Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
And it came to pass that as the Dudes were passing gas in South City, that the Angel of Death came unto the city and didst enter the Monolith Corporation’s home office building.
And Death didst enter the waiting room, for a room reserved for waiting doth not serve much purpose.
And Death didst go unto the office door of Will Bates, CEO of the Monolith Corporation, but the secretary didst stop him, and she said unto him, ‘Dost thou have an appointment with Mr Bates?’
‘I am Death…’ spake Death.
‘I care not who thou art,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Dost thou have an appointment or not?’
‘No…’ spake Death ominously.
‘If thou hast not an appointment, thou shalt not enter,’ quoth she, ‘for only those who hath an appointment may see him.’
‘I am the Grim Reaper,’ spake Death. ‘Everyone hath an appointment with me… sooner or later.’
And so in true secretarial fashion, she didst look through her little book, and said unto him: ‘I’m sorry. Mr Bates hath an appointment with a Mr L Zebub, but not a Mr Raper.’
‘Reaper, thou fool!’ cried he, ‘for all mortals must feel my icy touch! I shall take Mr Bates with or without thy consent, foolish woman!’
‘This is sexual harassment, and I don’t have to take it,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Now be gone! Do not make me call Security. If I ever see thee again, ’twill be for the last time!’
‘But… that’s the… point… oh, I give up!’
And so Death didst storm out past the skeletons of those still waiting for their appointment with Mr Bates, and he was greatly frustrated.
‘O, the humiliation! That a mere secretary couldst keep Death at bay…’ muttered he. ‘I must be getting old or something…’
And the Dudes went forth to seek the Guru who didst live on Cold Mountain, and they didst pass by the Monolith Corporation headquarters as Death didst depart.
And Yoco didst mock the Grim Reaper, saying unto him: ‘Ha! Thou doth not scare me! O grave, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?’
‘That doth it!’ cried Death, for he had been having a really shitty day.
‘Oohhh, I quaketh in my fuzzy bunny slippers,’ quoth Yoco, for the Gods of Hondo had made him immortal. ‘What art thou going to do, huh? I fear thou hast lost thy touch.’
‘I’ll show thee touch!’ cried he, ‘Thou shalt feel my icy grip grasping thy beating, throbbing—’
‘Eewww!’ cried Nori. ‘Thou fucking pervert!’
‘Gross!’ cried Scoot.
‘Heart! I was going to say heart!’
And Death didst touch Yoco, and Yoco didst die. And such was the death of Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch.
‘Cool!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
‘Meh…’ quoth Nori.
‘But… but… but…’ quoth Casey, ‘ ’twas cool…’
‘I said Meh,’ quoth Nori. ‘m-e-h.’
‘Couldst useth more ’splosions,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thanks for the critique, O Scootly One. For that I shall postpone our appointment next week,’ spake Death.
And the Dudes didst pass on their way.
And Death didst enter the waiting room, for a room reserved for waiting doth not serve much purpose.
And Death didst go unto the office door of Will Bates, CEO of the Monolith Corporation, but the secretary didst stop him, and she said unto him, ‘Dost thou have an appointment with Mr Bates?’
‘I am Death…’ spake Death.
‘I care not who thou art,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Dost thou have an appointment or not?’
‘No…’ spake Death ominously.
‘If thou hast not an appointment, thou shalt not enter,’ quoth she, ‘for only those who hath an appointment may see him.’
‘I am the Grim Reaper,’ spake Death. ‘Everyone hath an appointment with me… sooner or later.’
And so in true secretarial fashion, she didst look through her little book, and said unto him: ‘I’m sorry. Mr Bates hath an appointment with a Mr L Zebub, but not a Mr Raper.’
‘Reaper, thou fool!’ cried he, ‘for all mortals must feel my icy touch! I shall take Mr Bates with or without thy consent, foolish woman!’
‘This is sexual harassment, and I don’t have to take it,’ quoth the secretary. ‘Now be gone! Do not make me call Security. If I ever see thee again, ’twill be for the last time!’
‘But… that’s the… point… oh, I give up!’
And so Death didst storm out past the skeletons of those still waiting for their appointment with Mr Bates, and he was greatly frustrated.
‘O, the humiliation! That a mere secretary couldst keep Death at bay…’ muttered he. ‘I must be getting old or something…’
And the Dudes went forth to seek the Guru who didst live on Cold Mountain, and they didst pass by the Monolith Corporation headquarters as Death didst depart.
And Yoco didst mock the Grim Reaper, saying unto him: ‘Ha! Thou doth not scare me! O grave, where is thy victory? O death, where is thy sting?’
‘That doth it!’ cried Death, for he had been having a really shitty day.
‘Oohhh, I quaketh in my fuzzy bunny slippers,’ quoth Yoco, for the Gods of Hondo had made him immortal. ‘What art thou going to do, huh? I fear thou hast lost thy touch.’
‘I’ll show thee touch!’ cried he, ‘Thou shalt feel my icy grip grasping thy beating, throbbing—’
‘Eewww!’ cried Nori. ‘Thou fucking pervert!’
‘Gross!’ cried Scoot.
‘Heart! I was going to say heart!’
And Death didst touch Yoco, and Yoco didst die. And such was the death of Brian Fritz Skanky-Bitch.
‘Cool!’ cried the Dudes in unison.
‘Meh…’ quoth Nori.
‘But… but… but…’ quoth Casey, ‘ ’twas cool…’
‘I said Meh,’ quoth Nori. ‘m-e-h.’
‘Couldst useth more ’splosions,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Thanks for the critique, O Scootly One. For that I shall postpone our appointment next week,’ spake Death.
And the Dudes didst pass on their way.
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