Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco

Visiting An Old Friend

by PartyPoison 7 reviews

You don't get to leave me. I need you.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2010-10-23 - Updated: 2012-07-28 - 7475 words - Complete

Ryan's body felt as if it had been frozen, turned into concrete like a statue. He was sitting on top of a hill, looking down to the small town below. The sun was still behind the mountains, casting a pink hue to their tips.

His ragged breath came out in small white clouds, melting into the fog around him. He didn't want to move. It wasn't like he had anything to do anyways. His life was worthless; all he could ever do was ruin other people's lives. All he did was mess up; nothing could ever be done right.
Today, though, things would change. Today, he would stop ruining everything he touched, for how could he ruin something when he was not there to touch it? This was going to be the last sunrise for Ryan Ross, the last time he would see morning.


Brendon woke suddenly with a start, gasping as he shot up in his bed. He took a calming breath and tried to settle himself down before he turned to his alarm clock. The glowing green digits told him that it was just after five in the morning. After he caught his breath Brendon sat back down and stared at his roof.

He tried to remember what he had been dreaming about. Obviously it was something that scared him but he couldn't remember exactly what it had been. Sighing, he closed his eyes and tried think of something else so that he could just move on. Automatically his mind went to Ryan, as usual.
Brendon groaned and rolled over, stuffing his face into his pillow. He had always liked Ryan more than he knew he should have, but he couldn't stop it. He tried to clear his mind and fall back asleep but images and thoughts of Ryan kept coming up.

After tossing and turning for awhile he gave up and decided to just get ready for the day. He flung himself over to get up but misjudged the size of his bed and ended up literally rolling out of the bed, falling onto the cold hardwood floor. With a grunt he peeled himself off the floor, shuffling to his bathroom.

The hot water helped relax his muscles and Brendon started thinking that the day would turn around. That was until he slipped on some shampoo and hit his head against the tiles. With a sigh he stepped out of the shower, rubbing the back of his head as he trudged back to his room. At least it was Saturday, he told himself. He probably would have gone straight back to bed if it had been a Monday.

He dressed in his usual skinny jeans and thin white t-shirt. With nothing else to do Brendon grabbed his keys and walked out the door. Once he reached his car he realized that there was no where to go. Taking his phone from his pocket he dialled Spencer's number. The phone rang a couple times before he heard his friend grumble into the phone.

"What?" Brendon couldn't help but to smile at his friends annoyance.

"Morning, Spencer!" He said with cheer just to get on his nerves. Sure enough he heard a groan from the other end.

"Only you could be this damn happy at six in the bloody morning ." Brendon had completely forgotten that it was so early but it just made him smile brighter. He knew Spencer liked to sleep in until just after noon if the world allowed it.

"Can I come over? Pleeeaaassee? I'm so bored!" Brendon begged. He didn't want to be alone; he needed something to take his mind off of... things. He heard Spencer moan and a sound that was as if someone was shifting over. Brendon took it as Spencer rolling over in bed.

"Sure, why not? I mean it's not like I want to be a normal person and sleep in on the weekend anyway." Brendon smiled while consciously ignoring the sarcasm in Spencer's voice.

"Okay! I'll be right there." He shut his phone and started the car before heading to Spencer's.
It didn't take long for him to get there.

"Honey, I'm home!" He yelled as he walked through the door. They all had keys to each others houses. It was supposed to be in case anyone got locked out but mostly it was just so they didn't have to get up to let the other in. On occasions like this, though, Spencer regretted the day he agreed to give Brendon his key.

Brendon took his shoes off as he heard grumbling and shuffling coming from the bedroom before a grumpy looking Spencer appeared in the doorway.

"Did you miss me?" Brendon asked as he walked to Spencer's couch, flopping himself down. Spencer just growled under his breath and walked into the kitchen. The apartment really only had three doors; one to the bedroom, one to the bathroom, and the front one, so Brendon could still see Spencer clearly from his comfy spot on the couch.

Spencer took out a bowl and a box of cereal. Being the gentleman that he is he glanced over at Brendon.

"Would you like some?" He asked.

Brendon smiled big and nodded while Spencer just shook his head and grabbed another bowl.

"Why do I even ask?" He mumbled to himself as he went back to preparing their breakfast.

Brendon flicked through the channels on the TV, trying to find something that would occupy him. A few moments later Spencer appeared with two bowls of Lucky Charms. Brendon looked at Spencer and had to keep in a laugh. Spencer's hair had grown a little and it was sticking in every direction possible, while his eyes were still half asleep. It made him look like a very tired and grumpy lion. Spencer looked down to Brendon's legs before raising his eyebrow. Brendon took the hint and bent his legs so that Spencer could sit down next to him.

They ate their cereal while flipping through reruns of CSI and Friends, because for some reason those two shows were not only the only shows on, but they were always on. After a while Spencer left to shower and get ready. Once he was done he sat back down next to Brendon.

"So what now?" He asked.

Brendon flipped the TV off and sat up to face him.

"I don't know, what do you want to do today?" He asked back.

Spencer seemed to think about it for a moment before shrugging. "No idea."

They sat in silence, both trying to think of something to do.

"How about we call Ryan? He always knows what to do. That kid's too damn smart," Spencer suggested. Brendon nodded eagerly, secretly just wanting to talk to Ryan. Brendon took out his cell phone, keen to hear Ryan's voice.


Ryan hadn't moved. His body had gone numb from the early frost of the fall morning. The sun had risen and was resting low in the orange sky. He didn't know what time it was but he knew that soon he would have to go. He felt his phone start vibrating in his pocket. At first he thought about leaving it, but he knew that whoever was calling him would probably call him again if he didn't answer and that would just get annoying. Sighing Ryan slowly took his phone out of his pocket and answered it.

He didn't say a word; instead he listened to the person breathing. There was a silence before the person asked, "Ryan?"

Ryan's breath hitched as he heard Brendon's voice. Brendon had always been a weak spot for Ryan, he'd always felt more than a friend should.

"Brendon," He choked. His throat had become dry as soon as he heard his friends voice.

"What's up?" Brendon asked.

Ryan tried to keep his voice steady. He took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. He knew he needed to be emotionless for this conversation. He couldn't afford to alert Brendon about what was going on with him. He became emotionless, or at least tried to.

"Nothing much, you?" Ryan knew that there was no way he could make it through this conversation. His voice was already wavering. There was a slight pause before Brendon spoke again.

"Everything okay, Ry?" He asked cautiously. Ryan sucked in a deep breath before replying.

"Yeah, everything's good," Ryan told him. "What are you up to today?" He asked, trying to bring the conversation away from him.

"I'm just hanging out with Spencer. We were wondering if you wanted to hang with us," Brendon said.

"I would like to but I - I can't. I already got plans. But tell Spence next time, for sure." He didn't want to lie, but it was the only way. It was then that Ryan realized this would most likely be the last conversation he and Brendon shared. Quickly he tried to shut the fact out but it hit him hard. This would be the last time he would hear Brendon's sweet voice.

"Oh, what are you doing?" Brendon asked curiously.

Ryan hesitated, "I have a - a meeting. It's really important so I can't miss it." Ryan closed his eyes tight as he felt tears slowly squeeze their way out, falling down his cheeks.

There was a pause as Brendon hesitated before asking, "with who?"

Ryan was unable to hold his words. "Someone I haven't seen in a while. An old friend." He had to choke back a sob as he tried to continue. "Don't think they miss me much though," he muttered with dark sarcasm. Once he realized what he said Ryan knew he had to stop talking.

"I have to go now." He let his voice tremble, giving up any hope of sounding normal. "I r - really have to go. Don't be mad, okay?" Ryan heard Brendon start to say something but he quickly hung up. He dropped the phone and let his face fall into his hands, sobs wracking through his entire body. Ryan knew that if he had continued to talk with Brendon he would have started second guessing himself. He couldn't stop now, this had to be done.


"Ryan, what's go -" Brendon began when he heard his friends shaking voice. He was cut off by the dial tone. Ryan had hung up on him. Ryan never hung up on anybody, ever. Not even if it was somebody he was fighting with. Staring at the phone Brendon slowly pushed the end button.

Looking up to Spencer he said, "something's not right."

Spencer looked confused and waited for Brendon to elaborate.

"He said he was busy; had a meeting he couldn't miss or something. But who would he have a meeting with?" Brendon asked more to himself. He was trying to figure out what was going on.

Ryan was currently employed as a bartender at one of the local pubs; Brendon doubted they would be having a meeting on a Saturday morning. He had known from the beginning of the conversation that something was off. Ryan's voice had sounded weird but as the call went on he swore that Ryan had been almost crying.

Brendon jumped up, deciding he had to find Ryan and figure out what was wrong. Spencer watched as Brendon got up with a questioning look.

"Where are you going, Bren?" He inquired.

"We," Brendon emphasized while gesturing with a finger between the two of them, "are going to go get Jon. Then he is going to help us find Ryan and figure out what's wrong with him." He spoke as he pulled his shoes back on and straightened out his jacket.

Spencer sighed as he got up. "How do you know there's something wrong with Ryan?"

"Because he sounded like he was crying. And then he hung up, while I was still talking," Brendon explained as they continued to make their way out of the apartment and to Brendon's car.

"Oh, something is wrong. And he told you he had a meeting?" Spencer asked.

Brendon nodded curtly.

Spencer shook his head. "That's bull; Ryan never has meetings with work."

"Well, he said he couldn't miss it," Brendon shrugged. "Said it was with an old friend."

The two lapsed into silence as they both thought over what could be going on with Ryan. Spencer tried hard to remember any friends that Ryan had made during high school. No one came to mind; it had always been just the two of them. A word wasn't spoken until they got to Jon's. Spencer got out of the car and told Brendon he would go get Jon. Using his copy of the key Spencer walked into Jon's small one storey house.

"Jon? You home?" He yelled out, looking through the living room then kitchen before he finally found Jon sitting at his small table drinking coffee and reading a book in the dining area. Jon glanced up, slightly surprised that it was Spencer and not Brendon that used his key first.

"Can I help you?" Jon asked his best friend as he continued to sip at his coffee.

"You need to come with Brendon and I. Some thing isn't right with Ryan and we need to figure it out," Spencer told him. Jon raised an eyebrow and put his newspaper and coffee down.

"What do you mean, wrong?" He inquired.

"He hung up on Brendon," Spencer said as he looked at Jon. "While he was talking."

Jon's face lit up with surprise for a moment before it became thoughtful.

"Alright," he sighed, picking himself up from the chair and wrapping his jacket around himself. "Let's go catch us a Ryan."

The two walked back to the car where Brendon sat, waiting in the drivers seat and drumming his fingers impatiently on the steering wheel. Once all three of them were in the car Brendon pulled back onto the road, driving just over the speed limit. Jon sat in the back seat by himself, looking out the window and not recognizing any of it. He had just moved to Nevada and was still getting used to all the streets.

"So, where are we going?" He asked both of his friends in the front seats. Spencer turned around to face him.

"First we'll go to Ryan's house. If he isn't there we know a couple places he could be hiding out at." He turned back to stare out the window, his face showing no emotion. In the back Jon realized that Spencer must have done this many times before, along with Brendon when they were younger. He knew Ryan had always had slight problems but he didn't know how deep they went.

They continued through the streets, finally reaching Ryan's doorstep. As the car pulled up to the house they could already see something was wrong. The light in Ryan's doorway was off. Ryan had always kept them on, no matter what. He had a fear of the dark and kept the lights on so that he wouldn't be greeted by darkness when he entered his house, no matter what time it was. Brendon rushed out of his seat, not caring to turn off the engine before running up the steps. When he approached the door it was seen that it was opened a crack. Tentatively Brendon pushed on the solid wood, peering inside the seemingly vacant house.

"Ryan?" He called, stepping into the threshold. Reaching to flip on the switch Brendon could see from the entry way that the living room was empty. As he continued his way through the house he could hear Spencer and Jon joining him. All three searched the rooms, finding each one Ryan-less. Deciding that there was nothing left to find there they headed back to the car, piling in and driving off quickly.

Brendon and Spencer seemed to have an unspoken plan. Jon watched as the two searched thoroughly, neither saying a word. They barely even glanced at one another until they met back at wherever they had dispersed, giving a small shake of their heads. The three travelled from location to location; searching coffee shops, book and music stores and the parks. In the end their searching seemed to be futile.


Ryan had moved quickly after the phone call with Brendon. Sprinting back to his house he grabbed all that he had needed to, throwing the necessities into his messenger bag. Looking at his watch he saw that he was cutting it too short. He knew that Brendon and Spencer would worry and come looking for him like they always did. Ryan sprinted through his house, remembering to snatch his keys off the side table before running out the door. He slammed himself into his car, tires squealing as he peeled out of his driveway. The car sped by, the world beyond the windows became a blur. The only thing that Ryan could see clearly was the road in front of him. He had made it to the empty road; there was only one place this road lead to. A place surrounded by death. Ryan kept himself numb, ignoring the tears that still ran down his face.

It wasn't until his surroundings started blurring from something other than speed that Ryan was finally forced to pull over. The land around him was dry, desert sand with small rolling hills. The road beneath the wheels was old and crumbling away under the sun. Tears had made his vision fuzzy; he was barely able to see. It didn't matter though, for behind his eyes he saw other things.

His mind was playing a montage just for him to see. One scene where there were two young boys, playing and laughing in the summer heat. He could see the boys laughing at a joke that had been told, both of them with goofy smiles and bright eyes. Then another joined the group. Dark brown hair and deep coffee eyes framed by bright red glasses. He always adorned a large silly smile. Ryan wrapped his arms around his torso as he remembered his childhood with Spencer, and then with Brendon when he joined them in secondary school. Even a few times after they had graduated and met Jon. Times where everyone had been carefree. They didn't realize that the harsh world of reality was waiting to break them. Slowly Ryan closed his eyes, leaning his head on the steering wheel and not caring to wipe his cheeks. There would only be more tears to come.


Brendon, Jon and Spencer were getting frantic. They had searched everywhere they could possibly think Ryan to be. In a last hope effort they had even called Ryan's work and seen if anyone had any idea where the boy had disappeared too.

At this point there were pulled over on a road by the highway, unsure of what to do. Brendon was leaning against the hood, hands holding his weight. Spencer was hanging on the open door while Jon was laying down in the backseat. No one said a word as they all furiously tried to think of somewhere their friend could be. Brendon gave a frustrated groan as he tried to remember the conversation he'd had with Ryan earlier that morning.

They had passed pleasantries, greeting each other and asking how the other was doing. Ryan had obviously been lying when he said he was good, as he was practically crying while he spoke. After that Brendon had asked him to come over. He'd said no, and something about a really important meeting, apparently with an old friend. Brendon scrunched his brow. He and Spencer had both concluded that Ryan hadn't had any other close friends during high school or even after. He'd always just hung out with Spencer and later on Brendon.

Giving a huff Brendon forced his mind to remember anything, even the tiniest thing to help him find the location of Ryan. After a moment of pressuring his mind and squinting his eyes closed Brendon realized this wasn't going to work. Giving a small sigh he tried to relax, letting his body slouch a little and smoothing over his face.

'Okay,' he thought to himself. 'After the thing about the friend he told me he had to go and then it was end of conversation. Correct?' It took a second of thought for him to realize he was missing something. Ryan had muttered something after saying he was meeting an old friend. Something about not missing him.

'An old friend who doesn't miss him? Who the hell cou-' Brendon froze mid-thought as the answer came to him. Spencer's attention was drawn when he saw Brendon suddenly tense up.

"Get in the car." Brendon told him with a clenched jaw.

Warily Spencer scrambled back into the car, watching as he saw Brendon stiffly but quickly fling himself into the car. It only took seconds before they were pulling a sharp left, Brendon pulling a U-turn in the middle of the highway. Jon shot up in shock, not realizing what was going on. Looking up into the rear-view mirror he could see Brendon's eyes. Something close to devastation that contrasted with his rigid movements that almost made it seem as though he were angered. Brendon didn't spare any thought on the speed limit or law. The only thing that concerned his mind was that he had to find Ryan. He didn't allow himself to think about what might happen if they didn't get there in time. That wasn't an option.


Ryan sat there with his head pressed on the steering wheel and his hands wrapped tightly around himself. Tears soaked his face as he cried silently. His body shook with every muffled sob. Soon it was hard to breathe and he couldn't keep it in anymore. The car became filled with his ragged cries and harsh breathing. As he wailed his arms clenched, his fingers digging tightly into his sides almost painfully tight. The overwhelming senses bombarded Ryan, crashing into his mind all at once. In a fit of desperation and slight anger towards too many things and nothing at all Ryan sporadically acted out; pounding the steering wheel with his fists and open palms until he didn't have anymore strength to give. Once again he curled into himself, trying to hold himself together.

'I am only proving his point further,' Ryan thought to himself as he struggled with his breathing. 'Can't even make it there to show him what a failure I've become.' He began to sober up as his inner monologue continued.

'Look at me; pathetic,' he thought while with a shaking hand he wiped at his cheeks, smearing the tears across his face. 'Inadequate,' he told himself, his hand reaching towards the key and turning it slowly to star the engine. 'Atrocious,' his mind stated while he started putting pressure on the pedal.

Careful to keep his eyes steady on the road Ryan pulled out while the words continued. 'Heinous.'

He tried not to flinch as they started getting louder. 'Monstrous.' It wasn't his mind yelling the words anymore, now it was a booming voice that rang through his head. 'Intolerable.' They were spat with anger and hatred. It sounded as if the man himself were sitting next to him; Ryan couldn't help but flinch at the next one. 'Useless.' He could remember every injury that had accompanied each word.

He knew better than to try and block them out; they were true anyways. The spiteful words continued as he drove down the road, nearing his dreaded destination. With a shaking breath he stopped the car, forcing himself not to look around. Grabbing his bag from the passenger seat he stood up out of the car. Gravel crunched under his feet as he made his way to the place he swore he would never return. It was now the middle of the day, the sun high in the sky beaming down its heat.

Although the world around him was close to silent every sound seemed overly loud in Ryan's ears. His still slightly ragged breaths, each crunching step that took him closer. 'Worthless,' the man yelled in his head as he finally stopped. He was in the shade under a large tree that was a few feet away. Ryan didn't care to look up as he stood there. The next word seemed to knock him down, as if it was accompanied with a physical blow. 'Pitiful.'

If a stranger were to see Ryan now they would think nothing of it. To them he was just another person who had lost someone close to them. It would seem as if he was merely visiting an old friend.


Jon gave a questioning glance to Spencer and it was obvious that he too had no idea where Brendon was taking them. They both sat quietly in the car, not daring to ask Brendon where they were going. One look at him and they could tell he knew where Ryan was, and that something was wrong. Brendon's knuckles had turned white as he gripped the wheel hard, his teeth grinding together roughly. His mind had started replaying the conversation with Ryan again, only now he understood.

'I would like to but I - I can't. I already got plans.' Brendon could remember how Ryan had stumbled on his words. 'I have a - a meeting. It's really important so I can't miss it.' He could remember hearing his wavering voice. It was as if he was holding back cries. 'Someone I haven't seen in a while. An old friend.' Brendon gave a cold laugh in his mind. An 'old friend' his ass. He continued remembering what had been said after that. 'I have to go now. I r-really have to go' Brendon's whole body clenched as he heard Ryan's voice saying those words, knowing what he had meant by them. 'Don't be mad, okay?' This only made Brendon angrier. How could Ryan say that? How could he even speak to Brendon like that when he would have to face him - but that was just it, Brendon realized. Ryan didn't expect to have to face Brendon ever again; he'd thought that would be their last conversation. It was now Brendon's job to make sure it wasn't.

With renewed vigour Brendon pressed a little further down on the pedal, continuing faster down the road. They were almost there; the place was almost visible now. The increased speed didn't go unnoticed by the two other passengers. Spencer looked out of the front window, trying to make sense of where they were. It was as if someone had reached into his stomach and squeezed hard when he realized the only place the road they were on lead to. He'd only been there once, with Ryan on that awful day.

Jon was still confused as to where they were until he saw the sign on the side of the road. Although the car had passed by it almost too fast to read it he had caught what it read. 'Deer Creek Cemetery'.


Ryan's hands trembled as he reached into his bag. He took out a small plastic case that fit almost perfectly in his curled palm. Inside was an X-Acto blade which he carefully slid out into his hand. As he held the blade he finally looked up to face the grave of the man he had come to fear even in death. The stone wasn't anything fancy; in simple block lettering it read 'George Hammond Ross II'.

Taking the blade with a firm grip Ryan pushed his sleeve out of the way. A single tear had just started running down his cheek again before he quickly dug the blade into his skin with determination. Just as the blade struck his skin he heard his fathers' voice ring out in a yell.



Tires squealed on the pavement as Brendon pulled on the wheel harshly. The back end of the car flung around until the car ceased all movement with a sudden jolt. Not bothering to turn off the engine or even close his door behind him Brendon was sprinting, Spencer close behind him as he had finally caught on. Brendon ran far ahead, his eyes searching the land before him while he narrowly missed headstones. Finally he zeroed in on the hunched figure, half hidden beneath the shade on the other side of the field.

"Ryan!" He yelled, now pushing his body's limits to run faster than he had ever before. The figure seemed to slouch into itself as Brendon got closer. Ryan's back was still turned away from Brendon who continued sprinting.

"RYAN!" He yelled again, this time louder and almost out of desperation. Still the boy did not turn to him. Brendon slammed himself down as he neared Ryan, his knees painfully scraping across the ground. He landed to Ryan's side, a little behind him. Brendon's eyes flashed from Ryan's tear stained face that was half curtained by his hair and down to his arms. His eyes followed the beads of blood that ran in streams down Ryan's forearms. They came from the deep gashes that started near his elbows and continued to his wrists.

"Oh, Ry," Brendon muttered before he quickly took off his thin shirt. "Don't do this, Ry," Brendon continued, not looking up from his own hands while he quickly worked. Tears began pricking at his eyes while he almost furiously ripped the fabric. "Don't you do this to me Ryan," Brendon gritted out, wrapping the strips around Ryan's arms. Ryan's whole body was shaking; trembling while choked sobs escaped his grimaced lips. Tears were soon flooding down Brendon's cheeks as he tied the knots of his makeshift tourniquets with force.

Once Brendon had done all he could he quickly took Ryan into his arms, wrapping his hands around Ryan's torso so Ryan's back met his chest. "You don't get to do this," he muttered into Ryan's ear, his breathing becoming ragged. Brendon could feel Ryan's body sinking into his own. With a quivering voice he told Ryan, "You don't get to leave me." Taking another shaking breath Brendon moved his mouth close to Ryan's ear. "I need you," he whispered, strained by the sob he was holding back.


Spencer watched from afar, struck with realization as he watched Brendon work over Ryan. He couldn't believe that this had happened. That everything had gotten this bad, that Ryan had gotten this bad. It had always been a known fact that Ryan had depression problems; that things hadn't been the best at home with his father. But no one could have seen this coming. Except, as Spencer watched Brendon hold Ryan in his arms, he knew that he should have.

Ryan had talked about it to Spencer once, ending his own life. It had been a quick thought thrown out; it had passed by with not much consideration. Spencer had thought nothing of it, had chosen to ignore it. And now it was happening. Once again Spencer took in the scene displayed in front of him. Brendon and Ryan both covered in blood and sobbing as Brendon desperately held onto the bleeding boy. His best friend, his brother; he could have left him. He could have lost him. Forever.

Jon had stayed in the car as his two friends ran off quickly. With a sigh he slowly got out of the back seat and walked around to take the keys from the ignition. Pocketing them he closed the door and made his way towards where Spencer and Brendon had disappeared. As his eyes scanned over the parking lot he could see Ryan's car parked crookedly not too far away.

Coming to a large field of gravestones Jon looked around, seeing Spencer's retreating figure heading towards a shaded area. Squinting, Jon could see that someone was sitting by a grave over there but he couldn't see who exactly it was. Walking almost cautiously around the graves Jon walked towards them. He saw Spencer freeze a few feet away from the grave. As he neared Jon soon saw what was going on. Brendon had become covered in what was certain was blood, holding a broken Ryan. His first instinct was to reach for his phone, dialling quickly while his mind still tried to process what was going on.


Ryan could hear Brendon's voice, telling him things he already knew. He could feel Brendon's hands working quickly yet gently on him. Most of all he could feel the sharp pain in his arms. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Nothing was supposed to be heard, nothing was meant to be felt. Ryan continued to cry as he felt warm arms wrap around him, melting into the body behind him. Breathing became harder, and soon his head seamed to spin. The sound of Brendon's muffled cries and sirens in the distance seemed to mush together. He could feel his body start to lightly tingle and was thankful when the spots invaded his vision. He welcomed the darkness gratefully.

The pitter-patter of rain hitting the window was the first thing Ryan heard when he awoke. His body was stiff from lying still for a long period of time but he did not move. Instead he took a deep, shaky breath before beginning to drift back into sleep. Ryan had almost faded away again when he heard heavy footsteps at the end of the hall outside his door. He didn't want to be bothered; all he wanted was to fall asleep and never awake.

The sound of a person running quickly towards his room was loud and echoed throughout the walls. He didn't move, hoping that he could savour the few peaceful seconds he had left in his state of numbness. He focused entirely on the sounds of the rain. The small drips of water crashing onto the window, creating an unsteady beat. The door was slowly cracked open; muffled footsteps were heard before the click of the door closing behind the person. For the next moment everything paused. Only heavy panting was heard from the door way.

Ryan heard the person slowly approach his bed, cautious and slow until they ended beside him. A damp hand moved his bangs tentatively out of his unopened eyes, and warm breath washed over his face.

"Oh, Ryan," A soft voice said. "Why'd you do it?"

It was the hitch in the beautiful voice that broke something inside Ryan. It brought all the emotions crashing down on him. He couldn't breathe; they were suffocating him. Ryan didn't open his eyes yet, he didn't want to see the disappointment he knew would be on the other's face. He didn't want to face those sad brown eyes and explain why his forearms were stinging. The rain had come to a stop outside, forcing Ryan to hear the one sound he had tried so hard to block out: the slow but steady beeping of the machine, telling him he was still alive. It was to this noise that Ryan slowly faded back out to.

As Ryan woke up for the second time he let his eyelids flutter open as he came through to consciousness. The lights in the room were bright and reflected off of the white walls and pale blankets that smelled strongly of bleach. His eyes caught sight of Brendon sitting in a chair, slouched down and head lolled in sleep. Movement to his left caught his eye. Spencer had pulled a chair up next him, his head resting on the side of the bed.

"Hi," Spencer whispered once their eyes connected. Ryan could see the questions swimming in his eyes along with the blame Spencer was putting on himself. Ryan knew he had caused it, that he had just made a problem for the people he knew. It was the last thing he was trying to do; in fact, he was trying to become the opposite. Ryan's eyes started to water but they never left Spencer's solemn blue ones.

"Hi," His voice was raspy, cracking from the dryness in his throat that came with the excessive crying he had done recently. Although the one word wasn't too loud it seemed to echo around the room. Spencer's eyes flickered down to Ryan's hand before he carefully took it into his own. He let the pads of his fingers lightly trace the lines imprinted into Ryan's palm. Not daring to look back up to the boys face he let all of his concentration go into what he was doing, making sure that he was only putting the slightest pressure onto his skin. Ryan looked at the solemn boy in front of him, not sure of what to say. There really was nothing left to say at this point. He knew Spencer wouldn't ask him, he never did. He would wait until he was ready like always, never pressuring him into talking about something he wasn't ready for like the greatest friend in the world.

A tear started to form into his eyes, Ryan could feel it and as he closed his eyes it started it's journey down his cheek. He didn't deserve Spencer, or anyone at all for that matter. There was nothing for him to give back, and they all deserved so much. Over the years they had shown him so much love and friendship, understanding and caring. It hurt Ryan so much that he couldn't give it all back to them, no matter how much he tried.

"I'm not sorry," Ryan choked out quietly. His eyes were still closed, more tears captured underneath his lids and slowly leaking out. It wasn't what he had wanted to say, but he meant it. He truly wasn't sorry for what he had done. If it was up to him he wouldn't be there right now, still dragging down the lives of his sad saviours.

Although these words fell silent to the rest of the room they seemed to echo around in Spencer's head. His fingers paused on Ryan's hand as what he had known to be true but tried to deny was confirmed. It was only a second before he continued to let his hands dance lightly against Ryan's skin once again, letting the expected but still hurtful realization sink in his mind.

"I know," Spencer spoke, his voice gruff with slight emotion. Because he knew that it was what Ryan wanted: to disappear from this world. But Spencer would be damned if he let him ever get that close to leaving him again, even if that's what Ryan wanted. It wasn't his fault though, Spencer tried to tell himself. It wasn't his fault that Ryan didn't want to live, that he thought there was only one way to escape his past. He had tried his best to help Ryan, to love him like a brother and care for him like the family he didn't have. But it hadn't been enough. Nothing would be enough to heal the cracks that had been made in his early childhood.

After a few minutes of silence from the two boys Spencer got up, not being able to stand the atmosphere in the little room. He felt as if he was being suffocated, smothered by emotions that couldn't be defined, choking on words he couldn't get out while drowning in Ryan's forlorn eyes that seemed to look through him. Quickly he strode towards the door, not caring that it slammed behind him. He just needed to get out, get somewhere he could breathe.


A door slamming jarred Brendon out of his slumber. He jumped at the sound before reflexively pulling a hand to his stiff neck. As his eyes searched the room he found Ryan awake in the bed, looking dejectedly towards the window. Seeing that Ryan had awoken Brendon scrambled to his feet, coming over to stand by the chair Spencer had been sitting in not a minute before. He gave a cautious smile down to Ryan who looked up to him.

"Hey." Brendon's voice was soft, cushioned by caring and a slight relief. It was a wonderful sight to see Ryan's eyes open; it had been a couple days since the accident. The blood loss that Ryan suffered had been severe enough to warrant a blood transfusion. No one had been completely sure when he would wake, there had been a short moment when they weren't sure if he ever was.

Ryan looked down to his lap before letting his eyes quickly flitter to Brendon's. The eye contact lasted but a second before Ryan looked away again, not wanting to see the emotions swirling in Brendon's eyes. He didn't want this. The pity, sympathy, worry, guilt. All of those emotions he knew would surround him for a long time, whether directed at or felt by him. A warm hand taking hold of his own brought his gaze back to Brendon who was looking down at their now entwined fingers. He wouldn't look up to Ryan but nonetheless the injured boy could still see the tears forming in his eyes.

"Don't," Ryan said, his voice still rough. Brendon looked up, letting their eyes meet. It was easy for Ryan to see the purple ditches under Brendon's eyes, to see the red lining and the way his cheeks had slightly hollowed. He knew that it was his fault, that he was the cause for Brendon's ill being. He didn't want Brendon to cry for him, didn't want him to blame himself.

Brendon sniffled a little before saying, "I can't help it." There was a small pause before Brendon continued, "I meant what I said. I need you." He gave a small squeeze to Ryan's fingers. "I know that it's selfish of me to want you to do something you don't want to do. But I can't find myself to care that much, because if it means that I have to be selfish to keep you alive then that's what I'll do. I can't lose you, Ryan." Brendon was shaking a little as he tried to contain his sobs. Tears were now cascading down his face, falling to their linked hands. Ryan focused on each drop, watching as they fell and silently crashed onto their skin. He didn't say a word, tightening his grip on Brendon's hand he watched as Brendon all but came apart in front of him. Tears started prick at his own eyes, and try as he might to blink them away a few managed to escape and run down his cheeks.

It took a while for them both to calm down, the muffled cries fading into sniffles and not too long later they both went into a state of calm. A fragile numbness, something holding back the emotions for now, but both new it wouldn't last long. Brendon had laid his head onto the bed, watching closely as their fingers lazily danced together.

"I don't blame you," he whispered. A combination of his words and the feeling of his warm breath washing over his hands sent slight shivers throughout Ryan's body.

"For wanting to end it all," Brendon trailed on. "I can see why you'd want that."

The words rang throughout the room, sinking in and palpable in the air. Nothing was said in response, but it wasn't expected anyways. The two boys sat there, fingers still moving against each other and breathing steadily. The machine continued to echo throughout the room, the only noise until it was once again joined by the pitter-patter of rain on the window. Nurses came flitting in and out of the room, checking the machines and writing on clipboards. A couple asked if there was anything they could do for them. Every time they were met with silence and no acknowledgement.

It was just before night fell that Spencer returned, sitting in one of the chairs at the end of the bed. No one said anything as the dark blanket of night became visible through the window.


AN: Please leave a review(Even if you don't know what exactly to say just rate it out of 10)
I would greatly appreciate to know what you think if my writing.

When I first wrote this it started out as a lighter story but then somehow Ryan became suicidal and well... here we are now. So uhh, yeah I probably wont be adding any more to this but you never know so keep an eye out in the future.
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