Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Chocula 3

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

the HellRazor

Category: Humor - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010-11-07 - Updated: 2010-11-07 - 708 words - Complete

Guah!’ cried the Monkey Man as he didst run away, laughing hysterically and waving his staff.

And it came to pass that the God of Odnoh didst appear before Scoot and the Dudes as an Albino Klingon and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! I am come bearing strange tidings. Thou hast done a good job as Pope, Casey, but we hath decided thou canst serve us better as the Beige Knight of Hondo. Congrats.’

And Yoco didst not bow, for RJ was not present for him to outdo.

‘Now I must join Matt to find a new Pope,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘Thou knoweth how hard it is to find a good Pope these days.’

And he didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes didst scratch their heads in confusion.

In Albuquerque there lived a man with only one nostril. And these art the descendents of One-Nostriled Man:

The One-Nostriled Man begat Abidan. And Abidan begat Gideoni. And Gideoni begat Mega-Jerk. And Mega-Jerk begat Ahiezer.

And Ahiezer begat Eliasaph. And Eliasaph begat Ammihud the Fishmonger. And Ammihud the Fishmonger begat Ammishadai. And Ammishadai begat the Man Who Invented the Internet. And the Man Who Invented the Internet begat Agur.

And Agur begat Ucal. And Ucal begat Ramatha’imzophim. And Ramatha’imzophim begat Lemuel the Wanker. And Lemuel the Wanker begat Paran. And Paran begat Tophel. And Tophel begat Heroin Bob. And Heroin Bob begat Kadesh-barnea.

And Kadesh-barnea begat the Philadelphia Experiment. And the Philadelphia Experiment begat Hazeroth. And Hazeroth begat Dizahab. And Dizahab begat Zoheleth. And Zoheleth begat Cobra Commander. And Cobra Commander begat Abishag.

And Abishag begat Pug-Ugly. And Pug-Ugly begat Shagnasty. And Shagnasty begat Penn and Teller. And Penn and/or Teller begat Ekron (for they worketh as a team).

And Ekron begat Jehoram the Lesbian. And Jehoram the Lesbian begat Whoever the Hell Bobby’s Father Was. And Whoever the Hell Bobby’s Father Was begat Bobby.

And it came to pass one day that Bobby was riding his magic carpet when he came upon the Dudes moving forward, not backward— upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

‘What the hell art thou doing!?’ cried Bobby.

‘We art following the Twenty-Ninth Commandment of Hondo,’ quoth the Dudes.

And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as Dragon Balls Y, and Derrick said unto them: ‘After contemplating for the last two seconds, we the Gods of Hondo, have decided to make thee, Booby, the Pope of Hondo.’

‘But what of Casey?’ asked RJ.

‘We have for him a new calling,’ spake the God of Standing Beyond and to All Time. ‘He shall now be dubbed the Beige Knight of Hondo.’

‘Excuseth me,’ quoth Bobby, ‘but who the hell art thou, and why hast thou chosen me as thy Pope?’

‘Because it is hard to find a good Pope these days,’ spake the God of Evil. ‘Thou hast been chosen, Booby.’

‘Dragon Balls Y?’ asked the Dudes.

‘We have no idea,’ spake the God of Catastrophic Minds. ‘We art the Gods of Hondo. Since when must we maketh any sense?’

‘But my name’s Bobby,’ quoth Bobby.

‘According to Jehovah’s database, thy name is Booby,’ spake the God of Fist-Pounding, ‘and we all knoweth that his database is infallible.’

‘If thou proveth thyself worthy, thou shalt be our Pope,’ spake the God of Anything Yellow.

‘Now go thee forth to yonder Library and dance around wildly like a Faerie!’ commanded the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘Ah, crap!’ cried Nori. ‘We have been walking around in circles!’

And Booby went forth unto the Library and he didst dance around wildly like a Faerie.

And there was much rejoicing.

‘Thou hast proven thyself worthy to join the Dudes and be our Pope,’ spake the God of Stupidity, ‘don’t ye think, Count Chocula™?’

And Count Chocula™ was silent.

‘We taketh that as a yes,’ spake Matt.

‘Thou’rt now the new Pope of Hondo,’ spake the God of Humor. ‘Try thee not to have too much fun.’

‘Whatever,’ quoth Booby. ‘I shall go with thee as far as Albuquerque.’

And the Gods of Hondo didst vanish from their midst, and the Dudes went on their way.
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