FicWad

And it came to pass that the Dudes were not abusing the sacred words of “Ni!” “Ping!” or “Neewang!”, and were not shouting them at helpless old ladies, when the God of the British appeared before them as a colossal green planet, and its gravity was so immense that it didst suck up their pants.

And the God of Eggnog-Flavored Crack said unto them: ‘A terrible evil force hath landed near here. The stranger hath challenged thee to defeat it. So go forth and buy thyselves pants. Then go forth and defeat this powerful evil force.’

And the God of Refreshing Turnip Juice didst vanish from their midst.

But the Dudes were too close to the place where the evil force had landed, and so they didst go forth without pants to do battle with it.

And the Dudes didst find an alien spaceship over the next rise, and there emerged a big, fat slime creature from outer space wearing a bucket on his head from therein.

Quoth the alien: ‘I am the Vorlon God Boojee! I am come to destroy this puny planet!’

‘The What God… Who?’ quoth Nori.

‘I am the Great Othwog’s older brother!’ quoth Boojee.

‘Who the hell is the Great Othwog?’ quoth Scoot.

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘I shall avenge my brother!’ cried Boojee. ‘I shall reduce this planet to dust! I am the great God Boojee!’

‘Thy conformity doth explain nothing,’ quoth Scoot.

‘Yeah, fuck-face!’ quoth Nori. ‘On this planet we have something called the Gods of Hondo, and they have bet a total stranger that we canst kick thy sorry ass back to whatever planet thou hast come from!’

‘Ha!’ laughed Boojee. ‘Thou hast no pants! Thou’rt no match for me!’

‘Dost thou not meaneth that we have no chance?’ quoth Yoco.

‘No, dumbass, he sayeth pants,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dost thou not remember that thou’rt fighting him in thy fuckin’ Fruit of the Looms?’

‘So before thou doth begin thy pathetic struggle to survive,’ quoth the evil Vorlon deity, ‘tell me, who doth want to be the first to taste the wrath of Boojee?’

‘Yea, tho I have no pants,’ quoth Scoot, ‘I shall find a way to defeat thee!’

And the Dudes didst attack the Vorlon God Boojee with all their might, but ’twas of no avail against the evil alien.

And it came to pass that in the midst of their battle, a sleek and deadly-looking spaceship landed near them.

And a sleek and deadly-looking figure didst emerge from the ship, and she said unto the Dudes: ‘Couldst thou use a little help?’

‘Astro Bitch!?’ cried Boojee. ‘But how didst thou findeth me?’

‘Thou leaveth a slime trail a light-year wide across the galaxy,’ quoth she. ‘Now I shall collect the bounty on thee, thou lard-ass sack of shit!’

ZAP!

And she didst blast Boojee’s ship into space dust.

‘Now there is a fighter after mine own heart,’ quoth Nori. ‘Fuck him up, Astro Bitch!’

‘No, not the ship!’ cried Boojee. ‘My father shalt excrete a brick!’

‘Quickly!’ quoth Astro Bitch. ‘Ye must destroy the bucket! As long as he hath it, he is invincible!’

BIFF!

POW!

And Scoot didst knock the bucket off of Boojee’s head.

‘Thou insignificant fool!’ cried Boojee. ‘All that thou hast done to me, I shall do unto thee one hundred fold!’

‘Yo! Fungus-Farm!’ quoth Astro Bitch. ‘Get thy fat ass over here!’

PLOOMF!

BLAH!

THOK!

And Astro Bitch didst hold Boojee at bay whilst Scoot didst draw the HellRazor and maketh his next attack.

ZIPPE!

BLURG!

SKA-POW!

‘Swok! I am slain!’ cried Boojee as he fell to the ground with a mighty thump. ‘This can’t be… They had no… pants…’

And such was the end of the Vorlon God Boojee.

And there was much rejoicing.

And as Astro Bitch didst take off in her ship to collect her bounty, for she had managed to fit 51% of the corpse on board, she proclaimed: ‘Rock thee on, Dudes! Thou putteth up one hell of a fight! Merry fuckin’ Christmas to all, and to all a good night!’

But the Dudes were still without pants, and it came to pass that Scoot was pursued by Evil-Cam, which didst hunt him through forest and field.