Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
XVII
And in the Outhouse, the Dudes didst find Loki on the floor, curled up in a fetal ball.
‘What the fuck is thy problem?’ quoth Nori.
Quoth Loki Amaya: ‘I have seen the future… and THERE IS NO DISCO! The horror! The horror!’
And there was much rejoicing.
‘ ’Tis not funny!’ cried Loki.
‘Let us go home,’ quoth Scoot.
But this didst prove easier said than done, for the Dudes didst squeeze in and out of the Outhouse of Time many times before they didst return unto their own where and when.
Turn thee to IV.
XVIII
And when the Judge returned, he said unto them: ‘In the case of the Firm of the Monolith Corporation VS the Angel of Death, I findeth that Death doth indeed discriminate against mortals. Because the God of Stupidity didst forget that he was immortal— and because thou’rt the Brian— thou doth not count, Mr Skanky-Bitch.
‘I hereby sentence Death to indefinite suspension with pay.’
‘What!?’ cried Death. ‘Dost thou know what thou hast done? Now on one canst die!’
‘Aye,’ quoth the secretary, ‘true equality between mortal and immortal beings.’
‘Dammit!’ cried the God of Dammit, ‘My kingdom for a hammer!’
‘SILENCE!’ bellowed the Judge, and the ground didst shake with the banging of his gavel. ‘I’m not finished yet! I order thee, Gods of Hondo, to spend one week in Hell—’
‘Odnoh Land,’ amended the God of Odnoh.
‘—That thou shalt know what mere mortals go through every life. Thou, Miss Secretary, I award thy life back, to do as thou pleaseth.’
And he didst pound his gavel, saying, ‘Case closed!’
‘What a gyp!’ spake the God of Electroshock Blues. ‘This is what doth happen when thou trusteth the courts to settle anything! Now we must spendeth a week in Hell!’
‘Whoo-hoo!’ cheered the God of Stupidity, ‘we art goin’ home!’
‘Oy…’ spake the God of Being Shit Outta Luck.
And the Dudes didst depart.
‘Next,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘we have the copyright infringement case of the Estates of the Ancient Bards VS George Lucas…’
Turn thee to XX.
XIX
‘Not this shit again…’ quoth Nori as the Dudes didst once again squash themselves into the Outhouse.
And this time the Dudes didst emerge upon a vast desert wasteland.
‘This doth look like the distant future,’ spake David as they didst watch the red sun set on the horizon.
And a haggard figure didst stagger toward them.
‘Agua! Agua!…’ cried he.
‘ ’Tis Loki!’ cried the Dudes.
‘Dudes!’ cried Loki, ‘How the hell didst thou find me!?’
‘ ’Twas not hard,’ quoth Nori, ‘for we didst just follow our nose!’
And she didst plug hers.
‘ ’Tis not easy being greezy…’ quoth Loki. ‘Guess those bean burritos didst take the scenic route. I just kept walking around in circles, hoping someone wouldst find me.’
‘Let us go home,’ quoth Nori. ‘I have had enough shit to lasteth me a lifetime!’
‘Ye said it!’ quoth Scoot.
And so the Dudes didst go back to the Outhouse. But they didst have to go in and out of the Outhouse many times in order to get back to their own where and when.
And they didst all stink to high heaven when they finally made it.
‘Shittiest! Adventure! Ever!’ quoth Nori.
‘Now,’ quoth Scoot, ‘let us never speak of it again…’
Turn thee to IV.
XX
And so it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst spend a week in Hell, as the Honorable Judge Enma has sentenced them. And they didst stay in the House of Derrick, God of the Odnoh.
‘This doth suck big floppy donkey dick, Derrick!’ spake the God of 1½-Pound Maine Lobster Action. ‘Thou and thine administrators! Why the fuck didst thou drag Lord Enma out of retirement?’
And the God of Stupidity didst shrug his shoulders, saying unto him, ‘I don’t know—’
And he didst get slimed.
‘—but this is agravitating me, being under house-arrest…’
‘From now on,’ spake the God of Antique Replacements, ‘thou’rt forbidden to make any important decisions in mine absence, right Count Chocula™?’
And Count Chocula™ was silent.
‘We shall taketh that as a yes,’ spake the God of Deadside.
‘Stupid Count Chocula™…’ muttered the God of Fist Pounding and Dammit, and he didst pound his fist whilst saying ‘Dammit!’ and then said, ‘He doth always side with Matt…’
Turn thee to XIV.
And in the Outhouse, the Dudes didst find Loki on the floor, curled up in a fetal ball.
‘What the fuck is thy problem?’ quoth Nori.
Quoth Loki Amaya: ‘I have seen the future… and THERE IS NO DISCO! The horror! The horror!’
And there was much rejoicing.
‘ ’Tis not funny!’ cried Loki.
‘Let us go home,’ quoth Scoot.
But this didst prove easier said than done, for the Dudes didst squeeze in and out of the Outhouse of Time many times before they didst return unto their own where and when.
Turn thee to IV.
XVIII
And when the Judge returned, he said unto them: ‘In the case of the Firm of the Monolith Corporation VS the Angel of Death, I findeth that Death doth indeed discriminate against mortals. Because the God of Stupidity didst forget that he was immortal— and because thou’rt the Brian— thou doth not count, Mr Skanky-Bitch.
‘I hereby sentence Death to indefinite suspension with pay.’
‘What!?’ cried Death. ‘Dost thou know what thou hast done? Now on one canst die!’
‘Aye,’ quoth the secretary, ‘true equality between mortal and immortal beings.’
‘Dammit!’ cried the God of Dammit, ‘My kingdom for a hammer!’
‘SILENCE!’ bellowed the Judge, and the ground didst shake with the banging of his gavel. ‘I’m not finished yet! I order thee, Gods of Hondo, to spend one week in Hell—’
‘Odnoh Land,’ amended the God of Odnoh.
‘—That thou shalt know what mere mortals go through every life. Thou, Miss Secretary, I award thy life back, to do as thou pleaseth.’
And he didst pound his gavel, saying, ‘Case closed!’
‘What a gyp!’ spake the God of Electroshock Blues. ‘This is what doth happen when thou trusteth the courts to settle anything! Now we must spendeth a week in Hell!’
‘Whoo-hoo!’ cheered the God of Stupidity, ‘we art goin’ home!’
‘Oy…’ spake the God of Being Shit Outta Luck.
And the Dudes didst depart.
‘Next,’ quoth the Bailiff, ‘we have the copyright infringement case of the Estates of the Ancient Bards VS George Lucas…’
Turn thee to XX.
XIX
‘Not this shit again…’ quoth Nori as the Dudes didst once again squash themselves into the Outhouse.
And this time the Dudes didst emerge upon a vast desert wasteland.
‘This doth look like the distant future,’ spake David as they didst watch the red sun set on the horizon.
And a haggard figure didst stagger toward them.
‘Agua! Agua!…’ cried he.
‘ ’Tis Loki!’ cried the Dudes.
‘Dudes!’ cried Loki, ‘How the hell didst thou find me!?’
‘ ’Twas not hard,’ quoth Nori, ‘for we didst just follow our nose!’
And she didst plug hers.
‘ ’Tis not easy being greezy…’ quoth Loki. ‘Guess those bean burritos didst take the scenic route. I just kept walking around in circles, hoping someone wouldst find me.’
‘Let us go home,’ quoth Nori. ‘I have had enough shit to lasteth me a lifetime!’
‘Ye said it!’ quoth Scoot.
And so the Dudes didst go back to the Outhouse. But they didst have to go in and out of the Outhouse many times in order to get back to their own where and when.
And they didst all stink to high heaven when they finally made it.
‘Shittiest! Adventure! Ever!’ quoth Nori.
‘Now,’ quoth Scoot, ‘let us never speak of it again…’
Turn thee to IV.
XX
And so it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst spend a week in Hell, as the Honorable Judge Enma has sentenced them. And they didst stay in the House of Derrick, God of the Odnoh.
‘This doth suck big floppy donkey dick, Derrick!’ spake the God of 1½-Pound Maine Lobster Action. ‘Thou and thine administrators! Why the fuck didst thou drag Lord Enma out of retirement?’
And the God of Stupidity didst shrug his shoulders, saying unto him, ‘I don’t know—’
And he didst get slimed.
‘—but this is agravitating me, being under house-arrest…’
‘From now on,’ spake the God of Antique Replacements, ‘thou’rt forbidden to make any important decisions in mine absence, right Count Chocula™?’
And Count Chocula™ was silent.
‘We shall taketh that as a yes,’ spake the God of Deadside.
‘Stupid Count Chocula™…’ muttered the God of Fist Pounding and Dammit, and he didst pound his fist whilst saying ‘Dammit!’ and then said, ‘He doth always side with Matt…’
Turn thee to XIV.
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