Categories > Celebrities > 30 Seconds to Mars > Darkness Of Flashbacks
- Between heaven and hell -
May 16th, 2007
Dear diary,
I don't know myself anymore. I can barely breathe while writing this. It's in the middle of the fucking night and I just can't sleep with everything that is going on inside of my head.
My bed is still warm from where Liam laid a couple of minutes ago.
Yes, I know that you're disappointed Diary. I promised to never call him again, it's just that he is so damn easy. Tonight I used him. Like every other time I feel upset I called him and asked him to come over.
Liam has been chasing me since high school, I guess that I am some weird kind of image of a perfect woman to him. He has got some issues and when it feels necessary for me I take advantage of him.
It's been two whole days since I gave up and dropped the Leto-case. There are now two Madisons. Madison before Jared Leto and Madison after Jared Leto.
I remember how Garth was so worried when I took on Jared's case. "This ain't going to be easy," he said and reluctantly handed me the file and from that moment on the journey began.
I also remember the first time I met Jared. It was just after he had been transferred to Martha's and I was so confident when I stepped into the room. He sat down next to a lawyer.
Jared's beautiful blue eyes was staring at the floor. Now after spending some time with him I know that he wasn't looking at anything at all.
His eyes were open but he wasn't really present. It took a few days before I reached out and could contact him. I guess that it was small pieces of shock that shattered and left him.
The biggest problem with the whole Leto-case was that he refused to speak. The doctors who examined Jared said that there was nothing wrong with his body, so the muteness was something that he made up in his head. I believe that Jared is extremely smart. How could he otherwise be such a big star?
You have to have something inside your skull if you succeed to enchant millions of people with your music and acting. With that I mean that he must have felt like he really needed to stay quiet.
My question to that is: why? What could possibly be so dark and dreadful that you force yourself not to say a word?
I would love to be that person who found out what was going on in Jared's head. But I just had to let go of the case.
For every small step forward he made, like with the drawing, something happened and he moved back to where we first began again. The second reason to why I let go of the case is that I started to care for him. Care is good you say but not when you feel like I do.
I dream of him. I dream of holding him, touching him... That's not appropriate thoughts for a psychiatrist. Maybe I need to see a shrink myself? That'd be fucked up.
I've started listening to his music. Hearing his voice is kind of soothing.
I wonder how he reacted when I wasn't there yesterday. From what I heard, Micha is his new psychiatrist. Too bad for him since she's an old bitch. She believes that she is a genius and on top of the world.
I really hope that he won't do anything stupid now that I'm gone.
Now back to Liam. We had sex tonight. As we rolled around with sheets wrapped around our sweating bodies something happened. I opened my eyes to meet his and Liam transformed right in front of me. His features got manlier and his eyes got a dreamy blue color. Liam had turned into Jared.
I moaned and dug my fingernails into his steaming back. Every touch and sensation felt stronger when I thought it was Jared who I was being intimate with.
How disturbing isn't that? Me dreaming of screwing a patient who is accused of murder.
Do I believe that he killed his girlfriend? I don't know.
I believe that Jared is a wonderful person. But everyone is capable of killing. Everyone.
In extreme situations of fright, anger or surprise anything can happen.
Do you think that I can get the case back, Diary? I doubt it.
I want to solve the Leto-puzzle. But can I do it and still keep my sanity?
It feels empty knowing that someone else is trying to figure him out right now. I'm jealous.
Now I decided that I'll try to get the case back. Not right now, though. I need time for myself.
I'm broken and I don't know myself anymore.
Maybe I'm a whole different person. Maybe it's positive.
I'm tired and rambling.
Goodnight Diary.
May 16th, 2007
Dear diary,
I don't know myself anymore. I can barely breathe while writing this. It's in the middle of the fucking night and I just can't sleep with everything that is going on inside of my head.
My bed is still warm from where Liam laid a couple of minutes ago.
Yes, I know that you're disappointed Diary. I promised to never call him again, it's just that he is so damn easy. Tonight I used him. Like every other time I feel upset I called him and asked him to come over.
Liam has been chasing me since high school, I guess that I am some weird kind of image of a perfect woman to him. He has got some issues and when it feels necessary for me I take advantage of him.
It's been two whole days since I gave up and dropped the Leto-case. There are now two Madisons. Madison before Jared Leto and Madison after Jared Leto.
I remember how Garth was so worried when I took on Jared's case. "This ain't going to be easy," he said and reluctantly handed me the file and from that moment on the journey began.
I also remember the first time I met Jared. It was just after he had been transferred to Martha's and I was so confident when I stepped into the room. He sat down next to a lawyer.
Jared's beautiful blue eyes was staring at the floor. Now after spending some time with him I know that he wasn't looking at anything at all.
His eyes were open but he wasn't really present. It took a few days before I reached out and could contact him. I guess that it was small pieces of shock that shattered and left him.
The biggest problem with the whole Leto-case was that he refused to speak. The doctors who examined Jared said that there was nothing wrong with his body, so the muteness was something that he made up in his head. I believe that Jared is extremely smart. How could he otherwise be such a big star?
You have to have something inside your skull if you succeed to enchant millions of people with your music and acting. With that I mean that he must have felt like he really needed to stay quiet.
My question to that is: why? What could possibly be so dark and dreadful that you force yourself not to say a word?
I would love to be that person who found out what was going on in Jared's head. But I just had to let go of the case.
For every small step forward he made, like with the drawing, something happened and he moved back to where we first began again. The second reason to why I let go of the case is that I started to care for him. Care is good you say but not when you feel like I do.
I dream of him. I dream of holding him, touching him... That's not appropriate thoughts for a psychiatrist. Maybe I need to see a shrink myself? That'd be fucked up.
I've started listening to his music. Hearing his voice is kind of soothing.
I wonder how he reacted when I wasn't there yesterday. From what I heard, Micha is his new psychiatrist. Too bad for him since she's an old bitch. She believes that she is a genius and on top of the world.
I really hope that he won't do anything stupid now that I'm gone.
Now back to Liam. We had sex tonight. As we rolled around with sheets wrapped around our sweating bodies something happened. I opened my eyes to meet his and Liam transformed right in front of me. His features got manlier and his eyes got a dreamy blue color. Liam had turned into Jared.
I moaned and dug my fingernails into his steaming back. Every touch and sensation felt stronger when I thought it was Jared who I was being intimate with.
How disturbing isn't that? Me dreaming of screwing a patient who is accused of murder.
Do I believe that he killed his girlfriend? I don't know.
I believe that Jared is a wonderful person. But everyone is capable of killing. Everyone.
In extreme situations of fright, anger or surprise anything can happen.
Do you think that I can get the case back, Diary? I doubt it.
I want to solve the Leto-puzzle. But can I do it and still keep my sanity?
It feels empty knowing that someone else is trying to figure him out right now. I'm jealous.
Now I decided that I'll try to get the case back. Not right now, though. I need time for myself.
I'm broken and I don't know myself anymore.
Maybe I'm a whole different person. Maybe it's positive.
I'm tired and rambling.
Goodnight Diary.
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