FicWad

A/N: I don't own Gravitation.

#30 kiss

Kiss


I bolted. I didn't feel in control enough to stay and pick up the pieces. The air was so cold after the smoked filled club that it hurt my chest as I pushed through throngs of people and mindlessly walked. Once the shock wore off, the sting in my hand awakened. I stopped at a street corner and looked down at my reddened knuckles. If my hand hurt like this, I couldn't imagine how his face felt.

We had decided to go out, just the two of us trying to be anonymous and have a good time. I hated going to places like that, but I decided to put my own wants aside for a change to make him happy. And he was happy - for a little while anyway.

This was the first time we'd gone to Hell and neither of us knew what to expect. At first it was your average club. We sat at the bar, ordered drinks and listened to the techno blaring through unseen speakers. The strobes were working at full tilt, and it was hard to focus on anyone long enough to really get a good look at them. People were dancing, talking, drinking - normal night at a club. There was this guy in a business suit sitting to my left and I could see him talking to the bartender out of the corner of my eye, but I couldn't hear anything over the music and the thumping bass vibrating throughout the room.

After our second drink I turned and saw the same business suit guy getting led around on a leash by a guy wearing nothing but jeans and nipple rings. I nudged Shuichi and he immediately burst into laughter - now that I could hear. As the club filled up there was more bare skin than clothing. It was kind of amusing really, to see people openly enjoy being degraded. To each his own, right?

I felt a hand on mine and turned as Shu was leaning towards me to be heard over the din. "Let's dance."

I shook my head - I came, that was going to have to be enough. "You go, I'll watch." I smirked at him. He knew how much I liked to watch his body move, and he was more than willing to comply.

I ordered another drink and turned in my seat so I could see the dance floor better. He moved with grace and ease, his leather pants rode low on his hips and his shirt revealing a generous portion of his belly. I could see him losing himself in the music, periodically closing his eyes and letting go. He looked so erotic, moving along with the others but when he opened his eyes he never failed to look directly at me. I could feel myself responding to his body - the foreplay had begun and we had yet to touch each other.

The drinks were going down a little too smoothly, I realize that now. He was having so much fun and I didn't mind watching. He would periodically come to me, have a drink and stand close - nuzzling my ear and pressing against me. I would assure him I was having a good time, and he would return to the chaos of the dance floor. I could pick him out easily - he was the only one with clothes covering more than 50% of his body. I got up to use the men's room and when I got back I scanned the crowd and couldn't find him. After a few minutes I got up to look and saw him leaning against the wall with a drink in his hand, talking to this guy and laughing. The guy was wearing tight leather shorts and ink, and the way he was talking to Shuichi with such familiarity wasn't sitting right with me. The closer I got to them the angrier I got. There was sheen of sweat over Shuichi's body making him almost shimmer, and his eyes were absolutely gleaming - he looked incredibly sexy. Why was he talking to that guy?

I didn't realize how much I had drunk until I started to make my way across the crowded room. I was having trouble walking a straight line, jostling a few people as I went and ignoring their complaints. As I got closer I could hear his laugh and my jealousy got out of control - he should be saving all of this for me! He saw me coming and his smile widened for a moment before it faltered and he took a step forward.

"Yuki, I'd like you to meet - " He stopped short when tattoo boy offered his hand and I slapped it away.

"Let's go Shuichi." I glared at the guy and grabbed Shu by the arm.

"Let go!" He pulled away and took a step back. "What's wrong with you?"

"Hey, what's your problem? Leave the little guy alone."

Tattoo boy moved to step in front of Shuichi and I lost it. Did he think that Shuichi needed protection from me?! "Who the fuck do you think you are? Get out of my way, and stay the fuck away from him, understand?"

"Wait Yuki! You have the wrong idea, this is -"

"I don't care who he is. Let's go." Again I reached for Shuichi, but the guy tried to interfere.

"He says he doesn't want to go with you."

"I'm saying mind your own fucking business!" I pulled my arm back and swung just as Shuichi jumped in front of him. Fuck! I didn't just hit him; I hit him as hard as I could.

I stood there for a moment completely paralyzed. I was so enraged that it scared me. When I saw the blood trickle down from his cut lip I short-circuited - I turned and walked out. I was furious with the bastard he was talking to, I was furious with Shuichi for getting in the way, and I was furious with myself for losing control - I had promised both of us it wouldn't happen again.

I hadn't laid a finger on him in anger in over a year and I lived with the guilt every day of my life. I had been under a lot of pressure with deadlines and had been drinking more than usual. We got in an argument over something petty and it just got out of control. Before I realized what I was doing, Shuichi was sprawled on the floor clutching his face. He had called into work for a week to hide the evidence and I spent the week groveling and making promises. Promises I obviously can't keep.

When I stopped walking I had no idea where I was. I was freezing, so I must've been walking for quite a while. I stopped and sat on a bench, holding my head in my hands. I just left him there. I laid him out and then I left him there. I totally fucked up. Maybe I should just take a cab to a hotel - would he really want to see me? I really thought that I had control of my anger. After the last incident I had started therapy, and I thought it was working. I didn't know shit.

I needed to know if he was okay, that's all. I didn't expect him to forgive me - I just wanted him to be alright. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cell phone, staring at it for a minute before I dialed our number. Part of me wished that he wouldn't be there to answer it, but the rest of me needing to hear his voice desperately. He picked up after the first ring.

"Yuki?"

I hesitated a moment before I answered, relieved that he was home but now not wanting to talk to him. "Yeah."

"Are you okay?" The worry in his voice was genuine and this broke my heart.

"I should be asking you that."

"I'm fine, really. I -"

"Shut up!" I almost screamed then forced myself to lower my voice. "There's nothing fine about this. I hit you... I hit you and left you there."

"You didn't mean to hit me, I know that."

"And that makes it okay? Fuck Shuichi, would you grow a pair and let yourself be angry with me!"

"I never said I wasn't angry." His voice was low and filled with sadness. "I'm hurt and angry, Yuki, but I want you to come home so we can talk about this."

"I don't think I should come home tonight, you don't need this. "

"I need you." He sounded so small. He was hurting and I was doing it to him. Again.

"I'll be there in a little while." I hung up without waiting for a reply.

Now that my adrenaline had worn off I was shivering with cold. I pulled the light jacket I had on tighter around me and headed to an area where I could hail a cab. I didn't deserve to go home, I didn't deserve him. But I wasn't about to sit in the cold and wallow in my misery - plus I really needed to see him too.

When the cab dropped me off, the apartment was lit up light a Christmas tree - every light was on, and I could see Shuichi's silhouette pacing from room to room. I wanted to leave and save him the torment, but I went inside instead. He met me at the door, eyes wide with worry. The first thing I noticed was the damage I'd done - the split lip and the bruised swelling. I touched his face, my eyes quickly overflowing with hot tears.

"I'm so sorry." I touched his cheek, wishing that I could undo all the damage I'd caused.

I don't know how we ended up on the floor, he cradling me in his lap as I cried like a baby. I had hit him, and here he was soothing me.

"Shhh. It's okay, everything's okay." Suddenly I realized what he was saying as he rubbed my back and held me close.

"It's not." I shook my head, pushing away from him and seeing the sadness in his eyes.

He leaned in and kissed me tenderly before pressing his forehead against mine. "It is."

I'm damaged goods and don't deserve this, but somehow I have it anyway. "You're a masochist, you know that?"

"Yup." He suddenly sounded much older. "We're too far gone to be giving up over something like this. We don't have the luxury anymore of running from each other when things don't go right - we have to work through all the unpleasant shit - we'll take care of ourselves."

I just looked at him, wondering how this happened - how had he gotten smarter than me.

"Look. You didn't hit me on purpose, I know that and you should know it too. We'll work through this."

I could only nod. He kissed me again, a gentle press of lips against mine. A kiss filled with love, making me realize what we'd become. We were more than just lovers. Who would've thought it?