Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Hairy Plunger and the Goblin For Hire

by Fluffington 0 reviews

The last book (Hairy Plunger and the Prisoner of Alcatraz) was when the series jumped the shark. It's all down hill from here.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Humor,Parody - Warnings: [!!] [V] [X] [?] - Published: 2010-12-06 - Updated: 2010-12-07 - 2029 words - Complete

Today we meet our hero not being a hero. Actually, it's night time. And he's asleep. And he's dreaming of something dark, sinister, and involving snakes (He's a teenage boy).
Here's what the dream was about, just in case anyone actually wanted to know:
"Yo Ringworm, feed that guy to my snake!" Said a voice.
"Yes master, just as long as I get my kibbles", said another voice (Presumably Ringworm's).
"Silence, creature! I am disformed!"
There was a man who was scared. A snake was scaring the man because the snake was going to feed on the man. The man whimpered. The snake gulped. And they all lived happily ever after.
Hairy woke up because he could identify with the man. Uncle Vermin heard Hairy talk in his sleep and yelled at Hairy to stop being crazy. Hairy had enough of Uncle Vermin picking on Hairy and decided to fly off to the Weasel's house. There, the crazy lady was.
"So glad you could join us, Hairy!" Said the crazy lad. Hairy stayed calm, despite how crazy she was.
"WE'RE GOING TO FIFA!" Yelled Run.
Run's dad, Mr. Weasel, was there. He jumped out in front of Hairy.
"Yes, we and you and I are planning on using a Porky to get into the Spinach world cup. Her and Jenny are out buying the fourth Harry Potter book, so they'll be meeting us there". Mr. Weasel paused, then continued. "We got the best seats in the house!"
Hairy, Run, Mr. Weasel, Chemistry, and the Crazy Lady jumped in the Porky. Hairy noted that he's never actually tried bacon. Not like that matters, though.
Anyways, they had arrived at the FIFA Spinach World Cup entrance. Her and Jenny ran up to everyone in joy.
"We got textbooks for everyone!" Exclaimed Her.
"OMG Hairy! U R here!" Texted Jenny out loud.
Hairy noted that Jenny was still younger than Hairy, but at least now she had become a teenager. Jenny was cute, but Hairy noted something else. There were boxes.
Hairy wanted to know what the boxes were for, and why they were so close to the game.
"What are the boxes for and why are they so close to the game?" Asked Hairy curiously.
"We've got the best seats in the house, boy! Top box!" Boasted Mr. Weasel.
Hairy and the gang sat in the box. Suddenly, Dragon appeared. His dad, Lustful, was also there. They too were in a box.
The game was exciting until fireworks appeared. Then everyone got scared.
"IT'S A SIGN FROM HE-WHO-MUST-NOT-BE-TALKED-ABOUT!" Screamed a person previously watching the game. The spinach game was interrupted so more people could panic. They did.
"Quick children, take this Porky to Warthogs!" Shouted Mr. Weasel in a fatherly voice.
The children did. The children were Hairy, Her, Jenny, and Run. Dragon got to Warthogs through his dad. Once there, something began. More importantly, Dumbelldork had an announcement:
"I know Y'all just got here, but I have an announcement! This year, other schools and ours will be participating in a four round death trap to decide who gets to be titled a master Lizard! Only four will participate, and to decide, we've got this Goblin For Hire!" Lengthily said Dumbelldork.
Just then, a rather bored looking Goblin appeared. It was fat and Goblin-like, but it was not a troll. It seemed rather rude, though.
"Why couldn't you fools just use the Sorting Cat to announce names? Seriously? You had to pick some bum like me?! Is the Lizard economy so bad that they just had to pick me? Whatever. Let me think while I choose names", said the Goblin.
The Goblin's name was Sega, but that wasn't important. Hairy noted that Run wasn't to be seen. Run was at the Warthogs gift shop getting a frog to eat.
Everyone wanted their name picked, including St. Nick.
"I hope I get to participate in a death trap! I've never died before!" Hoped St. Nick.
Finally, the Goblin was done. He cleared his throat, then moaned people's names.
"Here you fools go! Here's the names--- Hedwig, Big Crumb, Siren Girl, and Hairy Plunger!"
Dragon was mad at Hairy because he wanted to have his name moaned. Professor McDonalds was confused because kids weren't supposed to participate in the death trap. Dumbelldork allowed Hairy to anyways, because he knew that Hairy really wanted to do it.
"Professor McDonalds, I don't want to participate in this! Let Run do it instead!" Begged Hairy.
"Sorry, rules are rules. Even if you being in this death trap is against the rules, the rules state that once a name has been moaned, it can't be pulled out", stated Professor McDonalds.
Hairy moaned a little too, but had to get dressed for the night because it was late and tomorrow Warthogs would be a school. Her and Run were getting dressed too while reading from their textbooks.

The next day, you know what Warthogs was. This year, Mad Cow Disease taught dark arts while the other teachers did their usual. Mad Cow Disease taught the kids how to kill others with magic so it could help them out later in life. Hairy liked Mad Cow.

The first round was a day away. To get a clue as to what was in it, Hairy asked Haggard.
"'M No' Suppose ter 'ell you 'his, but 'ou'll be fightin' Dragons from the 'ovie ''Ow Ter Train Yer Dragon!" Roared Haggard. Hairy thanked Haggard and trained for the upcoming fight. Her used chemistry to create a baby dragon for Hairy to attack. When the baby dragon was dead, Hairy went to bed.

The next day was the first round. Hairy, naturally, was in his boxers. All the other participants already did their dragons. Now it was Hairy's turn.
He got on his Spinach rope (the Over 9000) and used a de-aging spell to turn his dragon into a baby dragon. Then he pat it on the head.
"Look! We don't have to fight them! We can train them!" Sighed Hairy.
Everyone booed, but decided that Hairy won this round. Hairy didn't care, even though Hairy was a teenager. Haggard gave Hairy a chicken leg.
The second round was going to be announced by Professor McDonalds during dinner. Hairy couldn't wait. Neither could Run, he was hungry. Her just wanted to tag along.
Then, it was food time. Professor McDonalds gave the announcement:
"The second round is in a week. It is going to be a formal dance. Because no one will be chaperoning, we trust that everyone will dance cleanly. If I hear otherwise, then Professor Rape will give detention and you'll be eliminated. Now have fun!"
The announcement was over. Run was still waiting for the announcement. It never started. Run decided it would be best to eat a frog, since he was disappointed. Hairy needed a date.
"Her, can you go to dance with me?" Asked Hairy.
"Sorry Mister, but I already chose Big Crumb. He's foreign and good at Chemistry", explained Her.
"Oh, I see", Said Hairy.
Next, Hairy went for Ca-Ching, Hairy's crush.
"Sorry Hairy, but I'm planning on doing Hedwig", replied Ca.
Hairy didn't ask Jenny out because he was too tired and not in the mood. Hairy was running out of ideas. He would lose the second round if he didn't have a girl to go out with.
Then Hairy saw the Siren girl. But he was too late because Run got to her first. Luckily, she had a sister. Now Hairy was ready. Run chose to go out with a frog, but luckily the Siren girl had frogs.
The dance was commenced. People danced. Hairy and Run kept switching partners depending on who had more frogs at the time. Then Hairy and Run danced. Her discussed wands with Crumb, and Haggard had a date too.
Then Haggard got a black eye full of meat because he thought his date was big boned when really she was a giant. All went well and as it turned out, no one was eliminated.

Someone stopped to interview Hairy the next day.
"So Hairy, I hear that you're a teenager, is that true?" Asked the Someone.
"Yes, now who are you?" Hairy asked this time.
"Ritz Crackers, I'm a tabloid Paparazzi", said Ritz.
"Oh, okay".
Ritz Crackers' article said that Hairy was in fact a teenager.
"Hey! That's not what I said!" Said Hairy.
Hairy didn't like how Ritz was twisting Hairy's words. Her article said that Hairy didn't like how Ritz was twisting his words. Yet again, Hairy was annoyed. He yelled at Ritz to get out, so she did. Ritz later went insane and was never seen again.
As a clue for the third round, Hairy was given a ball. Hairy didn't know what to do with it, but Aroused April had a suggestion.
"Take a bath with it", She said suggestively.
"Okay", replied Hairy.
Hairy went into the Grip a Door bathtub late at night and put the ball in the water. The Siren Girl sneaked in to see what would happen.
"Ohhh Yes!" Said Aroused April.
"Oh, hi there Hairy! I like clues too", said the Siren Girl.
The ball started to glow and then soup appeared. Hairy didn't understand what that was supposed to mean, so he went back to bed. He didn't feel like doing anything, so he fell asleep.

Okay, so next day was round three. Run and Her left a note saying that they no longer liked Hairy. Hairy got into a swimsuit. As it turns out, the third round was about the participants saving their dates from mermaids.
Hairy swam to save people. Once of the participants had to be saved because she was one of Hairy's dates (it's the Siren Girl). Hairy saved her. Then he saved Her (Crumb couldn't do it, so he got eliminated). Last, he saved Run. It turns out that the mermaids forced the note to make it look like Run and Her no longer liked Hairy. The truth is, the mermaids were kinda cute.
To celebrate, Run took the gang out to dinner. They feasted on Pete. The Siren Girl came along because she was saved. Hairy still didn't know Siren Girl's actual name.
"What's your actual name?" Asked Hairy to the Siren Girl.
"It's Patty Liz, but you can call me BOOTS THE MONKEY!!!" She screamed.
"Okay, Boots it is then".
Hairy and gang had fun. Then they got some candy from Run's-Brothers-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. All in all, it was a grand slice of life time. Hairy was neutral. But trouble was brewing in the midst.
Because Boots was saved, she was eliminated, but lucky for the main characters, Hairy wasn't. Neither was Hedwig. Hedwig was Ca-Ching's Boyfriend, but that wasn't very important (Next book it sure will be, though).

The last round was to find the Goblin in a maze. Everybody cheered on Hairy because he was the main character. Ca-Ching cheered on Hedwig because it was the romantic thing to do. And then the maze began.
Hairy and Hedwig got to the end of the maze at the same time and poked the Goblin at the same time. The Goblin said ow. Just then, the two were transported because the Goblin was really a Porky. When Hairy woke up, Hedwig was dead.
"Oh. Hedwig's dead", noted Hairy.
Just then, Ringworm appeared. Ringworm said a bunch of gibberish and then told Hairy that Murdermart was alive. Murdermart then appeared and using the dead remains of Hedwig, gained his full power. Hairy's star hurt.
"Now Hairy Plunger, YOU MUST DIE!" Cried He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Talked-About.
Hairy had one chance to do this. He needed to do his persona spell.
"Expect Patronizing!" Cried Hairy.
Stemming from his wand, a pony appeared and drove Murdermart and Ringworm away. Hairy was exhausted and took Hedwig's dead body back to Warthogs.
Back at Warthogs, Hairy sobbed.
"MURDERMART KILLED HEDWIG!" Cried Hairy with tears.
"'Hat do yer 'ean?" Aksed Haggard.
"Hedwig is DEAD!" Sobbed Hairy, crying.
As soon as Hairy stopped crying, he won the tournament. With a tear in his eye, he apathetically left Warthogs to go back to his Aunt and Uncle.
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