Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo

Spooky Doors 6

by shadesmaclean 0 reviews

Castle von Färtnøkker

Category: Humor - Rating: R - Genres: Fantasy,Humor - Warnings: [V] - Published: 2010-12-25 - Updated: 2010-12-26 - 1036 words - Complete

‘Now what, Einstein?’ quoth Nori.

And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.

‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Booby. ‘Forget not that I have a flying carpet.’

‘Why do we always forget that?’ quoth Yoco.

And so the Dudes didst use Booby’s flying carpet to enter Castle von Färtnøkker.

And inside the castle, the Dudes didst find themselves in an enormous chamber.

‘I have a bad feeling about this,’ quoth the Stranger.

And Dr Färtnøkker didst appear on a balcony overlooking the chamber.

‘Ha!’ quoth Dr Färtnøkker, ‘Thou hast come here to die! My Machines shall clear the way for The Man! Thou art no match for the Power of Steel! Resistance is futile, ja!’

And he didst pull a lever.

‘Oh no!’ cried Casey as the floor didst transform into a giant treadmill, and spikes didst poke through the wall behind them.

And so the Dudes went faster by not going slower, but after a while, they didst begin to tire.

‘What shall we do?’ cried RJ. ‘If we canst not go any faster, we art finished!’

‘Look not to me,’ quoth Nori as she didst hover in the air, ‘for this is not my fucking problem. Use thy heads for a change, thou dumbasses!’

And Scoot didst quantemplate, and finally he said unto them, ‘I’ve got it! We must invert the Eighth Commandment. We must go slower by not going faster!’

And so the Dudes didst go slower by not going faster, and the treadmill didst slow down and stop.

Scheisters!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker. ‘I have activated my workout treadmill! Thou wilt not be so lucky next time, for the projects of my Verboten Laboratory art much worse!’

And Dr Färtnøkker didst retreat unto the next room, and the Dudes didst give chase.

For the next part of the castle was Dr Färtnøkker’s Verboten Laboratory, and therein the Dudes didst find big computers, and vials and beakers and tubing, and of course, evil appliances which were still in the works.

‘Now thou shalt meet thy doom!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker as he threw a large switch. ‘Prepare thee to be destroyed by my latest creation, the Mecha-Wheelchair!’

And lightning didst strike the massive, heavily-armored wheelchair, wherein sat Ayatollah Asshollah, who was still recovering from Scoot’s Mega Kung Fu Ultra Wedgie attack, and the Ayatollah’s eyes didst light up with fanatical new power.

‘It’s alive!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker. ‘Alive! Go now, Ayatollah! Go forth and have thy revenge against the Infidels!’

‘Yee! Haw! Darn tootin’, thou decadent Yankee-Doodle dorks!’ cried Ayatollah Asshollah as the Mecha-Wheelchair didst roll forward on steel tank-tracks, with its many arms shooting lasers and missiles in all directions. ‘Death to the Infidels!’

And Scoot didst draw the Hell-Razor—

‘Wait!’ quoth Yoco, ‘for I believe it is time for me to useth the potion which the Apothecary gave unto me!’

And Yoco didst drink of the Ultra Jolt, and his hair didst grow ten-fold and he didst become Super Afro Man.

‘What canst thou possibly do against me now?’ quoth the Ayatollah. ‘In my new form, I shall crush the Great Satan and all who follow him!’

But Super Afro Man was bouncing off the walls, and he didst evade all of the Ayatollah’s attacks, for the Mecha-Wheelchair was too awkward to control.

And so Ayatollah Asshollah didst instead destroy half of Dr Färtnøkker’s Verboten Laboratory, whilst the Dudes didst scatter to avoid the blasts, so that Super Afro Man didst jump aboard the Ayatollah’s Mecha-Wheelchair.

‘Thou’rt goin’ for a ride, asshole!’ quoth Super Afro Man as he didst hit the Ayatollah’s EJECT button.

‘Nnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!…’ cried Ayatollah Asshollah as he was launched into the air and out of Dr Färtnøkker’s Lab.

‘Ha! Ha!’ laughed Nori. ‘Taketh that, thou elephant-bating ass-butt!’

And it came to pass that one of Ayatollah Asshollah’s blasts didst toast Skidmarks’ tail feathers. Pissed off, the last of the farting chickens didst summon other chickens who didst appear out of nowhere and didst assault Dr Färtnøkker.

And Skidmarks flew around like a chicken with its head cut off (that is, in a state of heightened intelligence), and didst dump coffee on the self-destruct controls on Dr Färtnøkker’s swivel-chair, which he had named Fukker.

‘My pants art malfunctioning!’ cried Dr Färtnøkker as his pants didst start sparking and fizzing at him, and he didst begin to collapse in on himself and implode. ‘Maallfunctionninnngg! O, what a world!…’

And such was the end of Dr Färtnøkker, author of the controversial political treatise Mein Pants, and there was much rejoicing.

And the God of Zoot Suit Riots didst appear before them as a Burning Blood Red Head on Fire, and laser beams didst shooteth from the eyes of the Choir.

‘Hail Dudes!’ spake Matt. ‘In honor of thy victory against the forces of intolerance and dogma, we have come up with a new name for thee, Super Afro Man— er, I mean, Something.’

‘Aw, come on! Not another one!’ cried Super Afro Man. ‘For I am already called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Skanky-Bitch! Need it be any longer?’

‘Aye!’ spake the God of Coughing Up Scary Things, ‘for now thy name shalt be Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something “Pookie” Skanky-Bitch.’

‘Pookie…’ quoth Casey. ‘It doth fit thee, Super Afro Man… er, Yoco, er…’

‘See what thou hast done!’ cried Pookie. ‘No one knoweth what to call me anymore! I’m having a fucking identity crisis! Why dost thou always do this to me?’

‘ ’Cause thou’rt the Hans!’ sang the God of Pink Elephants.

‘Thou art the Hans!’ echoed the Dudes in chorus.

And it came to pass that Castle von Färtnøkker didst begin to collapseth.

‘Why do evil bad guys’ hideouts always do that?’ quoth Scoot.

‘Tradition,’ quoth Nori.

‘I believe Herr Doktor hath damaged the foundation,’ spake Matt. ‘I suggest thou findeth a way out and fast.’

And so the God of Modern Day Catastrophists didst vanish from their midst.
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