FicWad

I’m 16 and we’ve drifted apart. You’re still my best friend forever and we see each other at weekends when I pop round to your house. But at school we don’t see much of each other as we have different friendship groups. I miss you, so much.

I’ve joined the swimming team so that takes up a lot of my time after school. You haven’t joined any school clubs but I know that you’re learning to play the bass. I’m learning the guitar and it’s all that I do when I get home after swimming practice. I go round to yours on weekends so that I don’t completely lose contact with you and sometimes we practice together. We learn the same songs that we both love so much and we play them along with the track. I sing sometimes when we write our own stuff but I’m not very good. I have a scratchy voice but you encourage me and tell me that it’s better than yours with a laugh. I nod because I know that it’s true and I laugh with you.

I had my first kiss last year and it was with Georgia. We went out for a couple of weeks but I broke it off when I realised that I didn’t like her how I thought I had. She meant nothing to me romantically and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings in the long run. We went back to being friends and although it was a bit awkward at first we got back to normal. It was hard not to, we had the same homeroom and classes.

But I realised something in those few weeks with Georgia. I’m gay. And I like you more than I should. You make my heart beat in ways that Georgia should have and you make me smile like nobody’s business at the smallest thing. I like you, Mikey. I like you a whole lot.

And it sucks so much that we’re drifting apart.

I haven’t told you about my revelation and I don’t know if you already know or not. You haven’t mentioned anything and I don’t know how obvious it is. I’m kind of worried about people being able to figure it out. I don’t want to be known as the gay kid who likes his best friend.

I think you’re straight, anyway. You haven’t had a girlfriend that I know of but I do know that you’ve kissed a few girls, but never any guys. I haven’t kissed a guy, either, though. You get a bit carried away when you’re drunk and you hit on lots of girls. I don’t. I shy away from them and wander off so that I don’t have to see you kissing people who aren’t me.

We go to the same parties because normally anyone is allowed to just turn up and so we go together. But we leave separately. That’s what upsets me most. I wish that we walked home together and stayed round each other’s houses so that we could wake up hung over together. But we don’t. You normally stay round at the party-thrower’s house while I either get a cab home (if it’s far) or walk.

We’re at a party now and I’m drinking something out of a plastic cup. I don’t know what it is; you poured it for me before wandering off into the crowd of people and dancing with them. I stayed back and let you do your thing, feeling insanely jealous. I wanted to be those people you were dancing with. I wanted you to lean into me and press your lips against mine. I wanted our teeth to bump and our tongues to clash. I wanted your nose pressed against mine, your breath hitting my cheek. I wanted to be closer to you than I ever had been.

I find Georgia and I sit with her outside. She has a boyfriend now, some guy called Andrew. He’s nice enough and at least he actually likes her, unlike me. I cringe slightly when they go into a full out make-out session and I sit there awkwardly as I wait for them to finish.

“Sorry,” she mutters with a smile when she pulls away. I can see a thin line of saliva around her mouth and I wished that it was me with saliva around my lips. Your saliva, to be exact.

“No problem,” I reply with a fake-smile. Inside I’m dying but I’ve put on such a good front that nobody has noticed. You haven’t even noticed and you used to notice everything. But it’s understandable; we’re not together as much as we used to be.

Georgia and Andrew begin talking to me and we have random drunken conversations about crap. I try extra hard to not spill my feelings because I know what I’m like when I’m drunk. I keep my feelings for you deep down and I don’t tell them. Instead, I tell them about our band we’re working on at weekends. We’re not really a ‘band’ though. It’s just the two of us but it’s fun and some of our stuff is pretty good, if I dare say.

I know that Andrew plays guitar so he’s excited that we’re playing instruments together. He’s in a band, himself, so I don’t invite him into our band. I wouldn’t want him in it anyway. I like that it’s just the two of us. It’s ours. It’s our time alone.

You’re brother’s still a bit weird, as always. He’s going to college soon, though, so I think he’s trying to get on everyone’s good side before he leaves. He’s extra friendly to you, lending you his comics and CDs when you ask whereas before he would have said ‘no’ and kicked you out of his bedroom. He has the best CD and comic book collection and we used to always go into his room and ogle at them. Now, though, he lets you borrow them.

Our parents have noticed that we’re not together all the time anymore and my mum knows that it’s taken a toll on me. I think she’s the only person who’s noticed that I’m not my bubbly self anymore and she keeps trying to talk to your mum about getting the two of us together again. But it’s no use – I have swimming practice. So, it’s my fault, basically.

I want to know if our separation has had such an impact on your happiness, too, or if it’s just me who’s being overly pathetic. But after so many years of it just being the two of us, it’s hard to get used to us being apart. I miss you, Mikey. I miss you so much.