didst stand backwards.

‘Whoa! Dude!’ cried Casey.

‘Fuckin’ A!’ cried Nori, for she had never seen Scoot do that before.

‘Run with us,’ quoth Scoot, ‘for we still know freedom. Come with us if thou art ready to explode myths and fight legends! So tell me, Casey, what great weird deed shalt thou do to warp the minds of men?’

‘What hast thou got?’

‘Very well,’ quoth Scoot. ‘I dare thee to… uh… sing the Barney Song… to a total stranger! And on thy knees.’

And Casey didst come upon an unsuspecting stranger and didst kneel and sing the Barney Song as Scoot had dared him, and he didst sing with all his might like a braying moose in heat, causing great panic and confusion.

And it was then that Derrick didst appear before them as a mutant futon, and said unto them, ‘Thou hast proven thyself worthy, Casey. Thou shalt be the Choirboy of Hondo, and thou shalt help Scoot, Trampus and Brian Fritz defeat the Technomage. Now go forth, Choirboy! It is time.’

And the God of Dammit vanished from their midst.

‘The avalanche hath already started;’ quoth Trampus, ‘it is too late for the pebbles to vote. For a stroke of the brush doth not guarantee art from the bristles. For I knoweth that the Gods of Hondo knoweth that I knoweth that he who wilt assume shalt make an ass out of u and me.’

‘Wilt thou please stop speaking in riddles?’ quoth Brian Fritz.

‘I simply sayeth…’

‘Thou never sayeth anything simply,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Wisdom hath buildèd her house, she hath hewn it out of seven pillars,’ quoth Trampus. ‘Blessèd are they who converse with the forgotten, for they shall inhibit their jerks, and the whore of Babylon shall rise up with a nine-bladed sword— not five or two or seven— and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really art—’

At which point, Scoot didst once more thump him on the head with his staff.

And they didst go unto a tavern by the way, and Casey didst order a Jolt, for it was the Nectar of the Gods.

‘Make it a double,’ quoth Casey.

‘But sir, no one doth order the double,’ quoth the innkeeper.

‘Then I shall have a triple.’

‘Thou knoweth not what thou art doing!’ cried the innkeeper, but he didst give the Triple Jolt unto Casey.

And Casey didst empty the bottle in one gulp.

‘Another.’

The innkeeper didst give it unto him with shaking hands. And so Casey didst drink seven bottles of Triple Jolt in one sitting.

‘This can’t be!’ cried Brian Fritz. ‘For steam shouldst shooteth out of his ears!’

‘His ears if we’re lucky,’ quoth Nori.

Then Casey didst go crazy, and was bouncing off the walls with an overdose of caffeine, and he didst get into the helium, saying unto them in a high, squeaky voice, ‘Whoa! This is some good shit!’

And there was much rejoicing.

The next day they didst leave the tavern and pay their bills.

‘And $4.25 is thy change,’ quoth the innkeeper. ‘ ’Twas nice doin’ business with thee. Thank’ee very much! Please come again.’

And they didst set forth once again in search of the Technomage.