FicWad

And it came to pass that the Dudes were harassed by a pack of Evil Toasters.

In the midst of the battle, the Dudes didst stop in at a roadside tavern for a break.

And whilst the Dudes were busy seeing who couldst disgust other people the most, Myles the Unbeliever didst bet on a clothes dryer race, and won the Heroic Pants.

For these pants didst possess the power to increase one’s fortitude and endurance, such that the one who wore them couldst fill any hero’s pants, no matter how great or small.

And then the Dudes didst head out and didst finish beating up the Evil Toasters. And that was when five fell figures didst appear on the scene.

‘Not these guys again!’ cried Myles, and he didst ask of his sister, ‘What’s the matter? Thine imagination having reruns?’

‘This time we art no longer mere shadows, only able to come out on Odnohween Night…’ quoth the leader of the five. ‘Now every day shalt be Odnohween! Alloweth us to introduce ourselves: we art the Mushroom Thieves!’

And one of them didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

‘No-Shoh!’ cried one of the five. ‘He’s always doing that!’

‘No matter,’ quoth the leader of the group. ‘We shall crush them, or my name isn’t Naginata, the Polite Assassin!’

And Dirty Uncle Orty didst step forward with the Gothic Axe, and RJ with the Hyper-X Buttplate. But Booby was confused, and he didst just stand by.

Yet no matter how hard they fought, the Dudes didst find themselves outmatched.

‘We couldst use thy pants!’ RJ spake unto Myles.

‘I shall not fight figments of other people’s imaginations,’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.

‘No,’ Adria said disgustedly unto her brother, ‘thou only get’st thine ass kicked by them!’

And it came to pass that Yoco and Casey came upon the battle and jumped into the fray, wielding the might of the Edge and the Hammer of Not Bickering. And Jennifer, who was tired of just watching the guys do battle (and of hearing “High” Priestess jokes from these losers) didst use her Split-Form Technique to surround one of the evil warriors.

And that was when Naginata didst finally get into the act. For the Polite Assassin was much stronger than the other Mushroom Thieves, and his power didst turn the tide back in their favor.

‘Thou’rt the Man!’ cried one of the Mushroom Thieves. Quoth another, ‘Ye rock!’

‘No,’ quoth Naginata, ‘only The Man is The Man. Before I wipe all of thee out, I wouldst like to thank whoever freed us from the shadows.’

‘Shit on toxic toast!’ cried Nori as she and the other Dudes didst come upon the battle. ‘Not these guys again! Yo, Scoot! Thou knoweth the fuckin’ drill! Come on! Stomp! And shake that ghetto booty!’

‘So thou’rt the Ass-Kickin’ Apostle of Hondo,’ quoth Naginata. ‘No offense, but thy friends were too weak for good sport.’

‘Thy mother doth set clocks in Hell,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Thou’rt no match for the Power of Steel,’ quoth Naginata, ‘so pay The Man!’

‘Well,’ Scoot said unto his new sword, ‘ ’tis time for us to join in the fight.’

And Scoot didst open a can of Whoop-Ass, and he didst drink of it before battling Naginata.

Whilst the Dudes didst hold the other Mushroom Thieves at bay, Scoot and Naginata didst clash blades in a battle of wills. Scoot couldst feel the power of the HellRazor floweth through him like lightning.

And Scoot didst slash through Naginata’s belt, causing his pants to fall down.

‘Hey!’ cried Naginata. ‘I wasn’t ready yet!’

‘Thou hast forgotten the cardinal rule of combat,’ quoth Scoot. ‘Do unto others before they canst do unto thee.’

And Naginata didst pull his pants up and didst attack again. But Scoot didst shatter his sword with one blow from the HellRazor.

‘That… that’s no ordinary blade!’ gasped Naginata. ‘So thou’rt the one who removed the HellRazor from its resting place!’

‘They warned thee about me…’ quoth Scoot.

‘Nooo! This can’t be!’ cried Naginata. And his pants didst fall down again. ‘I am the Great Naginata! No mere mortal canst defeat me!’

‘Keep it in thy pants, Naginata!’ quoth Nori.

‘Thou be trippin’, Homes!’ quoth one of the Mushroom Thieves.

‘Remember, thou’rt white, Hoko,’ quoth another.

And the Mushroom Thieves didst vanish in a puff of pixie dust.

And it came to pass that there was another crisis in the Middle East, and the TV news needed consultants, so Scoot couldst not hail a New York taxi. And Matt didst drive up with Bree in a Geo.

And the Dudes didst all pile in and take a ride on the wild side, for Matt was also the God of Parking, as ’twas also under his jurisdiction as the God of Everything Else.

‘Damn!’ cried Nori. ‘How the fuck didst thou manage to cram all these losers in here?’

‘To this car,’ spake the Goddess of Being Mean, ‘there is more than meets the eye.’

‘For it looketh like unto a Geo,’ spake the God of Texas Breath Exhaled, ‘but we have altered its dimensions to maketh it the ultimate clown car! We couldst stuffeth twice as many people in here!’

‘How?’ asked Casey. ‘I canst not feel my legs!’

‘And it canst also transform into a four-story-tall robot weasel!’ spake the Goddess of Wisdom.

‘Or a Bathyscaph!’ spake the God of Urinating on Small Children. ‘ ’Tis a Triple Changer!’

‘I doubt that,’ quoth Nori. ‘This car is like Lucifer: it hath no balls!’

‘Speaking of which,’ quoth Scoot ‘the Geo seemeth to be running better than usual. What hast thou been feeding those squirrels lately?’