Categories > TV > Criminal Minds > Secrets I Never Told
Spencer was conscious but he had no idea where he was. He kept his eyes closed and his breathing steady as he tried to remember what had happened. He remembered going into his hotel room and being startled by the fact that the room was completely dark, and despite his hardest efforts he had felt the panic welling up inside. And then in an act of undisputable bravery he had passed out. At least he had passed out before he had a chance to go into a full panic attack that would have only made things worse.
He was aware of a few things. The first was that he was on a bed and judging by the way that the blankets felt under his fingers he was going to guess that he was still in his apartment. He tried not to get his hopes up too high; there were certainly things that could still happen to him, horrible things while he was still in the comfort of his own home. That would have been bad. He tried not to let his mind wonder off too much, that would be a great way to blow his cover. He knew that if he let his mind wonder then he would start thinking of all the horrible things that Gary was probably going to do to him.
The second thing that he knew he was only just made aware of. There was a noise coming from the other room which meant, quite possibly that he had been found. The third thing that he knew was that there was someone in the room with him. He hadn't known that at first and then the person sat on the bed and moved some of his hair out of his face. He tried very hard to keep himself in check but that was proving to be a very difficult task. He knew that he would have to open his eyes and when he did he was quite certain that his nightmare would start.
He tried to physically and mentally prepare himself for the brutality that he knew that Gary was more than capable of dishing out. He opened his eyes. The room was dark, and even with the person still sitting on the bed he couldn't quite tell who it was. He was certain that it wasn't Gary. The shape of the man beside him reminded him of Morgan.
"Hey there, pretty boy." Morgan said as he helped Spencer sit up. Now Spencer was completely confused. He knew that Morgan had read the note, but he didn't know how on earth Morgan got there so fast but he was glad that he did.
Morgan knew that as far as people went Spencer was emotionally distanced and didn't really like physical contact. Sure, if he was the one that initiated the contact then he was fine with it but if someone else went to hug or touch him, they had better have had a good reason for doing so. Knowing this, Morgan was completely caught off guard and surprised when Spencer hugged Morgan and allowed Morgan to hug him back. He had a suspicion that the relationship that Spencer had with Gary had been a bad one. He didn't even know Gary but he could tell you that the man was violent and he couldn't see the relationship ending on a civil note. Especially if the man felt that he had to stalk Reid.
After what seemed like way too long, Spencer let go of Morgan and tried to retain some of his dignity. "I'm sorry."
Morgan smiled and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. At least you didn't pass out again." He figured that the only reason that Reid had let go of him in the first place was because the lights had suddenly came back on.
Reid tucked his hair behind his ear as the lights flickered back on. "That was you that covered my mouth?"
With the lights back on Morgan could read the surprise that was on his friend's face. "Yeah, I figured this guy was pretty nasty if he was the cause of your panic attacks. I also figured that there was a reason why you told me to read the note, whether you understood what that reason was or not. Almost immediately after you left me and Officer Roberts followed you…good thing to. I only covered your mouth because I knew that it would only be a matter of time before you realized that someone was behind you and I didn't want you letting Gary know that he had been found out. I put you in here so that you would be out of harms way just incase things got ugly."
Reid nodded. "Anything else?"
"Do you ever get tired of being right?" Morgan smiled at the shocked look that Reid gave him.
"I know what that means, but what do you mean?"
Morgan's smile got wider. "Just before I left Hotch found your little comparison note. He realized that all of the victims looked similar to you and that the cities that they were murdered in, corresponded with our locations on different cases. When you said that he was stalking you, you weren't kidding. Now, Hotch is mad that you decided to meet with this guy on your own and he does want to talk to you as soon as you're back at work. In the end though, I'm just glad that we caught that guy before he could leave."
"He was planning on leaving?"
Morgan nodded. "And he was going to take you with him. He had everything very carefully planned out. He had the whole thing planned in stages so that it would take them awhile to find you. I guess he was going for the 'if I can't have him, nobody can.' It wouldn't have mattered, even if he had been able to get away with kidnapping you we wouldn't have stopped looking until you had been found. Luckily it hadn't come to that."
Reid sighed and brushed his hair away from his face. He could feel his heart starting to speed up and he was trying his best to not let Morgan know that he was having a hard time breathing. Morgan wasn't stupid and he knew right away that something was wrong. He also knew that Spencer was trying his hardest not to let it show. He had no idea why the young doctor always tried to be brave; especially when he didn't have to be.
He reached beside him and pulled out a pill bottle. He unscrewed the cap and put two small white pills into the palm of his hand.
"What's that?"
Reid seemed to study the pills before he answered Morgan's question. In Reid's opinion the pills made him weak. He should have been able to deal with things on his own and for some reason he just couldn't. He knew that he could trust Morgan and that he should have been able to tell him anything that was bothering him. He knew that Morgan would understand and that he would see why Red needed the medication, and that he probably should have been medicated since the Tobias Hankel case.
"It's an anxiety medication called Compazine. I was originally prescribed it during high school. I was a mess back then, only because there were a lot of kids that would pick on me because I was younger then they were but smarter than they were. They strengthened the dosage after my incident with the football team. I decided to take myself off of it when I started college because I knew that the people there would be different. I recently started having panic attacks again. When I spoke to my psychiatrist, she suggested that I go back on it."
Morgan could tell that something was wrong. It was the way that Reid refused to look at him when he spoke. It was the fact that as soon as he was done speaking, he popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them. There was a slight shake to his actions and this worried Morgan more than anything. He knew that the pills that Reid was taking were necessary to him functioning as normal as he could. It wasn't like when he had been addicted to Delaudid but he doubted that Spencer saw it that way.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
Spencer took a deep breath and tried to think of what he should say. He knew that Morgan already knew the bulk of what had been wrong and he hadn't even needed Spencer to tell him. He had been smart enough to piece together the puzzle that Reid was refusing to acknowledge and yet he was still here, concerned that perhaps Reid's problem was bigger than an ex-boyfriend. What he failed to realize and what shamed Reid most of all was that his 'newest' problem was so stupid that he doubted that he could even say it out loud. All he did was shake his head; there was no way that he could tell him.
"It's nothing."
Morgan gave Reid the look that he always gave him when he knew that he was full of shit, it was the look that usually got Reid to tell him exactly what was bothering him no matter how stupid he thought that it was. It had been obvious to Derek right from the minute that he had first met Spencer that he wasn't the best judge when it came to what was serious and what could be taken lightly. Morgan had noticed almost immediately that whenever Spencer had a problem he thought it made him weak to admit that he couldn't handle it by himself.
Morgan shook his head as he waited for Spencer to answer him. He could see the self-doubt and self-hatred in those brown eyes. It made Morgan sick when he thought of all the times that Reid had doubted his ability to do his job. That usually came when someone learned of how young he was and they figured that he wasn't smart enough to do the job; that was until they realized that he had been hand picked for the BAU. That usually changed their tune. Morgan was snapped back into reality when he heard Spencer clear his throat.
"I thought I wasn't weak, that's what I told Hankel and my mother. I wasn't telling the truth. The fact of the matter is, if I am completely honest with myself then I will be the first one to admit that I am weak, these prove it." He shook the bottle of pills and then placed them back in the drawer.
"Reid, there is nothing wrong with admitting when you need help or getting help. That doesn't make you weak. Taking that medication isn't the same as taking Delaudid."
Reid shook his head. "How can I make you understand? I'll use Gary as an example. The first time that he hit me he swore that he would never do that again. I have an IQ 187 so I am by no means stupid; I knew that he was lying even if he thought that he was telling the truth. But that didn't matter. He could have hit me a thousand times and I probably would have stayed with him. The only reason we broke up was I started training for the FBI and I knew that things would not go well for me if they thought that I was gay. If I hadn't gotten it, I probably would still be with him now. I thought that I deserved the abuse for what I had done to my mother."
Morgan shook his head, more out of frustration and pity then anything else. He knew that Spencer was a little messed up when it came to family stuff and was definitely a wet end when it came to relationships but he had no idea that it was this bad. Derek knew that Spencer had had his mother committed when he was eighteen; that was common knowledge among the team but something that was never spoken out loud. He had no idea that Spencer blamed himself. He couldn't imagine what that must have been like for his friend.
"Reid, violence is never the answer, you know that. If it wasn't you that he had became infatuated with it would have just been someone else. You didn't deserve what he had done to you, what he had been planning on doing. He is a very sick man. And his attitude towards you was not a reflection on what you had done to your mother. You did what you thought was best, what you thought that you had to do. There is no use beating yourself up over it now."
Reid nodded. He knew that that line of thinking made a lot more sense then he did. But he couldn't help but think that it was his fault. For as long as he could remember just about everything bad that had happened to him had been his fault. When he had gotten beaten up at school the bullies had said that it was his fault because he was different, and some of the teachers (the ones that didn't particularly like him because he was smarter then they were) said that he was just looking for trouble. His father had left because he hadn't been strong enough to make him stay. He had gotten shot because he wasn't fast enough. He had gotten kidnapped because he had been smart enough to realize that their Unsub was dangerous and therefore he should not have split up from J.J. Everything was always his fault and he was pretty sure that it always would be.
Morgan stared at his friend. He knew that Reid was more than likely over analyzing the situation. Derek wished that there was something that he could say or do that would make Reid realize that none of this was his fault and that he wasn't responsible for every bad thing that happened, he knew that there wasn't. He knew that that was something that Reid was just going to have to figure out on his own.
"Look, I should go. But if you need to talk about anything. You know that I'm here right?" Morgan said while stepping away from Reid. He didn't really want to go but he knew that if he stayed they were just going to be going in circles and that wasn't good for either one of them.
Reid nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that if he said anything that he could end up just blabbering, he knew that he did that sometimes. If he did that, then there was a strong possibility that he would end up admitting to things that Derek didn't really need to know. He watched Derek leave, not wanting to think of all the trouble that he was going to be in, when he got back with the team in the morning.
He was aware of a few things. The first was that he was on a bed and judging by the way that the blankets felt under his fingers he was going to guess that he was still in his apartment. He tried not to get his hopes up too high; there were certainly things that could still happen to him, horrible things while he was still in the comfort of his own home. That would have been bad. He tried not to let his mind wonder off too much, that would be a great way to blow his cover. He knew that if he let his mind wonder then he would start thinking of all the horrible things that Gary was probably going to do to him.
The second thing that he knew he was only just made aware of. There was a noise coming from the other room which meant, quite possibly that he had been found. The third thing that he knew was that there was someone in the room with him. He hadn't known that at first and then the person sat on the bed and moved some of his hair out of his face. He tried very hard to keep himself in check but that was proving to be a very difficult task. He knew that he would have to open his eyes and when he did he was quite certain that his nightmare would start.
He tried to physically and mentally prepare himself for the brutality that he knew that Gary was more than capable of dishing out. He opened his eyes. The room was dark, and even with the person still sitting on the bed he couldn't quite tell who it was. He was certain that it wasn't Gary. The shape of the man beside him reminded him of Morgan.
"Hey there, pretty boy." Morgan said as he helped Spencer sit up. Now Spencer was completely confused. He knew that Morgan had read the note, but he didn't know how on earth Morgan got there so fast but he was glad that he did.
Morgan knew that as far as people went Spencer was emotionally distanced and didn't really like physical contact. Sure, if he was the one that initiated the contact then he was fine with it but if someone else went to hug or touch him, they had better have had a good reason for doing so. Knowing this, Morgan was completely caught off guard and surprised when Spencer hugged Morgan and allowed Morgan to hug him back. He had a suspicion that the relationship that Spencer had with Gary had been a bad one. He didn't even know Gary but he could tell you that the man was violent and he couldn't see the relationship ending on a civil note. Especially if the man felt that he had to stalk Reid.
After what seemed like way too long, Spencer let go of Morgan and tried to retain some of his dignity. "I'm sorry."
Morgan smiled and shook his head. "Don't worry about it. At least you didn't pass out again." He figured that the only reason that Reid had let go of him in the first place was because the lights had suddenly came back on.
Reid tucked his hair behind his ear as the lights flickered back on. "That was you that covered my mouth?"
With the lights back on Morgan could read the surprise that was on his friend's face. "Yeah, I figured this guy was pretty nasty if he was the cause of your panic attacks. I also figured that there was a reason why you told me to read the note, whether you understood what that reason was or not. Almost immediately after you left me and Officer Roberts followed you…good thing to. I only covered your mouth because I knew that it would only be a matter of time before you realized that someone was behind you and I didn't want you letting Gary know that he had been found out. I put you in here so that you would be out of harms way just incase things got ugly."
Reid nodded. "Anything else?"
"Do you ever get tired of being right?" Morgan smiled at the shocked look that Reid gave him.
"I know what that means, but what do you mean?"
Morgan's smile got wider. "Just before I left Hotch found your little comparison note. He realized that all of the victims looked similar to you and that the cities that they were murdered in, corresponded with our locations on different cases. When you said that he was stalking you, you weren't kidding. Now, Hotch is mad that you decided to meet with this guy on your own and he does want to talk to you as soon as you're back at work. In the end though, I'm just glad that we caught that guy before he could leave."
"He was planning on leaving?"
Morgan nodded. "And he was going to take you with him. He had everything very carefully planned out. He had the whole thing planned in stages so that it would take them awhile to find you. I guess he was going for the 'if I can't have him, nobody can.' It wouldn't have mattered, even if he had been able to get away with kidnapping you we wouldn't have stopped looking until you had been found. Luckily it hadn't come to that."
Reid sighed and brushed his hair away from his face. He could feel his heart starting to speed up and he was trying his best to not let Morgan know that he was having a hard time breathing. Morgan wasn't stupid and he knew right away that something was wrong. He also knew that Spencer was trying his hardest not to let it show. He had no idea why the young doctor always tried to be brave; especially when he didn't have to be.
He reached beside him and pulled out a pill bottle. He unscrewed the cap and put two small white pills into the palm of his hand.
"What's that?"
Reid seemed to study the pills before he answered Morgan's question. In Reid's opinion the pills made him weak. He should have been able to deal with things on his own and for some reason he just couldn't. He knew that he could trust Morgan and that he should have been able to tell him anything that was bothering him. He knew that Morgan would understand and that he would see why Red needed the medication, and that he probably should have been medicated since the Tobias Hankel case.
"It's an anxiety medication called Compazine. I was originally prescribed it during high school. I was a mess back then, only because there were a lot of kids that would pick on me because I was younger then they were but smarter than they were. They strengthened the dosage after my incident with the football team. I decided to take myself off of it when I started college because I knew that the people there would be different. I recently started having panic attacks again. When I spoke to my psychiatrist, she suggested that I go back on it."
Morgan could tell that something was wrong. It was the way that Reid refused to look at him when he spoke. It was the fact that as soon as he was done speaking, he popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them. There was a slight shake to his actions and this worried Morgan more than anything. He knew that the pills that Reid was taking were necessary to him functioning as normal as he could. It wasn't like when he had been addicted to Delaudid but he doubted that Spencer saw it that way.
"Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"
Spencer took a deep breath and tried to think of what he should say. He knew that Morgan already knew the bulk of what had been wrong and he hadn't even needed Spencer to tell him. He had been smart enough to piece together the puzzle that Reid was refusing to acknowledge and yet he was still here, concerned that perhaps Reid's problem was bigger than an ex-boyfriend. What he failed to realize and what shamed Reid most of all was that his 'newest' problem was so stupid that he doubted that he could even say it out loud. All he did was shake his head; there was no way that he could tell him.
"It's nothing."
Morgan gave Reid the look that he always gave him when he knew that he was full of shit, it was the look that usually got Reid to tell him exactly what was bothering him no matter how stupid he thought that it was. It had been obvious to Derek right from the minute that he had first met Spencer that he wasn't the best judge when it came to what was serious and what could be taken lightly. Morgan had noticed almost immediately that whenever Spencer had a problem he thought it made him weak to admit that he couldn't handle it by himself.
Morgan shook his head as he waited for Spencer to answer him. He could see the self-doubt and self-hatred in those brown eyes. It made Morgan sick when he thought of all the times that Reid had doubted his ability to do his job. That usually came when someone learned of how young he was and they figured that he wasn't smart enough to do the job; that was until they realized that he had been hand picked for the BAU. That usually changed their tune. Morgan was snapped back into reality when he heard Spencer clear his throat.
"I thought I wasn't weak, that's what I told Hankel and my mother. I wasn't telling the truth. The fact of the matter is, if I am completely honest with myself then I will be the first one to admit that I am weak, these prove it." He shook the bottle of pills and then placed them back in the drawer.
"Reid, there is nothing wrong with admitting when you need help or getting help. That doesn't make you weak. Taking that medication isn't the same as taking Delaudid."
Reid shook his head. "How can I make you understand? I'll use Gary as an example. The first time that he hit me he swore that he would never do that again. I have an IQ 187 so I am by no means stupid; I knew that he was lying even if he thought that he was telling the truth. But that didn't matter. He could have hit me a thousand times and I probably would have stayed with him. The only reason we broke up was I started training for the FBI and I knew that things would not go well for me if they thought that I was gay. If I hadn't gotten it, I probably would still be with him now. I thought that I deserved the abuse for what I had done to my mother."
Morgan shook his head, more out of frustration and pity then anything else. He knew that Spencer was a little messed up when it came to family stuff and was definitely a wet end when it came to relationships but he had no idea that it was this bad. Derek knew that Spencer had had his mother committed when he was eighteen; that was common knowledge among the team but something that was never spoken out loud. He had no idea that Spencer blamed himself. He couldn't imagine what that must have been like for his friend.
"Reid, violence is never the answer, you know that. If it wasn't you that he had became infatuated with it would have just been someone else. You didn't deserve what he had done to you, what he had been planning on doing. He is a very sick man. And his attitude towards you was not a reflection on what you had done to your mother. You did what you thought was best, what you thought that you had to do. There is no use beating yourself up over it now."
Reid nodded. He knew that that line of thinking made a lot more sense then he did. But he couldn't help but think that it was his fault. For as long as he could remember just about everything bad that had happened to him had been his fault. When he had gotten beaten up at school the bullies had said that it was his fault because he was different, and some of the teachers (the ones that didn't particularly like him because he was smarter then they were) said that he was just looking for trouble. His father had left because he hadn't been strong enough to make him stay. He had gotten shot because he wasn't fast enough. He had gotten kidnapped because he had been smart enough to realize that their Unsub was dangerous and therefore he should not have split up from J.J. Everything was always his fault and he was pretty sure that it always would be.
Morgan stared at his friend. He knew that Reid was more than likely over analyzing the situation. Derek wished that there was something that he could say or do that would make Reid realize that none of this was his fault and that he wasn't responsible for every bad thing that happened, he knew that there wasn't. He knew that that was something that Reid was just going to have to figure out on his own.
"Look, I should go. But if you need to talk about anything. You know that I'm here right?" Morgan said while stepping away from Reid. He didn't really want to go but he knew that if he stayed they were just going to be going in circles and that wasn't good for either one of them.
Reid nodded. He didn't trust himself to speak. He knew that if he said anything that he could end up just blabbering, he knew that he did that sometimes. If he did that, then there was a strong possibility that he would end up admitting to things that Derek didn't really need to know. He watched Derek leave, not wanting to think of all the trouble that he was going to be in, when he got back with the team in the morning.
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