Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > A Story of Complications
It's been a month since I moved out. I hate it. I hate living alone. I hate living. I started eating again, I stopped doing drugs. I stopped cutting, and I got a job. It's horrible. I've become just what everyone wants me to be. Healthy. Minus the fact that mentally I'm screwed up. But that's okay, because today I'm going to end it all. I'm going to end the pain. I've been waiting for today, the anniversary of the day I met Brendon. It's the only thing that's been keeping me going for the past few weeks. Dragging myself around, knowing that soon enough it would all be over. That Brendon wouldn't hurt me anymore. That Spencer and Jon wouldn't make me eat anymore. That Pete and Patrick wouldn't have to worry anymore. Everything would be better this way. I knew it would hurt them. That's the reason why I haven't done it sooner. Because I didn't want to hurt them. I've decided that I want to put my own emotion's over everyone else today. Just today. And it would be the last thing that I'll do.
I held the dull needle up, filled with the venom that would kill me. It shined a dull silver, and the liquid inside shimmered a vibrant green. I thought about how pretty it was. It was full of iron, one of the few things that could kill me. It was a slow poison, it would take about an hour. I didn't have to worry though, I had talked to everyone today and yesterday, and I went to work the day before. No one had any reason to worry about me.
I decided that I wanted to do it in the kitchen. That way they would have to look for me, because they would think I was normal, and that I'd do it in the bathroom. The only problem is the bathroom is carpet, the only floor that's tile is in the kitchen. So it'll be the easiest to clean for whoever finds me. I sat down on the floor, putting the knife and the syringe in front of me. I pulled the note out of my pocket, deciding I would read it one more time to make sure it sounded right. "To whoever finds me laying in this morbid scene, I would hope you will tell my friends that I love them, and didn't mean to put them through so much. Tell Spencer that he's my best friend and that I left him a present at the foot of my bed." It was a small box, and inside that box was one of the first presents he ever gave me. It was a little stuffed bear that he won at a carnival, I loved it so much, he gave it to me. It was soft and chocolaty brown, with a string around his neck that had a bell on it. And a small pink nose. "Tell Jon that I want him to have my music collection, and that he's been like a brother to me. Give Pete and Patrick my book collection, and tell them how much I appreciated them taking notice of us. And tell Brendon that I love him. That I love him more than life it's self, and that's why I had to do this. Because I loved him so much it hurt. Tell them all the that this was something I had to do, that living really wasn't an option anymore. That for me, the hardiest part of living is just taking breaths to stay. And that's why I can't. I'm sorry for everyone I've hurt, and everyone I love for ever getting involved with me. In my defense, this was always going to happen. It was just a matter of time. So sorry about the mess. Ryan Ross." I nodded. It was fine, they would find it, they would cry, they would live. I wouldn't. I put the note back on the floor.
They all thought I was doing better. I laughed a little, they were so stupid to think I was okay. The way my laugh sounded made me feel sick. Filled with pain and regrets, it didn't even sound like a laugh, it sounded more like I was choking. I started to cry. I listened to the sound of my heart beating, I hated that sound. "Shut up." I told it, and I placed the needle into my skin, slowly pushing the liquid into my body. It didn't hurt. It burned. It burned through my veins, slowly creeping up my arm, attempting to fill my body with the venom. I picked up the shiny blade, pressing it to my already burning arm, and sliced it down the middle. I watched the blood slowly fall out of the line on my arm, giving color to my pale skin. I watched the red seep out and over it, as black dots started to blur my vision. It was beautiful. It was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.
I held the dull needle up, filled with the venom that would kill me. It shined a dull silver, and the liquid inside shimmered a vibrant green. I thought about how pretty it was. It was full of iron, one of the few things that could kill me. It was a slow poison, it would take about an hour. I didn't have to worry though, I had talked to everyone today and yesterday, and I went to work the day before. No one had any reason to worry about me.
I decided that I wanted to do it in the kitchen. That way they would have to look for me, because they would think I was normal, and that I'd do it in the bathroom. The only problem is the bathroom is carpet, the only floor that's tile is in the kitchen. So it'll be the easiest to clean for whoever finds me. I sat down on the floor, putting the knife and the syringe in front of me. I pulled the note out of my pocket, deciding I would read it one more time to make sure it sounded right. "To whoever finds me laying in this morbid scene, I would hope you will tell my friends that I love them, and didn't mean to put them through so much. Tell Spencer that he's my best friend and that I left him a present at the foot of my bed." It was a small box, and inside that box was one of the first presents he ever gave me. It was a little stuffed bear that he won at a carnival, I loved it so much, he gave it to me. It was soft and chocolaty brown, with a string around his neck that had a bell on it. And a small pink nose. "Tell Jon that I want him to have my music collection, and that he's been like a brother to me. Give Pete and Patrick my book collection, and tell them how much I appreciated them taking notice of us. And tell Brendon that I love him. That I love him more than life it's self, and that's why I had to do this. Because I loved him so much it hurt. Tell them all the that this was something I had to do, that living really wasn't an option anymore. That for me, the hardiest part of living is just taking breaths to stay. And that's why I can't. I'm sorry for everyone I've hurt, and everyone I love for ever getting involved with me. In my defense, this was always going to happen. It was just a matter of time. So sorry about the mess. Ryan Ross." I nodded. It was fine, they would find it, they would cry, they would live. I wouldn't. I put the note back on the floor.
They all thought I was doing better. I laughed a little, they were so stupid to think I was okay. The way my laugh sounded made me feel sick. Filled with pain and regrets, it didn't even sound like a laugh, it sounded more like I was choking. I started to cry. I listened to the sound of my heart beating, I hated that sound. "Shut up." I told it, and I placed the needle into my skin, slowly pushing the liquid into my body. It didn't hurt. It burned. It burned through my veins, slowly creeping up my arm, attempting to fill my body with the venom. I picked up the shiny blade, pressing it to my already burning arm, and sliced it down the middle. I watched the blood slowly fall out of the line on my arm, giving color to my pale skin. I watched the red seep out and over it, as black dots started to blur my vision. It was beautiful. It was the last thing I saw before I blacked out.
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