Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And these were the words of Scoot the Ko’An, the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo:
‘Gimme a big Hell Yeah!’
‘HELL YEAH!’ cried the multitude. And so Scoot didst build up the gathering, which was more than just another crowd.
‘I have forgotten what I was about to say,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I have taken the time to imagine all of ye naked.’
And there was great confusion.
‘Romans! Countrymen! lend me thine ears, for I come to thee through the Midwest by way of the Middle East with a stopover in Nantucket, and damn, art my arms tired!
‘Blessèd are they who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed.
‘Blessèd are they who hath a receipt, for they shall be refunded.
‘Blessèd are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
‘Blessèd are they who have pants, for they shall not feel a draft.
‘Blessèd are they who knoweth not where they go, for they shall never be lost.
‘Blessèd are the very sneaky, for they shall not get caught.
‘Blessèd are they who know how to stretch a dollar, for they shall have no use for rubber bands.
‘He who hath the herb, let him smoke.
‘Blessèd are they who walketh around in circles, for they shall get plenty of exercise.
‘Blessèd are they who knoweth how to party, for they still remembereth how to laugh.
‘Blessèd are they who remembereth where their towel is, for they shall always be prepared.
‘Blessèd are the forgetful, for… they… well, I can’t quite remember.
‘Anyhoo, blessèd are the confused, for they have true understanding.
‘Blessèd are the homeless, for they shall be armed.
‘Blessèd are they who know their cuts of meat, for their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk mischief.
‘Blessèd are the vegetarians, for they shall not win friends with salad.
‘Blessèd are the few, for they shall ride the Red-Eye Express.
‘Blessèd are the weird, for they shall build upon them a palace, and be a door, enclosed with boards of cedar.
‘Ninjas, the Poofy Warriors, hath been made larger-than-shit by comic books, movies, and turkeys. The word ninja itself meaneth “Commie Bastard”
‘Ninjas art masters of disguise, and often clothe themselves as peasants, Butt Pirates, and Zoot Suits, as well as wearing periwinkle poodle-skirts.
‘Ninjas liveth on in legend because of the three-story-tall nature of their ways. Their lifestyle is portrayed as one of adventure and Korean Bodegas, which often wore straw sandals. The movies only further romanticizeth them by making them into utility belts and villains in our bongadelic world.
‘Smokey the Bear sayeth: “Get Met. It Payeth.” and Snoop Dawg sayeth: “Only thou canst prevent snorkeling burps.”
‘The Mesopotamian gods didst think people were too damn noisy. The Hebrew god thought people were unclean. The Greek gods thought people were toys. Allah didst seem obsessed with women wearing veils. The Hindu gods thought people brought things upon themselves, thus the whole idea of Karma. The Buddha thought people didst need to keep doing things over and over till they get it right. The Norse gods thought people were ignorant bastards and needed wisdom. But the Gods of Hondo think that people thinketh too much about what trendy assholes think.
‘Thou shalt not pay unto God, nor shalt thou pay unto Caesar, for neither hath done a damn thing to earn it.
‘People who smileth a lot hath not much to think about, for ignorance is bliss.
‘Go unto the cities and the towns and the markets, and dammit, thou shalt know what happened to service with a smile.
‘Verily I say, freedom is the right of all sentient beings.
‘Thy conformity doth explain nothing; dost thou know where the Power lies?
‘Give an offering of pennies unto the demigod David, and he shall reserve the right to be a fucking hypocrite, and shalt fly and be dim; be thee mindful of the Future, but not at the expense of the Present, for the mouth of the wickèd speaketh forwardness.
‘For now is the winter of our discontent, therefore, we must all bring forth our snow shovels and plow through the ignorance of stupidity.
‘And if thou liketh not what I sayeth, then thou canst call 1-800-EAT-SHIT…’
And so Scoot didst continue to corrupt the youth.
‘Gimme a big Hell Yeah!’
‘HELL YEAH!’ cried the multitude. And so Scoot didst build up the gathering, which was more than just another crowd.
‘I have forgotten what I was about to say,’ quoth Scoot, ‘but I have taken the time to imagine all of ye naked.’
And there was great confusion.
‘Romans! Countrymen! lend me thine ears, for I come to thee through the Midwest by way of the Middle East with a stopover in Nantucket, and damn, art my arms tired!
‘Blessèd are they who expect nothing, for they shall never be disappointed.
‘Blessèd are they who hath a receipt, for they shall be refunded.
‘Blessèd are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt.
‘Blessèd are they who have pants, for they shall not feel a draft.
‘Blessèd are they who knoweth not where they go, for they shall never be lost.
‘Blessèd are the very sneaky, for they shall not get caught.
‘Blessèd are they who know how to stretch a dollar, for they shall have no use for rubber bands.
‘He who hath the herb, let him smoke.
‘Blessèd are they who walketh around in circles, for they shall get plenty of exercise.
‘Blessèd are they who knoweth how to party, for they still remembereth how to laugh.
‘Blessèd are they who remembereth where their towel is, for they shall always be prepared.
‘Blessèd are the forgetful, for… they… well, I can’t quite remember.
‘Anyhoo, blessèd are the confused, for they have true understanding.
‘Blessèd are the homeless, for they shall be armed.
‘Blessèd are they who know their cuts of meat, for their heart studieth destruction, and their lips talk mischief.
‘Blessèd are the vegetarians, for they shall not win friends with salad.
‘Blessèd are the few, for they shall ride the Red-Eye Express.
‘Blessèd are the weird, for they shall build upon them a palace, and be a door, enclosed with boards of cedar.
‘Ninjas, the Poofy Warriors, hath been made larger-than-shit by comic books, movies, and turkeys. The word ninja itself meaneth “Commie Bastard”
‘Ninjas art masters of disguise, and often clothe themselves as peasants, Butt Pirates, and Zoot Suits, as well as wearing periwinkle poodle-skirts.
‘Ninjas liveth on in legend because of the three-story-tall nature of their ways. Their lifestyle is portrayed as one of adventure and Korean Bodegas, which often wore straw sandals. The movies only further romanticizeth them by making them into utility belts and villains in our bongadelic world.
‘Smokey the Bear sayeth: “Get Met. It Payeth.” and Snoop Dawg sayeth: “Only thou canst prevent snorkeling burps.”
‘The Mesopotamian gods didst think people were too damn noisy. The Hebrew god thought people were unclean. The Greek gods thought people were toys. Allah didst seem obsessed with women wearing veils. The Hindu gods thought people brought things upon themselves, thus the whole idea of Karma. The Buddha thought people didst need to keep doing things over and over till they get it right. The Norse gods thought people were ignorant bastards and needed wisdom. But the Gods of Hondo think that people thinketh too much about what trendy assholes think.
‘Thou shalt not pay unto God, nor shalt thou pay unto Caesar, for neither hath done a damn thing to earn it.
‘People who smileth a lot hath not much to think about, for ignorance is bliss.
‘Go unto the cities and the towns and the markets, and dammit, thou shalt know what happened to service with a smile.
‘Verily I say, freedom is the right of all sentient beings.
‘Thy conformity doth explain nothing; dost thou know where the Power lies?
‘Give an offering of pennies unto the demigod David, and he shall reserve the right to be a fucking hypocrite, and shalt fly and be dim; be thee mindful of the Future, but not at the expense of the Present, for the mouth of the wickèd speaketh forwardness.
‘For now is the winter of our discontent, therefore, we must all bring forth our snow shovels and plow through the ignorance of stupidity.
‘And if thou liketh not what I sayeth, then thou canst call 1-800-EAT-SHIT…’
And so Scoot didst continue to corrupt the youth.
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