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Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Laceration Gravity p1

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• Laceration Gravity p1

  (#) Diddy-Mow 2010-12-31

  I hope you don't delete stories because of constructive criticism, because constructive criticism is what I am going to give you.
  
  Firstly I will talk about the way your story is set out. Your spelling, grammar (With the exception of your very first line, "It was cold, windy day.") and punctuation -- mostly -- is up to scratch, although your paragraphs confuse me greatly. I am confused because you have appropriate spacing between paragraphs, except when someone speaks. You need the same amount of spacing between every paragraph.
  
  Okay, on to the fun stuff. Firstly, this is a very blatant Mary Sue. I'm not sure if you intended this to happen, but it did. Mary Sues are the bane of mine and a lot of other people's existences. The point is that your original character is quite obviously based on yourself and this is annoying.
  
  Your plot is boring and incredibly, mind-numbingly cliche. How many fanfictions ARE there in which an "original character" moves into the same school as various famous heart throbs? That's right, nearly all of them. Try thinking harder and you may come up with something original and worth writing about.
  
  Who is Derek? Why did he move to New Jersey at the same time as 'Skyler'? I don't know if that's meant to be some sort of mystery, and we find out in the next chapter WHY he knows 'Skyler' and if he's a rapist or whatever, but right now he merely seems like a giant, gaping hole in your plot line.
  
  Characterization wasn't terrible, but there wasn't really a standout dynamic between RL characters. They pretty much just seemed like wallflowers while 'Skyler' dominated the scene, as Mary Sues tend to do.
  
  Also, I noticed you put a copyright symbol on your fanfiction. You can't do this unless you own EVERY character in the story and the plotline. You do not own My Chemical Romance, and even though you can copyright 'Skyler', you can't copyright MCR because they will sue you.
  
  I hope you benefit from this comment.
  
  xoxo
  
  Von.

  Author's response

  Hello,
  
  this will be my second time responding to this since my internet sucks right now.
  
  Anyway, thank you for taking the time to review this story part.
  
  One thing I think will really help me that I did not know about was the copyright thing.Though MCR has stopped reading fanfic I wouldn't want to be sued by them. On other sites I usually post the copyright sign along with a memo on top saying I do not own MCR but the other characters and storyline. Guess I'm just a bit scared my stuff will get plagiarized because it's happened to friends of mine. On sites like this one. So thank you for informing me. From now on I won't do it anymore.
  
  Also, thank you for the compliment on my grammar and punctuation. I do try my hardest to make sure that's in check though I knew it isn't perfect and can be a bit hard to read.
  
  Though I did find your review helpful I didn't agree with everything. The first being about the story in general. This is only the first part and a lot hasn't been brought up or discussed or explained. And it is in first person so of course since the main character is Skyler she does dominate the scene I guess. I've noticed that when I write in first person the word "I" shows up constantly and I try to change that. Also, I wrote this years ago and was in a darker place then. So as of current- being happier- I don't see Skyler as me. Yes, my characters have parts of me in them because I am writing about them and creating them but they're not me. Skyler is actually one of my most dark and twisted characters. And this story has a lot of drama. So I'm sorry if you didn't like it. I understand that not everyone will like what I write. Some may hate it and some may love it.
  
  But anyway, thanks for the input. As for Derek, his character is very complex. And won't really be explained or crucial until later. This story has changed dramatically from its first draft. Derek wasn't going to play the role he has later. And then later Damion will be a character I wasn't going to have. I'll admit it's very confusing and very all over the place but it will make sense at the end.
  
  I write tons of stuff and though this isn't my best it's one I've been working on the longest. Sorry if it doesn't seem original. I really do try to make all of my stories different from each other and make my characters different and ranging so they stand out more. For now nothing has really been established so nothing really makes sense. Not all stories explain situations and characters right away. All will be revealed eventually. It gets better. But it also gets worse in terms of storyline. It goes up and then it goes down. That's just how it is.
  
  Anyway, I ramble. Sorry.
  
  I write a lot and have lots of other stories- MCR and non-MCR related and I'm glad you gave me your input. Maybe you could read some of my other stuff, if I put out anymore on here, and tell me what you think. It would mean a lot to me if you did.
  
  But anyway, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and comment/review. I wish you the best. Thank You,
  
  XxXx
  xoXO
  0X0X
  
  =Dee

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