FicWad

‘ ’Tis a Bitch-Tit Thang’
—And a multitude of disembodied trumpets sounded, loud as thunder, and the earth didst shake, and the sky didst turn dark.

‘Not without me!’ thundered Lucifer as he didst appear before them in a cloud of fire and brimstone. ‘Armageddon is my territory, and I shall not let even thou, bothersome Gods of Hondo, taketh that away… from… That sword… How? Scoot… why didst thou not tell me?’

Quoth the Scootly One: ‘Ye never asked.’

And the Dudes didst laugh their asses off.

‘So it is written,’ quoth Scoot. ‘For the Forty-Second Commandment of the Gods of Hondo sayeth: “Ask not a stupid question, lest thou receiveth a stupid answer.” ’

‘Hmph…’ muttered the Dark Prince, ‘neither god nor man may useth its full power anyway…’

‘Yeah,’ spake the God of Laughing Wildly Whilst Driving the Wrong Way On a One-Way Street, ‘Well that’s just what ye—’

‘Is this a private party, or is anyone invited?’ spake Jesus as he didst appear before them. He had somehow escaped from his pet porter, for a circus carny was guarding the gates of heaven. ‘If ’tis Apocalypse thou wanteth, then let us do it by the Book!’

‘Oops…’ muttered the God of M&Ms, ‘My bad…’

‘What the hell was that!?’ cried The Man.

‘How the hell shouldst I know!?’ cried the God of Technical Difficulties.

‘Dude!’ cried Nori, ‘This is pretty fucked-up right here!’

‘I’m stupid! I’m stupid!’ cried the God of Magic.

‘For once, we agreeth on something, O Great God of Stupidity,’ quoth Yoco.

‘Bring it on, bitch!’ spake Lucifer. ‘Daddy isn’t here to save thee, little man!’

‘Oh no! Father!’ cried Jesus, for he forgotten to let Him out of the closet, ‘I kneweth I was forgetting something…’

‘Ha-Ha!’ laughed Nori.

‘Once my posse arriveth,’ spake Lucifer, ‘We shall kick thy pansy ass! Surely thou remembereth them, right? Plague? Famine? War? Death?’

‘The Four Riders,’ spake Jesus, and he didst look at his gold-plated Rolex, ‘the ones coming on horses? This couldst take a while…’

‘Shit!’ cried the Dark Prince. ‘I just knew I shouldst have upgraded to Harleys…’

‘Hey!’ spake The Man, ‘What the hell art thou doing on our battlefield!?’

‘Then I guess we shalt settle this man-to-man,’ spake Lucifer.

And so the two ancient enemies didst ignore everyone else, for so certain were they that this was all about them.

‘Thou’rt doomed to defeat—’.

And a multitude of disembodied bagpipes didst sound, loud as thunder, and the sky on the horizon didst shatter like a plate of glass, revealing an infinity of stars.

‘What the fuck!?’ cried The Man as he didst suddenly find a fish stuck up his ass.

And the Aurora Borealis was confined to the vicinity of the battlefield, and tombstones were rocketing into the sky from the surrounding lands.

‘What the hell was that!?’ cried Lucifer.

‘How the hell shouldst I know!?’ cried Jesus.

‘Yo! Yo! Yo! Yo!’ quoth Bob the Kiwi as he didst break-dance onto the battlefield, ‘What it is, muthafuckas!?’

‘Aw shit!’ quoth Richard, for he too knew of the prophecy, ‘here cometh Bob the Kiwi!’

‘Bob!’ cried Derrick, ‘Thou hast returned!’

‘Huh?’ spake the God of 1-UPs, ‘but Derrick, I thought Bob the Kiwi was just a figment of thine imagination… Art thou high on crack again?’

‘Ye didn’t believe me?’

‘Hell no! I just thought I was yankin’ the Dudes’ chain with all that “Bob the Kiwi” shit! Ye know, like the Boogie-Man and shit.’

‘No, I am quite real,’ quoth Bob.

And caramel cubes didst rain down from the heavens.

‘Holy shit!’ cried Lucifer, ‘I’m seeing triple!’

For now three Jesuses stood before him.

‘What is going on!’ cried one of the Jesuses. ‘For there art now five Lucifers!’

‘Ha!’ spake one of them, ‘We now have thee outnumbered!’

Scoot and The Man didst back off just in time to avoid being surrounded by an army of Jesuses and Lucifers, for the ensuing chaos of the Random forces surrounding Bob the Kiwi didst bend the very rules of the Universe, causing his very presence to warp the fabric of Time and Space, somehow causing every Jesus and Lucifer from parallel universes adjacent to this one to appeareth at this very time and place.

‘Oh yeah!’ spake one Lucifer, ‘Now we canst have a fight!’

‘All in all,’ spake one Jesus, ‘thou’rt just another dick with no balls!’

‘That was a low blow,’ quoth another Lucifer, ‘but what canst thou expect from the great Amerikan Jesus!’

And so the conflicting forces of a multitude of universes didst squabble among themselves about things which came to pass thousands of years ago.

‘Enough of this!’ cried Bob the Kiwi. ‘Jesus H Christ! Lucifer Morningstar! Thou fighteth like small children! Well, I shall have to break thee up. Shit, the Apocalypse just ain’t all ’twas cracked up to be…’

For Bob the Kiwi had studied the dark arts more than any living being, and he had read all of the Black Tomes, the most evil books in existence, including the works of Martha Stewart and the Necronomicon. And more infamous than all of them put together, Lucile Vaughn Payne’s The Lively Art of Writing.

And Bob the Kiwi didst chant vile incantations never meant to be uttered by the living.

And it came to pass that he didst summon the Russelville Players.

‘What the fuck!?’ cried Casey, ‘Who art these guys?’

‘At last we meeteth the Russelville Players,’ quoth Richard. ‘I know not who they art, but I am told that they art a critically-acclaimed group in synchronized belching.’

‘Oh,’ quoth Nori, ‘I heard they were a top secret Super Phone-Sanitizer experiment gone horribly, horribly wrong…’

But before the Dudes couldst postulate any further on the true nature of the Russelville Players, Bob the Kiwi didst start dancing wildly, and the Players didst follow him.

‘Aw shit!’ quoth Bob the Kiwi, ‘I started a mosh-pit! Let’s goooo!!’

And he and the Russelville Players didst dance up a storm.

And great whirlwind came, and didst suck up all of the many Jesuses and Lucifers which had continued to appear at random intervals.

‘Oh no!’ cried Jesus as he ascended into the sky, ‘My new snowshoes!’

And they didst fall from the heavens as he ascended.

‘And remember!’ quoth Bob the Kiwi as he flew away: ‘God is dead! Don’t useth drugs!’

‘Wait! Wait! Time-out!’ cried The Man. ‘What the hell is going on here!?’

And everyone else didst shrug their shoulders.

‘Okay! Time-in!’

And The Man didst attack Scoot in his moment of opportunity.

But ’twas of no avail, for Scoot had become even faster than The Man, and didst knock him flat on his ass.

Quoth Scoot: ‘For all that was… All that is… And all that will ever be… And it WILL BE!’ and he didst charge The Man with redoubled strength.

And The Man didst power up more than ever, bulking up with the full Power of Steel.

‘Ha-Ha!’ laughed Yoco. ‘Now thou hast big bitch-tits!’

‘Oh yeah!’ cried The Man, ‘well at least my pecs art not flabby!’

But Scoot had increased his power without giving himself bitch-tits, and he didst fight circles around The Man.

And so it came to pass that the Dudes and the Gods of Hondo didst cheer Scoot on as he didst get his throwdown swerve on and taketh The Man down.

At last, The Man, scourge of a long-forgotten age and menace to all possible futures, now stood broken, as so countless many others had once stood before him.

‘Scoot!’ cried Narayana, ‘endeth it now!’ And the Goddess’s Hand didst use her psychic energy to bind The Man, for in his weakened state he could not resist her mind powers.

‘Backwards, and to all Time I stand…’ And so it came to pass that Scoot the Ko’An stood farther backwards than anyone had ever stood before, and didst focus all of his energy into the spectral blade of the HellRazor. With a mighty slash the Scootly One didst tear the very fabric of Space and Time a new one.

‘Richard!’ cried Scoot. ‘ ’Tis thy turn now!’

And Richard didst give The Man a mighty kick back into the Void from whence he came.

The Man, having been weakened by Scoot’s newfound power, couldst not stand against Richard’s might, and so he was sucked into the Void between worlds.

‘Our lives art for us now…’ quoth Scoot. ‘Wake up, world, and take back thy lives!’

‘Scoot!’ cried the Dudes in unison, for he too was about to be sucked into the hungry vortex Outside.

‘Don’t just standeth there!’ cried Nori. ‘Do something, ye dumbasses!’

And Yoco and Casey didst jump in and anchoreth Scoot and Richard against the pull of the rip with all their might, for ’twas beginning to tear open even larger.

‘Didst thou have some plan for turning this thing off!’ cried Nori.

And the Gods of Hondo didst shrug their shoulders.

‘ ’Tis getting worse!’ cried they in unison.

And so it came to pass that in the Hour of Scurrying, the Goddess didst appear, and didst seal the hole in Space and Time.

‘About time ye figured it out, Scoot,’ spake the Goddess of Multitasking. ‘Ye could’ve just asked me to open the back door. Men… Always doing things the hard way…’

‘Now let us all go home,’ spake the God of Bending Sporks.

‘Amen to that, Matt,’ spake the God of All Things Found Under Couch Cushions.

‘Shut up, Boy Wonder,’ spake the God of Five-Alarm Chili.

And the Gods of Hondo vanished from their midst.