Categories > Original > Drama
The Other Side Of Me
0 reviewsAddison has the house to himself for the afternoon and makes good use of it. Kyle comes home in the middle of his fun.
0Unrated
Title: The Other Side Of Me
Author: Allison Wonderland
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Addison has the house to himself for the afternoon and makes good use of it. His brother comes home in the middle of his fun.
Warning(s): Mild angst, mild language, original characters, transgender issues, mild incest.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This work is the sole property of the author and is not to be reproduced through any means, either whole or in part without the permission of the author.
Series: Feel That Fire
Word Count: ~7800
Note(s): Takes place Friday, May 12, 2006. Addison’s and Kyle’s last name is pronounced ‘luh-veen’. Like Avril. The song Addison/Addy/The Girl is singing in front of the mirror is The Other Side Of Me by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. The song Kyle is playing on the radio in his truck is Sweet Home Alabama by Lynard Skynard.
~*~
Addison LaVigne’s hand shook as he inserted his key in the lock on the back door of his house. Just my luck I’d have the wrong key on today of all days, he thought. But when he twisted the key in the lock it turned smoothly and he heard the tumblers shift. The door opened easily and Addison slipped inside before Cici could come along and see him. Cecilia Elizabeth Soucy – otherwise known as Cici – was Addison’s best friend in the entire world after his eighteen year old brother Kyle and his only friend at Meyersville Junior High, the only junior high school public or private in the small town of Meyersville in northern Louisiana. She had to walk right past his house on her way home if she didn’t stop at the diner or the library first. If she hadn’t already beaten him home. At lunch he had told Cici he couldn’t walk home with her because he had an appointment at the doctor’s office. Addison didn’t like lying to his only friend his own age but he had a good reason, and an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.
Addison was never alone in the house. On most days during the week he and Cecilia went to the diner for a Coke and a cookie directly after school then to the library to do their homework together until five o’ clock when Kyle got off work at Dixie’s Garage. At five o’ clock Cecilia and Addison walked up the street to Dixie’s where they met Kyle and he took them both home. On nights when Kyle was working late Cecilia walked home from the garage by herself or, if it was raining, Dixie drove her home. Addison stayed at the garage and stretched out in the backseat of whatever car Kyle was working on to read whatever book he was reading at the time. Either way, the whole family was always home by the time Addison got there.
Kyle and Addison’s Momma was a very successful real estate agent, partly because she had thrown herself into her career after their Daddy’s death when Kyle had just turned fifteen and Addison was just eight years old. This evening she had a late showing of one of the larger, fancier homes she was trying to sell and wouldn’t be home until at least six thirty or seven o’ clock. Today was Friday so that meant Stefan – Momma’s new husband – was having his late day at the office in preparation for his having the weekend off. He would be especially late and might not be home until eight or nine o’ clock that night. Elena – Stefan’s six year old daughter from his first marriage and the little girl Momma had always wanted instead of two boys – wouldn’t be home at all tonight because she was leaving straight from Meyersville Elementary School to go to a friend’s house for her first ever slumber party. Kyle was working until five o’ clock tonight and if Addison didn’t turn up before then he would just assume his brother had gone to Cici’s house after school instead of to the diner and studying at the library. Today was pay day for Kyle and after Dixie gave him his check he would go to the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash it and stop on the way back to fill his precious truck – a gift from Daddy on his death bed – with gas. So Addison knew Kyle wouldn’t be back until at least six thirty or seven o’ clock as well. The twelve year old was confident he would have the house to himself for a few hours. Cici had left some of her clothes – a skirt, tee shirt, and leggings – behind the last time she had slept over. Addison had always wanted to try on girls’ clothes, to let the girl who lived inside him out and to see what she looked like, and this was too good an opportunity to pass up even if he had to tell his best friend a little white lie to do it.
For the whole afternoon the house was his and he planned to take full advantage of that little fact. Addison shut the door when he stepped inside the house. He turned to the left toward the stairs and his bedroom separated from Kyle’s by their shared bathroom on the second floor. Then he stopped in his tracks. What if Momma comes home early to get something she needs to show the house? he thought. What if Stefan comes home early? What if Elena doesn’t go to straight to her sleepover after school? What if Kyle comes home after work instead of going to cash his check?
Every Friday night after Dixie Calhoun gave him his check, Kyle always took Addison out for ice cream after dinner. But sometimes they left straight from Dixie’s garage if Addison stopped in there or Kyle came directly home from the garage if Addison had already walked home with Cici. On those special Friday nights he took Addison with him when he went over to cash his check. Those rare days always saw Kyle buying Addison some tiny little thing, something that was always inexpensive but something that Addison loved just because his brother had given it to him. Last time it had been a big high bounce ball with some kind of water and purple – Addison’s favorite color – glitter inside like a snow globe. After Wal-Mart they normally went to McDonalds for dinner where Kyle got a Big Mac or two with large fries and a large Coke. Addison always got a Happy Meal with chicken nuggets and little slices of apple with caramel dipping sauce and a chocolate milk shake so big he could barely wrap his hands around it. The only bad part about having dinner at McDonalds was when he had to tell the person at the counter that he wanted the toy they were currently giving away for boys. It was usually some nasty little Hot Wheels or Matchbox car or Lego or something like that, something Addison had no use for and didn’t want. What he really wanted was the little dolls – Barbie or Madame Alexander or Bratz or American Girls – that they always had there for the girls’ Happy Meals. But he couldn’t say he wanted a girls’ toy. It would be too weird and Kyle might start getting suspicious about The Girl.
Out of everyone Addison knew – even his best friend after his brother, Cici – if someone were to find out about what he was going to do today while he had the house to himself, he would prefer it to be Kyle who found out because his brother was most likely to if not understand what he was going through to at least not turn his back on Addison or belittle him just because he was different from other boys his age. Besides, Addison knew his brother was different from most other almost eighteen year old boys too. Kyle liked girls but he liked boys just as much. The twelve year old only knew because he had woken up from a nightmare one night and gone to find Kyle only to find his brother on the couch kissing another boy. The boy had gone home and Kyle had spent the rest of the night explaining about gay, straight, and bisexual and answering a million of Addison’s questions.
But the younger boy still preferred not to be discovered at all. Addison took a moment to turn the lock on the doorknob. Then he locked the deadbolt as well and, as an afterthought, attached the chain to the door too. He had no idea if the chain would work because he couldn’t remember the last time it had been used but if it did work it would let Addison have a few more minutes to make himself presentable before anyone saw him since he had to be downstairs at the door to take the chain off if anyone wanted in.
Addison still slept in the old nursery. He had been the last child born to Simon and Mackenzie LaVigne so there had never been reason to move him out of the nursery. As such, Addison had the smallest of the bedrooms in the five bedroom house. The downstairs bedroom had been Daddy’s office when he was alive and Stefan had taken it over once he had moved in after marrying Momma. Upstairs, Momma and Stefan had the big master bedroom at the head of the stairs, complete with their own bathroom. Elena had the second biggest bedroom, the one that should have Kyle’s or Addison’s and had in fact once been Kyle’s bedroom. Elena’s room was right next to the master bedroom. Addison slept in the old nursery at the other end of the hall. Next to his bedroom was the bathroom he and Kyle shared, and on the other side of the bathroom was Kyle’s bedroom which had, several generations ago, been the nanny’s quarters.
When Simon LaVigne had still been alive he had often told his sons a story about the first few days after they had brought baby Addison home from the hospital. Before then the nursery had been five year old Kyle’s bedroom. Just before the baby’s birth Kyle had been moved to the bedroom on the other end of the hall nearest to the master bedroom, the room that was now Elena’s. The nursery had been refurbished for Addison – the stained carpet replaced, the crayoned on walls wallpapered over, the baby furniture repainted to cover any dirty fingerprints from the last child and placed back in the room after Kyle’s things had been moved out. At the time Kyle had been going through a phase where everything he saw was ‘mine.’ That had included the new baby, particularly since Kyle had been the first person other than Momma and Daddy to hold Addison. After waking up every morning for the first month to find five year old Kyle in the crib with the baby they had finally given in and moved Kyle down the hall to the spare room that shared a bathroom with the nursery. The sleeping arrangement had stayed the same for the last twelve, almost thirteen, years.
Addison hated his bedroom. The entire room was decorated in blue because Addison had been a baby boy and in his parents’ world baby boys slept in blue bedrooms and wore blue clothes. Addison’s favorite colors were bright red and pale purple. He would have preferred to have his bedroom decorated in those colors. The carpet on the floor was baby blue with a Nemo shaped fish rug in the middle of the room to hide a chocolate milk stain on the carpet. The wallpaper was the same sickening shade of baby blue broken up only by skinny, slightly darker stripes. Around the top of the walls up by the ceiling was a border of little brown bears wearing blue ribbons on a white background. To the left of the door was the big old wooden toy box Addison’s father had made. It was, unsurprisingly, white like the rest of the furniture, with the same kind of bear painted on the front that was on the border of the wallpaper. The things in the toy box were rarely used anymore but the top of it was flat and provided the perfect place for Addison to sit his stuffed toys and the ball Kyle had bought him two weeks ago. On the other side of the door was an old armoire that had been in the nursery for years. It was an antique but probably no longer worth as much as it would have been in its original condition because Daddy had painted it white with a little brown bear wearing a baby blue bow tie on the center of each door. At a ninety degree angle from the armoire was a white sleigh style twin size bed with a baby blue and white patchwork comforter. Beneath the comforter were sheets with the Disney characters from Finding Nemo cavorting all over them. Beneath the fitted sheet was a plastic protective cover over the mattress. The plastic protective mattress cover was a necessity because Addison wet the bed at least once a week without fail. It was a problem he had always had. He would probably still be wearing pull-ups if Kyle had his way but Momma had gone and decided Addison was too old for pull-ups, his special blanket, and Blue Dog last August on his twelfth birthday.
Directly across the room from the wardrobe was a full length mirror, the frame of which was also white like the rest of the furniture in the room. Addison hated looking at himself in the mirror because the person – the boy – who showed on the outside was not the person – The Girl – who he was on the inside. But sometimes it was unavoidable and as he passed the mirror this time, he couldn’t help but stop and study his reflection. Like a before and after photo, he told himself. He would look in the mirror now so he could compare how he looked now and how he would look later after he let The Girl out. Addison wished he had his brother’s digital camera so he could take photos of her because he had no idea when – or even if – he would be able to let her out again. But even if Addison knew where Kyle’s digital camera was – and he thought maybe he did even though his brother tried to hide both it and his laptop from him – he didn’t quite dare take a photo of The Girl because what if he didn’t remember how to delete it and his brother saw her?
Addison looked more like his mother than his father. They had the same slightly curly blonde hair though Momma’s hair was thick and curly whereas Addison’s hung limp and stringy and a little too long around his face in what had once been a pixie cut before it had grown out. It came down to a little past his collar in back and was slightly longer than chin length in front. Momma’s hair was all smooth and shiny and golden but Addison’s was dull and lifeless and so pale it was almost white. He was twelve years old and would be thirteen at the end of August just before he started what would be his final year at Meyersville Junior High.
Addison’s best friend Cici was already a teenager and had been for two weeks. At only five feet tall she was one of the shortest kids in their class at school. Addison was only four feet and ten inches tall. Cici was incredibly thin, which many of the other girls their age and a few of those they had run into from the local high school envied, and only weighed eighty five pounds, the low end of the healthy range of weight for her height. Addison’s weight was exactly ten pounds less and almost in the dangerous range for his own height. Cici’s clothes were going to be too big on him. The Girl might look ridiculous in them. But at least he could see what she looked like.
He pushed his bangs back out of the way to reveal a pair of enormous wide set gray eyes surrounded by long dark lashes. Momma’s eyes were the same color. Addison’s nose was exactly like Momma’s, perfectly centered in his face, completely straight, and neither too large nor too small for the rest of his features. He thought his mouth was too wide, lips too full, at least for a boy. It might fit better on The Girl though. Once, Addison had heard Momma telling one of her friends that she thought her youngest son should have been born a girl because he was going to grow up too pretty to be a boy. He had known The Girl was there inside him for a long time but it was not long after that that he had known for sure that she was who he was really supposed to be, that he might be a boy on the outside but everything inside him belonged to The Girl, that inside he was The Girl.
Addison made a face at himself and stepped away from the full length mirror. He went over to the armoire on the opposite side of the room. The doors always stuck but this time when he pulled on the one on the left it swung open right away without even the creak it normally made upon finally opening after he managed to get it unstuck. Two weeks ago Cici had spent the night with Addison while her parents were out of town visiting her older sister at college or her older brother in Baton Rouge, or her grand mother in Austin, Texas or maybe it was her mother’s brother’s ex wife’s great, great, great, great uncle Bob who fought on both sides in the Civil War or…something. Anyway, Addison had no idea who they had been visiting but he did know that Cici had been staying over while her parents had been out of town. She had come over after school on Friday and had not gone home until after school on Monday. Some of the clothes Cici had brought with her had ended up mixed in with Addison’s laundry and his mother had washed them. That particular outfit had been hanging in Addison’s wardrobe since then because Cici always forgot to take her forgotten clothing home with her. And Addison who had been planning for the day he would have the whole house to himself, had not exactly been encouraging her to take her property home with her. Neither had he reminded her of her clothing hanging in his wardrobe. He often opened the door of his wardrobe just to stare at his best friend’s tee shirt, skirt, and leggings hanging there. Her girl tee shirt, skirt, and leggings bought in the girls’ department at some store – probably the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell – and meant for girls, like The Girl inside Addison’s horrible boy’s body, to wear. Just the sight of those clothes in his wardrobe made The Girl want to come out. But she had never had a chance because Addison had never been alone in the house long enough. Momma and Stefan were normally downstairs in the TV room at night when they were home and not paying attention to anything the children were doing. But Elena was always lurking around somewhere trying to spy on Addison and Kyle and run downstairs to tell Momma they were ‘being bad’ at the first sign of either of them doing anything Elena wasn’t allowed to do. And at night if Kyle wasn’t out with his friends – which lately he increasingly wasn’t – he was either in his room watching television and playing with his new laptop or doing his best to entertain Addison. So he could not indulge his curiosity with everyone in the house.
At least, until today, he had never been alone in the house long enough.
Addison reached into his armoire and took out the white plastic hanger his mother had put there with Cici’s clothes on it. The outfit consisted of a white denim skirt and a light purple tee shirt with the pink and purple striped Cheshire cat from Alice In Wonderland on it, as well as a pair of pink and purple striped leggings that matched the cat tee shirt and, on Cici, came just down to her knees. They were simple enough clothes but to Addison and The Girl they were the world’s greatest, most beautiful clothes. There were no underclothes he could try on, no bra or panties. Addison wasn’t sure Cecilia even wore a bra anyway. It seemed to him that she didn’t need one. The Girl certainly didn’t. But it would have been nice to be able to see what one felt like and he – and by extension she – had always loved looking at – and wanting – girls’ panties. They were soft and smooth and lacy and all sorts of pretty colors. Addison had seen some in a store – probably the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell though he didn’t exactly remember where it had been – once that were pretty purple with little blue kitties on them and trimmed in blue lace the same color as the kitties. They were the prettiest things he had ever seen and he had never forgotten them. Boys’ underwear were just ugly in comparison. They were mostly blue or red or black with yucky things on them like Superman or Batman or little cars and trucks and aeroplanes.
Or at least they mostly were. Addison’s favorite movie was Disney’s Finding Nemo. About a month ago Kyle had bought him underwear with the characters from Finding Nemo on them as a reward for not wetting the bed for an entire week. That was after his brother had done plenty of complaining about how it was Momma’s responsibility to make sure Addison got up in the night to use the toilet and he should have been potty trained a long time ago but Momma was so fucking wrapped up in Elena who wasn’t even her god damned daughter that she couldn’t take care of her own kid. Addison didn’t even mind that Momma rarely paid any attention to him anymore. Kyle took care of him better anyway.
Carefully, he laid out his – or her depending upon how one wanted to look at it – clothes. The tee shirt was stretched out on the bed, the leggings placed under it, and the skirt on top of the leggings. Addison didn’t know anything about fashion but he thought it might all look good together. He pulled his blue Finding Nemo tee shirt off over his head and reached for the purple Cheshire cat Alice In Wonderland tee shirt. Addison pulled the sweet smelling – Cici’s mother used tropical rainforest scented laundry detergent and the smell still clung to her clothes even though she had already worn them once and Mrs. LaVigne had washed them in her own hypoallergenic unscented laundry detergent – garment over his head and stuck his arms through the cap sleeves. Addison had seen Cici in the same tee shirt several times. It fit her perfectly. On Addison the cap sleeves were almost the same length as regular tee shirt sleeves. The bottom hem came down past his hips and the so called ‘fitted tee’ hung from his shoulders, not nearly so fitted as it was on his best – and only, really – friend.
Black Converse had been all the rage at Kyle’s high school so Addison’s brother had bought him a pair too. Addison loved having the same shoes as his idolized older brother and had worn them every day since. As a result they were quite raggedy now. He toed off his shoes but left his socks on. His jeans had been stiff and new and dark blue at the beginning of the school year in late August after Kyle had taken him shopping at the Wal-Mart in Hollowell. But in May, with the school year almost over, they were faded from multiple washings, well broken in, and soft to the touch. The button that held them closed was missing so Addison simply slid the zipper down and let his jeans fall to the floor. He stepped out of the pool of denim – Kyle would make him pick them up later if he didn’t just put them back on when he became Addison again – and, standing on the blue carpet in just his little white socks, Addison reached for the leggings. They went on easily but once they were on he realized just how much too big they were. Not big enough to look ridiculous but on Cici they had come to just above her knees. On Addison they came to just below and weren’t nearly as tight.
Maybe his quest to see The Girl was going to end in futility. Addison was sure he was going to look ridiculous. Cici’s clothes were too big for him.
But he had to at least try.
He turned his attention to the white denim skirt on the bed. Unsure of himself – because leggings could be considered short pants and he wore tee shirts all the time but if he put the skirt on that was really girls’ clothes – he picked it up and unfastened it. It went on easily over his feet. Addison pulled it up his legs and fastened the button and zipper at the waist. It was a mini skirt so on Cici it was short and barely covered her butt. Mr. And Mrs. Soucy didn’t approve of their barely a teenager daughter wearing a skirt so short. That was why she had the leggings to wear under it. But on Addison, Cici’s skirt was of decent length. The bottom hem fell midway between his butt and his knees, leaving plenty of the leggings in view. The waist was slightly too large on him and he didn’t have the curved hips of many of the girls his age but neither did Cici so it wasn’t quite large enough to completely fall off of him but it did slide down far enough that, when he held the bottom hem of the tee shirt up, the top of his leggings showed above his skirt. But over all it didn’t feel bad. In fact, Cici’s clothing was quite comfortable.
Addison smoothed his hands down his sides, mentally preparing himself to look in the mirror. He glanced down and saw his socks. And frowned. His socks were all wrong for his outfit. They were big and thick and white. They should be pretty lacy pink girly socks but he didn’t have any of those. Obviously. Addison pulled his socks off and glanced toward the mirror. From his current position he was unable to see anything but the front of the wardrobe in the reflective surface. Nervous, he took a deep breath and stepped toward the mirror, eyes squeezed closed. Addison knew the location of everything in his bedroom with his eyes shut. It only took him a moment to position himself in front of the mirror. Then he opened his eyes.
And found himself severely disappointed.
Addison sighed. Had he found Kyle’s digital camera and been brave enough to take a photo, the before picture and the after picture would have hardly have changed except for the clothes he was wearing. In the mirror was someone who looked more like Addison’s mother than his father but Addison had always looked more like his mother. There was the same slightly curly, yet dull and lifeless, too long, too grown out pixie cut that had been in the mirror the first time he had looked. There was someone in the mirror who was only four feet and ten inches tall and weighed only seventy five pounds which was almost in the dangerous range for his or her height. That person in the mirror – no more than a child really – had enormous wide set gray eyes surrounded by long dark lashes. His or her features were perfect, neither too small nor too large in relation to one another.
The person in the mirror was dressed in a light purple cap sleeve fitted tee shirt with the pink and purple striped Cheshire cat from the Disney Alice In Wonderland movie silk screened on the front of it. The shirt was too big, the cap sleeves almost as long as regular tee shirt sleeves and the ‘fitted’ body of the shirt nowhere close to anything that might be considered fitted. The bottom hem fell well below the figure in the mirror’s hips. With the too big tee shirt he or she wore a pair of leggings striped the same shades of pink and purple as the cat on the tee shirt. The leggings were too big as well. Instead of being tight as they were supposed to be they were loose and a little wrinkled. The bottom hems of the legs were supposed to rest just above the wearer’s knees but on the child in the mirror they came down to just below the knees. Over the leggings the figure in the mirror was wearing a white denim skirt. He or she had no hips whatsoever to hold it up and it sagged a little around the waist as well as being much too long for a mini skirt.
And yet, despite the ill fitting clothing and the fact that the person in the mirror still looked remarkably like Addison…
She wasn’t.
She was The Girl.
Her Momma was pretty and The Girl looked a lot like her Momma. She might even be beautiful when she grew up. She had blonde hair that was slightly curly and a little bit limp and kind of dull but that could be fixed. She was twelve years old but tiny, just four feet and ten inches tall and only seventy five pounds, which made her one of the smallest girls in her class at school. Her enormous wide set brown eyes were the only thing about her appearance she had inherited from her Daddy. Her nose was small, perfectly centered in the middle of her face, completely straight, and neither too large nor too small for the rest of her features. Her mouth was wide with full lips that covered teeth that were not quite straight but were perfectly white.
She had borrowed her clothes from her best friend so they were a little too big for her because Cici was a little bit bigger than she was but they still looked pretty on her. She was wearing a light purple cap sleeve tee shirt that didn’t quite fit as tightly on her as it did on Cici but that was all right because Cici was proud of the fact that she was sort of starting to get boobs like the older girls and could show them off if she wore a tighter shirt. The Girl’s chest was still completely flat and since she wasn’t likely to get bigger any time soon she didn’t mind wearing a loose shirt to hide that. With her shirt she was wearing a white denim mini skirt. On Cici the same skirt barely covered her butt. The Girl actually sort of liked that it was longer on her because she didn’t want anyone to see that she was wearing ugly boy underwear or get a glimpse of the tiny bulge in her leggings that was the only part of her that marked her as not-a-girl. The leggings she had on under her skirt were striped pink and purple like the cat on her tee shirt and came down to just below her knees but she didn’t think they looked bad on her. She spun around in a circle.
The girl in the mirror spun around in a circle too.
The Girl giggled, her hands coming up to touch her face.
The girl in the mirror soundlessly did the same.
She grinned. But there was something missing. The Girl couldn’t celebrate seeing herself for the first time without music. She ran to the CD player and quickly inserted the CD that Cici had made for her last weekend: a mix of Hannah Montana songs, a few of Taylor Swift’s biggest hits, and a couple of songs from the High School Musical and High School Musical 2 soundtracks.
The other side, the other side, the other side of me…
By day I play the part in every way
All simple, sweet, calm, and collected
Pretend to my friends I’m a chameleon
Can make a girl feel disconnected.
Miley Cyrus’s – or was it Hannah Montana’s song because The Girl could never figure out if a song could belong to a fictional character or not – song The Other Side Of Me came blaring out of her CD player’s speakers. It was so appropriate for the two sides of her as well as the Hannah/Miley thing.
Feel like a star, a super hero
Sometimes it’s hard to separate
Got too much on my plate.
“If you could see the other side of me!” she sang along loudly and very much off key. Addison’s voice had not broken yet so The Girl’s voice was still high pitched and squeaky.
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell?
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
The other side, the other side I want you to see
The other side, the other side, the other side of me.
The girl danced back across the floor to her full length mirror so she could watch herself as she sang.
Inside I try to make the pieces fit right
A jigsaw puzzle everywhere
Cause I flip this script so many times I forget
Who’s onstage, who’s in the mirror!
The Girl knew. She was in the mirror. Not the Addison costume she was forced to wear for her parents and her brother and Cici and everyone else.
Back in the spotlight the crowd is calling
The paparazzi and the fame
It can drive a girl insane
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell?
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
The other side, the other side I want you to see
The other side, the other side, the other side of me
She spied her hairbrush lying on the bed and grabbed it up to use as a microphone. “Down inside I’m not that different,” she sang along with her CD player, still loud and off key.
Like everyone I have a dream
Don’t want to hide, just want to fit in
Sometimes it’s harder than it seems
Being a girl was fabulous!
~*~
Big wheels keep on turnin’
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the southland
I miss Alabama once again
And I think it’s a sin, yes.
Seventeen year old but only for another week Kyle LaVigne sang along with the radio on his way home from work. His voice was loud but on key and blended surprisingly well with the Lynard Skynard song playing on the radio.
Well I heard Mr. Young sing about her
Well I heard ol’ Neil put her down
Well I hope Neil Young will remember
A southern man don’t need him around anyhow.
Kyle’s voice had changed relatively early. He had been only a few weeks past his twelfth birthday when he had gone from high pitched and squeaky to a slow, deep southern drawl reminiscent of the south that sounded like honey poured over gravel. He had inherited it from his father and – unlike Addison who looked more like their mother – Kyle resembled their father in most other ways as well.
He had straight-as-a-board dark brown, almost back hair that fell down past his shoulder blades and was always worn in a ponytail. He had his father‘s deep brown eyes too but they were surrounded by long lashes like his mother‘s and brother‘s. Like his father, Kyle was tall. He had shot up to six feet tall just after his seventeenth birthday and had only grown half an inch since then. But his mother – in her more attentive moments – had assured him that he was probably not done growing. After all, Daddy had been an enormous man – six feet, and four inches tall and well over two hundred pounds, hardly any of it fat – and Kyle took after him. Kyle would be eighteen years old next Saturday – exactly a week and a day away – and the week after that – the last Sunday in May – he would graduate from high school. And for Kyle it was not a moment too soon. He had excellent grades in every subject except English, which he was only barely passing. The only reason he was passing was because Addison – who was apparently some kind of genius or something – had written his brother’s thirty page senior paper. Kyle, due to having dyslexia and the fact that the Meyersville school system didn’t have a special class for learning disabled children, couldn‘t read more than his own name. But for his future, he didn’t really need to read. Momma thought he had been applying to colleges and had selected one to go to in the fall but she couldn’t have been more wrong. Dixie had offered Kyle a full time job with the possibility of becoming a partner in the business in a few years after he graduated from high school and he had every intention of taking it. Automobile repair was one of the things he loved most in life and one day in the future he intended to have his own business repairing and restoring classic and antique cars. Just like Daddy had had before his death when Kyle was fifteen and Addison was eight.
“Sweet home Alabama,” Kyle sang along with the radio in what was practically his Daddy’s voice. “Where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama. Lord I’m comin’ home to you!”
So what if he lived in Louisiana and had his entire life?
In Birmingham they love the governor, boo boo boo
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you. Now tell the truth.
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord I’m coming home to you
Here I come, Alabama
It was Friday and ordinarily on Friday nights Kyle worked from three o’ clock – half an hour after he got out of school for the day – until five o’ clock. Fridays were his short day at the garage. Kyle had gotten involved in a special school-to-work program that had been implemented two years ago – the same year he had started working. If a high school student had a job he or she was permitted to spend half a day at school and the other half at his or her job four days a week as long as he or she was able to keep his or her grades up. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, Kyle went to school from seven thirty in the morning until classes let out for lunch at eleven thirty. At eleven thirty he went home or to the diner for lunch then to work at Dixie’s garage at noon. On those days he worked from noon until five o’ clock in the evening. Because he wasn’t yet eighteen Dixie couldn’t work him full time and Kyle’s four five hour days during the week, two hours on Fridays, and a few hours every other Saturday allowed him to have a job and do reasonably well in school.
Now Muscle Shoals has got the swampers
And they’ve been known to pick a song or two
Yes they do.
Lord, they get me off so much
They pick me up when I’m feelin’ blue, now how about you?
But today when Kyle had come in Dixie had given him his check and sent him home. Business had been slow and there was one oil change left to do and she could easily do that herself. So Kyle had decided he’d find his brother – who hadn’t been at the diner or the library where he usually was – who must have already gone home and take the kid with him to cash his check. They’d go to the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash his check – a place Kyle never got out of without buying Addison something – then maybe to the new Multiplex if there was a good movie playing and out to eat before finally going for ice cream before they went home. Pay day ice cream was a tradition for the two of them even when they didn’t go to a movie or out to eat. Usually it was the Dairyette in Meyersville but the ice cream from the Dairy Queen in Hollowell tasted a hell of a lot better.
“Sweet home Alabama,” Kyle sang along with the radio as he turned down his street.
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord I’m coming home to you.
Sweet home Alabama, oh, sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue and the governor’s true
Sweet home Alabama, lordy
Lord I’m coming home-
Kyle pulled in the driveway and shifted the truck into ‘park’. He shut it off, silencing one of his all time favorite songs before it was completely over, and slammed his foot down on the parking brake to engage it. Damn thing was sticking lately and he needed to see what was wrong with it. Probably just needed oiled or something. “Damn kid better be here,” he muttered to himself. When Momma had finally decided Kyle didn’t have to pick Addison up after school and take him back to the garage with him until he was ready to leave for home, they had agreed upon a list of places where Addison was supposed to go instead. Kyle had already checked the diner, the library, and called Cici’s house without getting an answer. The only place left on the list was home and if Addison wasn’t at home…well, there had been times when Kyle had considered spanking his brother before but he never had. There was a first time for everything and if Addison wasn’t in any of the places he was supposed to be in, there was going to be a very sore ass in his immediate future when Kyle did find him.
He slammed the door of his truck shut after he got out and, keys in hand, walked up the front steps. The door was locked but that didn’t mean anything. Addison was supposed to keep the door locked at all times when he was home by himself or with Cici. Kyle unlocked the door and the moment he pushed it open he knew his brother had to be home.
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know.
Not only did the unearthly screeching of Hannah Cyrus or Miley Montana or whatever the hell her name was assault his southern rock oriented ears the moment the door swung inward but over the sound of the too famous for her own good teenage girl his brother idolized he could distinctly make out Addison’s own loud, way off key singing.
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
Kyle winced because more than a few minutes of that was bound to give him – or any sane person – a headache. He shut the door behind him and went upstairs with every intention of telling his brother to turn it down. He’d just yell but he didn’t want to yell at his brother too loudly since he had no idea if Cici was there or not. He didn’t want to embarrass the poor kid too badly. Addison’s bedroom door was open and Kyle stopped just outside. He nearly laughed. There was his baby brother dressed in girls’ clothes – had to be Cici’s – dancing to Hannah Montana – yeah, right. That was her name – in front of the mirror and using his hairbrush as a microphone. So this was what his brother did when he was alone. Interesting. Blackmail material.
The other side the other side I want you to see
The other side the other side the other side of me
The other side the other side I want you to see
The other side the other side the other –
Kyle pushed the stop button on the CD player on the table beside said door, cutting Hannah Montana off mid screech. “Hey,” he said, “the hell ya doin,’ Addison?”
Addison spun around quickly – doesn’t look half bad as a girl, Kyle had time to think – and gaped at his brother in silent horror for a moment before promptly bursting into tears. “I’m a girl!” he shouted. “I don’t wanna pretend I’m a boy anymore!” Then he – she? – slammed the door in Kyle’s face.
Kyle stood outside the door, his mouth hanging open in shock. What the hell was that, he wondered. Then since he had no idea what else to do he went to his own room and found his laptop in a pile of dirty laundry where he had hidden it from Addison.
When in doubt, Kyle always trusted the internet for answers.
Author: Allison Wonderland
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Addison has the house to himself for the afternoon and makes good use of it. His brother comes home in the middle of his fun.
Warning(s): Mild angst, mild language, original characters, transgender issues, mild incest.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This work is the sole property of the author and is not to be reproduced through any means, either whole or in part without the permission of the author.
Series: Feel That Fire
Word Count: ~7800
Note(s): Takes place Friday, May 12, 2006. Addison’s and Kyle’s last name is pronounced ‘luh-veen’. Like Avril. The song Addison/Addy/The Girl is singing in front of the mirror is The Other Side Of Me by Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus. The song Kyle is playing on the radio in his truck is Sweet Home Alabama by Lynard Skynard.
~*~
Addison LaVigne’s hand shook as he inserted his key in the lock on the back door of his house. Just my luck I’d have the wrong key on today of all days, he thought. But when he twisted the key in the lock it turned smoothly and he heard the tumblers shift. The door opened easily and Addison slipped inside before Cici could come along and see him. Cecilia Elizabeth Soucy – otherwise known as Cici – was Addison’s best friend in the entire world after his eighteen year old brother Kyle and his only friend at Meyersville Junior High, the only junior high school public or private in the small town of Meyersville in northern Louisiana. She had to walk right past his house on her way home if she didn’t stop at the diner or the library first. If she hadn’t already beaten him home. At lunch he had told Cici he couldn’t walk home with her because he had an appointment at the doctor’s office. Addison didn’t like lying to his only friend his own age but he had a good reason, and an opportunity he couldn’t pass up.
Addison was never alone in the house. On most days during the week he and Cecilia went to the diner for a Coke and a cookie directly after school then to the library to do their homework together until five o’ clock when Kyle got off work at Dixie’s Garage. At five o’ clock Cecilia and Addison walked up the street to Dixie’s where they met Kyle and he took them both home. On nights when Kyle was working late Cecilia walked home from the garage by herself or, if it was raining, Dixie drove her home. Addison stayed at the garage and stretched out in the backseat of whatever car Kyle was working on to read whatever book he was reading at the time. Either way, the whole family was always home by the time Addison got there.
Kyle and Addison’s Momma was a very successful real estate agent, partly because she had thrown herself into her career after their Daddy’s death when Kyle had just turned fifteen and Addison was just eight years old. This evening she had a late showing of one of the larger, fancier homes she was trying to sell and wouldn’t be home until at least six thirty or seven o’ clock. Today was Friday so that meant Stefan – Momma’s new husband – was having his late day at the office in preparation for his having the weekend off. He would be especially late and might not be home until eight or nine o’ clock that night. Elena – Stefan’s six year old daughter from his first marriage and the little girl Momma had always wanted instead of two boys – wouldn’t be home at all tonight because she was leaving straight from Meyersville Elementary School to go to a friend’s house for her first ever slumber party. Kyle was working until five o’ clock tonight and if Addison didn’t turn up before then he would just assume his brother had gone to Cici’s house after school instead of to the diner and studying at the library. Today was pay day for Kyle and after Dixie gave him his check he would go to the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash it and stop on the way back to fill his precious truck – a gift from Daddy on his death bed – with gas. So Addison knew Kyle wouldn’t be back until at least six thirty or seven o’ clock as well. The twelve year old was confident he would have the house to himself for a few hours. Cici had left some of her clothes – a skirt, tee shirt, and leggings – behind the last time she had slept over. Addison had always wanted to try on girls’ clothes, to let the girl who lived inside him out and to see what she looked like, and this was too good an opportunity to pass up even if he had to tell his best friend a little white lie to do it.
For the whole afternoon the house was his and he planned to take full advantage of that little fact. Addison shut the door when he stepped inside the house. He turned to the left toward the stairs and his bedroom separated from Kyle’s by their shared bathroom on the second floor. Then he stopped in his tracks. What if Momma comes home early to get something she needs to show the house? he thought. What if Stefan comes home early? What if Elena doesn’t go to straight to her sleepover after school? What if Kyle comes home after work instead of going to cash his check?
Every Friday night after Dixie Calhoun gave him his check, Kyle always took Addison out for ice cream after dinner. But sometimes they left straight from Dixie’s garage if Addison stopped in there or Kyle came directly home from the garage if Addison had already walked home with Cici. On those special Friday nights he took Addison with him when he went over to cash his check. Those rare days always saw Kyle buying Addison some tiny little thing, something that was always inexpensive but something that Addison loved just because his brother had given it to him. Last time it had been a big high bounce ball with some kind of water and purple – Addison’s favorite color – glitter inside like a snow globe. After Wal-Mart they normally went to McDonalds for dinner where Kyle got a Big Mac or two with large fries and a large Coke. Addison always got a Happy Meal with chicken nuggets and little slices of apple with caramel dipping sauce and a chocolate milk shake so big he could barely wrap his hands around it. The only bad part about having dinner at McDonalds was when he had to tell the person at the counter that he wanted the toy they were currently giving away for boys. It was usually some nasty little Hot Wheels or Matchbox car or Lego or something like that, something Addison had no use for and didn’t want. What he really wanted was the little dolls – Barbie or Madame Alexander or Bratz or American Girls – that they always had there for the girls’ Happy Meals. But he couldn’t say he wanted a girls’ toy. It would be too weird and Kyle might start getting suspicious about The Girl.
Out of everyone Addison knew – even his best friend after his brother, Cici – if someone were to find out about what he was going to do today while he had the house to himself, he would prefer it to be Kyle who found out because his brother was most likely to if not understand what he was going through to at least not turn his back on Addison or belittle him just because he was different from other boys his age. Besides, Addison knew his brother was different from most other almost eighteen year old boys too. Kyle liked girls but he liked boys just as much. The twelve year old only knew because he had woken up from a nightmare one night and gone to find Kyle only to find his brother on the couch kissing another boy. The boy had gone home and Kyle had spent the rest of the night explaining about gay, straight, and bisexual and answering a million of Addison’s questions.
But the younger boy still preferred not to be discovered at all. Addison took a moment to turn the lock on the doorknob. Then he locked the deadbolt as well and, as an afterthought, attached the chain to the door too. He had no idea if the chain would work because he couldn’t remember the last time it had been used but if it did work it would let Addison have a few more minutes to make himself presentable before anyone saw him since he had to be downstairs at the door to take the chain off if anyone wanted in.
Addison still slept in the old nursery. He had been the last child born to Simon and Mackenzie LaVigne so there had never been reason to move him out of the nursery. As such, Addison had the smallest of the bedrooms in the five bedroom house. The downstairs bedroom had been Daddy’s office when he was alive and Stefan had taken it over once he had moved in after marrying Momma. Upstairs, Momma and Stefan had the big master bedroom at the head of the stairs, complete with their own bathroom. Elena had the second biggest bedroom, the one that should have Kyle’s or Addison’s and had in fact once been Kyle’s bedroom. Elena’s room was right next to the master bedroom. Addison slept in the old nursery at the other end of the hall. Next to his bedroom was the bathroom he and Kyle shared, and on the other side of the bathroom was Kyle’s bedroom which had, several generations ago, been the nanny’s quarters.
When Simon LaVigne had still been alive he had often told his sons a story about the first few days after they had brought baby Addison home from the hospital. Before then the nursery had been five year old Kyle’s bedroom. Just before the baby’s birth Kyle had been moved to the bedroom on the other end of the hall nearest to the master bedroom, the room that was now Elena’s. The nursery had been refurbished for Addison – the stained carpet replaced, the crayoned on walls wallpapered over, the baby furniture repainted to cover any dirty fingerprints from the last child and placed back in the room after Kyle’s things had been moved out. At the time Kyle had been going through a phase where everything he saw was ‘mine.’ That had included the new baby, particularly since Kyle had been the first person other than Momma and Daddy to hold Addison. After waking up every morning for the first month to find five year old Kyle in the crib with the baby they had finally given in and moved Kyle down the hall to the spare room that shared a bathroom with the nursery. The sleeping arrangement had stayed the same for the last twelve, almost thirteen, years.
Addison hated his bedroom. The entire room was decorated in blue because Addison had been a baby boy and in his parents’ world baby boys slept in blue bedrooms and wore blue clothes. Addison’s favorite colors were bright red and pale purple. He would have preferred to have his bedroom decorated in those colors. The carpet on the floor was baby blue with a Nemo shaped fish rug in the middle of the room to hide a chocolate milk stain on the carpet. The wallpaper was the same sickening shade of baby blue broken up only by skinny, slightly darker stripes. Around the top of the walls up by the ceiling was a border of little brown bears wearing blue ribbons on a white background. To the left of the door was the big old wooden toy box Addison’s father had made. It was, unsurprisingly, white like the rest of the furniture, with the same kind of bear painted on the front that was on the border of the wallpaper. The things in the toy box were rarely used anymore but the top of it was flat and provided the perfect place for Addison to sit his stuffed toys and the ball Kyle had bought him two weeks ago. On the other side of the door was an old armoire that had been in the nursery for years. It was an antique but probably no longer worth as much as it would have been in its original condition because Daddy had painted it white with a little brown bear wearing a baby blue bow tie on the center of each door. At a ninety degree angle from the armoire was a white sleigh style twin size bed with a baby blue and white patchwork comforter. Beneath the comforter were sheets with the Disney characters from Finding Nemo cavorting all over them. Beneath the fitted sheet was a plastic protective cover over the mattress. The plastic protective mattress cover was a necessity because Addison wet the bed at least once a week without fail. It was a problem he had always had. He would probably still be wearing pull-ups if Kyle had his way but Momma had gone and decided Addison was too old for pull-ups, his special blanket, and Blue Dog last August on his twelfth birthday.
Directly across the room from the wardrobe was a full length mirror, the frame of which was also white like the rest of the furniture in the room. Addison hated looking at himself in the mirror because the person – the boy – who showed on the outside was not the person – The Girl – who he was on the inside. But sometimes it was unavoidable and as he passed the mirror this time, he couldn’t help but stop and study his reflection. Like a before and after photo, he told himself. He would look in the mirror now so he could compare how he looked now and how he would look later after he let The Girl out. Addison wished he had his brother’s digital camera so he could take photos of her because he had no idea when – or even if – he would be able to let her out again. But even if Addison knew where Kyle’s digital camera was – and he thought maybe he did even though his brother tried to hide both it and his laptop from him – he didn’t quite dare take a photo of The Girl because what if he didn’t remember how to delete it and his brother saw her?
Addison looked more like his mother than his father. They had the same slightly curly blonde hair though Momma’s hair was thick and curly whereas Addison’s hung limp and stringy and a little too long around his face in what had once been a pixie cut before it had grown out. It came down to a little past his collar in back and was slightly longer than chin length in front. Momma’s hair was all smooth and shiny and golden but Addison’s was dull and lifeless and so pale it was almost white. He was twelve years old and would be thirteen at the end of August just before he started what would be his final year at Meyersville Junior High.
Addison’s best friend Cici was already a teenager and had been for two weeks. At only five feet tall she was one of the shortest kids in their class at school. Addison was only four feet and ten inches tall. Cici was incredibly thin, which many of the other girls their age and a few of those they had run into from the local high school envied, and only weighed eighty five pounds, the low end of the healthy range of weight for her height. Addison’s weight was exactly ten pounds less and almost in the dangerous range for his own height. Cici’s clothes were going to be too big on him. The Girl might look ridiculous in them. But at least he could see what she looked like.
He pushed his bangs back out of the way to reveal a pair of enormous wide set gray eyes surrounded by long dark lashes. Momma’s eyes were the same color. Addison’s nose was exactly like Momma’s, perfectly centered in his face, completely straight, and neither too large nor too small for the rest of his features. He thought his mouth was too wide, lips too full, at least for a boy. It might fit better on The Girl though. Once, Addison had heard Momma telling one of her friends that she thought her youngest son should have been born a girl because he was going to grow up too pretty to be a boy. He had known The Girl was there inside him for a long time but it was not long after that that he had known for sure that she was who he was really supposed to be, that he might be a boy on the outside but everything inside him belonged to The Girl, that inside he was The Girl.
Addison made a face at himself and stepped away from the full length mirror. He went over to the armoire on the opposite side of the room. The doors always stuck but this time when he pulled on the one on the left it swung open right away without even the creak it normally made upon finally opening after he managed to get it unstuck. Two weeks ago Cici had spent the night with Addison while her parents were out of town visiting her older sister at college or her older brother in Baton Rouge, or her grand mother in Austin, Texas or maybe it was her mother’s brother’s ex wife’s great, great, great, great uncle Bob who fought on both sides in the Civil War or…something. Anyway, Addison had no idea who they had been visiting but he did know that Cici had been staying over while her parents had been out of town. She had come over after school on Friday and had not gone home until after school on Monday. Some of the clothes Cici had brought with her had ended up mixed in with Addison’s laundry and his mother had washed them. That particular outfit had been hanging in Addison’s wardrobe since then because Cici always forgot to take her forgotten clothing home with her. And Addison who had been planning for the day he would have the whole house to himself, had not exactly been encouraging her to take her property home with her. Neither had he reminded her of her clothing hanging in his wardrobe. He often opened the door of his wardrobe just to stare at his best friend’s tee shirt, skirt, and leggings hanging there. Her girl tee shirt, skirt, and leggings bought in the girls’ department at some store – probably the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell – and meant for girls, like The Girl inside Addison’s horrible boy’s body, to wear. Just the sight of those clothes in his wardrobe made The Girl want to come out. But she had never had a chance because Addison had never been alone in the house long enough. Momma and Stefan were normally downstairs in the TV room at night when they were home and not paying attention to anything the children were doing. But Elena was always lurking around somewhere trying to spy on Addison and Kyle and run downstairs to tell Momma they were ‘being bad’ at the first sign of either of them doing anything Elena wasn’t allowed to do. And at night if Kyle wasn’t out with his friends – which lately he increasingly wasn’t – he was either in his room watching television and playing with his new laptop or doing his best to entertain Addison. So he could not indulge his curiosity with everyone in the house.
At least, until today, he had never been alone in the house long enough.
Addison reached into his armoire and took out the white plastic hanger his mother had put there with Cici’s clothes on it. The outfit consisted of a white denim skirt and a light purple tee shirt with the pink and purple striped Cheshire cat from Alice In Wonderland on it, as well as a pair of pink and purple striped leggings that matched the cat tee shirt and, on Cici, came just down to her knees. They were simple enough clothes but to Addison and The Girl they were the world’s greatest, most beautiful clothes. There were no underclothes he could try on, no bra or panties. Addison wasn’t sure Cecilia even wore a bra anyway. It seemed to him that she didn’t need one. The Girl certainly didn’t. But it would have been nice to be able to see what one felt like and he – and by extension she – had always loved looking at – and wanting – girls’ panties. They were soft and smooth and lacy and all sorts of pretty colors. Addison had seen some in a store – probably the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell though he didn’t exactly remember where it had been – once that were pretty purple with little blue kitties on them and trimmed in blue lace the same color as the kitties. They were the prettiest things he had ever seen and he had never forgotten them. Boys’ underwear were just ugly in comparison. They were mostly blue or red or black with yucky things on them like Superman or Batman or little cars and trucks and aeroplanes.
Or at least they mostly were. Addison’s favorite movie was Disney’s Finding Nemo. About a month ago Kyle had bought him underwear with the characters from Finding Nemo on them as a reward for not wetting the bed for an entire week. That was after his brother had done plenty of complaining about how it was Momma’s responsibility to make sure Addison got up in the night to use the toilet and he should have been potty trained a long time ago but Momma was so fucking wrapped up in Elena who wasn’t even her god damned daughter that she couldn’t take care of her own kid. Addison didn’t even mind that Momma rarely paid any attention to him anymore. Kyle took care of him better anyway.
Carefully, he laid out his – or her depending upon how one wanted to look at it – clothes. The tee shirt was stretched out on the bed, the leggings placed under it, and the skirt on top of the leggings. Addison didn’t know anything about fashion but he thought it might all look good together. He pulled his blue Finding Nemo tee shirt off over his head and reached for the purple Cheshire cat Alice In Wonderland tee shirt. Addison pulled the sweet smelling – Cici’s mother used tropical rainforest scented laundry detergent and the smell still clung to her clothes even though she had already worn them once and Mrs. LaVigne had washed them in her own hypoallergenic unscented laundry detergent – garment over his head and stuck his arms through the cap sleeves. Addison had seen Cici in the same tee shirt several times. It fit her perfectly. On Addison the cap sleeves were almost the same length as regular tee shirt sleeves. The bottom hem came down past his hips and the so called ‘fitted tee’ hung from his shoulders, not nearly so fitted as it was on his best – and only, really – friend.
Black Converse had been all the rage at Kyle’s high school so Addison’s brother had bought him a pair too. Addison loved having the same shoes as his idolized older brother and had worn them every day since. As a result they were quite raggedy now. He toed off his shoes but left his socks on. His jeans had been stiff and new and dark blue at the beginning of the school year in late August after Kyle had taken him shopping at the Wal-Mart in Hollowell. But in May, with the school year almost over, they were faded from multiple washings, well broken in, and soft to the touch. The button that held them closed was missing so Addison simply slid the zipper down and let his jeans fall to the floor. He stepped out of the pool of denim – Kyle would make him pick them up later if he didn’t just put them back on when he became Addison again – and, standing on the blue carpet in just his little white socks, Addison reached for the leggings. They went on easily but once they were on he realized just how much too big they were. Not big enough to look ridiculous but on Cici they had come to just above her knees. On Addison they came to just below and weren’t nearly as tight.
Maybe his quest to see The Girl was going to end in futility. Addison was sure he was going to look ridiculous. Cici’s clothes were too big for him.
But he had to at least try.
He turned his attention to the white denim skirt on the bed. Unsure of himself – because leggings could be considered short pants and he wore tee shirts all the time but if he put the skirt on that was really girls’ clothes – he picked it up and unfastened it. It went on easily over his feet. Addison pulled it up his legs and fastened the button and zipper at the waist. It was a mini skirt so on Cici it was short and barely covered her butt. Mr. And Mrs. Soucy didn’t approve of their barely a teenager daughter wearing a skirt so short. That was why she had the leggings to wear under it. But on Addison, Cici’s skirt was of decent length. The bottom hem fell midway between his butt and his knees, leaving plenty of the leggings in view. The waist was slightly too large on him and he didn’t have the curved hips of many of the girls his age but neither did Cici so it wasn’t quite large enough to completely fall off of him but it did slide down far enough that, when he held the bottom hem of the tee shirt up, the top of his leggings showed above his skirt. But over all it didn’t feel bad. In fact, Cici’s clothing was quite comfortable.
Addison smoothed his hands down his sides, mentally preparing himself to look in the mirror. He glanced down and saw his socks. And frowned. His socks were all wrong for his outfit. They were big and thick and white. They should be pretty lacy pink girly socks but he didn’t have any of those. Obviously. Addison pulled his socks off and glanced toward the mirror. From his current position he was unable to see anything but the front of the wardrobe in the reflective surface. Nervous, he took a deep breath and stepped toward the mirror, eyes squeezed closed. Addison knew the location of everything in his bedroom with his eyes shut. It only took him a moment to position himself in front of the mirror. Then he opened his eyes.
And found himself severely disappointed.
Addison sighed. Had he found Kyle’s digital camera and been brave enough to take a photo, the before picture and the after picture would have hardly have changed except for the clothes he was wearing. In the mirror was someone who looked more like Addison’s mother than his father but Addison had always looked more like his mother. There was the same slightly curly, yet dull and lifeless, too long, too grown out pixie cut that had been in the mirror the first time he had looked. There was someone in the mirror who was only four feet and ten inches tall and weighed only seventy five pounds which was almost in the dangerous range for his or her height. That person in the mirror – no more than a child really – had enormous wide set gray eyes surrounded by long dark lashes. His or her features were perfect, neither too small nor too large in relation to one another.
The person in the mirror was dressed in a light purple cap sleeve fitted tee shirt with the pink and purple striped Cheshire cat from the Disney Alice In Wonderland movie silk screened on the front of it. The shirt was too big, the cap sleeves almost as long as regular tee shirt sleeves and the ‘fitted’ body of the shirt nowhere close to anything that might be considered fitted. The bottom hem fell well below the figure in the mirror’s hips. With the too big tee shirt he or she wore a pair of leggings striped the same shades of pink and purple as the cat on the tee shirt. The leggings were too big as well. Instead of being tight as they were supposed to be they were loose and a little wrinkled. The bottom hems of the legs were supposed to rest just above the wearer’s knees but on the child in the mirror they came down to just below the knees. Over the leggings the figure in the mirror was wearing a white denim skirt. He or she had no hips whatsoever to hold it up and it sagged a little around the waist as well as being much too long for a mini skirt.
And yet, despite the ill fitting clothing and the fact that the person in the mirror still looked remarkably like Addison…
She wasn’t.
She was The Girl.
Her Momma was pretty and The Girl looked a lot like her Momma. She might even be beautiful when she grew up. She had blonde hair that was slightly curly and a little bit limp and kind of dull but that could be fixed. She was twelve years old but tiny, just four feet and ten inches tall and only seventy five pounds, which made her one of the smallest girls in her class at school. Her enormous wide set brown eyes were the only thing about her appearance she had inherited from her Daddy. Her nose was small, perfectly centered in the middle of her face, completely straight, and neither too large nor too small for the rest of her features. Her mouth was wide with full lips that covered teeth that were not quite straight but were perfectly white.
She had borrowed her clothes from her best friend so they were a little too big for her because Cici was a little bit bigger than she was but they still looked pretty on her. She was wearing a light purple cap sleeve tee shirt that didn’t quite fit as tightly on her as it did on Cici but that was all right because Cici was proud of the fact that she was sort of starting to get boobs like the older girls and could show them off if she wore a tighter shirt. The Girl’s chest was still completely flat and since she wasn’t likely to get bigger any time soon she didn’t mind wearing a loose shirt to hide that. With her shirt she was wearing a white denim mini skirt. On Cici the same skirt barely covered her butt. The Girl actually sort of liked that it was longer on her because she didn’t want anyone to see that she was wearing ugly boy underwear or get a glimpse of the tiny bulge in her leggings that was the only part of her that marked her as not-a-girl. The leggings she had on under her skirt were striped pink and purple like the cat on her tee shirt and came down to just below her knees but she didn’t think they looked bad on her. She spun around in a circle.
The girl in the mirror spun around in a circle too.
The Girl giggled, her hands coming up to touch her face.
The girl in the mirror soundlessly did the same.
She grinned. But there was something missing. The Girl couldn’t celebrate seeing herself for the first time without music. She ran to the CD player and quickly inserted the CD that Cici had made for her last weekend: a mix of Hannah Montana songs, a few of Taylor Swift’s biggest hits, and a couple of songs from the High School Musical and High School Musical 2 soundtracks.
The other side, the other side, the other side of me…
By day I play the part in every way
All simple, sweet, calm, and collected
Pretend to my friends I’m a chameleon
Can make a girl feel disconnected.
Miley Cyrus’s – or was it Hannah Montana’s song because The Girl could never figure out if a song could belong to a fictional character or not – song The Other Side Of Me came blaring out of her CD player’s speakers. It was so appropriate for the two sides of her as well as the Hannah/Miley thing.
Feel like a star, a super hero
Sometimes it’s hard to separate
Got too much on my plate.
“If you could see the other side of me!” she sang along loudly and very much off key. Addison’s voice had not broken yet so The Girl’s voice was still high pitched and squeaky.
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell?
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
The other side, the other side I want you to see
The other side, the other side, the other side of me.
The girl danced back across the floor to her full length mirror so she could watch herself as she sang.
Inside I try to make the pieces fit right
A jigsaw puzzle everywhere
Cause I flip this script so many times I forget
Who’s onstage, who’s in the mirror!
The Girl knew. She was in the mirror. Not the Addison costume she was forced to wear for her parents and her brother and Cici and everyone else.
Back in the spotlight the crowd is calling
The paparazzi and the fame
It can drive a girl insane
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell?
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
The other side, the other side I want you to see
The other side, the other side, the other side of me
She spied her hairbrush lying on the bed and grabbed it up to use as a microphone. “Down inside I’m not that different,” she sang along with her CD player, still loud and off key.
Like everyone I have a dream
Don’t want to hide, just want to fit in
Sometimes it’s harder than it seems
Being a girl was fabulous!
~*~
Big wheels keep on turnin’
Carry me home to see my kin
Singing songs about the southland
I miss Alabama once again
And I think it’s a sin, yes.
Seventeen year old but only for another week Kyle LaVigne sang along with the radio on his way home from work. His voice was loud but on key and blended surprisingly well with the Lynard Skynard song playing on the radio.
Well I heard Mr. Young sing about her
Well I heard ol’ Neil put her down
Well I hope Neil Young will remember
A southern man don’t need him around anyhow.
Kyle’s voice had changed relatively early. He had been only a few weeks past his twelfth birthday when he had gone from high pitched and squeaky to a slow, deep southern drawl reminiscent of the south that sounded like honey poured over gravel. He had inherited it from his father and – unlike Addison who looked more like their mother – Kyle resembled their father in most other ways as well.
He had straight-as-a-board dark brown, almost back hair that fell down past his shoulder blades and was always worn in a ponytail. He had his father‘s deep brown eyes too but they were surrounded by long lashes like his mother‘s and brother‘s. Like his father, Kyle was tall. He had shot up to six feet tall just after his seventeenth birthday and had only grown half an inch since then. But his mother – in her more attentive moments – had assured him that he was probably not done growing. After all, Daddy had been an enormous man – six feet, and four inches tall and well over two hundred pounds, hardly any of it fat – and Kyle took after him. Kyle would be eighteen years old next Saturday – exactly a week and a day away – and the week after that – the last Sunday in May – he would graduate from high school. And for Kyle it was not a moment too soon. He had excellent grades in every subject except English, which he was only barely passing. The only reason he was passing was because Addison – who was apparently some kind of genius or something – had written his brother’s thirty page senior paper. Kyle, due to having dyslexia and the fact that the Meyersville school system didn’t have a special class for learning disabled children, couldn‘t read more than his own name. But for his future, he didn’t really need to read. Momma thought he had been applying to colleges and had selected one to go to in the fall but she couldn’t have been more wrong. Dixie had offered Kyle a full time job with the possibility of becoming a partner in the business in a few years after he graduated from high school and he had every intention of taking it. Automobile repair was one of the things he loved most in life and one day in the future he intended to have his own business repairing and restoring classic and antique cars. Just like Daddy had had before his death when Kyle was fifteen and Addison was eight.
“Sweet home Alabama,” Kyle sang along with the radio in what was practically his Daddy’s voice. “Where the skies are so blue. Sweet home Alabama. Lord I’m comin’ home to you!”
So what if he lived in Louisiana and had his entire life?
In Birmingham they love the governor, boo boo boo
Now we all did what we could do
Now Watergate does not bother me
Does your conscience bother you. Now tell the truth.
Sweet home Alabama
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord I’m coming home to you
Here I come, Alabama
It was Friday and ordinarily on Friday nights Kyle worked from three o’ clock – half an hour after he got out of school for the day – until five o’ clock. Fridays were his short day at the garage. Kyle had gotten involved in a special school-to-work program that had been implemented two years ago – the same year he had started working. If a high school student had a job he or she was permitted to spend half a day at school and the other half at his or her job four days a week as long as he or she was able to keep his or her grades up. On Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, Kyle went to school from seven thirty in the morning until classes let out for lunch at eleven thirty. At eleven thirty he went home or to the diner for lunch then to work at Dixie’s garage at noon. On those days he worked from noon until five o’ clock in the evening. Because he wasn’t yet eighteen Dixie couldn’t work him full time and Kyle’s four five hour days during the week, two hours on Fridays, and a few hours every other Saturday allowed him to have a job and do reasonably well in school.
Now Muscle Shoals has got the swampers
And they’ve been known to pick a song or two
Yes they do.
Lord, they get me off so much
They pick me up when I’m feelin’ blue, now how about you?
But today when Kyle had come in Dixie had given him his check and sent him home. Business had been slow and there was one oil change left to do and she could easily do that herself. So Kyle had decided he’d find his brother – who hadn’t been at the diner or the library where he usually was – who must have already gone home and take the kid with him to cash his check. They’d go to the Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash his check – a place Kyle never got out of without buying Addison something – then maybe to the new Multiplex if there was a good movie playing and out to eat before finally going for ice cream before they went home. Pay day ice cream was a tradition for the two of them even when they didn’t go to a movie or out to eat. Usually it was the Dairyette in Meyersville but the ice cream from the Dairy Queen in Hollowell tasted a hell of a lot better.
“Sweet home Alabama,” Kyle sang along with the radio as he turned down his street.
Where the skies are so blue
Sweet home Alabama
Lord I’m coming home to you.
Sweet home Alabama, oh, sweet home baby
Where the skies are so blue and the governor’s true
Sweet home Alabama, lordy
Lord I’m coming home-
Kyle pulled in the driveway and shifted the truck into ‘park’. He shut it off, silencing one of his all time favorite songs before it was completely over, and slammed his foot down on the parking brake to engage it. Damn thing was sticking lately and he needed to see what was wrong with it. Probably just needed oiled or something. “Damn kid better be here,” he muttered to himself. When Momma had finally decided Kyle didn’t have to pick Addison up after school and take him back to the garage with him until he was ready to leave for home, they had agreed upon a list of places where Addison was supposed to go instead. Kyle had already checked the diner, the library, and called Cici’s house without getting an answer. The only place left on the list was home and if Addison wasn’t at home…well, there had been times when Kyle had considered spanking his brother before but he never had. There was a first time for everything and if Addison wasn’t in any of the places he was supposed to be in, there was going to be a very sore ass in his immediate future when Kyle did find him.
He slammed the door of his truck shut after he got out and, keys in hand, walked up the front steps. The door was locked but that didn’t mean anything. Addison was supposed to keep the door locked at all times when he was home by himself or with Cici. Kyle unlocked the door and the moment he pushed it open he knew his brother had to be home.
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know.
Not only did the unearthly screeching of Hannah Cyrus or Miley Montana or whatever the hell her name was assault his southern rock oriented ears the moment the door swung inward but over the sound of the too famous for her own good teenage girl his brother idolized he could distinctly make out Addison’s own loud, way off key singing.
If you could see the other side of me
I’m just like anybody else, can’t you tell
I hold the key to both realities
The girl that I want you to know
If only I could show
Kyle winced because more than a few minutes of that was bound to give him – or any sane person – a headache. He shut the door behind him and went upstairs with every intention of telling his brother to turn it down. He’d just yell but he didn’t want to yell at his brother too loudly since he had no idea if Cici was there or not. He didn’t want to embarrass the poor kid too badly. Addison’s bedroom door was open and Kyle stopped just outside. He nearly laughed. There was his baby brother dressed in girls’ clothes – had to be Cici’s – dancing to Hannah Montana – yeah, right. That was her name – in front of the mirror and using his hairbrush as a microphone. So this was what his brother did when he was alone. Interesting. Blackmail material.
The other side the other side I want you to see
The other side the other side the other side of me
The other side the other side I want you to see
The other side the other side the other –
Kyle pushed the stop button on the CD player on the table beside said door, cutting Hannah Montana off mid screech. “Hey,” he said, “the hell ya doin,’ Addison?”
Addison spun around quickly – doesn’t look half bad as a girl, Kyle had time to think – and gaped at his brother in silent horror for a moment before promptly bursting into tears. “I’m a girl!” he shouted. “I don’t wanna pretend I’m a boy anymore!” Then he – she? – slammed the door in Kyle’s face.
Kyle stood outside the door, his mouth hanging open in shock. What the hell was that, he wondered. Then since he had no idea what else to do he went to his own room and found his laptop in a pile of dirty laundry where he had hidden it from Addison.
When in doubt, Kyle always trusted the internet for answers.
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