FicWad

Staring in the mirror I started to feel the tears rolling down my face, I ignored them. I hated crying it made me feel inferior. My hair was gone; it was a true sign of my illness. Now everywhere I went people would know. I won’t be able to make anymore friends and I'll be treated strangely, fragile and worst of all weak. I ran my hand over my bald head wishing my beautiful hair was back. I wasn’t being vain it was just that when I have hair it means I'm not sick, I'm not dying, I'm not stuck in this hospital, I'm not weak but best of all it means I can be happy, I can be with Gerard. Gerard was and always will be the love of my life but this is my third time dealing with cancer and there is no way I will survive it this time. I know how much he loves me and will continue to love me and that thought it what keeps me going everyday. Despite being pretty much doomed for lack of a better word, I still had hope I'm only human. The reality is though this is worse than before and I don’t know how long I have. After leaving tour I checked into the hospital and asked that I be treated without anyone knowing I was there. I wanted it to be as if I had dropped off the face of the earth because I couldn’t bear to see my Aunt Marie tired, scared, and sick with worry and no sleep due to spending all her time with me. She wasn’t the sick and imprisoned one I was. It would completely shatter my heart if Gerard saw me like this or had to waste his talents sitting next to a hospital bed watching me die day after day. It would have been selfish if I had let them know where I was. Three months had passed since I left. I'd received calls, e-mails, texts, voice messages, and mail which I'd had forwarded to the hospital. Not once did I open, listen, or read anything. I knew for sure I'd break down and give into my own selfish desires. Of course I longed to see the people I loved surround me as I died but as I said before the heartbreak of leaving them and seeing the scared and sad looks on their faces while they wasted their time stuck in this place with me would have been horrible and made this all a million times worse than it already was and had to be. After changing my e-mail, phone number, and returning all the letter's and ask that my mail no longer be forwarded, I gave up on ever seeing Gerard or anyone I'd once cared for ever again. This was a journey I'd have to make all by myself.

Just as I wiped the last of my tears away along with the sadness on my face the nurse walked in to give me my medicine. I smiled brightly at her as she handed me the pills and water "Thank you" I cheerily added. These poor people devoted their lives to people like me they dealt with this sadness everyday all day they didn’t need any grief from me. I could never be a doctor or a nurse I hold onto things for too long I'd never be able to deal with that kind of negative emotion constantly. "The doctor will be here in a few moments why don’t you lay down and try to just relax?" the nurse added before walking out I nodded and thanked her again for my meds. As soon as I'd layed out on my bed my doctor came in with a sullen look on his face. When your doctor can’t hide his distress you know it's bad. I'd been preparing for this I straightened up and nodded at him signaling I was ready for the news. "Collete, I really thought you'd beat this but it's come back worse than ever I won’t lie to you. I'll keep fighting if you keep fighting. You have to believe you can beat this but it will take an incredible amount of strength emotionally, mentally, physically."

"I know, I've done this before I can do it again." I flashed a dazzling smile holding back tears really selling my last sentence to the guy "I'm ready" I lied.