FicWad

I didn’t believe once that everyone was lying to me about my life in the past because it would be stupid to do. He just didn’t want me to know anything because I must have hurt him a lot or maybe I hurt for a long period of time and he wanted me to suffer. I was suffering enough, I didn’t know who I was or who I could be… it’s so hard to be in this world trying to find peace. I felt trapped.
“Gerard just doesn’t want to tell me because… I don’t know, I must have hurt him so much Quinn,” I looked down at my hand that was placed on my lap. I didn’t want to cry again. My grasp tightened around the phone.
“Just give him time,” I heard her say.
“I’ve given him 4 days,” I sighed. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this. You already know what I did to him… just tell me, please?” I pleaded.
“You know I cant Josie,” I could imagine her shaking her head. “Your doctor said it’s up to Gerard.”
“I’ll just have to call him to tell him to talk to Gerard then, because I hate this.”
“Just leave it all up to the doctor, he knows what he’s doing. Anyway hun, I gotta get this paperwork done. Don’t dwell on it too much, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Loneliness took over the atmosphere once again and it was only 7:45pm. I’ve already eaten dinner, all my paperwork was done and there wasn’t anything good on tv so I threw on my cardigan and grabbed my ipod and phone. I figured a walk will go perfectly well with the mood I was in. I remember my mother telling me that I use to always take walks whenever I felt stressed, sad or angry to walk away all the negative feelings from my body. I felt a bit better knowing that I was doing something that the old Josie always did and it wasn’t a bad thing.
I buried my hands in my denim short’s pockets and let my mind wonder while Avenged Sevenfold blasted through my ear phones. That was one mistake that I have done as I walked on the side of the road and was crossing it when someone pulled my arm back. I screamed and stumbled back and fell on my back. Two cars beeped their horns as they speeded passed the place that I was before being pulled back. I noticed my ipod was in pieces in the middle of the road where it must have dropped from the sudden impact of being pulled back.
“Are you okay?”
I looked up to see the person that saved my life, someone that I would never expect to save me from speeding cars hitting me. I realized that I was panting and my tongue wasn’t working because my body was getting over the shock so instead I nodded and looked down. I pulled myself and felt my knees like jelly. It felt like I was going to fall down any minute.
“What were you thinking Josie?!” he yelled at me. “You could of gotten yourself killed!”
“I –“ I gulped and cleared my throat. “I’m sorry.”
“You should be! I swear if you walked on that road on purpose just so you could end your life I will never forgive you for that!” he roared and obviously didn’t care about the occasional bypassers curiously look over us.
“No, I didn’t do it on purpose!” I searched the floor. “My head was elsewhere.”
“You shouldn’t be allowed to walk alone at all times!”
“Well I’m sorry that I live alone!” then somehow I lost control and my jelly knees gave way under me but he caught me just in time and held me up. That’s when I lost control of my emotions and started sobbing in his chest. “I’m sorry, I just stupidly walked across that road without looking!”
“It’s okay now,” he kissed the top of my head and hugged me.
I wanted to scream out that it wasn’t but instead I nodded, I didn’t want to scare him away.
“Do you want to go to Starbucks or something? We’ll get you some water and calm you down.”
“Gerard, you don’t have to do this. I’m fine now and thank you for saving my life.” I looked up at him for real time. He looked shaken as I was but he had a small smile playing on my lips.
“You’re welcome and no I want to do this, can you walk properly?” he loosened his arms around me.
I wanted to cry and thank him for being so humble but again I was so scared to scare him away. I stood on my feet that still felt like jelly, "I'll be fine," my voice sounded unsure.
"You're lying," his smile faded as if a memory of the past hit him then wrapped his arm around my waist. "Just in case," he said.
We walked slowly to Starbucks occasionally making small conversation. It was a bit awkward to me probably because I wasn't use to being social and civil with Gerard. I wonder how the old me acted around him...

Instead of water I got myself a chai latte and sipped I awkwardly and avoided looking at Gerard who was watching me intently as if all of a sudden a car was going to hit me. 
"I'm glad you're not hurt," he said all of a sudden.
I slightly nodded, "I'm glad too."
"I wouldn't want you to be leaving us like that... Would of made me feel bad."
I looked up at him questioningly.
"I mean -" he tried to think of something to say.
"It's okay, with whatever you were going to say..."

I knew he was going to say something about the past or our previous encounter that has made him feel bad but I didn't want to be there to hear it. I felt sick about it for some reason. As if he felt sorry for me and decided to tell me about the past.

"I - um want to go home. I feel tired," I stood up to farewell him.
"I call a taxi and take you home," he said and followed me out of the cafe.
"It's okay you know, I'll be fine going home on my own."
"Are you sure?" he looked uncertain.
I nodded and smiled at him, "Thank you for saving me."
He nodded.

I was certain that he pitied me, and I hated it so much. I couldn't stand being around him, let alone it cuts my desperation of trying to find out anything about the past. On the way home in the taxi, I vowed myself that I would stop looking for answers and just live my life.


I'm sorry if it sounds confusing but I'll get this back on track.