FicWad

Gerard's last words melted away in my ears, had I the energy I would have paniced yet more but I knew what was coming. We both did, long before the ambulance showed up.
The world deteriorated around me, the skyscrapers, the tress, they turned dark and blurred out. The last shot of pain jolted through me and I was gone. The body was gone, it lay weak and empty, a host to no soul in the arms of it's greatest admirer who begged and shook it, crying for things to turn out fine, for my pain to stop. Things don't work that way sweetie, you cried to stop me smoking and I only smoked more, you cried to stop my own weeping but it only made me feel worse. How are you supposed to know, though none of it was ever your fault though Gerard.

I had died long before any medical help came, but I could still feel something. Though I could see nothing, I felt a warmness not through me exactly but, warm around the edges of this strange new reality I was barely aware of. I kidded myself that maybe I still dwelled in my rightful place, that it was Gerard holding me tight, whom I had told to hold me and hey, maybe he was. He's so loyal like that. Gerard but a distant memory, being consumed whole by this new snesation devouring me completely.

It was so odd, I felt warm, but had no place to feel it. Had I eyes to open, I'd of taken a good look at where I was, but... There was nothing to look at. All was white and black, slowly fading in and out, the changes and differences barely noticable. Spinning, roationg around an invisible shpere, the limits unknown to me, or anyone else on the planet I had left behind.
My body was nowhere near me I knew, this was something else. I was simply concious. I had no body, I was just floating around somehow. I can't describe it, there's nothing to compare it to when you are grounded by a body, you just... are in being. There's nothing you can really do, not even thumbs to twiddle. Did I mention there was nothing?

Nothing. Nothing nothing nothing... Oh so tedious, why hte hell was it like this, why was I concious when my body had clearly passed away? was this the afterlife? Forever boring unnameable shades of gray and worst of all, being alone? Forever? Was I ascending to heaven? More likely going to Hell or was this the dreaded purgatory that I was to wander bodilessly? This was fear. This was starting to scare me a bit. Why wasn't there anything aroudn me, or even a me to be surrounded by for that matter?

There wasn't even time, I was just aware of me processing all these things over and over, pictures flashing about, too vague to understand but too material to ignore. Blurry figures, like a terrible ancient film projecting on my blank-canvass-mind. Things were changing yet again and I didn't like that either. I didn't like the way there was nothing I could be sure I was seeing or touching.

It could have been years before I felt an odd tugging at me, a sudden tug, a series of them. Then the pain hit, the warmness left me and was replaced by a hot burning, searing sensation. A violent spray of heat, so different form the comforting peace I had been in. Again, no hands to waft it away, no eyes to see the source, but it was there alright, eating away at me, gnawing at this little land of boredom and claustrophobic enormity.
If I could have cried out I would have, it was so sore, like being rudely awakened by a lgihter to your nose, then finally, catching on fire, the flames all consuming, burning away at my calm conciense. Holes revealing a little more. More. Something I hadn't known for a while. I hadn't known it for that black and white smudge on my seemingly nonexistant vision.

The first thing I thought of when i was living, the first thing that sprung to mind was him. Gerard.
And then the memory was gone, in a flash. A lifetime of love and happiness with that one person vanished. As if it meant nothing.