FicWad

And it came to pass that as the Dudes were on their way to Scoot’s old house, the God of Messing with People’s Minds didst appear before them as turkey on rye with a little bit of mayo, and said unto them: ‘Hail, Dudes! Whilst we were waiting for thee to complete thy present labor, we didst think up a new name for McBean.

‘From henceforth, thy name shalt be Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Skanky-Bitch.’

‘Dammit!’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Ye screamed,’ spake the God of Dammit as he didst appear before them as a bald, fat guy who wouldst cometh by and eateth turkey on rye.

When he had finished eating, the God of Hawai’ian Shirts said unto them: ‘Ha! Now I am in control! That’ll teacheth him to hog the Remote!

‘Now I must away to Asgard before Matt canst findeth where I hid the Remote…’

‘Too late, dumbass!’ spake the God of Dwr Budr as he didst appear unto them as Richard Simmons.

‘Goddammit!’ cried the God of Nipples as he didst chase Matt back into nothingness with a fire extinguisher.

And the Dudes came unto Shitsplat, which is Havre, where they didst meet Scoot’s mother.

And they didst sit and talk over tea.

‘Thou seeth,’ quoth Mom, ‘Scott hath not taken his Ritalin since he was in the second grade.’

‘Well I’ll be a Martha-Stewart-fucking monkey’s uncle!’ quoth Nori. ‘So that is his problem!’

‘The Gods of Hondo have sent Scoot to do anything thou asketh of him for one day,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘Well… Scott hath not done his chores since he became an insomniac,’ quoth Mom, ‘so his task shalt be to doeth the dishes.’

‘The dishes!’ cried Scoot, ‘But I have not eaten off of them in years!’

‘I’m not finished,’ spake Mom. ‘Thou shalt also clean the bathroom.’

‘That doth not sound not so bad,’ quoth Oreamnos Americanus.

‘…And thou shalt change the Radioactive Catbox from Hell,’ finished she.

‘Nnnooooo!!!’ cried Scoot, for no one had changed the Radioactive Catbox from Hell since they moved into the house many years ago. Over the years, the catbox had stood unchanged, and those who dwelt in the house of Scoot’s mother didst only dump more litter on the pile. By this point, no one wouldst even go into the room next to the room next to the room with the Catbox, for it didst glow in the dark.

‘I have baby pictures,’ quoth she.

‘Mom!’ quoth Scoot, ‘thou’rt embarrassing me!’

‘No I’m not,’ quoth she.

And whilst Scoot didst prepare to take on the terrible task before him, she didst show the Dudes his baby pictures and tell tales of all the silly things he used to do when he was a small boy.

And after quantemplating for a few hours, Scoot didst go unto the fire hydrant outside the house, and he didst pray unto the spirit thereof.

And Scoot prayed: ‘Great spirit of the fire hydrant, I beseech thee to help me in my labor. I humbly beg of thee lend me thy full power!’

And the spirit of the fire hydrant didst lend Scoot its full power, and it didst summon the power of the spirits of the other hydrants as well, and they didst cleanse the entire house.

And it came to pass that the dishes were done, the bathroom was cleansed, and the Radioactive Catbox from Hell was no more.

And neither was the house.

‘Well,’ quoth Scoot, ‘let it never be said that Scoot the Ko’An didst fail to bring down the house!’

And the Gods of Hondo didst appear before them as a random matrix of ones and zeroes, and the God of Ass-Wipe said unto them: ‘We the Gods of Hondo have argued with the stranger—’

‘—With a little help from the Goddess of Arguing—’ added the God of Orange Juice Drinking.

‘—And he hath decided that, as thou hast actually cleaned the Radioactive Catbox from Hell, thou hast technically completed thy labor,’ continued the God of Al Roker, ‘so we art still in business. He hath not yet decided on thy next labor, so thou shalt just wander around until such time as we calleth upon thee.’

And so the Dudes didst go forth and wander as the Gods of Hondo had commanded them.