Categories > Original > Humor > The Book of Hondo
‘The Anticlimax’
And it came to pass that one night that Scoot the Ko’An and the Dudes were watching The Late Show, for the Prophetess Adria had told him it wouldst be a good idea to invite all of the Dudes for this episode. So somehow the Dudes didst all manage to fitteth in Scoot’s room to watch their old TV pal Dave.
And Allan Kalter said unto the live television audience: ‘Live, from New York— in the Crosshairs of the World— ’tis the Late Show with David Letter-man!…
‘Tonight: the Late Show Mystery Prize Van!…
‘Fitness guru, Richard Simmons!…
‘Republicon Presidential Candidate, Megatron!…
‘And musical guest Pocket Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish!…’
‘The hell…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, and the Dudes didst look amongst themselves in confusion.
‘Then what the fuck art thou doing here, ye dumbasses?’ quoth Nori.
‘…And now— when he’s not hosting this show, he’s fighting crime in Chinatown— Daaavid Lettermaaan!!…’
‘But, ’tis in another time zone…’ quoth the Hans.
‘This is totally not on my calendar,’ quoth Orty.
And so, as the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee, Dave didst launch into a monologue of many things, of scandals and dimpled chads and kings.
But the next segment didst finally regain the Dudes attention, for ’twas called “Everything’s Funnier When Megatron Bloweth the Shit Out of It!” and in it there were many explosions.
And there was much rejoicing.
And it came to pass that Dave didst chase Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher, and it was good.
‘…And now…’ quoth Dave, ‘ ’tis time for one of our most popular games. ’Tis time to launcheth The Late Show Mystery Prize Van!…’
And Paul Shafer and the CBS Orchestra didst play the “Mystery Prize Van” Theme.
‘We now bring thee, live via CBS satellite from Shitsplat, which is Havre, Biff Henderson. How goeth it, Biff?…’
‘What the hell art they doing in this dump?’ quoth Scoot.
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
‘…I now standeth in front of this dump here in the alley,’ quoth Biff, ‘for I am told it is a place of local interest. I am told that here liveth the only man who dareth to answer the payphone in this alley when it ringeth. It canst ring for days when he is not home, according to local legend…’
And Biff didst knock on the door.
‘Ooh! this shouldst be good!…’ quoth Casey.
‘Hey,’ quoth Nori, ‘wilt one of thou dipshits go answer the door? Can’t ye here someone knocking?’
‘Yoco,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we don’t wanteth to miss this. Go answereth the door.’
‘Oh, fine,’ quoth Yoco, and he didst go and answer the door.
‘…I am knocking,’ quoth Biff, ‘but so far no one answereth. Hey, Dave! Ye think we got hose—’
And the door didst open, and the Hans didst answer it.
‘No way!’ quoth the Dudes in unison, for they didst finally recognize the place Biff Henderson was standing as Scootly Ko’An Manor.
‘…Dost thou live here?’ quoth Biff.
‘Ye could say that…’ quoth the Hans.
‘Well,’ quoth Biff, ‘thou hast won the Late Show Mystery Prize. Thou may chooseth any prize thou desireth from the back of this van!’
And two scantily clad women didst open the back of the Mystery Prize Van. And contained therein was a great bounty of prizes to chooseth from.
‘Well, Scoot,’ quoth Nori, ‘I guess now thou wisheth thou hadst answered thine own fucking door, right?…’
Meanwhile, the Hans didst ponder the many prizes for a time, and finally said unto Biff, ‘What’s that?’
‘ ’Tis the Thing With the Stuff,’ quoth Biff.
‘Seriously?’ quoth the Hans.
‘Aye!’ quoth Biff, ‘for Dave hath many secret items, and sometimes he doth feel generous. Dost thou want the Thing With the Stuff?’
‘Aye!…’ quoth the Hans.
‘Hot diggety dank!’ quoth the High Priestess of Hondo.
‘I can’t believeth ’tis not butter!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘Well,’ quoth Nori, ‘it sure doth not look like much.’
‘So tell me,’ quoth Biff, ‘what is thy name, anyway?’
Quoth the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo: ‘I am called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans.’
‘Damn!’ quoth Biff, ‘that’s a mouthful!’
‘Thou’rt tellin’ me!…’
‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Casey, ‘I don’t remembereth him being called the Hans! When the hell didst that happen?’
‘The Gods of Hondo didst appear unto us and giveth him his new name after we didst turn in Waldo,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dost thou not remember, dumbass?’
‘But I thought Waldo got away,’ quoth RJ.
‘When the bloody hell didst we do that?’
‘After we went forth unto New Jersey to helpeth Jennifer!’
‘We never went unto New Jersey!’ quoth Richard. ‘We went unto Death’s trial and the Gods were sentenced to a week in hell before they sent thee into the Outhouse of Time!’
‘But I thought they were acquitted!’ quoth Adria.
‘All because Loki shitted!’ quoth Nori.
‘Shat,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘Leaveth it to the Gods of Hondo to totally fuck up the Space-Time Continuum…’
‘Ha!’ laughed Scoot. ‘Take that, Continuity!’
‘Shhhhh!’ quoth Booby, ‘We art missing the good parts.’
For the Hans was being shown on national television being awarded the Thing with the Stuff.
And it came to pass that the God of Living In Chaos didst appear before them in Scoot’s room as the Sun-Fizz cartoon ad guy.
‘Eek!’ cried Orty.
‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.
And the Dudes didst all cram through Scoot’s door and pile into the other room of Scootly Ko’An Manor.
‘Wait!’ cried the God of Comptrollers, ‘Why won’t thou play with me! I’m full of Vitamin C!’
‘That’s not all thou’rt full of!’ cried Nori. ‘What the fuck art thou doing in my house?’
‘Thy house?’ quoth Scoot.
‘But ’tis I, Matt, God of Not Angering Major Appliances!’ spake the God of Not Angering Major Appliances as he didst somehow seize Nori in his two-dimensional grip.
‘Let go of me, buttfucker!’ quoth Nori, and she didst flit down and kicketh the Not Angering Major Appliances square in the nuts.
But her attack didst not even faze him.
‘Ha! Ha!’ laughed the God of Doing All Thine Own Stunts, ‘I am a cartoon character, and in this form, I haveth no nuts!’
‘Then thou’rt way too fuckin’ happy for a guy with no balls!’ quoth Nori.
And the God of Evil didst pop out of the TV screen as the Hamburger Helper Guy, and he didst tear out the door and start throttling Biff Henderson, saying: ‘Chef Boyardee is hot for me! Must kill… Wait a minute… Art we on the air?…’
And the God of M&Ms didst let go of Biff and pat him on the head.
And the Gods of Hondo didst lift the Thing with the Stuff over their heads, for it didst take both of them to do it, and gloat— in accordance with the Thirty- Second Commandment— for they had waited long to possess this fabulous item, which was even more useful than their towel.
‘Well,’ quoth Nori, ‘that was all rather anticlimactic, don’t ye think?’
‘At long last,’ spake the God of Kodak Moments, ‘we, the Gods of Hondo, have the Thing with the Stuff! We owe thee a debt of gratitude, Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans.’
‘Dost this mean I finally getteth a promotion?’ quoth he.
‘Of course not,’ spake the God of Kashmir Underpants, the Gift For the Man Who Knoweth Everything, ‘and ye know why. Everybody…’
‘Thou art the Hans…’ sang the Dudes in unison.
‘Now, Booby,’ spake the God of the Greatest Song In the World, ‘hast thou compiled the rest of the Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff?’
‘Nay,’ quoth he, ‘for I have not yet located a mummified cat in order that I might…’
And he didst shudder.
‘Never mind,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘To celebrate, we shall have a great Riverdance!’
And the God of Stupidity didst accidentally summon forth a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
‘Hey!’ quoth Nori, ‘that’s not Count Chocula™!’
‘But it hath crunchy nuts!’
‘Do I look like a fucking squirrel to thee!?’ cried Nori. ‘Canst thou not do anything right!?’
And the God of the Kombucha Mushroom People didst summon a box of Count Chocula™, and the Dudes didst all enjoy a bowl.
‘Now,’ spake the God of Beautiful Freaks, ‘I believeth thou hast a date with destiny tonight! Hast thou thy Mulambo Mask, Dirty Uncle Orty?’
‘Don’t ye know it!’ quoth he.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes unto the Ed Sullivan Theater in time for them to perform on the Late Show.
And on the TV in Scoot’s empty room, David Letterman was heard to sayeth: ‘…Well, that was an unexpected development… Um, ladies and gentlemen, I present to thee Pocket Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish— whoa!— and extra-special guests… the Gods of Hondo!…’
And the crowd went wild as they didst put on the most powered-up show of their lives.
And it was good.
And it came to pass that one night that Scoot the Ko’An and the Dudes were watching The Late Show, for the Prophetess Adria had told him it wouldst be a good idea to invite all of the Dudes for this episode. So somehow the Dudes didst all manage to fitteth in Scoot’s room to watch their old TV pal Dave.
And Allan Kalter said unto the live television audience: ‘Live, from New York— in the Crosshairs of the World— ’tis the Late Show with David Letter-man!…
‘Tonight: the Late Show Mystery Prize Van!…
‘Fitness guru, Richard Simmons!…
‘Republicon Presidential Candidate, Megatron!…
‘And musical guest Pocket Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish!…’
‘The hell…’ quoth Dirty Uncle Orty, and the Dudes didst look amongst themselves in confusion.
‘Then what the fuck art thou doing here, ye dumbasses?’ quoth Nori.
‘…And now— when he’s not hosting this show, he’s fighting crime in Chinatown— Daaavid Lettermaaan!!…’
‘But, ’tis in another time zone…’ quoth the Hans.
‘This is totally not on my calendar,’ quoth Orty.
And so, as the Dudes didst discuss the matter as a committee, Dave didst launch into a monologue of many things, of scandals and dimpled chads and kings.
But the next segment didst finally regain the Dudes attention, for ’twas called “Everything’s Funnier When Megatron Bloweth the Shit Out of It!” and in it there were many explosions.
And there was much rejoicing.
And it came to pass that Dave didst chase Richard Simmons with a fire extinguisher, and it was good.
‘…And now…’ quoth Dave, ‘ ’tis time for one of our most popular games. ’Tis time to launcheth The Late Show Mystery Prize Van!…’
And Paul Shafer and the CBS Orchestra didst play the “Mystery Prize Van” Theme.
‘We now bring thee, live via CBS satellite from Shitsplat, which is Havre, Biff Henderson. How goeth it, Biff?…’
‘What the hell art they doing in this dump?’ quoth Scoot.
And the Dudes didst shrug their shoulders.
‘…I now standeth in front of this dump here in the alley,’ quoth Biff, ‘for I am told it is a place of local interest. I am told that here liveth the only man who dareth to answer the payphone in this alley when it ringeth. It canst ring for days when he is not home, according to local legend…’
And Biff didst knock on the door.
‘Ooh! this shouldst be good!…’ quoth Casey.
‘Hey,’ quoth Nori, ‘wilt one of thou dipshits go answer the door? Can’t ye here someone knocking?’
‘Yoco,’ quoth Scoot, ‘we don’t wanteth to miss this. Go answereth the door.’
‘Oh, fine,’ quoth Yoco, and he didst go and answer the door.
‘…I am knocking,’ quoth Biff, ‘but so far no one answereth. Hey, Dave! Ye think we got hose—’
And the door didst open, and the Hans didst answer it.
‘No way!’ quoth the Dudes in unison, for they didst finally recognize the place Biff Henderson was standing as Scootly Ko’An Manor.
‘…Dost thou live here?’ quoth Biff.
‘Ye could say that…’ quoth the Hans.
‘Well,’ quoth Biff, ‘thou hast won the Late Show Mystery Prize. Thou may chooseth any prize thou desireth from the back of this van!’
And two scantily clad women didst open the back of the Mystery Prize Van. And contained therein was a great bounty of prizes to chooseth from.
‘Well, Scoot,’ quoth Nori, ‘I guess now thou wisheth thou hadst answered thine own fucking door, right?…’
Meanwhile, the Hans didst ponder the many prizes for a time, and finally said unto Biff, ‘What’s that?’
‘ ’Tis the Thing With the Stuff,’ quoth Biff.
‘Seriously?’ quoth the Hans.
‘Aye!’ quoth Biff, ‘for Dave hath many secret items, and sometimes he doth feel generous. Dost thou want the Thing With the Stuff?’
‘Aye!…’ quoth the Hans.
‘Hot diggety dank!’ quoth the High Priestess of Hondo.
‘I can’t believeth ’tis not butter!’ quoth Myles the Unbeliever.
‘Well,’ quoth Nori, ‘it sure doth not look like much.’
‘So tell me,’ quoth Biff, ‘what is thy name, anyway?’
Quoth the Sacrificial Goat of Hondo: ‘I am called Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans.’
‘Damn!’ quoth Biff, ‘that’s a mouthful!’
‘Thou’rt tellin’ me!…’
‘Wait a minute!’ quoth Casey, ‘I don’t remembereth him being called the Hans! When the hell didst that happen?’
‘The Gods of Hondo didst appear unto us and giveth him his new name after we didst turn in Waldo,’ quoth Nori. ‘Dost thou not remember, dumbass?’
‘But I thought Waldo got away,’ quoth RJ.
‘When the bloody hell didst we do that?’
‘After we went forth unto New Jersey to helpeth Jennifer!’
‘We never went unto New Jersey!’ quoth Richard. ‘We went unto Death’s trial and the Gods were sentenced to a week in hell before they sent thee into the Outhouse of Time!’
‘But I thought they were acquitted!’ quoth Adria.
‘All because Loki shitted!’ quoth Nori.
‘Shat,’ quoth Scoot.
‘Shit!’ quoth Nori. ‘Leaveth it to the Gods of Hondo to totally fuck up the Space-Time Continuum…’
‘Ha!’ laughed Scoot. ‘Take that, Continuity!’
‘Shhhhh!’ quoth Booby, ‘We art missing the good parts.’
For the Hans was being shown on national television being awarded the Thing with the Stuff.
And it came to pass that the God of Living In Chaos didst appear before them in Scoot’s room as the Sun-Fizz cartoon ad guy.
‘Eek!’ cried Orty.
‘Run away! Run away!’ cried Scoot.
And the Dudes didst all cram through Scoot’s door and pile into the other room of Scootly Ko’An Manor.
‘Wait!’ cried the God of Comptrollers, ‘Why won’t thou play with me! I’m full of Vitamin C!’
‘That’s not all thou’rt full of!’ cried Nori. ‘What the fuck art thou doing in my house?’
‘Thy house?’ quoth Scoot.
‘But ’tis I, Matt, God of Not Angering Major Appliances!’ spake the God of Not Angering Major Appliances as he didst somehow seize Nori in his two-dimensional grip.
‘Let go of me, buttfucker!’ quoth Nori, and she didst flit down and kicketh the Not Angering Major Appliances square in the nuts.
But her attack didst not even faze him.
‘Ha! Ha!’ laughed the God of Doing All Thine Own Stunts, ‘I am a cartoon character, and in this form, I haveth no nuts!’
‘Then thou’rt way too fuckin’ happy for a guy with no balls!’ quoth Nori.
And the God of Evil didst pop out of the TV screen as the Hamburger Helper Guy, and he didst tear out the door and start throttling Biff Henderson, saying: ‘Chef Boyardee is hot for me! Must kill… Wait a minute… Art we on the air?…’
And the God of M&Ms didst let go of Biff and pat him on the head.
And the Gods of Hondo didst lift the Thing with the Stuff over their heads, for it didst take both of them to do it, and gloat— in accordance with the Thirty- Second Commandment— for they had waited long to possess this fabulous item, which was even more useful than their towel.
‘Well,’ quoth Nori, ‘that was all rather anticlimactic, don’t ye think?’
‘At long last,’ spake the God of Kodak Moments, ‘we, the Gods of Hondo, have the Thing with the Stuff! We owe thee a debt of gratitude, Brian Fritz Pud Yoco Peppy McBean Oreamnos Americanus Something Pookie Skanky-Bitch the Hans.’
‘Dost this mean I finally getteth a promotion?’ quoth he.
‘Of course not,’ spake the God of Kashmir Underpants, the Gift For the Man Who Knoweth Everything, ‘and ye know why. Everybody…’
‘Thou art the Hans…’ sang the Dudes in unison.
‘Now, Booby,’ spake the God of the Greatest Song In the World, ‘hast thou compiled the rest of the Instruction Manual for the Thing with the Stuff?’
‘Nay,’ quoth he, ‘for I have not yet located a mummified cat in order that I might…’
And he didst shudder.
‘Never mind,’ spake the God of Magic. ‘To celebrate, we shall have a great Riverdance!’
And the God of Stupidity didst accidentally summon forth a box of Honey Nut Cheerios.
‘Hey!’ quoth Nori, ‘that’s not Count Chocula™!’
‘But it hath crunchy nuts!’
‘Do I look like a fucking squirrel to thee!?’ cried Nori. ‘Canst thou not do anything right!?’
And the God of the Kombucha Mushroom People didst summon a box of Count Chocula™, and the Dudes didst all enjoy a bowl.
‘Now,’ spake the God of Beautiful Freaks, ‘I believeth thou hast a date with destiny tonight! Hast thou thy Mulambo Mask, Dirty Uncle Orty?’
‘Don’t ye know it!’ quoth he.
And it came to pass that the Gods of Hondo didst transport the Dudes unto the Ed Sullivan Theater in time for them to perform on the Late Show.
And on the TV in Scoot’s empty room, David Letterman was heard to sayeth: ‘…Well, that was an unexpected development… Um, ladies and gentlemen, I present to thee Pocket Poodle and the Pig-Stinging Jellyfish— whoa!— and extra-special guests… the Gods of Hondo!…’
And the crowd went wild as they didst put on the most powered-up show of their lives.
And it was good.
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