Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Hairy Plunger and the Prisoner of Alcatraz

by Fluffington 0 reviews

The exciting third book in the Hairy Plunger series. Please don't read this.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Humor,Parody - Characters: Harry,Hermione,Lupin,Ron,Sirius - Warnings: [!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2010-11-24 - Updated: 2010-11-25 - 1703 words - Complete

We meet our hero once again wasting his life away. Hairy was at the Vermins this summer (like all summers) and was miserable. Being the ripe old age of Thirteen, Hairy felt like a teenager.
A fat lady named Marsh was over for dinner and Hairy didn't like that. All throughout the night it was "Please pass the potatoes" this and "Thank you" that. Finally, Hairy had enough.
He heard her talk and assumed it had to do with his parents, so Hairy pulled out his wand and made Marsh fat. Uncle Vermin was amused, but also angry. Dud was fat, but fortified.
Before the Vermins could scold Hairy properly, a bus called "The Polar Express" took Hairy away. The bus then arrived at a place. The conductor wanted Hairy to go inside. Hairy went inside.
Inside, Hairy went. The leader of the Lizarding world wanted to talk to him.
"Hi, my name is Fudge, Hairy!" Said Fudge, Hairy.
Hairy noted that he liked chocolate.
"It's illegal to pull out your wand in front of muggers, but you did nothing wrong", he said, which was a relief to Hairy.
With that said, The Polar Express grabbed Hairy and brought him to the Weasel's house. Inside the Weasel house was Run, Her, Jenny, Run's-Brothers-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, and the crazy lady. Of course, they were always there every summer, so nothing changed. Hairy did note that Jenny wasn't yet a teenager, although Run and Her were. Mysteries aside, Hairy was glad to see everyone.
The next day was the annual school shopping spree, or as Her put it, "Educational Spending". Run wanted candy. Run was a teenager, so he wanted to go out with someone. He chose Hairy. Hairy and Run went to buy the third Harry Potter book before it sold out. Her already bought hers, so she just needed more cat litter for Chemistry.
While everyone went shopping, no one read the newspapers. Or watched the news. As it turns out, Serious Whack was loose from the Alcatraz prison and in hiding somewhere. People were on high alert. Except most people weren't, because the news was largely ignored.
Anyways, in the bookstore was the newest rope for Spinach games. It was called the "Over 9000" rope and was supposed to be really good. Whether or not it actually was, Hairy wanted it. Unfortunately, all of Hairy's money was in the bank.
When everyone was all done shopping, it was time to board the train on the platform Nintendo 64. Everyone boarded except the crazy lady. She waved good-bye.
On the train there were kids. Nothing new. Everything had felt like a teenage wasteland for Hairy. Or a teenage dream. Either way, it was rather uneventful. Hairy just couldn't wait to get to Warthogs. But before he could get there, Run talked to him.
"So, I heard you got sent to Fudge", said Run.
Hairy replied yes.
"Was he tasty?"
"Not really".
"I'm disappointed".
Just then, Her came around.
"C'mon Hairy, you need social interaction! Let Run tell you things", suggested Her.
"Okay", replied Hairy.
Hairy decided that talking to Run was pointless.
Finally, they were at Warthogs. There were phantom things around the school. They looked gloomy. Even so, Hairy was curious.
"Hey Run, what are those things?" Asked Hairy.
"Those are Demented, but don't take my word for it!" Replied Run.
Hairy didn't. Her interjected.
"To figure that out, I'll need to use wand!"
"Editorial!" Echoed Her, chanting a spell. Just then, a newspaper appeared.
"Oh no! This is bad!" Muttered Her.
"What? Did Chemistry eat Rabies?" Asked Run.
"Don't worry, that hasn't happened yet".
"So what's the matter?"
"The Demented are prison guards at Alcatraz. Serious has escaped and is supposed to be a bad guy, So Dementeds are looking for him. I guess Serious might like Warthogs too".
"Okay", Hairy replied.
Run was the only one not gloomed out by the Demented as the three walked inside Warthogs.
Inside was the sorting cat doing its practices. Hairy ignored it and walked up to Grip a Door. St. Nick was counting the days until Christmas while playing golf with the Red Baron (Slip 'N Slide's ghost). Hairy needed to relax, unfortunately, room service for Grip a Door was temporary out of error.
While Hairy, Her, and Run were getting dressed into pajamas, Run was eating frogs. All of a sudden, Run panicked.
"Where is Rabies?!" Cried out Run.
Hairy noted that he didn't hear a word Run said.
"Did you eat Rabies, Hairy?!"
"No", replied Hairy.
"I've got it! CHEMISTRY ATE RABIES!!!" Outbursted Run.
"Now it happened", remarked Her.
"H-How could you say that?! Chemistry is my life!" Sobbed Her.
And with that, Run and Her weren't friends. Hairy wasn't sure which chemistry was Her's life.
The next day, Hairy went to classes in the school portion of Warthogs. Everything was mostly the same, except now the new dark Arts teacher was some hairy guy named Loopy. Run thought he smelled like wet frog. Nobody knew that he was part frog. Overall he was a good teacher, except sometimes he would teach the class.
One fine day when the sun was shining, Professor McDonald's had an announcement:
"Anyone Third-year and above will be treated to go to Hog's Meat: A mall filled with outdoor areas and alcoholic beverages. However, to get in, you must have no detentions".
Hairy was finally happy. He could go. He couldn't wait to go. But as soon as Hairy was about to go, Professor Rape gave Hairy detention (Hairy was the only one who got it).
Hairy was about to get bummed out again when Run's Brothers-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named gave Hairy the Murderer's Map. Now he could find hidden places and look at other people.
Christmas came around and St.Nick was freaking everyone out. The crazy lady sent Hairy a sweater in the Owl mail and Hairy also got a mysterious package. Opened up, it was "Over 9000", the best rope available for Spinach on the market. Hairy wanted to show Run, but instead wanted to see who sent it. It said it was from "The Godfather", but Hairy was never in the mafia.
Run and Her found out that Rabies was safe and at Haggard's place. Haggard told them in Nature class. Hairy tagged along too and noted that Run and her were friends again. Haggard wanted to show the gang another secret animal, because let's face it, that's what Haggard does.
The animal was called a Hieroglyph. It was part bird, horse, and Egyptian. Plus it could fly. Hairy wrote all about the Hieroglyph so he wouldn't have to study it later in Nature class. Run still didn't like chemistry, but thought the cat was alright.
One fine snowy day, Her and Run were in Hog's meat. Hairy used his invisible blanket and Murderer's Map to sneak in. Her and Run got some alcoholic beverages and discussed talking. All of a sudden, a snowball hit Her. Run decided Her was trying to attack him, so he then threw a snowball at Her. Thus a snowball fight was made.
Then it was decided: They were going to find out what Loopy was up to. See, every full moon, Loopy runs off somewhere. The gang had no idea where Loopy went, so they decided to follow him. Using the invisible blanket and Murderer's Map, the gang followed Loopy up to a dark place.
Once there, Loopy automatically noticed there.
"What are you kids up to?" He pondered.
Just then, Loopy paused, then spoke again.
"Oh, it's you Hairy! You and your two friends, Hermione and Ron!"
"Actually, our names our---" Interjected Her.
"It doesn't matter, really. Look, Hairy, I knew your father!"
"Really? Are you just trying to pull my leg?"
"No, No! He was a fine man. A very, very fine man".
"I wish you could tell me more", said Hairy sincerely.
"He can't, but I can!" Said a triumphant voice.
Just then a dog appeared and turned into a guy. The guy had facial hair.
"You're Serious Whack!" Exclaimed Her.
"Yes, but please, I'm not the bad guy! I'm The Godfather! I gave Hairy the Over 9000 as an anonymous gift".
"Oh, you poor thing...", muttered Hairy.
"Aw, forget about it!"
"Wait!" Paused Her. "If you're not the bad guy, then who is?"
"It's that bloody traitor, Ringworm! Granted, I did do quite a few crimes, but Ringworm joined forces with Murdermart to tell the police that I joined forces with Murdermart. Mind you, but I have a little more taste than that".
All of a sudden, something was growing in Run's pocket. A man appeared.
"Rabies, you're not supposed to do that!" Scolded Run.
"I'm not Rabies, you fool!" Cried the man, "I'm Ringworm!"
Loopy and Serious panicked. They held each other close and preyed for the best.
"Relax, I'm too weak to hurt you guys!"
Hairy noted that he looked rather weak indeed.
"Instead, I'll just turn you two in to the Dementeds so they can take you back to Alcatraz!"
"Bad Rabies, bad!" Scolded Run.
So the Demented took Serious and Loopy and everyone was somehow doomed. All hope seemed lost, even though nothing much really happened.
Then, Her showed Hairy something.
"Look Hairy! Dumbelldork gave me a deus ex machina! We can travel back in time and save Serious!"
Using the deus ex machina, Hairy and her hijacked Haggard's Hieroglyph and went looking for Serious in the past. Finally, they found Serious robbing a bank. Hairy got his attention.
"Hey Serious! Come with us if you want to live!"
"Do I know you?" Pondered Serious.
"You're The Godfather, of course you do!"
With that said, Serious hopped on the Hieroglyph and they flew off. Hairy told Serious he could keep it and use it to escape danger. Serious gave Hairy a donut.
Although the heroics were left unnoticed, the day was saved. And Ringworm ran away after Run decided not to keep him as a pet. By the end of the day, it was time to return to his Aunt and Uncle. Hairy was indifferent.
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